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Post by frillow on Aug 24, 2006 23:53:10 GMT -5
Do any of you hate it when people continuously tell you that you're quiet (because you know it already)? Do you hate when people continuously ask you why you're so quiet? Because I DO!!! And it's really starting to get to me. This week I was just bombarded with people doing that. I definitely felt the urge to scream and punch many people in the face. Also, when I'm with this certain group of people (kinda friends.. but not really), every time I said something, someone would yell an "OMG, she said something!!!" And I couldn't take it any more... so I ended up yelling at them and telling them how much I hated it, and I also ended up semi-crying. I'm kind of glad now because they don't say that any more. I just wish the not-so-shy people could understand extremely shy people better or at least try to. I've also realized that after people talk to me once, they usually don't talk to me again.. probably because conversations with me tend to be very awkward.. or maybe I seem like I don't like them or something  ... sigh.... |
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Post by k151 on Aug 25, 2006 1:38:41 GMT -5
The WORST situation is when someone says "Say something!" and they wait there for your response. It's a lose-lose situation. If you don't say something, it will be a "jeez, why don't you just say something?" If you DO say something, under all that pressure, it will be quiet and lame and will be judged ultra-harshly. In which case they will look at you funny and say some asshole comment. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bindAn example of double bind that Bateson alleges could result in schizophrenia would be a family situation in which a child is taunted for being shy until the point when the child yells in frustration. Then, the child is spanked for the outburst. Thus the child learns two contradictory messages: I must express myself to be accepted, and I must not express myself in order to be accepted.Do these people not understand the stress this causes? Can they not empathize? Let's see, if we don't say something, they make fun of us. If we do say something, they make fun of us. It's just bullying, but it's such a nasty form of bullying since our minds technically believe that WE have control, when we don't. |
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Post by fighter on Aug 26, 2006 12:14:39 GMT -5
They're not saying it to insult you they're saying it to help you. When someone says you're quiet that is supposed to be your cue to join in on the conversation (or start one). In the world of the non-shy person it is incredible that someone might be nervous around others. At college I was always labelled as quiet, and once some guy decided to make an issue of it in class. He started calling me 'the man with no voice' but it was good to see that although I couldn't stand up for myself, others would tell him to leave me alone.
I later found out that this guy was actually attracted to me (he was gay) and he was doing it for my attention. I think that people make an issue of your quiet manner if they want you to talk to them. Only once has anyone tried to hurt me with it and it was the final day of college when a girl decided to let it all loose. I was called a "selfish loner", because I'd never made an effort to get to know anyone.
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Post by Paulinus on Aug 26, 2006 14:34:04 GMT -5
They're not saying it to insult you they're saying it to help you. I think that depends on how they say it. Some people have said it in a attempt to help me into a conversation which isn't so bad, but I am certain some people have said it to me in a malicious way as well. If you get responses such as "OMG it speaks" if you do respond then I hardly think they're trying to help. |
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Post by dog on Aug 26, 2006 22:19:13 GMT -5
Do any of you hate it when people continuously tell you that you're quiet (because you know it already)? Do you hate when people continuously ask you why you're so quiet? Because I DO!!! And it's really starting to get to me. This week I was just bombarded with people doing that. I definitely felt the urge to scream and punch many people in the face. Also, when I'm with this certain group of people (kinda friends.. but not really), every time I said something, someone would yell an "OMG, she said something!!!" And I couldn't take it any more... so I ended up yelling at them and telling them how much I hated it, and I also ended up semi-crying. I'm kind of glad now because they don't say that any more. I just wish the not-so-shy people could understand extremely shy people better or at least try to. I've also realized that after people talk to me once, they usually don't talk to me again.. probably because conversations with me tend to be very awkward.. or maybe I seem like I don't like them or something ... sigh.... Yeah, when you're the quiet one you're percieved as odd soemhow. So, paradoxically, you should be careful about what you say at all times when around these people. What i've found useful is to have a few small jokes on hand about yourself, like "Well, i'm just annoyed cause my laxatives didn't work well last night" or "Well, i just like to keep the world's CO2 content low."  People will look at me oddly when i say things like this, but a quick grin takes the sting out of my words, and the humor loosens up the situation. So always try to deflect negative attention towards you with humor. Anger begets anger, but humor makes everyone happy.  |
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Post by k151 on Aug 27, 2006 1:55:44 GMT -5
They're not saying it to insult you they're saying it to help you. When someone says you're quiet that is supposed to be your cue to join in on the conversation (or start one). In the world of the non-shy person it is incredible that someone might be nervous around others. At college I was always labelled as quiet, and once some guy decided to make an issue of it in class. He started calling me 'the man with no voice' but it was good to see that although I couldn't stand up for myself, others would tell him to leave me alone. I later found out that this guy was actually attracted to me (he was gay) and he was doing it for my attention. I think that people make an issue of your quiet manner if they want you to talk to them. Only once has anyone tried to hurt me with it and it was the final day of college when a girl decided to let it all loose. I was called a "selfish loner", because I'd never made an effort to get to know anyone. About 5-10% of the people who have ever said that to me had "positive" motives. One girl I used to work with was extremely nasty a few times. I could have cried, thank god I didn't... She could SEE my discomfort, I was blushing and trembling and making feeble attempts at comments but she kept pushing it. From then on, I put up a huge shield around her. I never said a word ever again and did the best I could to make it clear that I really DID NOT like her. Going so far as to request I not work with her. I was never comfortable at the place until she left. When she left, I just about jumped off the ground. Working there is great now. |
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Post by Stranger on Aug 27, 2006 2:58:18 GMT -5
What i've found useful is to have a few small jokes on hand about yourself, like "Well, i'm just annoyed cause my laxatives didn't work well last night" or "Well, i just like to keep the world's CO2 content low." People will look at me oddly when i say things like this, but a quick grin takes the sting out of my words, and the humor loosens up the situation. So always try to deflect negative attention towards you with humor. Anger begets anger, but humor makes everyone happy. I agree. Humor is largely opportunistic though, and often requires being able to think clearly on the spot, so it isn't always in the shybie's arsenal. But in general, I think if you can laugh with them even at this sort of thing, then not only does it make you more approachable, but each such incident is less likely to stick in their minds. I think people are more likely to remember other people's humiliation. And explosive outbursts most of all. Having said that, I've never had anyone ask me "why are you so quiet?". Nor can I ever remember getting the "say something!" -> "OMG it spoke" treatment. And both certainly do strike me as particularly thoughtless. People who get downright nasty about it deserve everything they get. I have had people tell me to speak up. In fact, I've had a few incidents where one person in a group would say it loudly, and everyone else found it amusing. While I could have thrown a chair at them, I didn't; I laughed it off with them, and continued a bit louder. And despite feeling humiliated at the time, at the end of the day, I don't think it means a great deal to anyone. So I'm quiet. You're noisy.  |
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Post by Cassava on Aug 27, 2006 15:01:42 GMT -5
I get "your quiet" remarks even when I said somehting moments before and other people in the group have said nowt. Just some aura I give I suppose. People just don't acknowledge you.
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Post by nats on Aug 28, 2006 18:32:47 GMT -5
i was out the other nite, and there was a guy there who i hadn't even spoken to or really seen at all. And i was drunk so i wasn't being particularly shy for me and he still knew i was quiet. Later on in the night whenever i walked by him he was saying, here comes the quiet one, the quiet ones are the worst.
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Post by zaab on Aug 28, 2006 21:52:05 GMT -5
i was out the other nite, and there was a guy there who i hadn't even spoken to or really seen at all. And i was drunk so i wasn't being particularly shy for me and he still knew i was quiet. Later on in the night whenever i walked by him he was saying, here comes the quiet one, the quiet ones are the worst. Yeah, but he was flirting, wasn't he? |
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Post by Bodhi on Aug 28, 2006 22:21:46 GMT -5
i was out the other nite, and there was a guy there who i hadn't even spoken to or really seen at all. And i was drunk so i wasn't being particularly shy for me and he still knew i was quiet. Later on in the night whenever i walked by him he was saying, here comes the quiet one, the quiet ones are the worst. I love the quiet girls at the bar! That guy is crazy! |
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Post by Rose on Aug 30, 2006 14:27:20 GMT -5
Do any of you hate it when people continuously tell you that you're quiet (because you know it already)? Do you hate when people continuously ask you why you're so quiet? Because I DO!!! And it's really starting to get to me. This week I was just bombarded with people doing that. I definitely felt the urge to scream and punch many people in the face. Also, when I'm with this certain group of people (kinda friends.. but not really), every time I said something, someone would yell an "OMG, she said something!!!" And I couldn't take it any more... so I ended up yelling at them and telling them how much I hated it, and I also ended up semi-crying. I'm kind of glad now because they don't say that any more. I just wish the not-so-shy people could understand extremely shy people better or at least try to. I've also realized that after people talk to me once, they usually don't talk to me again.. probably because conversations with me tend to be very awkward.. or maybe I seem like I don't like them or something ... sigh....
Luckily, that doesn't happen to me too often, probably because I don't get out much anymore...  |
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Post by nameless on Sept 3, 2006 16:12:01 GMT -5
a while back i was in the pub with some people from work for someones leaving drink, i as normal was being quiet when some idiot tells me to shut up (sarcastically), i didnt do anything and one person just kinda sniggered at my response (or lack of it).
the thing that made me feel better, was a few weeks later when the person who made the comment decided to leave the firm, everyone was really happy and said they couldnt stand him! kinda made me think, maybe he was the one with the problem even though he tried to make me look stupid!
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... sigh....
Befriend the trees...they are good listeners. ;D