"People Are Talking About You..."

[billd1]

I don't know if Shy People are any more or less sensitive but I suppose one of the most embarassing experiences for anyone in social functioning, is to be told:

"There's something I've got to talk to you about...." (Somebody even wrote a book by that title.

Or,

"People are talking about you,"

Or,

"I don't know if you are aware that people are talking about you."

All of these things are introductions for "bad news," and I can't think of a single time anyone has said any of those things to me, that it has been an introduction to something good that they wanted to talk to me about myself, or something good people had said about me.

It's usually something I've done to annoy other people, that I didnt' realize I was doing, and, of course, as that writer in the 1988 newspaper story said, shy people try to be perfect, so when they do find out they've done something that attracted attention to them in a negative way, they have failed in their attempts at behaving perfectly.

It's rare that it has happened in my life, but I'd say that when someone says to me, "there's something I've got to talk to you about," or "people are talking about you (or someone in your family)," I never feel the same toward those persons, and don't like to be around them, and things are never the same between me, and them again.

It always came as such a shock to me, to be told "people are talking about you," that I never knew what to say.

I finally did come up with an answer, tho:

"Yea, I can imagaine what they're saying about me sounds like."

Anyone else have any observations on this social phenonomenon?

Are people who aren't shy, and don't try to be perfect, have so many such episodes in their life, they can't even remember them all, and have forgoten them, and don't even remember them, and don't feel any different toward the people who had to "talk to them" about something?

[rukryM]

I wouldn't say ALL shy people are trying to be perfect, it depends from person to person. I just think that being told anything like that seriously can hurt an introvert's feelings and make them more distanced from others. Not because they try to be perfect and have failed, but because they're more sensitive about their performance and social behaviour than others. It's hard having to be pose questions like that, I just ignore them and look down on those to are too cowardly to talk to me instead of behind my back.

[skyhint]

I dont understand. How did the phrase "Yes, I can imagine what it sounds like." help the confrontation?

[rukryM]

Oct 30, 2008 16:59:11 GMT -5 billd1 said:

Thanks for the reply, rukryM.

After years of that rare(because I kept my behavior as near to perfect as possible) phenonon (of people "having to talk to me about something," or "people are talking about you, I finally had an occasion where I knew what to say & said it.

I am a member of a church, and the Senior Pastor of the church saw me, and said, "people in the church are talking about your parents."

My reply:

"Yes, I can imagine what it sounds like."

He went on to say that people were saying my parents needed to be put in a nursing home while they were still able to walk thru the door, because if I didn't, nursing homes wouldn't take those who couldn't walk thru the door.

He then said "I am not trying to tell you what to do," which of course, to this day, 18 or so years later, really makes me smile, because telling me what to do was exactly why he was telling me that, yet he denied it, which people always do in such situations.

Well, I'm glad to say my parents never had to go to a nursing home, and in this one case, probably because I was prepared, and knew what to say, I never felt uncomfortable around the Senior Pastor of the church, because he told me that "people are talking about your parents."

Somehow I find it some kind of "unprofessional" when people say that, and especially people in a position like that. They of all should address the problem in a different manner, and not deny the thing they're doing. Also, why did he suddenly say that, did you exhibit uncomfortableness with that situation in his presence, or did he just "try" to help? I would actually have started to distance myself from him, because he didn't behave appropriately for that kind of a job^^.
But nice to hear they didn't go into the nursing home, then.

[rukryM]

Yeah, I'd probably say something like that too, if I'd been talked to like that with the tone and voice revealing what was to come next. Still, I think I'd not feel good though I knew what answer to give. Since I haven't been talked to like that by anyone I can remember so far I cannot share my experiences on the subject, but I can imagine the feeling...distasteful.

However, the thought has crossed my mind if I should talk to certain individuals about issues that concern me or that I'm not taking pleasure in. So far, I haven't done it, and it's likely I won't do it either, since I dislike confrontations/people being moody. If I had been given instructions/order, then I'd most likely execute them but with discomfort haunting my mind before and after the action. Perhaps, if someone came to me and talked to me about it, and then the conversation took the direction towards my opinions, maybe then I would state them. I just dislike telling people negative things, especially in that "bossy" way.

[Sweet Pea]

Nov 4, 2008 18:31:15 GMT -5 billd1 said:

Thanks for the thots, rukryM.

Now, I'll get onto the perspiration odor thing.

One experience I had was back in 1989. At a business I worked at, the owner said, "Bill, there's something I've got to talk to you about."

Well, of course, I knew it wasn't about anything good.

He continued, "Well, it's kind of delicate..."

No it was going to be something very bad...

"I don't know if you are aware...."

It was going to be somethng VERY, VERY bad!

"...that there has been some talk among the other employees about your personal hygiene."

Well, I certainly was shocked, and stunned, & didn't know what to say.

But, I said, "I'm sorry about it, I don't have any excuses, and I'll try to correct the problem."

He then said, "are you mad?"

Well, I said "No," & I suppose it was the correct thing to say, since I was so shocked by what he had told me, that I didn't have time to get mad.

I realize now, the right answer would have been, "It takes me awhile to get mad, and this is such a shock to me, I haven't had time to get mad about it. Just give me some time..."

Well, when I told him I wasn't mad, and that I would try to correct the problem, that should have been enough for him, but it wasn't.

He continued, "people away from the business have also been talking about the matter."

I really think he had already told me enough, & didn't need to add that remark about people away from the business talking about me, & I should have told him so.

I always made a special effort to be sure I didn't have perspiration odor when I was at that business, and around that individual, but I never felt "right" around him, or any of the business employees, or people away from the business he knew, and could have been referring to.

Things were never the same again after that.

He died fairly recently, and I did not go to his funeral.

If it hadn't been for that episode, I might have gone to the funeral.

Unlike with the Senior Pastor of the church, this is one time that I didn't "get over" somebody having to "talk to me about something."

wow, that must have really sucked.

when you're among friends you can say something like, 'damn, you stink!' lol ;D but at work? wow. that would not be pleasant.

i think i can relate because, as i've mentioned before, when i was a kid in school i became a target for ridicule cuz i didn't have the latest sears & roebuck back to school outfits like the rest of the kids.

i came from a big family, and we didn't have a big wardrobe budget. i also had to stand in line with 6 other kids and 2 adults to get bath time, so i didn't have squeaky clean hair every day. i got razzed about my hair and my clothes alot. it sucked, lol. i can laugh about it now cuz it was a long time ago. hell, some of those people are probably dead by now too! lol ;D

[rukryM]

Nov 4, 2008 18:31:15 GMT -5 billd1 said:

"...that there has been some talk among the other employees about your personal hygiene."

Well, I certainly was shocked, and stunned, & didn't know what to say.

But, I said, "I'm sorry about it, I don't have any excuses, and I'll try to correct the problem."

He then said, "are you mad?"

Well, I said "No," & I suppose it was the correct thing to say, since I was so shocked by what he had told me, that I didn't have time to get mad.

I realize now, the right answer would have been, "It takes me awhile to get mad, and this is such a shock to me, I haven't had time to get mad about it. Just give me some time..."

Well, when I told him I wasn't mad, and that I would try to correct the problem, that should have been enough for him, but it wasn't.

He continued, "people away from the business have also been talking about the matter."

Wow, that must have been a very tough experience. I think he shouldn't have said that of the concern of the business people, you probably got the message in the first place. If I were you I'd ask about more specific details, but that's just me {I prefer knowing ALL when there's an "error" I need to correct}. At least something more than hygiene problems. But, I also know it is standing there, I'd probably just get embarrassed and walk away, so I think you did fine^^.

And personally {don't know how smart it is to say this} I wouldn't have gone to his funeral either.

[skyhint]

So is the odor problem a big thing for you bild? Is it a medical condition or just something you forget to tend to? If you are insecure about your scent maybe you should see a doctor about getting perscription ... stuff to put on your skin.

I think as teenagers we all went through a little of that issue.

[rukryM]

The weird thing is, that if the guy had mentioned the odor problem to me in an amusing and entertaining way, and kind of joked about it, then I'd most likely prefer that over the "we-need-to-have-a-talk", though he wasn't my mate or a familiar person of me in any way...odd, but true. Perhaps because it had made the trouble seem a little less serious, perhaps?

[pnoopiepnats]

You say you don't like water; does that mean you aren't showering bathing daily?

[rukryM]

I've actually caught myself in having an odor sometimes, mostly because it's been hot outside ;D. I always take a shower daily, though. I don't know, if you don't like water, you may want to work on that....? To me it seems kind of critical to "accept" water if you need to clean yourself^^.

[Sweet Pea]

i would be completely incompatible with anyone who dislikes water. i'm a water baby. i bathe long and frequently. it's one of my few luxuries. speakin of which, there was a guy at the library earlier who damn near stank me right outta there. whoo! damn, that was bad! fortunately he didn't stay in my immediate vicinity for long, because i woulda definitely had to leave.

[rukryM]

It's always the males who have odor problems ....why don't we hear about women who have that^^?

[Sweet Pea]

Nov 7, 2008 11:37:40 GMT -5 rukryM said:

It's always the males who have odor problems ....why don't we hear about women who have that^^?

my objection with women is usually that they drench themselves in perfume...which makes me sick.

some guys do it too. i prefer clean but unperfumed, and i'm not shy about telling guys that either. i think i've offended many a guy by doing just that, lol.

[rukryM]

Guys don't need perfumes, only a deodorant here and there^^. A good shower should take care of any odors, that's my philosophy on the subject.