|
|
Post by dumpling on Nov 24, 2011 1:20:24 GMT -5
I don't know what it is about me that makes people want to ignore me. Sometimes I feel like people don't even acknowledge my presence.
My university is known for having somewhat of anti-social study body. Well...a lot of people have mostly friends outside of school so they don't really seek friendships with classmates and such. Everyone is antisocial but whenever there's a situations where we need to break off into groups or pairs in class, I seem to always end up being the person without a group or partner, whereas other people just naturally break off into groups with a random person. if a the instructor says in two pairs, some people would rather get into a group of three even though the know the instructor said pairs seemingly to avoid being in a pair with me. By the way, I am shy not anti-social.
I don't have any friends but when I had roommates I would try to be engaging and socialize with them but a lot of times they would completely ignore anything I say.
I used to think it was just because I have a soft voice so they most likely couldn't make out what I said too well, but their ears seem to detect things more quieter than my voice.
Even within my family I'm so used to being ignored and talked over that I don't even attempt to communicate. Sometimes people even ask me a question, then ignore me when I'm answering. Just today I accompanied my two cousins shopping and if I started out talking about something with one cousin and the other one cut over me with her own topic my cousin would promptly stop our conversation to talk about what my other cousin wants to talk about.
Am I on the bottom of the social hierarchy or something? Is this just a reflection of my lack of social assertiveness? Or is it just that people really don't respect me all that much? Or is it not a big deal and probably all in my head? Does anyone have a similar problem?
|
|
|
|
Post by geekguy on Nov 24, 2011 5:31:33 GMT -5
Hmm, could be any number of things really. I'll just throw out some brain splurge and see if anything clicks with you. When you speak what's your voice range like? Do you speak in a monotone voice, mumble, anything like that? People can find it hard to stay engaged in what someone might be saying if they don't sound at least a little enthused in their voice (think about the way people talk when they're excited, most people have a little bit of this behind their words all the time, if you get what I mean). When you talk to people, are you nervous or anxious to make them like you? Usually it's best to be casual, if you're not already. Your goal should be not to try and get someone to like you or to force a friendship, but to find out what the person is like. Ask questions, pursue topics that you are interested in, all that jazz. People like to talk about themselves, and to hear their name :3 Do you take care of your appearance? Wear good clothes, use deodorant, etc (and by good clothes I don't mean EXPENSIVE clothes, just stuff that goes well together, I kind of like fashion  ). Just a few things to consider I guess, idk. (sorry if anything sounds condescending or obvious or whatever) |
|
|
|
Post by Rose on Nov 24, 2011 10:09:54 GMT -5
The same thing happens to me. The only difference is, I kind of like being ignored.  Less pressure to say things. I am a bit anti-social sometimes...though I don't necessarily want to be, it just evolved that way after I got sick of people. ;D I am sorry you feel ignored.  My first suggestion is to realize it's very likely not personal, don't beat yourself up for not being a certain way. My guess of why people are clique-ish like that and only stay with their friends is because I suspect they are shy too, and don't really know what to say to a new person, and hanging out with people they already know is just more comfortable than meeting a new person. It's like their comfort blanket. Maybe they don't realize you would like to get to know them.  Even some people who appear really talkative and outgoing can be shy in a way, I've seen examples of this lots of times. Shyness is not limited to the quiet. Interrupting is rude though, I'm sorry you get interrupted when people ask you questions. I'm thinking it has to do with body language, and social assertiveness like you mentioned. In a group, people are drawn to the most confident-sounding people first, and the quieter people will always get drowned out. Have you considered one-on-one interaction with people? That kind appeals most to me, because there isn't some third person there to "compete" with and they can tone down their hyperness and actually make an effort to listen to you. I have a soft voice and can easily be drowned out in a group of voices, so I know what it's like. |
|
|
|
Post by Scotty on Nov 24, 2011 12:28:11 GMT -5
I used to get ignored all the time when I was in my teens, have the time I gave up trying to contribute to the conversations. It occasionally still happens, but since I don't hang around with many people it isn't a big deal.
|
|
|
|
Post by anticrank on Nov 25, 2011 19:12:01 GMT -5
I know what it feels like to be amongst a group of people and be completely ignored like that, it's very awkward and uncomfortable. I think almost anyone in that situation would feel pretty uncomfortable and unable to be themselves. I get the impression that what you're experiencing is just plain rudeness and cliqueyness. Ignoring you like that when you're trying to be social is just bad social skills, it's unacceptable.
Don't take it to heart and don't take responsibility for their behaviour. Don't listen to people who say you're voice is too quiet or you sound boring, since focusing on this will only make you feel self-conscious and demoralized. Even so, being quiet or having difficulty speaking up is no justification for behaving like that. From my experience, focusing on how I come across makes the situation far worse.
I think that it's best to try and reassure yourself that you're doing the best you can, and it's not entirely your fault. I get the impression that you're definitely doing the right thing. Besides, if people want to write you off without at least getting to know you halfway, are they really worth it? It seems by the way you're getting treated in class, you're with, well, how do I put it politely? A bunch of immature little wankers. I've been in that situation before.
About your family. I suppose this happens to many people I guess. Have you told them how you feel about being talked over and how you feel invisible? I guess many people unintentionally talk over quiet people without even realising it makes them feel, it's so easy in that situation to take it personally, especially if people have given you stick about your being quiet.
About the most confident members in the group getting the most attention; I think there are two sides to this coin. Yes, those extraverted, animated people may get the attention but, some people find them less approachable. To some people a quiet person may come across as less threatening and more approachable. Also, some find highly talkative types rather annoying and demanding.
I shouldn't see lack of assertiveness as a disadvantage. It's not anti-social, and it's certainly no grounds to ostracize someone.
|
|
|
|
Post by dumpling on Nov 26, 2011 19:22:19 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for replying to my thread^^
|
|
|
|
Post by geekguy on Nov 26, 2011 22:23:28 GMT -5
Well after seeing your photos in the "post your picture" thread, I can definitely say your physical appearance is not an issue  I'd say just keep having a go a t it when you feel like it. It sounds like you're probably just pretty unlucky with the people that are around you. Don't worry about your clothes either if they're not horribly beaten up or anything, as long as its clean it's all good. |
|
|
|
Post by dumpling on Nov 27, 2011 19:56:22 GMT -5
Well after seeing your photos in the "post your picture" thread, I can definitely say your physical appearance is not an issue I'd say just keep having a go a t it when you feel like it. It sounds like you're probably just pretty unlucky with the people that are around you. Don't worry about your clothes either if they're not horribly beaten up or anything, as long as its clean it's all good. No, I've been told I look frumpy and have no style so I think you're right about that XD I wish I weren't so unlucky. It's like no matter where I go I never fit in. I don't even fit in amongst my own family |
|
|
|
Post by Karen on Nov 29, 2011 11:12:21 GMT -5
From what I've read of your replies, it seems like your family may be a bit too hard on you about being quiet or shy. Maybe that has made you more quiet and self conscious then you would other wise be. Its really hard when you feel like you don't fit in even amongst your own family. I agreed with a lot of what Anticrank had to say. Try not to worry to much about how people are reacting to you. (I know, way easier said then done!  ) From all your posts, you seem like a really nice, upbeat person. Maybe that part of you has a hard time coming through when you're out socially because of your shyness. |
|
|
|
Post by Tal on Nov 29, 2011 15:40:40 GMT -5
It depends a bit on the people you hang about with too. Some people are just better listeners and more grown up than others. Some just like doing all the talking. As quieter less confident people we've probably all suffered from being ignored like that, especially in groups, but I've also found some people (sometimes people you least except) can be very considerate of quieter people and what they have to say.
In the end though I guess people just pick up on whether your confident or loud, whether your dominant in a group or not, and treat you accordingly. Pick the groups you fit into best, if you can find them.
|
|
).
Less pressure to say things. I am a bit anti-social sometimes...though I don't necessarily want to be, it just evolved that way after I got sick of people. ;D
My first suggestion is to realize it's very likely not personal, don't beat yourself up for not being a certain way.
Even some people who appear really talkative and outgoing can be shy in a way, I've seen examples of this lots of times. Shyness is not limited to the quiet. 
Befriend the trees...they are good listeners. ;D
)