inner control freak and avoidance

[zaab]

Yeah me too. It is only fairly recently that I started seeing myself in terms of being a control freak to a certain extent. I finally put things together when I tried to figure out why my anxiety about flying was so enduring. I can easily reason that riding my bike or driving my car are statistically way riskier, and especially the way I do each, but that never effected my stress when flying.

Then it hit me. When flying my survival depended on a lot of people doing their job right--engineers, mechanics, pilots, computer geeks, air traffic controllers, stewardesses....and the list goes on. That is just way too many people for me to trust at one time. Thus my sense of control over the situation deteriorates with each perceived variable.

I board the plane and there are certain things I do to try to wrest control of the situation. Unless you look at my fear through the lens of being a control freak this may sound odd, but I feel much better being by a window. I need to see everything that is happening as the plane is taking off and landing. If someone closes the shade it drives me nuts. I can't sleep because sleep feels like total loss of control for me. I can no longer monitor everything that goes on in the plane.

I study the wing for mechanical defects and try to determine that everything performs and sounds like it did the last time I flew. I scan the passengers to see if there are any potential nutcases on board. If I can see the ground I try to guess what part of the world I'm flying over and the progress the plane is making.

So yeah, you can just imagine how I might act around someone who I'm attracted to. Its not so much, anymore, that I avoid them completely. I've learned to get past that to a certain extent. Its just that I now have varying success with letting go and being relaxed in how I am. I find myself rehearsing things that I want to say to them over and over in my mind, really mundane simple things like "how was your weekend?" Things that don't need to be rehearsed. But its a strange strategy to try to wrest control over the situation. It makes as much sense as having a window seat and staying awake on the plane.

Well, at least, I hope, by going up to the person in full control freak mode I'm laying open the chance that something unexpected is going to happen and I'm going to have to deal with it in turn. And when I handle it, and when I do handle it, it'll lead to the idea that I CAN handle it and I won't feel like I have to control the situation as much. This has happened but not the extent as I would like. (And doesn't THIS sound like just the thing a control freak might say...hmmm.)

[zaab]

SweetPea said:

meanwhile, the other passengers are all looking at the wild eyed guy sitting by the window who is sweating profusely and always looking around restlessly...like he's waiting for something to happen...lol

Give....me...a...break! I've had thirty-odd years to learn how to hide my anxiety under a cool exterior, after all. Sheesh!

[zaab]

I'll hijack SweetPeas thread to mention a couple minor victories over avoidance lately. Today I went to practice with the company softball team. I played sports with friends when I was younger but I never belonged to a team before, well....a little soccer for a couple years, but forget that. But I haven't caught or thrown a ball in years so this was a potentially embarassing scenario for me.

Not many people showed up for practice, but I had a really fun time. I had trouble in the beginning, but at the end I didn't want to leave. I was making difficult catches and throws and surprising the heck out of myself and I was getting some positive comments. So cool beans on that front.

Then I joined what looks to be a really fun outdoors group that does stuff like tobagon, camp, climb, snowshoe, go out to happy hours, have barbecues. Some of the stuff looks a little pretentious, like hanging out at wine bars and having philosophical talks. But I suppose I have to face the facts: I can be pretentious with the best of them. They seem to be around my age, which will actually be pretty strange, hanging around people my age. The meetings fall on the times that I work. I wish I would be able to attend them as a better way to break the ice than just showing up at an activity cold, but I have to work with what I got, I suppose.

[zaab]

SweetPea said:

so cool, zaab! good for you. was it difficult to make yourself go? did you try to talk yourself out of it, or almost change your mind, show up late, anything like that? i ask because i would.

Yeah, I had to flip-off my inner talk a few times. I waited until the very last moment to get a glove. It was a little cool and breezy today so I almost used that as an excuse not to go. I waited until the last moment to eat lunch and I didn't have any food in the house, so that was another booby trap I put in my way. I stayed up late last night and set up the potential that I would oversleep and not have time to buy the glove or eat. I woke up pretty early despite that and was going to nap for another hour, which would have also done the trick.

I showed up late, but not ridiculously late, just zaab late.

[zaab]

SweetPea said:

lol, isn't it funny? sounds just like me though. sometimes when i think about my funny little act i can't stop myself laughing cuz i'm so damn ridiculous. ;D

Oy Veh! Ay Carumba! Dios Mios! Ach du lieber! Geez Louise! What more can I say?