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Post by geekguy on Oct 30, 2011 11:05:43 GMT -5
haha haven't written a new one of these in ages, guess its just slipped my mind.
I've felt kinda down for the last few days, since around thursday, but I can feel my mood lifting. I have a suspicion that this isn't really the fault of any unfortunate events of late (such as 2 of the girls I like being in relationships suddenly, missing out on seeing Xilent live because of my wisdom teeth operation, etc), but is possibly a side effect of these pills I'm taking to manage the wisdom teeth pain as well as the anti-biotics I'm supposed to take. It would make some sense because the drugs are pretty heavy, including the stuff they use to put you under in the operating room. A few nice words from some friends and I've been feeling better, and the mood is still going up.
I'm still kinda lonely because of the whole "no girl" thing, but I'm not desperate. I'm not prepared to go pay for a prostitute or anything like that, especially seeing as I'm not just after sex, I want a real relationship. In the meantime, there are things to be done.
I've been neglecting my studies a bit, especially during this past week where I've been out of action from the operation. But I've resolved to make a serious effort to get myself back up to speed this week on all my units. Hell, I started off the course 3 weeks behind everyone, and I caught up and surpassed the rest of the class, no problem. I'm sure I can do it again (and I'm only like a week behind this time).
still haven't done anything about getting a license, feel kinda guilty, must get on that.
I'm starting to get in the financial know how (which is smart considering I'm entering a financial industry), and as a result, I'm thinking a lot more about the money I spend, where I spend it, and how I can save it and make money by investing/savings. I'm now putting 10% of my pay into a high interest bank account every week as well as an extra $50 a week. In time, I'd like to invest this somehow, but for now I'm just letting it grow.
I love my new android phone, despite how battery hungry it is
This week is the week I go and try out a martial arts place, it has been decided.
So um... can't complain too much really. I might ditch the hotel job soon because I'm just not enjoying it on the same level as before. I'm pretty sure one of the managers has a dislike of me and I'm kinda bored of the place, but until I find something better I will stay onboard. The library job is still all good.
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Post by geekguy on Dec 5, 2011 3:39:36 GMT -5
Small update:
Going on the occasional driving lesson with mum every couple of days at least, sometimes more frequently than that. It's hard but I'm sure I'll get used to driving eventually. Feel good about doing that.
Didn't end up checking out that martial arts place lol. It's been soooooooooo hot lately here in Australia that it's a massive effort to move around anywhere outside. One of my friends though does a fitness boxing thing (not real boxing though) so I might jump on that.
New Canadian lady at work is nice, but unfortunately she's 28 and seems to like guys more around her ages. Why am I always so attracted to the ones who are older than me and like older guys xD
Christmas holiday soon! 23rd of December - 28th of December, back in time for new years eve with my friends (as long as I'm not working all night!)
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Post by geekguy on Dec 6, 2011 11:12:19 GMT -5
update on the psychologist thing:
Saw her again today, for the first time in almost 2 months, and she believes that I've progressed extremely far from when I started seeing her for therapy. I'm going places, she put it. Which is great really.
I opened up to her about some negative experiences I've had at high school which have consciously and subconsciously affected how I deal with girls, one experience bad enough that she classified it as "traumatic." She wants me, if I choose to see her more next year, to just hold off on any dating stuff for the time being (unless it just happens, in which case enjoy it), so that we can work on dealing with the trauma, and hopefully I can fully put it behind me.
I never really thought of it as trauma before, but the memories do hang around especially when I'm feeling down about something, particularly if its related to girls. I suppose I need to get through this too.
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Post by geekguy on Dec 19, 2011 0:43:41 GMT -5
Got a new webcam, so that's cool, any videos I do will be in much higher quality now hopefully.
Being very unproductive now that my schooling is over (at least for this year). I should be jobhunting or investigating courses for next year but right now I'm just being extremely lazy. I feel bad but not at the same time...
I am under her spell, my mind is in a sort of agonized state whenever I see her. I want to just rush over and hug her and tell her how much she means to me, how much I want to be closer to her, but I fear that in doing so, I will lose her forever. I also fear not acting soon enough and losing my chance that way. I've been told to see if I can figure out if she sort of likes me or not but no matter how much I see her and talk to her I simply can't figure it out. I'm so horrible at reading people, I have no understanding of body language or small social cues and I f****** hate myself for it.
I wish highschool hadn't f***** me up so much when it comes to girls. I think I'd be so much better equipped to deal with this now than if any of that stuff happened to me. I'm not AS bad as I used to be, but it has definitely stunted my progress by far too much.
As I remember someone saying recently "It is those who show the most kindness that get hurt the most," and I find myself agreeing with this. I was not mean to anyone in any of my schooling days, yet people did not hesitate to f*** me over.
With my confidence brought so low so many times, it's a wonder I've gotten to the stage I'm at where I am comfortable interacting with people. I'd almost say I'm lucky in that regard. Be thankful for the little things they say. Whatever.
This is just rambling now. I'm an emotional wreck. I need more sleep
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Post by geekguy on Jan 4, 2012 22:33:23 GMT -5
why oh why did I stay up so late last night... I think I've only actually gotten like 2 hours sleep... Oh well, I will do what I do when I have to work so many hours in one day (5 at the library, followed by 6 at the bar, finishing at midnight). I will think of soldiering on and putting one foot in front of the other. I mean hey, I worked my last 10 hour shift while I was suffering some flu-like symptoms and I managed to do ok (if having to blow my nose a bunch). I know why I stayed up last night though: because I was too engrossed by this katawashoujo.blogspot.com/ . When I find myself engrossed by something, it's hard to say to myself "ok its getting late, I can read this tomorrow" lol
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Post by geekguy on Jan 12, 2012 0:40:21 GMT -5
I feel like I'm going through something of an existential crisis right now.
I posted this a few days ago on my facebook : "Its funny how deep self assessing thought trains occur at times like these as I stand here with 30 minutes til the bus comes, hands in my pockets, movers & shakers (Incontext MIX) blasting my ears. I'm all too aware of my insignificance in the world, just one of billions, floating through the sea of existence with not a clue where I'm heading. I feel a bit hollow thinking about what I will do over the years as all I do now is make money, and while money is good for choices, I feel as though maybe I would feel more complete if I had a meaningful goal to work towards, maybe helping people somehow, but I don't know how I would. Overall, I feel a bit lost amongst all these thoughts, and even typing them out I can't seem to get my thoughts physically represented to the point I am satisfied. But I will post this anyway, as it has helped to pass the time until my bus arrives and may hold some usefulness to look at later on."
I got a few responses ranging from "you are not insignificant to those whose lives you're involved in" to "just have fun mate" and that did tide me over at the time. But now I'm back to feeling how I've felt for the last week, maybe 2 weeks even.
Hollow.
Listless.
Lethargic.
Like I'm sinking, and can't find the strength to claw my way back up for air.
The feeling is that which I had around 7 months ago, back before my family moved into the new house. I had been unemployed for a while, parents were onto me about doing some education or getting a job or something, and I hadn't found the psychologist yet. Then we moved house, and I got the casual library job, and that felt good. Then the shifts dried up and I was left with way too much spare time and again, lack of energy, motivation etc.
In one psychologist session, she basically said to me "these sessions are great and all, but you need to make some effort too, or all this will not have much point to it." Seeing that she had a point, I enrolled for accounting studies and got a second job, the one I still have now. This kept me busy and I didn't really have any of these lethargic feelings again for a long time.
Now though, my schooling is over, has been over for almost 2 months, and I'm back to this feeling again. I haven't been able to make any use of my bookkeeping qualification yet (not that I've even made a real effort to do so) and the enrolment deadlines are coming up for this year. I can't seem to get enthused about anything... just like last time. This whole situation is oh so familiar it annoys me.
I keep finding myself wondering why anything really matters, just what should I be working towards and how do I make sense of it all? I feel lost overall. I want to find something that is meaningful, something that reminds me each day that I am alive and that that is a good thing. I can immediately cross religion off my list because I am simply unable to believe in that type of thing (trying really hard not to take the piss out of religion as I type this lol), but what else is there? I know that people dedicate themselves to other individuals, and as people get older, some dedicate themselves to raising a family, but I'm only 20 years old. I'm not skilled artistically, and I have never been the athletic type.
Since getting back from my Melbourne holiday, the weeks have had a very steady routine to them:
Get up, go to work, get home, mess about on the computer, sleep
Or if I don't have work, I typically just spend a lot of time on the computer and then sleep.
Words of the psychologist ring into my head about how I was stuck in a rut earlier and have since broken out of it. Maybe I am now back to being stuck in another rut, albeit, it's a rut in a bit of a better position than the last one.
I still have 2 jobs, so I still have income, so it isn't all bad. I haven't been able to catch up with friends in a while though and I hate that the bar job takes away my weekends from me. Every saturday has been a shift that goes from around 11am until 9-10pm. The pay is good but the hours suck.
My post has gone off track now, I'm just rambling about stuff that's annoying and trying to get what's in my head onto the screen. This australian summer heat isn't making things any easier.
What do I DO?
I honestly have loads of choice for what I could do:
- I could take further studies from last years course
- I could study something completely different
- I could try and find a full time bookkeeping job
- I could just stay as I am now
- I could take up lessons in instruments, art, other things
- I could write a book
- I could simply read a lot
So much choice, that it's often all too easy to do nothing. I hate that about having lots of choice, but I can't tell my stepdad about that. Last time I did that I got the lecture about how his family forced him into the fields of study he did (which sucks for him, but my circumstances are different).
My mind and body can't make up their mind lately between being laidback or stressed out. I've always thought of myself as quite laidback but I can't tell anymore.
If I talk to the parents about all this, they'll want to push me down the study path, my friends say to either chill out or just try different hobbies, and my brother will talk to me about moving out of home. I want to be the one to make the choices though in the end, as hard as it might be.
How the hell did I derail my own post...
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Post by missklew on Jan 12, 2012 3:25:45 GMT -5
I can understand feeling that way if you were 50 but dude you are only 20 years old!
I think it would be good to move out on your own. Then things will happen!
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Post by lostmyself on Jan 13, 2012 17:08:39 GMT -5
Maybe it would be a good idea to take some time out and learn an instrument or write or something and take the time to work out what it is you really want to do without letting anyone pressure you.
I agree though, don't let anyone influence you on which path to take, only you can decide in the end.
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Post by geekguy on Jan 22, 2012 14:09:03 GMT -5
I'm still feeling as scatterbrained as before, only now I have some added pressure on the situation:
If I want to do any studying this year, as far as university goes, I only have until the end of the month to get my applications in to the universities. So basically it's crunch time for making a decision if I want to be able to get into uni anyway. My problem is that I'm still so indecisive, really unsure about what direction I should take.
I'm pretty sure I meet the requirements to actually attend university, but of course I will have to pay for it somehow, be it with a HECS/HELP loan or however else, I looked at the cost of doing a Bachelor of commerce at one uni and it was about $9000 per year. That's insane! Given that I'm not sure if I actually WANT to take the course, it's no wonder I'm hesitant!
But if I don't take the opportunity to go to university now (which people who I talk to seem to think I should do), just what will I do? I somehow don't think that working these casual jobs like I am now is going to be sustainable forever (especially given that I don't want to live with the parents forever).
I wonder if just doing another TAFE course will be worthwhile. Or perhaps I could apply for a full time job (when they actually pop up, it's hard to even get your foot in the door most of the time).
Ugh, I hate having to make these kinds of decisions.
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Post by geekguy on Feb 2, 2012 11:37:11 GMT -5
Damn, I'm just so tired all the time lately. I know I'm getting a bit less sleep than I should be but I didn't think it would make me THIS tired. It probably has more to do with small stresses and pressures I put on myself to do with just about anything. Doesn't help when the parents bug me about getting my driver's license and things like that.
I've really secluded myself lately, though not entirely by choice. The weather is definitely really uncomfortable for even casual social things right now, soo humid and hot. But when I could go outside and do something, even as simple as just going to the shops for a while, or getting some food, or a visit to the city, I dawdle and end up staying home on the computer for the whole bloody day. I feel like I'm turning into a hermit. It's a good thing I still have to go outside the house to go to work!
Everyone's always doing something too these days, keeping them busy so I can't really catch up with anyone apart from the couple of people I talk to daily online. I haven't been able to hang out with the people I've met through the library in ages as well which sucks. At least I'm not really spending money this way, it's just slowly building up in my bank accounts. I could probably buy a cheap car without touching my savings at the moment (it wouldn't be a great car, but it would get me from A to B :3).
Also I've decided against doing more study at least for now, and am simply applying for full time work at a couple of places (the library where I currently casually work included), so hopefully I get in somewhere so I can start earning some real money and working towards some stuff like moving out, new computer, eventually a cheap car, and then whatever else (I guess holidays?).
Not looking forward to the next couple of weeks either.... ugh... it's coming up to THAT day again... time to get some strong sedatives and put myself into a coma for the day...
Oh and over the past fortnight, I've put in a total of 112.3 hours of Dota 2 gameplay, with a total of 224 hours for the approximate month that I've had my beta key. Way more time than I spend at both my jobs per week combined multiplied by 2 lololol!...
...
...I need to get out more T_T
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Post by geekguy on Mar 24, 2012 8:01:10 GMT -5
I'm at a 21st birthday party right now... and I feel so uncomfortable ...
Granted its a costume party and I had no costume (nor did a few other people) but even if I had a costume I don't feel it would help me.
I only know a few people here and they're busy socialising. I'm just sort of leaning against a wall sipping my drink.
I wish I didn't feel so awkward
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Post by geekguy on Mar 24, 2012 11:07:43 GMT -5
Still at this party, still bored and still feeling awkward... oh so awkward... and then I see people who are total strangers just casually moving around talking to each other as though its nothing, yet I haven't actually introduced myself to anyone. I know what my psychologist would say, that I need to just try and push through, that it'll get easier as I go, but with the way things have gone previously,I'm inclined to disagree...
I'm pretty much just being ignored in the corner now, its probably better this way, I just have to wait until my friend wants to go home.
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Post by Karen on Mar 24, 2012 12:37:53 GMT -5
Aww. Hang in there GG hopefully you'll get to go home soon.
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Post by Stranger on Mar 25, 2012 15:58:45 GMT -5
Still at this party, still bored and still feeling awkward... oh so awkward... and then I see people who are total strangers just casually moving around talking to each other as though its nothing, yet I haven't actually introduced myself to anyone. I know what my psychologist would say, that I need to just try and push through, that it'll get easier as I go, but with the way things have gone previously,I'm inclined to disagree... I'm pretty much just being ignored in the corner now, its probably better this way, I just have to wait until my friend wants to go home. How did people ever handle these situations before smartphones? ;D
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Post by geekguy on Apr 18, 2012 12:31:05 GMT -5
Sigh, one of my close friends just got into a new relationship. I can't even be happy for him... instead I feel jealous and lonely, reminded again of how I'm still not able to get anywhere with girls. I feel like a horrible person that I can't even be happy for my friends success:(
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