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Post by shywarrior on Mar 15, 2004 4:10:43 GMT -5
Has anyone read the piece "Caring for Your Introvert" in the March 2003 Atlantic Monthly? www.theatlantic.com/issues/2003/03/rauch.htmIf you're shy, this is a real gem. This article has completely changed my perspective on the shyness "problem". I no longer view it as a problem, but as an aspect of human diversity, like being left-handed or redheaded (these may be bad examples considering the grief that people with these "problems" have sometimes suffered), and making me change my approach. Consider the opposite "problem". What about people who enter relationships, even marriages, in order not to be seen as being alone or friendless; young people who commit crimes in order to be "in" with their social groups; entertainers who feel that they have to constantly be "on", having to always be witty or entertaining; people who can't stand their "friends", only keeping them in order to maintain their social standing? Where is the "Overly Social Support Group"? Of course shyness can indeed become a serious problem, in which case one should seek help. Otherwise ... give yourself a break! Which is what I've decided to do. At 44, I feel that I'm getting too old for this crap. I've been through a lot in the past few years and I like to tell myself that I've gotten the shyness beaten out of me. Ageing has also put things into perspective: things that seemed terribly important a few years ago aren't such a big deal now. Hard to explain this, but knowing and being who I am is now a higher priority than trying to fit myself into a social role. I also think that I appreciate that people are diverse. Whatever your situation, there are hundreds, millions of people just like you. The Internet is a wonderful tool for dipping into this great pool of diversity, as demonstrated partly by this message board. You're more "normal" than you think, you're as normal as anyone else, given the great diversity of people. Extroversion is simply a predominant temperament, something that evolved over time, like being redheaded. The Atlantic Monthly piece has gotten me thinking of wild possibilities. "Shy Culture", anyone? Starting to rant, I think I may be on the verge of a middle-aged "epsode", so please pardon me. But also please read Mr. Rauch's essay and let me know what you think. Shy Power! |
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Post by Jarous on Mar 27, 2004 1:59:28 GMT -5
Good article, shywarrior. I hope more like this one will appear in the future and help inform general public about shyness, introversion, social anxiety etc. Then we'll perhaps be more widely accepted and understood.
I am not sure I agree with the 'do not talk to an introvert lost in thought,' though. It may be I am not actually introverted but an extrovert crippled by anxiety - I don't mind at all when people come and talk to me. Yea, providing they do not ask 'Are you OK?'
The idea of Shy Culture is nice but only for a moment. I don't think there'd be many shy singers, dancers, even actors would be few...
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Post by Nicole on Mar 27, 2004 14:27:50 GMT -5
I didn't really relate to the article for the same reason Jarous touched on. I don't feel like I want to be by myself or left alone. Rather, I feel like an extrovert that is inhibited or "crippled" by something. It doesn't feel like my natural self; it feels like my natural self is blocked somehow.
I agree, though, that it doesn't make us "abnormal" while everyone else is "normal." If I've learned anything, it's that *everyone* is screwed up in some way. At the old office I worked at, one woman was on Paxil for anxiety, another was on Zoloft for depression, another was on Wellbutrin for depression, and two others were on Xanax for anxiety. There were only a few of us (including me) that were not on any sort of medication! It made me feel like maybe I wasn't so screwed up after all. Everyone has psychological "issues" - some are just better at hiding it than others.
I don't really want to accept this as "my personality" and just move on, though. I think that personality is fluid, rather than static. If I'm not happy with some aspect of myself, I will work to change it. However, I'm also not going to beat myself up about it and think that I'm a failure if things don't work out. All things in time...
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Post by Matic on Apr 3, 2004 18:53:36 GMT -5
I read a few things in this article that reminded me about myself. At large gatherings, I do tend to feel "tired" after a short time (even if I'm enjoying myself, and not terribly anxious), but I feel just fine once I leave the group. I'm also pretty sure I come off as rude or aloof when I don't mean any harm to others. At the same time, I don't quite agree with just leaving an introvert alone with his/her thoughts. I know for sure that I usually don't mind people being concerned about me. It reminds me that people do care about me. (Of course there <i>are</i> times where I want to be left alone, but everyone gets those.  ) Sometimes I wonder whether I'm an "anxious extrovert" (which would explain a lot), or an introvert trying to be an extrovert (which would also explain a lot). In any case, this was a good read. |
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Post by CaryGrant on Apr 13, 2004 13:37:48 GMT -5
Introvert: someone who enjoys being alone
Shy person: someone who is alone because s/he is held back by fears...
The two are not at all the same.
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Post by gratitude2 on Apr 13, 2004 14:45:11 GMT -5
I thought it was a good article. I would have to say that I am an introvert who always wished I was an extrovert. I know I'm not just a shy extrovert because I have always valued my alone time. And this is so true for me "The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself."
I really liked this part too "We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct."
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Post by Evarie Fayore on May 9, 2004 8:14:38 GMT -5
I'm definitely an introvert, albeit a shy introvert. And I do agree with the 'don't talk to an introvert when lost in thought' because if I'm talking with an extrovert and we suddenly fall silent, my mind immediately starts thinking about things that interest me and then suddenly the extrovert will interupt my thoughts to go on about some mundane small talk. I love thinking and being by myself, but I probably do it too often!
However, that's not to say that I never want to talk to anyone. I would like to be able to converse with others easily and be a bit more bubbly and interesting around people. But no matter what, I'll always be an introvert and I'm okay with that. I just don't want to be shy anymore.
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Post by Some Guy on May 9, 2004 10:55:42 GMT -5
I feel like i definately spend too much time alone and i often feel the need to be around friends if just for a little while. However this doesnt mean i dont like to be alone. I like to spend a lot of time alone but i tend to feel more insecure if i go for very long periods without being around friends. I think I am more of a shy person than in introverted person because i am happy to be around friends for many hours as long as i am feeling relaxed and not anxious, although i get very anxious around new people and would rather be alone.
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Post by Shana on Jul 10, 2004 12:27:46 GMT -5
"Introvert: someone who enjoys being alone
Shy person: someone who is alone because s/he is held back by fears..."
I think that I am by nature, an introvert, but that due to experiences became a know that I do need and enjoy some human contact. There has be some type of balance. I don' t think that it would hurt to be able to converse, interact just enough as necessary in order to survive happily in today's society!
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Post by ponykitty on Aug 3, 2004 20:59:53 GMT -5
Wonderful article!
I think it's possible to be introverted AND shy.
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Post by Monnlightairshadow on Aug 16, 2004 7:56:22 GMT -5
agree..that is a good article...that's what i've been thinking for awhile now too...what you feel about yourself is what matters the most... anyway, so being an introvert is normal? but well, what is NORMAL anyway....  "I think everyone is so complex, and different in their own way, people who are different from each other, think the other one's weird and abnormal. What's normal for them is for ppl who are like them. What's normal for us is for ppl who are like us But if everyone would be the same, and act the same then that would be too weird and abnormal so what is NORMAL anyway???" |
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Post by rosepoet on Dec 1, 2005 23:57:06 GMT -5
That's a very good article, though I know in some points it did seem to lean towards the introverted side a bit too much (extroverts can be just as calm and intelligent as introverts, it depends on the person).
I find that I'm both introverted and shy, but then again, I love to be around the company of people, I'm just not so sure how to go about it at times, because I have the fear that holds me back at times. At the same time, I'm able to be comfortable by myself sometimes and need that "quiet time" to relax and reflect within my own thoughts. I think the take home message from this article is that we have to be sensitive to all people, be receptive to who they are and not judge or generalize them for their attributes, but rather make accomodations and really see whom they are as individuals.
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Post by iroseiroared3 on Dec 12, 2005 2:47:35 GMT -5
Wow, only 25% are introverts.
I think I am shy and introverted; I think my introvertedness has maybe "developed" from being shy. But I've always loved to go into my own mind and find happiness there.. that definitely fills me up a lot more than being around other people. Unless I'm with friends or something. But in general, I've never loved parties, nor any other huge social events. And although I can get bored a lot, I don't feel lonely or feel like I need a ton of people there to ease my boredom. A lot of times, being with people is boring in itself. I think I'm getting to be more truly introverted than just shy as I get older.
But I do think, like I said above, that it stems from my shyness. I believe it's hard for me to work with others because I am afraid of feeling controlled since it's hard for me to say no sometimes when other people have an opinion, since I end up believing much of the time that they're right and I'm wrong.. so I'd rather just do it on my own and spare the pain. Also, since people in the past have hurt me, I've always felt brought down by people, whereas if I'm alone, my confidence is brought up. So I think if I had been treated better or felt better about myself throughout my life, I might be a much more social person. Because there are occasions where I like being loud and goofy and social, too.
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Post by iroseiroared3 on Dec 12, 2005 2:53:04 GMT -5
Yeah, I don't necessarily feel shyness is just a type of personality. If you're ok with it and you like to accept it as part of who you are, then it is. But I've always thougt of it more as a problem that needed to be solved. Not because a person is introverted, but I mean because a person feels shy in the sense that they feel they can't be comfortable around others and feel that others are somehow better. I think that's more of a problem, not just a trait. That's only my opinion though.
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Post by Paulinus on Dec 12, 2005 4:20:34 GMT -5
I think it depends on what you want. I want to get over my shyness enough to make everyday things more bearable, but I know I'm a introvert and am never gonna want to go to big parties or whatever and I've always valued some quiet time.
I think my biggest obstacle is to care less about what others think of me and not to be embarrassed about being like that.
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