Nah growing up, moving out, and becoming self sufficient really isn't an American thing.
Italians and Aussies want their dead weight spawn to get the hell out too.
You can't seriously get me to believe those of you who are late 20s and up are contributing equally to your parent's home. Lawn care, household chores, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, pay the bills, etc.
What really goes on most of the time is what is written in this article below.
What to do when your adult kids won't move out
By Susan Hely,
Money Magazine
The new word on the lips of parents with older children is KIPPERS. It stands for kids in parents’ pockets eroding retirement savings. More kids are living in the family home longer — in some Australian suburbs the percentage of young adults living at home can be as high as 71 percent.
Why would you move out when there are home-cooked meals, cable TV, broadband internet, free access to the family car, laundry service and little or no rent? Kid-adults may move out if they marry, but the median age for men to get married keeps going up. In 2003 it was 29 for men and 27 for women, up from 25 and 22 in 1981.
This means parents aren’t focusing on their own retirement. Parents delay downsizing because the kids are at home. Parents can’t afford to boost their superannuation savings because they are paying for their kids’ food and other expenses. Young adult children aged 18 to 24 are the most expensive, costing low-income parents around $260 a week, middle-income parents $367 and high-income parents up to $555 a week, according to NATSEM’s report for AMP on the cost of raising children in 2007.
Most of this is for food and energy, education, transport and recreation. In many cases parents have to work longer because they can’t afford to retire, or they must adjust to a lower retirement lifestyle.
The dilemma for parents and kids has been explored in an excellent TV series called The Nest, on SBS. There are three families: the Curran family with 27-year-old son Jeremy at home; the Troche family with only child, 25-year-old Anielka; and the Wilkinson family with four kids ranging from 27 to 20, plus a live-in girlfriend.
What The Nest shows is that young adults don’t become fully mature adults when they stay living at home because there is always a safety net. The mums (and sometimes the dads) are house slaves, often because they don’t want to ask too much of their kids. No wonder the girls don’t want the lives of their mothers.
The young adults aren’t learning lessons that set them up for the real world such as budgeting and bills, not to mention cooking, cleaning and learning to contribute. Many of the young adults in The Nest can afford a range of activities from day trading to expensive hair care to fast cars, largely because they are subsidised by their parents. "As well, living at home encourages a selfishness that grows and eventually they will become really bad partners and employees," says Dr Dina McMillan, a social psychologist who gives the young adults expert advice on The Nest. "They believe that anyone older is someone they get things from, rather than contributing to. Small businesses close down because they can't rely on their young staff."
The Nest shows what happens when the kids move out to share a house and have to buy furniture, pay rent and utility bills, not to mention get on with their housemates. Financial planner Scott Pape, another expert on the program, sits down with them and teaches them how to budget, pay bills, and not to use their credit cards, by taking them away. Author of The Barefoot Investor, Pape says that to become financially successful and independent requires about 20 percent knowledge and 80 percent behaviour.
He says many baby-boomer parents had to start out renting, share a house, cook and clean, but the kids came along when the parents had built up their wealth and lived in a big house with all the facilities. McMillan says kids from a young age need to know they need to contribute fairly to the family. If the young adults can’t afford to pay market rent, they should contribute their time and do jobs like the laundry and shopping. “They have to respect their parents and see them as people.”
And this letter from a frustrated parent:
www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2007/09/04/living_at_home/print.htmlTo print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser
My son is almost 30 and won't leave home
I know I can't support him anymore -- I need to save for retirement. What do I do?
By Cary Tennis
Sep. 04, 2007 | Dear Reader,
I hope you had a good Labor Day vacation. Yes, we still call it Labor Day. Soon some enterprising young Associate Naming Specialist working deep in the bowels of the White House Bureau of Corporate Holiday Sponsorship, Division of Revenue Enhancement Research and Implementation, will make it Wal-Mart Labor Day, or Kmart Labor Day, but for now we still call it just Labor Day, hollow as that may sound.
Anyway, that sort of reminds me about how hard it is to make social change when many of us feel unrepresented by the major political parties, do not belong to labor unions and must figure out for ourselves how to make activism a part of our complicated little private lives of comfort and ease. So along came this book called "The Lifelong Activist" by Hillary Rettig. It is about how to arrange your life so that even though you have to work for a living and pay bills and raise a family or whatever, you can avoid getting sucked into the utterly life-draining mess that is the typical consumer lifestyle. So you can find time to pursue your art or change the world or both.
Now I admit to having all the typical biases against anything that might smack of self-help. This book is not about finding your bliss. I mean, you might find your bliss along the way. But that is not what this book is about. It is about becoming more useful and effective as an activist or artist. I recommend that you take a look at it.
Now on to today's letter, about a young man who seems to find it hard to leave home.
Dear Cary,
I'm a single mother with a grown son. I love him more than I can say. He's a good person, a great guy in so many ways -- smart, creative, kind to animals, etc. We get along well, have common interests and enjoy each other's company. The rest of my immediate family is dead, and he is literally all the family I have.
The problem is that he's turning 30 and shows no signs of wanting to leave home. He did move out and try the roommate route twice, but both times it did not turn out well and he moved back in with me. This wouldn't be so bad -- we do get along and all -- but he doesn't pay half the expenses, or even a quarter. In fact, he doesn't pay me anything at all. My frequent requests for him to contribute to the rent and utilities often result in his losing his temper and yelling at me that all I care about is money. He spends his salary on himself: clothes, movies, computer accessories, you get the drift. It's as if he still sees himself as a teenager with an allowance.
It's true that he doesn't make enough money to live on his own. We live in Los Angeles, and the cost of living is pretty high. He would have more options if he had a better job, and this keeps almost happening. And then it's as if he sabotages the situation. Why? When I was his age, I was supporting myself and raising him, all by myself.
I saw a movie called "Failure to Launch" about this very situation. It was a comedy. But this isn't funny. I keep thinking that this situation could be a lot worse, but it still just grates on me. The fact that he seems to feel it's all right to sponge off me hurts; it shows a serious lack of love and respect for me. And yet, he does seem to love and respect me. I don't get it. My retirement is approaching on little cat feet; I should be socking away any extra cash for myself, not using it to support him. I keep seeing my future self, living on Social Security and my small retirement account, and still supporting him. Or even worse, still working because I can't afford to retire. I can't stand it.
Where did I go wrong? What can I do? I can't throw him out on the street; I just can't. But not leaving the nest and learning to fend for himself in the world aren't good for him. I know he wants to find the right woman and get married, too, but he rarely dates. Who wants a man who is still sponging off his mother?
Please give me some advice. I honestly don't know what to do.
Forever Mom
Dear Forever Mom,
There really is only one thing you can do. You have to kick him out. That is, in more gentle terms, you have to tell him firmly that he has to find another place to live.
It may be difficult emotionally. So take some time to prepare. Preparation is not the same thing as delay. It doesn't mean putting it off until you feel ready. It means setting a date, making a commitment and then planning fully and well.
I suggest you begin by writing him a letter, explaining the situation much as you have explained it to me. You will want to tell him face to face about your decision. But writing it out will give you a chance to explore the issues; giving him a copy of it will ensure that you are both clear on exactly what the future arrangements will be.
Take a couple of weeks with the letter. Make a couple of drafts. Delete parts where you find yourself overjustifying, or attacking, or bringing up old hurts and slights. Avoid emotional pleas. Just tell him, as you have told me, that you cannot support him any longer, that you have to be socking away your cash for retirement and that you have set a date by which he must move out. Tell him the date. Make it stick.
You must be definite about the date by which he is to leave. You must be clear about the fact that he cannot return even if the roommate situation isn't to his liking. You have to stick to your guns. His inability to make a roommate situation work in the past is a concern, but it is his concern, not yours. If he has to live with roommates, he will have to find a situation that works.
You are not just kicking him out on the street. If you want to assure yourself that adequate housing is available in your area, consult ads for roommate situations and do the math. Give him the figures if you like. If his income is not going to be sufficient, tell him that he is going to have to find some way to increase his income. If he needs a loan to make it through the first six months, suggest a way that he can get a loan. But do not make him a loan yourself. You must stop supporting him if you are to meet your own financial goals.
Do not forget to review the laws that cover tenants in your area. Even though this is a personal arrangement between you and your son, it is possible that in the eyes of the law you are considered a landlord and may have responsibilities in that regard. I don't know about that, myself. I suggest you consult with an expert -- either a landlord-tenant attorney or a legal aid agency qualified to advise you.
This is a tough situation. There is no reason for you to kid yourself. It could be one of the hardest things you have ever done. And you will miss him. It would be wonderful if he were to find self-sufficiency, form a family of his own and bring you into it, so that you have a place in a new family. That would be great for everyone. But whatever happens, know this: You are doing the right thing.
As you write your letter and think this through, other small details of the arrangement may occur to you. That is good. No detail is too small to consider and agree about. I suggest, for instance, that you explicitly insist that he perform the physical move himself, or enlist moving help on his own. If he needs furniture and you have some pieces you wish to let go of, offer him those specific pieces of furniture. If he needs dishes and cookware and you have some extra, set some aside for him. But make it clear that once he has moved out, what remains in the house is your property, not his. Tell him that he should not just come around whenever he feels like it and remove random objects.
These are small things, but they are important. Making all these conditions is a way of creating your new independent relations. It will be difficult but it will accomplish the necessary thing: Your son has to separate from you. He has to become independent so that later in life, when the conditions of dependency change, he can offer support to you.
Write your letter. Cook him some dinner. Tell him he has to move out. Give him the letter. Tell him you love him.
?} and because of not being able to pay for an own house/apartment. Also, who hasn't stayed at home for a year and just worked to earn some money? I find it an abnormality that all juveniles have to move out at the age of 18 or in that proximity. This might sound a little harsh and non-diplomatic, but moving out and being able to manage oneself is part of the process of growing up and becoming an adult^^.
