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Post by disturbed on Oct 13, 2012 13:16:02 GMT -5
I am on this course for alcoholics/addicts in recovery to prevent relapse, help boost confidence and self esteem, go into reasons why we drank or used and to help you cope if you've had a tough life.
Everyone on this course is a lot more confident than me, i explained i have social anxiety, i find it realy hard to open up and talk in a group of about 15.
We do this task were we have to tell each other whats positive and negative about each other.
For the negative comments everybody told me im selfish, they told me - we try helping you and you throw it back in our faces by not talking much and not getting involved, your not putting any effort in,
and they were all looking at me like they were realy disscussted and dissapointed and ashamed of me, years ago things like this made me worse and made me feel like there was no hope,
i was thinking about dropping out of the course because of this, until we got onto the positive comments,
they dont mean too much offence, they are trying to help and you are suppose to be harsh with people there.
For the positive comments they said i have courage for coming on the course in the first place and staying there.
I think that negative comments nowadays can bring me out of myself more even though when this was said in the group it realy upset me, it made me talk a bit more though, and they were saying thats what we want to see, after we said that earlier you've started to come out more, good on you, you need to keep that up.
So just wondering what doe's anyone else think about this?
Do you think negative comments can make you stronger instead of putting you down?
Has anyone had similar experience?
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Post by Samantha on Oct 13, 2012 13:49:33 GMT -5
If done right it can be very helpful but it's dependant on a whole lot of things, like who's saying it, is it meant to help or is it just an insult etc. From what you say, you had a good environment for it but being exposed in that big a group would still freak me out big time!
Have you been back since that happened? Are you still more talkative etc?
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Post by marle on Oct 13, 2012 14:08:15 GMT -5
I agree it depends on the context. Those words came from people trying to be constructive and you don't seem to feel overly defensive about it. So it could help in your case. Like you said, it sounds like they were encouraged to be judgemental in the negative comments portion. It may help you deal with the negativity that's out there in the "real world" if you address it in a more trusting environment first.
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Post by disturbed on Oct 13, 2012 18:51:24 GMT -5
If done right it can be very helpful but it's dependant on a whole lot of things, like who's saying it, is it meant to help or is it just an insult etc. From what you say, you had a good environment for it but being exposed in that big a group would still freak me out big time! Have you been back since that happened? Are you still more talkative etc? The big group realy does freak me out, my heart beats too fast most of the time while i'm there, we sit in a circle aswell which makes it worse, a lot of the time i cant help but stare at the floor, and when i do talk i find it hard to keep eye contact, they keep trying to get me out of this but i've been like this my whole life, its not something i can just snap out of. I haven't been back since what i wrote above happened but im back on monday, so i hope i'll be more talkative. In rehab i had a mate who sometimes had a bit of a dig at me, telling me i wasn't trying hard enough, he'd say things like - you need to talk at the meetings theres new people coming in, you've been here a lot longer than them and you haven't said a word, your suppose to set a good example. He knew about my anxiety, he wasn't trying to insult me, and when he said things like that it did make me talk a bit more, and that made everyone happier including me, so yeah if done right it can help. |
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Post by Stranger on Oct 15, 2012 1:58:42 GMT -5
So just wondering what doe's anyone else think about this? Do you think negative comments can make you stronger instead of putting you down? I definitely think it can. And while it certainly does make a difference how the feedback is presented to you, how you perceive it -- which is under your control -- also makes all the difference. Shy people have a tendency to take personal criticism rather heavily, and I find taking this into consideration can help me see these things more objectively/constructively. I've definitely had things said to me which at the time felt painful to hear, but in the long run am glad to have heard, even if it wasn't the nicest way to hear it. I'd like to know what my faults are, so I have a chance to correct them, rather than remain blind to them. I guess what I'm saying is if you want to get the most out of the program, try to see any "negative" feedback as exactly what it is: a statement of opinion, like a survey response you can make a calculated reaction to; not a personal attack, which is probably the more instinctual and natural thing to do. |
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Post by disturbed on Oct 16, 2012 7:21:44 GMT -5
So just wondering what doe's anyone else think about this? Do you think negative comments can make you stronger instead of putting you down? I definitely think it can. And while it certainly does make a difference how the feedback is presented to you, how you perceive it -- which is under your control -- also makes all the difference. Shy people have a tendency to take personal criticism rather heavily, and I find taking this into consideration can help me see these things more objectively/constructively. I've definitely had things said to me which at the time felt painful to hear, but in the long run am glad to have heard, even if it wasn't the nicest way to hear it. I'd like to know what my faults are, so I have a chance to correct them, rather than remain blind to them. I guess what I'm saying is if you want to get the most out of the program, try to see any "negative" feedback as exactly what it is: a statement of opinion, like a survey response you can make a calculated reaction to; not a personal attack, which is probably the more instinctual and natural thing to do. Yeah even if it isnt put in the nicest way, i still think it can help to here it, although saying that, last night at college i was talking with our teacher, i tend to look people in the eye for a few seconds then i look away, and it reminded me of that other course im on where they told me i need to keep eye contact or people can think your ignorant or your not interested in what there talking about or that you dont like them, so i worried a bit when i was talking to him hoping that he doesnt think that, but luckily when people get to know me they realise thats not the case, i was thinking the negative things people have said about not keeping eye contact may help me to do it, i think it may of done a tiny bit, but i still find it extremly hard exept from with people im realy close to - close friends and relatives. |
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Post by Rose on Oct 16, 2012 22:25:21 GMT -5
Positive comments work much better for me. Always have.
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Post by disturbed on Nov 25, 2012 14:37:24 GMT -5
I have been kicked off this course now, first i got suspended for two weeks because i walked out of the group, i was always anxious in the group thats a problem for starters, i struggled to do some of the work and i kept reading the wrong thing out which i was embarrased about, and then a few of them were calling me selfish again which upset me and pissed me off, i had had enough and walked out, for that i got suspended. I was back on the course recently and my homework was to do my life story, once its done you have to read it out to the group, i thought i might be able to do it untill i got to certain bits, then i thought naa, theres no way i can read this out, my personal life to a group of people id only know about 6 six weeks, but i thought i'd finish it so the guy running the course could read it. When it came to the time i had to read it out, everyone was trying to persuade me to read it but i couldn't, they said stop saying you cant you always say that but you can, i said no not on this one i seriously just cant im sorry, i was told i'd have to leave if i didn't read it, so i left, the counceller told me it hurt him having to kick me off because he realy didn't want to and said he will look into alternative treatment for me. I have started one to one councelling which i think will be a lot easier, it has been in the past. Well at least i gave the course a go but i think i threw myself in at the deep end realy, i think its best to set smaller goals first.
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Post by Crashtastic on Nov 25, 2012 17:41:41 GMT -5
Positive comments work much better for me. Always have. I agree, with Rose. For me personally, even if I can take a step back and see where I've gone wrong, you have to first go through all of the emotions of being pissed and angry. I just feel that it is far more effective if comments are just constructive. Calling someone selfish isn't constructive. They definitely could have phrased it better, if they were expecting to get their message across. I mean these people aren't professionals...they're alcoholics too, but how did the person directing the group respond? Is it lead by a professional? While writing this response, I got a phone call from my mother and I was telling her about how I'm sick and feel pooey...she responded with "Stop winning!" ugh...how the hell is someone going to listen to you when you say shit like that! I told her please don't condescend me as if I were a 12 year old and that it made me really mad...I can't and wont listen to what she has to say when she talks to me that way. I mean I really wasn't being very whinny either. Just explaining to her why I didn't want to go out today. I'm pretty friggen sick and I worked while being really sick  I know her and why she says it...because she doesn't want me to feel sorry for myself and blah blah, but I wasn't and it's not necessary to speak to me that way...so shove it! lol It is probably best to go with one on one therapy, though. I think it would be far more beneficial to you. I hope it works out better!  |
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Post by disturbed on Nov 27, 2012 11:55:01 GMT -5
Thanks chrashtastic, the guy that runs the course is a recovering alcoholic/addict and is now a professional, so to have the job he's got im asuming he's been clean at least a couple of years, and he said it exactly the same way as the others did that im selfish, other words they used to describe me were, distant, avoident, and secretive, i accepted them all exept from selfish, im not feeling sorry for myself but that is realy nasty to call me that, and yeah it isn't constructive, i've been anxious and socialy phobic my whole life, so 6 weeks on a course isn't going to make me just snap out of an illness i was born with,
and what you said about your mum saying stop whinning, i can relate to that, in the past ive told my mum things that have been a serious problem for me, and shes replied in a way which she thinks its something to not be upset about, and she'd basically tell me to just get over it, which use to realy pissed me off.
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Post by robini123 on Nov 27, 2012 16:25:53 GMT -5
There is a difference in constructive criticism and destructive criticism. If you are in recovery then you have to look at the worst parts of yourself, identify them, and work to overcome them... our negatives are the reason we drank, so looking at and overcoming our negatives is a must in recovery. Just focusing on the positive and blowing sunshine up each others dairy aire is a band-aid... a temporary solution to a long term problem. Change can be painful, and focusing on our negatives, to identify and overcome them is not a pleasant experience... bit it is a necessary experience.
Destructive criticism is callously tearing someone down for no good reason. This I am resolutely against.
To recover from addiction, you have to take a wreaking ball to your old life, only then can a firm foundation for a better life be built on.
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Post by ura on Nov 27, 2012 16:44:35 GMT -5
There is a difference in constructive criticism and destructive criticism. If you are in recovery then you have to look at the worst parts of yourself, identify them, and work to overcome them... our negatives are the reason we drank, so looking at and overcoming our negatives is a must in recovery. Just focusing on the positive and blowing sunshine up each others dairy aire is a band-aid... a temporary solution to a long term problem. Change can be painful, and focusing on our negatives, to identify and overcome them is not a pleasant experience... bit it is a necessary experience. Destructive criticism is callously tearing someone down for no good reason. This I am resolutely against. To recover from addiction, you have to take a wreaking ball to your old life, only then can a firm foundation for a better life be built on. I have to strongly agree with you, sometimes an uncomfortable truth now is better than a comforting lie and although I can relate to OP in that I hate criticism sometimes constructive criticism such as from a friend can help somebody, but it really depends on the circumstance, far too often like you said people could criticise just to be assholes. |
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Befriend the trees...they are good listeners. ;D
I know her and why she says it...because she doesn't want me to feel sorry for myself and blah blah, but I wasn't and it's not necessary to speak to me that way...so shove it! lol
