Post by Bodhi on Sept 30, 2005 10:11:16 GMT -5
papdancer said:
I've just skimmed through this because I'm lazy hehehe, but I don't really agree. Pedantically I certainly wouldn't say that effort causes crushes. I'm thinking I misinterpreted this becuase surely you need the goal to be desirable to put the effort in the first place. Sure sometimes it might help perpetuate the crush. It can be hard to let go of a good thing after all. Also there is the satisfaction of doing a long hard task. The feeling of completion and accomplishment etc or sometimes if you spend a long time doing something you just want to get it over and done with so you haven't wasted all your time. I don't really see these meaning too much in terms of crushes. Especially as they are rarley completed in terms of 'getting it on'.
Can I ask what were the results of people who didn't complete these tasks? what were the tasks? was there variety in the tasks? what sort of people were used? were they shy or non shy etc? Psychology has a bad habit of over generalising, simplifying and exaggerating sometimes.
Hey I'm just speaking for me really, I have never thought 'wow I have spent time and effort on something, therefore it is great'. I have though spent time and effort on something because I thought it was great and worth it. They are two very different things.
As zaab said his thoughts built up. So they started from somewhere. If you think something is going to make a great difference then it is hard to let go. Especially if you don't have many other options. I think someone, maybe you lilster mention perspective. This to me is the key factor. I don't think shy people have much perspective because alot of them live very sheltered, introverted lives. Those that haven't I find don't seem to put so much weight on finding someone. They don't see it as the be and end all.
Especially when you are young and hormonal, loneliness can be an awfull thing. I think the loneliness or the hope that someone can end the loneliness is far more important in terms of exaggerating the person we have a crush on. Because they become the great hope. Also since we don't have many friends, feel different to most people, like we don't or can't fit in then to meet someone who we think we could get on perfectly with... wow... in basic terms of supply and demand, they become precious, the rare diamond etc. Since no one else offers this hope they become all powerful. Since nothing or nobody else can 'save' us from loneliness they become everything to us. As time goes on, we become increasing lonely, have even lower self-esteem etc, it becomes more important to find a way to get it together with the great saviour. The lonelier we are, the more unhappy we are, the greater relief, joy, hope thinking about what it would be like to be with this person who can take all the misery away becomes. It's an escape, a way out of the loneliness. When you think this person is the only one for me, you have hope. You have a way out.
I think we exaggerate this more and more because because we as humans need solutions to problems. The more desperate the problem, the more we need a solution. The more we need a solution the more we exaggerate or depend on what may seem the only solution we have. We convince ourselves that this person will save us because we need to. The hope keeps us going.
That's the way I see it anyway. I could believe this justification of effort could play a part but I don't see it as a big part. I think it would play a bigger part in having to do something you don't want to. To convince yourself it was worthwhile and your life isn't a bucket of shit etc.
I'm no expert though lol. I just don't think it's a coincidence that people with the biggest crushes or more desperate to find someone seem to be people who haven't had many relationships. I.e it's a lack of experience and perspective. Surely if the justification of effort was a major factor then it would affect everyone equally.
Eh, I'm just rambling. Ignore me lol.
I think I agree with some of what you say.Obviously there must be an intial attraction to the crush before you start to put any effort into them. But I think putting the effort into them is what intensifies the attraction and makes you want them more. I also agree that us shy people do see our crushs as our saviors from lonliness. That is what I think, that if I do find a girlfriend my problems will be over and I will not be lonely anymore. I know, it won't solve all my problems, but it would solve a very big one. But that kind of thinking I think also contriubutes to shy people developing such severe crushs. So alot of different things go into it and you're right, you can't boil it down to just one psycological factor. The human mind is a complicated thing, and figuring it out is next to impossible.