How i've been overcoming my shyness

[aforgottenmemory]

All my life i've been incredibly shy, mostly because my school life was terrible as i was verbally abused constantly. Since i've left i've become so much better when it comes to my shyness, so i thought i'd share how i've come through it with you.

To build confidence for myself i got myself into shape since i was quite podgy before. I joined a gym and worked out regularly. Recently i also got myself some new clothes and haircut too. It sounds really shallow but sometimes you have to work on the outside to feel better within.

I also began listening to people around me a lot more. Just the little things people would say at perhaps a shop counter for instance. Despite not liking them i also watched a few reality shows Even if i didn't like who i was watching it fascinated me how they spoke.

This helped me get my mind in the right place as it made it clear to me that not everyone will like me. But in order to find the ones that would i had to be myself.

I'm also doing a lot more which involves talking to people. Just little things like answering the phone (still living with my parents) making appointments for myself.

I even went on a blind date which was totally out of character for me. The whole thing didn't work out though because she was talking to some other guy at the same time Ironically though she never went out with the guy (for complicated reasons, a long story) and yet two weeks later she went out with someone else! :oHowever she says she still really wants to be friends with me...any advice here on whether i should or not? After all i've pretty much disposed of what little pride i have by begging her (through txt and e-mail. I've never called her on the phone) to go out with me...

Frustration and anger has also been something to push me through things of late. I've just had enough of letting shyness stop me doing what seems to come so naturally for everyone else. I can and will get over it and i'm very very close to do doing so.

Something else i have come to realise is that people who are shy are incredibly deep people, at least that's what i have found.

Let me explain that i have two friends who are both very close to me. We'll talk about everything, anything and we trust each other 100%. Some people might look down on me for only having two friends when they have 100 odd people on their mobile phone. But this is not always the case. I believe that a lot of people consider aquaintances to be friends. Where i have two very deep meaningful friendships, some people never have.

I'm new to this site and this kind of advice is probably very old news to you. But it's helped me get over most of what has essentially been depressing me for most of my life.

I just thought i'd share this with you

[Bodhi]

Wow, congrats for working so hard to overcome your shyness, its actually inspiring to me. I hope to try and do some of the things you've been doing, especially in the dating area. I know how difficult it would be for me to go on a blind date so you doing it is a big achievement, even if it didn't work out. As for having two good friends, that too is great and nothing to be ashamed of. I only really have one good friend and even with him he's got a job now and we don't really hang out much anymore. So two good friends is great, and even having one if better than none. Those people who have 100 friends dont really, most of those people are acquantiences that probally they don't talk to much or have any real relationship. Anyway, keep it going, I think you can really overcome this and be a better person.

[aforgottenmemory]

I'm glad you found some inspiration from my experiences and thanks for your support I too share the same problem when it comes to my two friends though, as both have girlfriends and full-time jobs. Sometimes i don't get to see either of them for two months at a time

Also i'd like to add that it was incredibly difficult for me to go on the blind date as you can imagine. But i went into it with the thought that, "It's better to know if something can come of this, than sit around wondering what could have been"

I was really quiet on the date too but then so was she! The trouble with a lot of us shy folk is that we take too much of the blame on our own shoulders. It's quite normal for there to be quiet moments between two people who have only just met. I really didn't think she would have wanted to see me again after but she appariently found me really sweet. It didn't work out but it wasn't because of my shyness and i gained a new friend too

There are two other things i have just thought of that have helped me recently. This one might sound a little odd, but i've come to realise the more i tell myself i'm shy and the more others do...the less chance i have of overcoming it. This logic may not apply to a lot of you but... well it's there in hope someone may find it useful.

The second thing however, i think quite a few of you may relate to. I don't know about you, but i was actually really nervous the first time i posted on a thread.

It was also a really nasty one with lots of "flamers" (i think that's the term they used, which basically means, "being rude to someone") More or less as soon as i had posted people were really rude on that site and i found it quite un-nerving. But then i gradually carried on posting there and after a while i just got used to it. I didn't take how rude people were being on there quite as personally or seriously.

My point with this is that surely you can apply the same logic in everyday life? The first time you talk to someone will be scary, some nasty ones may even be slightly rude by giving an uncomfortable look or "excusing" themselves from the conversation. Now just like me on that forum this may dis-concert you, but the more you do it the more at ease you will be with people, no matter what reaction you get from them. Remember that everyone is different, if ones mean another is nice.

I'm not sure if i'm making much sense or being very helpful. I've done a lot of thinking on this subject for the past four years and these are the things i find help me. Just one shy man's opinion

[shytothebone]

I have been going to the gym off and on for almost ten years now. Mostly off. I am pretty well built I suppose but nothing to be confident about. I can never get motivated to go to the gym or do other things I want like learn to play the guitar, learn to speak Spanish and scuba dive. As far as listening to other people to me it is just small talk and a waste of time. I know it shouldn't sound like that but I think I live in a part of the world where everyone is ate up with stupid. I feel no need to listen to stupid is stupid does kinda shit. Also the advice you want about that girl. She sounds like a ho. I wouldn't mess with her.

[aforgottenmemory]

But that's probably where you're failing when it comes to shyness. Small talk is kinda stupid and a lot of the time not even interesting. But it's there to get more comfortable talking to that person and hopefully find some common ground between the two of you.

As someone who's shy, i don't like to be judged on the way i appear at first because i don't feel they are seeing the real me. I learnt a while back though that i'm expecting way too much too early. You're not going to get that instant ease and bond between each other until you've hung around with them for a while.

As for motivation i can't really help you, other than suggesting when i didn't feel motivated i still went out and did the stuff anyway. I'd come back feeling so much better for it. Try and make yourself more mechanical and let your legs do the walking. Don't always listen to your head and feelings.

I'll admit at times i've kinda felt the way you do about the world being "stupid". A lot of people do seem very superficial, shallow and mean at times. But that's just as much of a front as us shy people. Have you never come away from a conversation thinking that they found you boring, rude or unintelligent because your shyness let you down?

Obviously some people are mean, shallow and the rest of it but you'd be surprised just how deep some people are once you've got to know them. You just have to go through the "stupid" as you call it to get to the better stuff as they may well have to go through the "boring" to get passed your shyness. (I'm not saying shy people are boring by the way, i'm just using it as an example of how you can judge someone too early, much like you might consider someone making small talk to you to be stupid)

As for you wanting to learn scuba diving, Spanish and to learn to play the guitar i think it's good but you're thinking about it in the wrong way. Don't think about the actual learning part of it but visualise yourself already having learnt it. Keep thinking how great it would be to just pick up a guitar and start playing a tune. Or speaking Spanish coherently. The learning parts just the in between that would just take a short time out of your life, but once you've taken this time you'd have gifts that would last forever.

[steppy]

you have given some really good advice, i have been at college for the last year and a bit and im starting to find it a little easier to talk to people. I dont have much self confidence but i think it is slowly improving, i just hope i can get to where you are!

[aforgottenmemory]

I'm glad you found my advice helpful Steppy. As for you getting where i am, you'll surpass me. I'm still by no means really confident when talking and still my voice becomes a little shaky out of nerves when talking on the phone. But i am very much determind to get passed it and i've come leaps and bounds!

You sound like you're doing really well! Just stick at it and you'll do great!