Straight-jacket!!!

[peekaboo]

Could someone tell me if they've ever felt like their head was gonna explode??? I know I have for the last few days I have been feeling very uncomfortable in my mind in my body I mean truly uncomfortable like to the point where I felt like I was gonna lose it!! My head has been feeling heavy like if I could go inside my brain and pull it out all would be well. But I can't I feel like I'm gonna go crazy and lose my mind. Now I see why ppl end up in them mental institutes..I went to the doctor today just to get my blood pressure checked and it wasn't high at all it was 110 so I know its not high blood pressure. What could it be?? Anxiety stress I don't know I'm making plans to see a doctor about this but I don't know what to say. Hellllllllllppppp maybe thats how I should start off

[wagnerr]

This often happens to me when i try to goto sleep at night; all the stress and crap that occurred during the day catches up to me, and whatever i've been thinking about plagues me to no end.

At this point it usually takes a couple of drinks of Vodka to make me relax enough to fall asleep.

[kipper]

I would suggest quitting you job first thing in the morning and applying at the local post office

jk

I lost my mind once... it really really sucked! The first time I serriously tried self-hypnosis I went back to my memory of the first girlfriend I had ever had. Actually she was the only girlfriend I have ever had, and I was only in 4th grade. Whatever "girlfriend" means to a 4th grader.

anyways I saw a big mistake I had made by never kissing her. Suddenly my whole life of shyness seemed silly to me. My personality changed just like that, 20 years of repression gone. I became expressive and giggly and had a full on urge to go out and kiss the first girl I saw.

I had the bright idea to smoke some pot and get some sleep though before I went out and tackled the world. After I got stoned I suddenly became my old self and my life sucked again.

I couldn't decide which me was the right me, I loved being the new me, but I had spent 20 years becoming the old me. And that's when the hugest wave of anxiety I've ever felt in my life came on. Suddenly my head felt like I had two different people inside it and they both were running in circles trying to kill eachother. Everything became circles. Everything I saw or thought seemed to both prove and disprove both of these personality's. It just kept going like that. Anything I could think of to get myself out of it just became another reason for the two minds to go around in circles.

It's really hard to put into words, in part because I don't want to remember it. I've never been suicidal but if I had had a gun there I would have used it just to make it all stop. The longer it went on, the quieter the voices became and the less I could think at all. I think this is what they mean when they say "losing your mind". That perfectly described the way it felt. Like eventually I would be left with nothing, not even an identity.

After about half an hour of this ever increasing anxiety I was drenched in sweat and twitching like I had my finger in a light socket.

I finally managed to wander into the other room where my mom was. I couldn't talk but she saw I was in a very bad way and asked me what was wrong. I started trying to explain what was going on and I'm sure I sounded like a complete lunitic. Anyway's, the more I talked, the more things settled down.

If this happens to you, first don't go smoking pot. And if you do then you need to find somebody right away and talk it out. Call the cops if you have to... Talk to whoever you can find. I can tell you from experience that the only way out of it is through human contact.

[kipper]

btw that all happended about two months ago and as painfull as the experience was I feel that I'm much better for it. That whole episode ended up re-aranging my priority's to where becoming healthy is now the most important thing to me. Once that happened, everything else just kind of fall's in line. I wouldn't suggest that anyone use this as a self-help technique, but it did the trick for me.

[peekaboo]

Well, SweetPea...I went to the doctors last week and was put on two different medications for social anxiety. I can't see a difference yet but 2 weeks from now I have to report back to the doctors and get prescribed for counseling CBT. I also have a data entry job which is ok I just started Monday so I'm in training and it sucks my manager has a rather nasty attitude and when I make a mistake she makes it known she gets loud and upset . I don't think she has realized this is my second day and I have to remember alot of information. *sighs* I'm thankful I have a job but gosh when will the rain stop. I'm gonna keep my head up and do me though cuz I need the money and I gotta support myself. I dislike it though cuz I'm at the front and everyone else is pretty much behind me they can see my every mistake and I just feel so uncomfortable but I try to block it from my mind. and appear cool until I make a mistake and have to call for my manager *sighs* its always something. But anyway this is my first week I should feel fairly comfortable by next week. Hope I can last through next week and the week after that.

[kipper]

The hard part is that I have so much to say about it now. I guess I consider myself a new personality now, but one that's made up of both of the old ones and dedicated to figuring it all out.

That identity crises was absolutely the worst experience of my life. I've taken LSD hundreds of times, I've stayed awake for more than a week on meth, I've thrown everything modern man has come up with at my brain but through it all I've always had an identity. Losing that was unbearably painfull to experience.

However it proved to me that the mind is a relatively simple machine that can be understood and changed quite easily with the right tools. It also proved to me that I had some serious psychological knots tied in my head...

I keep wanting to babble on about this. Serriously I've had my response on my desktop for about a week, adding and deleting it over and over... lol

So I'll keep it short and quit while I'm ahead. I think I answered what you asked, right?

[kipper]

I use/abuse drugs for many reasons, most of them the wrong ones like everybody else. To avoid life, to feel good, bla bla bla... but one of my main reasons, especially when I was into acid was to understand mental illness. There have been times when I've made serrious attempts to drive myself nuts. It's not a self-destructive thing... I'm just facinated by the idea of insanity. I've alway's wanted to experience it to see what it's like. I've got a streak of dark curriousity to me.

I had a friend about eight or nine years ago who lost it bigtime. Umung other things he started to believe that his father had been replaced by a clone. Most people who still talked to him spent all their efforts on trying to convince him that he was nuts. I liked to talk to him about the world as he percieved it. I never encourreged or agreed with his delusions, I just listened. It fascinated me that somebody could truly believe that the world worked in such a totally insane way. Eventually he ended up trying to break through the wall of his apartment with a hammer to make the lesbians next door stop playing their sextapes on his VCR... That's when the police became involved and his family finally accepted that his problems went way beyond drugs. I think he spent some time in a real luny bin and got on some anti-psychotics... I hope he's OK now. I'd try to find him and find out but I wouldn't want to be responsible for introducing him back into the world of drugs after what he went through.

I'm using him as a character in a novel I've been working on for the past year or so. The character in my book ends up in prison and finally tries to commit suicide. When he slits his wrist instead of blood he draws sparks and discoveres that when he wasn't looking, "they" snuck in and replaced him with just another cheap android clone.

Anyway's, as hard as I've tried, I've never been able to go nuts like that... Which is probably a good thing. I've got enough to deal with as it is.

BTW... I really appreciated your response to my diary thread. I don't feel so weird about it now after hearing from somebody with the same experience. I still haven't told my story to anybody in person, which I think is an important step, but I think it'll be easier to do now.

[pnoopiepnats]

Probably the bad thing about being committed like that is that you are pretty much signing your life over to other people to control.

If I was locked up like that and forced to be somewhere like that, I would have to escape unless I was too insane to notice and then if they hace high speed internet and some good junk food, I may be alright.

[Medici]

I hate to say this but that cribs heavily from Phillip K Dick, doesn't it?

[Medici]

That novel idea with the drugs and insanity and human clones is a lot like what P.K. Dick wrote many times over in his stories. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (AKA Blade Runner) was one.

[kipper]

Medici said:

That novel idea with the drugs and insanity and human clones is a lot like what P.K. Dick wrote many times over in his stories. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (AKA Blade Runner) was one.

Actually it was after getting into Dick that I started working on this particular story. I've read almost all of his books and storys and consider him one of the most original sci-fi authors ever. The overall concept of my story is very Dick'ian, a stimulant that when used in extream excess gives a person the power to alter reality. The catch is that to get that point you have to do so much that you've become crazy high. Those who use it to shape reality only manage to manifest and spread their own drug induced paranoia and psychosis to everybody else.

Like a Dick book it goes on to explore the nature of reality and god, etc... If I ever finish it, it'll be my tribute to an amazing writter. The character's and situations come from my own life and imagination. Also as far as the feel and style of writting, it's my own.

Whatever... I'm writting it for me, I don't care what other people think or if anybody actually ever reads it. It's a creative thing, once it's out of my head I'm finished with it.

SweetPea said:

about the other thing, yeah...i have some stories. it helps to share stories in my experience. one of the best things that ever happened to me besides talking to my therapist about them was talking to other people who had experienced similar things.

Yes, talking about it with other people makes all the difference. While writting about it on the computer helps, generally I don't move on past realization without talking to a real person. That always seems to clear up the mental blockage so that I can clearly remember the experience and work through the feelings and all that stuff. Like I said before, I learn as I go. I feel much better about things than I have most of my life, I take that as a sign I'm on the right track.

PnoopiePnats said:

Probably the bad thing about being committed like that is that you are pretty much signing your life over to other people to control.

If I was locked up like that and forced to be somewhere like that, I would have to escape unless I was too insane to notice and then if they hace high speed internet and some good junk food, I may be alright.

My parents put me in rehab when I was 17 after they discovered I was smoking and selling coke. I was in there for about three and a half months. About 10% of the kids in there were CD (chemical dependency). Most of the other kids were mild behavioral problems (run-aways, suicidal, etc.) The rest, probably another 10%, were kids who really needed to be there and couldn't have functioned outside an institution.

Anyway's, being institutionalized is an experience. Once you get over the initial shock it becomes more than home to you. You feel safe inside, like everything's being taken care of. I really can't do the feeling justice. Any thoughts of escaping are more like a game. Even when people do manage to escape to the outside they generally return on their own.