Knowing what to say in a crisis

[Sigh]

I have this real problem that when my friends are upset that I don't know what to say. I want to say something that shows I care and that's positive and re-assuring and to show them that I understand how they feel (assuming that I do understand it, some situations I just can't understand).

I just tend to end up talking about random things related to whats upsetting them, but then ending up going off on a tangent. Or I bring up a situation in which I felt the way they're feeling... but I think I usually end up talking about my situation and what happened to me too much, especially if the other person doesn't seem to want to talk and is pretty unresponsive.

Then I just feel like they think I only care about myself (not true) and that I don't say anything of help or comfort to them when I really want to. Makes me feel really inadequate, especially when some people always know the right thing to say to people. My mixed up way of trying to show how I care, or want to help; I feel it comes across all wrong and that although it's mucked up, I am trying and that it goes unappreciated (my attempt atleast) because I am so useless sometimes.

It angers me that I cannot help them out, or make things abit more bearable for them, even though I really do want to.

Maybe its my fear of showing people that I care about them because I feel I will get hurt that holds me back, I dunno. But I'd like just for once to actually be of some real help and support to someone I care about.

[lily]

sigh said:

I have this real problem that when my friends are upset that I don't know what to say. I want to say something that shows I care and that's positive and re-assuring and to show them that I understand how they feel (assuming that I do understand it, some situations I just can't understand).

I just tend to end up talking about random things related to whats upsetting them, but then ending up going off on a tangent. Or I bring up a situation in which I felt the way they're feeling... but I think I usually end up talking about my situation and what happened to me too much, especially if the other person doesn't seem to want to talk and is pretty unresponsive.

Then I just feel like they think I only care about myself (not true) and that I don't say anything of help or comfort to them when I really want to. Makes me feel really inadequate, especially when some people always know the right thing to say to people. My mixed up way of trying to show how I care, or want to help; I feel it comes across all wrong and that although it's mucked up, I am trying and that it goes unappreciated (my attempt atleast) because I am so useless sometimes.

It angers me that I cannot help them out, or make things abit more bearable for them, even though I really do want to.

Maybe its my fear of showing people that I care about them because I feel I will get hurt that holds me back, I dunno. But I'd like just for once to actually be of some real help and support to someone I care about.

Maybe you could try just saying something like 'i'm so sorry this is happening to you' or 'i'm sorry you're feeling so bad'. Nothing wrong with just asking them 'what can i do to help you feel better?' They might just tell you. Alot of times people who are upset just need a caring ear to listen. A quick hug. Or someone to do something with to get their mind of their woes. Like going to lunch or for a walk together. Doesn't have to be fancy or complicated. If you want to help, just 'be there' for them. And even if they're too upset to show their appreciation at the time, it doesn't mean they don't appreciate it.

[nameless]

ive found that as well, i dont mean to sound like im not interested or anything but i just cant find the right thing to say!

[Sigh]

lily said:

Maybe you could try just saying something like 'i'm so sorry this is happening to you' or 'i'm sorry you're feeling so bad'. Nothing wrong with just asking them 'what can i do to help you feel better?' They might just tell you. Alot of times people who are upset just need a caring ear to listen. A quick hug. Or someone to do something with to get their mind of their woes. Like going to lunch or for a walk together. Doesn't have to be fancy or complicated. If you want to help, just 'be there' for them. And even if they're too upset to show their appreciation at the time, it doesn't mean they don't appreciate it.

I usually say that I'm sorry to hear they're feeling bad... or if online I usually just say ' ' because I have no idea what to say... but I want to show that I feel bad for them. Sometimes I ask people if they want to talk about it. I dunno, I just feel so inept at dealing with people being upset. If it's a family member, like my mum, I just give her a cuddle... but with other people I feel so unsure.

I never thought of asking someone what would make them feel better before, I never even thought of it.

I try to 'be there' for people but they never seem to notice. Not that that's why I'm trying, its just so hard for me, and no one seems to realise that.

Yeah, I guess you're right about showing appreciation... I have a hard time showing it myself... I seem to have a hard time showing any strong emotion, although I'd dearly love to sometimes. I guess my insecurity leads me to believe I'm not 'good' enough to be able to be there for someone or to be appreciated for doing so.

[Tal]

It's always difficult to know what to say to people...I think most people have that problem. I usually pick on any experiences I've had first, and use those to try and offer help, which does tend to make the conversation about 'me'.

If I don't have any, I try to rationalise the problem and come up with possible reasons, solutions etc. I don't know how useful this is, or whether it's appreciated, but that's how I usually respond.

I don't like to offer help though. I mean, what if they asked me to do something I find difficult or impossible.

To be honest though (and depending on the person you're speaking to) there's only a limited amount you can say or do to make someone feel better. Don't expect too much of yourself.


As for showing emotion, I don't show it that well at home (don't like cuddling family members etc), but with friends I potentially can be fairly open and emotional. Certainly with my ex/gf (here i go again...) when I met her she had difficulty in showing emotions or talking about her problems, but I gained her trust and with some persistence managed to get her to open up a lot more and as a result she probably found expressing emotions easier. No magic solution, just talking.

Sometimes if you've had a bad childhood, or just a very lonely one, you tend to bottle up emotions, or not really know how to express them. It just takes practice I guess.

[streetworm]

I'm usually the same way and have nothing to say. But every now and then I actually do really good. I think in those situations the reason I was so good at helping them was getting them to talk everything out with me.

What happened to them.
Why they feel the way they do.
What options they have to solve the problem.
How they think they should correct the problem.

If you can help them solve whatever issue is at hand without actually pressuring them to make a certain choice I think it works out a lot better.

Basically though I think asking them questions and letting them talk their way through their own problems is a very good way to do things. It's always a lot easier to listen than to talk anyways.

[wonkothesane]

Sometimes, people aren't expecting you to say anything they just want somebody to listen. And sometimes people really do want their attention diverted to something else/anything else, other than their immediate problem - that can be a great thing for some people, just bringing them somewhere to clear their head, then when they disscus their problem again they will probably see things in a different light. I

It is frustrating to not be able to solve problem for people you care about or love, and if you could solve everybodies problem that would probably make you God or something! Baad things do happen, they make you appreciate the good things.

[annaa]

I agree with wonkothesane.
Distraction is sometimes the best thing. Also, sometimes all people want is someone to listen to them.
I inderstand how you feel though Sigh. I totally freeze when a friend is crying/upset.

[BeatShyness]

I usually do the same thing. I never have much to say if they are upset about something. I am learning on the fly though.