Hard to make friends

[christine220]

Because I am quiet/shy it is hard to make friends. I used to have really close friends and anymore I don't really. I have one close friend who is a guy I've been friends with for 14 years. And my fiance and my sister. Other than a few people I only talk to at work that is it. I used to have several female friends but they drifted away I guess.

I was on facebook today and saw my best friend of 20 years (we had been friends since kindergarten) We are facebook friends (stupid) but we don't ever talk now. It has been like that for about 5 years. We had been friends since first grade and even went to college together and were roommates. She married her HS boyfriend and he was in the military so that is when we started drifting apart. She was always moving around and at first we kept in touch but once she had her daughter it was like she only wanted to be friends with other moms. About four years ago she told me she'd be "home" where I live for Christmas and we made plans to get together. She told me she'd call me and we'd set up a time and day. I sent a christmas card to her mother in laws house (where she'd be spending the holidays) and I never heard from her. I called her and left 2 messages and she never replied. About six months later she said she'd been busy and didn't have time to see me. I tried to keep in touch. She invited me to her baby shower (I had received an invitation) and another friend of mine (who this friend barely knew and hadn't talked to in YEARS) told me that my best friend had called her and personally invited her to the shower. (my other friend had a child) and she found it strange that she called her after all these years since they were never close. I was VERY hurt that she never called me since we used to be so close and instead favored my friend. I went to the shower but she didn't even speak to me after hello. I felt so out of place. I still emailed her though. Told her when I got engaged, told her when my grandmother passed away, told her when my sister got married. I NEVER heard back from her.

Last year her grandfather was killed in a freak accident and i heard about it and sent her an email (I had no idea where she lived at this point) saying I was sorry about her grandfather. She sent me back a very brief email saying thank you. I found her on facebook earlier this year and I was suprised she accepted my request but she doesn't email me back or respond to anything.

I have another so-called friend that I've known since 8th grade. We were close and we hung out a lot. About four years ago we did a girl's night out every wed. night. I was always there for her when she needed me. She would always cry on my shoulder about breakouts etc. We used to talk every day. Another friend of mine introduced her to a guy and she ended up marrying him a year later. I had always assumed I'd be in her wedding (we were that close) I mean we spend holidays together and went on vacations together. I found out she asked my friend (that she barely knew) to be her matron of honor in her wedding. And she NEVER asked me to be in her wedding at all. Our friends were shocked and several said to me they couldn't believe she didn't even ask me to be in her wedding. I was hurt and confused and asked her why and she said we were in different places. I wasn't even engaged at the time and my other friend was married. So it seemed she wanted to surround herself with married people.

I was hurt and didn't attend her wedding (I know, that was my fault but I did send her a gift). she did send me a christmas card and I sent one back to her. I got a baby shower invite from her but did not attend. (I Had other plans that day) but I sent her a gift and a card. I have never received a response, not even a thank you for the gift. Another friend of mine (again one who barely knows this girl) told me she sent him and his girlfriend pictures of her baby. But I get nothing.

And the new friends I've made in the last few years just haven't worked out. One girl, I met thru another friend and she was really nice (and quiet like me) and we would hang out and she liked my guy friend. We would double date. When he stopped seeing her she stopped talking to me. I met another girl and we hit it off and hung out and she became close really fast. She would call me crying and I'd listen to her and try to comfort her. I didn't confide in her much and I'm glad because she tried to break my fiance and I up because she liked him and wanted to date him.

I thought I was friends with my fiance's friend's wife (she is older than me) but it was her husband who wanted to set my fiance up with their married daughter so I don't trust her at all anymore either. I'm not a bad person, I'm a good listener, I'm loyal and trustworthy so I don't understand why my so called friends just treat me like dirt lately.

And because of all this I just don't want to put the effort into making new ones.

[zerosum]

I've experienced friends falling away likehair due to hairloss too...but not like that. Maybe it's because I haven't lived so much yet That really is awful.

When you're a nice person and try your hardest for people, you do run the risk of being used. It's terrible, but true. At least you can say that it wasn't you - it was a problem with those people. You tried. I'm glad that you see that. You just happened to be at the receiving end of disgusting treatment

Don't give up on making friends. Take a breather..but remember that there are people out there who are prepared to extend real friendship towards you. People who don't have shady agenders and so on. Make sure that when you're getting to know someone, the relationship is mutual, not one sided; that you're not the one wwho's always dropping them a line; that you're not the one who's always sending the gifts. That they are prepared to listen to you just as much as you are prepared to for them.

Someone on another site once said these wise words:
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

Hehe I'm always stealing quotes from people.

By the way, I know what you mean by facebook. It's the reason why I don't think it's the "bestest invention everrr" that some people seem to think it is.

[HybridMoment]

Good friends are hard to find, even for people who aren't shy. For some it's probably a matter of being able to form many superficial friendships at a time and drifting to the most entertaining person they can find. Then there are others who are just are unreliable as a personality flaw; I don't even have friends, but I encounter flaky people almost every day.

I guess you almost have to meet people in a half detached way so you aren't too emotionally invested when they turn into a fair weather friend. Not that this has ever worked out for me though.

[GoldenRose82]

Good friends are seemingly impossible to come by. I only have three people I consider close friends myself, and a couple others that are more acquaintances I guess, and sometimes I wonder why I still consider them friends when they don't seem to be that interested in maintaining communication with me.

My best friend, whom I've been friends with for 18+ years and we always considered each other sisters, barely talks to me anymore and hasn't for at least a couple years. The rare times she logs onto msger and chats with me it's only for about 5 minutes, then she claims she has to go do something else and will be back later (though she never does come back). Another friend of mine that I've been friends with for 13 years doesn't work and only has one kid at home (the others are in school all day), you'd think she'd have time to talk to me, but no. I very rarely hear from her either. Another friend of mine I used to talk to online every day, sometimes for hours at a time, but then she met her current boyfriend a few months ago and now we talk maybe once a week, and the chats are always really short and filled with long pauses like there's nothing more to say all of a sudden.

I had another good friend that I met in middle school that I used to run around with and talk to for hours on the phone (which is saying something since I NEVER talk on the phone), but within a couple years of graduating all of a sudden she quit contacting me and now I have no idea where she is. I don't think I've heard from her in about 6 yrs. I did see her at the Post Office about a year or so ago, but I dunno if she just didn't see me or if she was ignoring me, but no wave or, "Hi, how've you been?" Nothing.

A common theme I've noticed is that my "friends" only seem to be able to make time for me if they're single. Once they find a boyfriend, all of a sudden I'm out of the picture and all their free time is divided between their boyfriend and other friends, and I'm just tossed aside. I feel like talking to me is nothing more than a last resort for them when they're dateless and all their other friends are busy.

[christine220]

Thanks for your thoughts and advice. I feel I have taken a "breather" from trying to make friends. I haven't met anyone new in over a year. It does seem like the only time women want to stay friends is when they are single. Or if they are both married etc. Whenever my friends that I mentioned were single we always hung out even if I was dating someone. But when they got engaged, married, etc it was like they dropped me because I wasn't good enough (married, engaged like them) anymore. Over the summer I did see this girl I grew up with (we were friends for a few years as she used to be my neighbor in high school) We weren't really close but we did hang out a lot since we lived close together. She recognized me (I didn't see her) and started talking to me like we'd just seen each other the day before (very friendly) that was really nice. She doesn't live near me though.

I even had a close friend at work that I was good friends with untl she got married. Now she ignores me or talks to me like I'm from some other planet (she is very formal to me) or something.

[arizona]

Loving people more than they love you is always hard, because you don't understand it. I've had it happen to me too......I still don't understand why some past friends of mine just "stopped" being part of my life. I still miss some of them and it hurts.

[audio]

I agree with you, Arizona. It has happened to me so many times. Now I am all tapped out - emotionally - and don't have any strength to make friends, especially if they are not going to feel the same way. You make what you think is a connection with someone only to find that it was one sided; and it DOES hurt, a lot. There's so much more I could say on this, but I am so fatigued physically and emotionally tonight that that is all I will say at this time. Maybe I'll add more in the future.