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Post by disturbed on Nov 27, 2012 13:09:33 GMT -5
I couldn't get to sleep last night for ages, i went to bed at about half one in the morning which is normal for me but i didn't get to sleep till about 5, i was in a wierd sort of mood with negative thoughts on my mind. For a while now and the last 10 months in sobriety especially ive been more than happy most of the time, i still have problems like anxiety, which stops me doing certain things that your average person does like theres nout to it, but since ive now accepted that i am the way i am it doesn't upset me as bad as it use to, so i can not forget about it but accept it and still be happy, but every now and then it all hits me at once.
It was my 25th birthday recentley, and since i was about 15 each birthday i think, ohh no another year older and im still not normal and living like everyone else. Last night in bed all of a sudden it all just hit me and i started thinking, im 25, im a fully grown man, what the fuck, im cuddling a fucking teddy bear and pretending its a woman, i told everyone this before in that group on that course i was on, all the girls thought it was sweet, last night i thought actualy at my age is that not a sign of lonliness and going fucking mad, i actually wouldn't want a girlfriend right now, as much as i crave one i still need to carry on sorting myself out first, when we've come out of addiction were advised to not get into a relationship for at least 2 years, nobody i know goes by that and says fuck that 2 year without a bird i couldn't do that. I haven't had a fucking girlfriend for 11 years, and even then it wasn't confortable because of me bieng so shy with her, and it only lasted 2 month and she fucked me off because of my exreme shyness.
Ive also never had sex with a girl, overall im not that sexually frustrated, but i think it is very odd that i haven't done it at this age, where im from its definatly odd compared to most other people. I here people talking about how many people theyve got it on with in the last few months, one of my mates recently had 5 girls on the go, and my other mate had 5 boyfriends on the go. I get jealous when i here girls talking about there sexual expierences, painfully jealous, for years people have been telling me i'll find someone, what the fuck, im thinking how long will i be waiting or what if i never find and expierence love, what if i die a lonely old man.
Another thing that realy shits me up is, i live in a supported housing at the moment with staff here during the day and theres about 15 other residents, i feel resonably safe which is great, but i get out in about 2 months and get my own flat, i worry about who i might live near, i get jealous of couples like when ive heard them on a night...i think youl no what i mean by that, im embarrassed that i feel that way but i cant help it, and hearing them gives me extremly servier anxiety attacks, it also added to the reason i became epileptic because it upset me, scared me, made me stressed/angry, couldn't sleep, mentally tortured me and scarred my mind and once caused me to relapse, i mentioned my relapse on here about 6 years ago but i didn't say the reason for it because im embarrassed, to some this may sound stupid and extreme but i cant controll what makes me feel this way, what if i live around people like that again and what if it causes me to relapse again, i seriously pray it doesn't go down like that
PLEASE SOMEONE REPLY TO THIS EVEN IF ITS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT IVE PUT PLEASE SAY HI OR SOMETHING, PLEASE...THANK YOU
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Post by Grayback on Nov 27, 2012 14:47:53 GMT -5
I turned 25 myself not that long ago and I've never had a girlfriend in my life not to mention that I'm also still a virgin. So you're not alone disturbed and though that's not necessarily comforting, I hope it does make you feel just a little bit better. I can't offer you any great advice unfortunately as my own life is pretty fucked up and really far from what people would call normal but if you ever want to discuss about anything just send me a pm, I'm a pretty good listener even though I'm not good at much else .
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Post by Sexy Spork #37 on Nov 27, 2012 15:21:00 GMT -5
I'm 22 and I'm a virgin, too. I've never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, never kissed a girl, never held a girls hand, never asked anyone out...
I've been asked out. Said no.
But remember, people always have it worse than you in life.
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Post by robini123 on Nov 27, 2012 16:07:59 GMT -5
OP,
You are not alone buddy! And there is hope!
First off, congrats on 10 months of sobriety! I quit drinking and drugging in the 80's. When I sobered up and started to examine the reasons I drank so much I saw that my shyness was the culprit. If I drank enough I would fit in with the boys... perhaps I was just drunk and delusional, but it did not matter because I felt like I fit in while I was drunk or high. I still could not talk to a girl, but at least I could be in the same room with one without making a complete fool of myself... but again I was drunk and could have been delusional. Once I quit abusing drugs and alcohol and started focusing on bettering myself, my life got WAY better... but it still took years for me to get to a point where I was in a relationship.
I agree with the no new relationship rule. For a decade I helped addicts and alcoholics recover from their addiction and in that time I have seen countless people relapse over a new relationship. How can one hope to have a functional relationship until they work on their own flaws, better themselves. Heck when I was 10 months sober I did not know my head from a hole in the ground... it took a couple years for the fog to clear before I could see clearly.
Hopefully you have a good support group, if so, LISTEN to the directions from those who are sober and happy... ask them how they did it... then FOLLOW their directions. For many who successfully get sober it means surrendering control to another trusted person for a while until the fog clears enough so we can make good decisions on our own... like I said, in my case this took a couple years... but I am a stubborn blockhead.
As for sex and a girlfriend... it is worth waiting until you are ready psychologically and the time is right. I lost my virginity at 21. I was then celibate (not by choice) until I met my first wife at 27. I married her for all the wrong reasons (she hit on me and I was desperate for love and affection)... the marrage ended 16 years later and in reality it was over 5 years after we got married, but we rode it out for another 11 years.
When I left my first wife I did a lot of self reflection, looking at why my marriage failed, and seeing that the marriage was doomed from the start. So I made a list or what I want in a woman, kind, caring, laid back, honest... etc. Then I joined a dating website, made an honest profile where I did not cast a wide net, but a focused net, and it took 2 years, but I met and fell in love with the most wounder woman on the planet.
As for sex... like I said, don't worry about it. Why you may ask? Because I am 47 and enjoying the best sex of my life. Sorry to gross you out, but I think it is important to point out that sex has no shelf life.
At 47 am I shy man... yes, but to a small degree. When I was 25 if a woman looked my way I would get red in the face and lose the ability to speak in any understandable language.
You know what I have learned in my 47 years? Life is a trip so try to enjoy the ride, and what you see, think, and feel now will be different from what you see, think, and feel in 10, 20, 0r 30 years from now. Heck, for all you know, when you are my age you may be rocking some lucky woman's world several times a week and enjoying a loving and amazing life with the girl of your dreams.
Don't quit before the miracle happens... although I do admit that waiting years for the miracle to happen sucks... but in my case it was well worth the wait.
Good luck my friend... and remember, there IS hope!!!
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Post by jamesswfc on Jan 19, 2013 14:57:54 GMT -5
If I drank enough I would fit in with the boysquote] That's me to a T!
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jan 24, 2013 23:14:54 GMT -5
It was my 25th birthday recentley, and since i was about 15 each birthday i think, ohh no another year older and im still not normal and living like everyone else. . . . . . . for years people have been telling me i'll find someone, what the fuck, im thinking how long will i be waiting or what if i never find and expierence love, what if i die a lonely old man. well, I'm pretty much in a similar non-lovey, potentially sinking boat. And yet another fucking v-day approaching to rub it all in. I cry pretty much every day and night! Yaaaaaaaaay! And if it makes you feel any better....I wake up every morning with the automatic response of, "Oh, fuck." Which is linked to my immediate remembrance of who I am, the fact that I woke up as the same person that I hate most of everyone, and where I'm at in life/what I lack. I usually sleep at least 2 hours past my alarm. That's unemployment for you. but yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay (*btw...can someone tell me..."cracking up" - that term must be used differently elsewhere. I've always associated it with hysterical joy/laughter.)
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Post by Crashtastic on Jan 25, 2013 14:36:34 GMT -5
It was my 25th birthday recentley, and since i was about 15 each birthday i think, ohh no another year older and im still not normal and living like everyone else. . . . . . . for years people have been telling me i'll find someone, what the fuck, im thinking how long will i be waiting or what if i never find and expierence love, what if i die a lonely old man. well, I'm pretty much in a similar non-lovey, potentially sinking boat. And yet another fucking v-day approaching to rub it all in. I cry pretty much every day and night! Yaaaaaaaaay! And if it makes you feel any better....I wake up every morning with the automatic response of, "Oh, fuck." Which is linked to my immediate remembrance of who I am, the fact that I woke up as the same person that I hate most of everyone, and where I'm at in life/what I lack. I usually sleep at least 2 hours past my alarm. That's unemployment for you. but yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay (*btw...can someone tell me..."cracking up" - that term must be used differently elsewhere. I've always associated it with hysterical joy/laughter.) Seriously, I think its better to be single. Whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all...is full of shit. Heartbreak is one of the worst kinds of hurt. I have no idea how I feel I'm so scrambled. Best way to avoid this shit is to stay single. Make sure you guard your heart like nobodies business. Whoever gets it make damn sure they deserve every bit of it. At least don't be dumb over and over again like me. I'm not just giving it away ever again. I've had enough. I hate em! People! uuuuuggghhh.
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Post by CharlotteGirl on Jan 26, 2013 14:25:12 GMT -5
Well at 33 I've never had sex or a relationship. Not asked anyone out either. Have never been on a date. TBH I find the whole concept of dates rather foreign/American anyway, I believe more that relationships should just start at random through friends, chance meetings etc. Another story. Anyway, even my past kissing experiences are very limited and perhaps not quite as they should have been somehow, though overall I have had enough social even semi-physical contact with the opposite sex over the years. Such as when I was drunk and dancing and suddenly ran my fingers through the hair of a girl from another shy forum at a Christmas meet, which she unfortunately did not really respond to at all. All that is lacking does seem stupid really though considering that I certainly should have had quite enough oppurtunities, at university especially! Everyone else was more or less getting of with each other there. There were too many incidents of failure because of shyness (ironically probably much stronger back then) like that, especially one where I would very much like to find out what happened to the person concerned. Having said all that, as a true unofficial transsexual, NOT really a male at all, I now have extreme doubts about all such relations anyway. Perhaps even despite the fact that with no brothers and sisters, I am kind of the end of the line in family terms because all the others on my dad's side live in Canada. Of course most people probably don't have these issues! Having experienced so many possible missed oppurtunities not perhaps only for sex etc but at least for being friends with females, I do rather disagree with Crashtastic above. Surely to have loved and lost is better and makes life more interesting despite any relationship negatives, because that's the way it is meant to be. So overall I would say if you are lucky enough to at least have a very strong likelihood of experiencing sex and/or a relationship for a while with someone, then you should go for it.
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Post by Crashtastic on Jan 27, 2013 10:27:08 GMT -5
You're right. I was in a mood lol Someone just broke up with me by completely ignoring me. Guys can be real dicks I gotta say. I was very nice to him...I did nothing wrong. I'm probably one of the last people that would deserve something like that. My mom was just yelling at me telling me that I need to stop focusing on relationships and focus on myself first. That I need to stop getting involved with these young immature guys. You have no idea how much I hate to say it, but she's right. Its not people in general...I've been choosing the wrong people. Gotta face the consequences. One thing that is true is that one should be content with themselves before getting involved in a relationship. It will make things a lot easier on you. My biggest fault in all of this is that I accept shitty behavior waaay to readily. ...I'm guessing its the whole poor self esteem thing.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jan 29, 2013 2:16:30 GMT -5
One thing that is true is that one should be content with themselves before getting involved in a relationship. It will make things a lot easier on you. I'm sure it is, but problem is...is that I'm unlikely to ever feel that way about myself. Relationships really are an essential aspect to living a healthy life, finding happiness. Or at least I think so, for many people. A good relationship, anyway. Some people may very well be content on their own, which is so great for them. But at this point in time, I definitely don't feel like I ever could be. And that's an understatement. I suppose I still am extremely naive and idealistic in terms of what I'd like in a relationship---even expecting whatever my first one to be (assuming it can happen), to be true love, and to last a long time, and to never have to worry about being alone again. Well, maybe I've gotten to a point where I don't necessarily expect that for myself anymore, but that's still what I'd prefer. (fucking fairy tales) Even in logically knowing that even the best of relationships have their difficulties and obstacles and take work. I have fantasized about what it might be like to be stuck in a really crappy relationship, though--and yes, certain cases are technically worse than being single. Or say, say I did meet someone...and I go into that relationship, knowing it's not right in some way. Or even if he ends up being abusive or something along the way. I used to think (like as a teen ) it would be way easy to just let go of such a situation. But honestly, I'm not 100% certain how I'd handle it. I'd like to think I wouldn't put up with such shit, but knowing how intense loneliness can feel, it would be hard to leave any relationship, I imagine. Even when you know it's not good for you. To just stick with it because it's convenient or I'm afraid that I won't find anyone else otherwise. I am scared. Of everything in terms of relationships. The whole not knowing. You can know your own feelings at least, but never being able to be 100% certain about how the other feels?...that would bother me. There's the issue of trust. It's just...having reached 25 and never truly experiencing anything has really worn on me. At least for a man, one can place a lot of blame on shyness (not saying it's any easier on them, though). But damn...I don't have much of an excuse, do I? Men are expected to make the first move. I just feel completely undesirable! It's fucking embarrassing to me. To feel the loneliness day in and day out. Every single second of every single day. I'm not even kidding. And seeing other people fall in love? Just waiting for the fucking gods to strike down on me already. Now it's just made me feel really desperate. I could never go a lifetime the way I am now (alone/lonely). Over the past year or so, I've started understanding certain things (if only in my own thoughts) that I never ever wanted to understand. And it terrifies me to think what I might be capable of. So I understand how loneliness and low self-esteem can drive a person to do crazy things. I am very sorry about your bad experiences, Crash, especially the most recent. Believe me, I can understand in my own way. I'm glad you can at least recognize where you might be able to change things, though. That's very good! Just knowing what you need to do. Many people can't even recognize or acknowledge such things. Even though they may have been bad relationships, I've actually admired your ability to put yourself out there. At least you're learning from your own experiences. You're obviously capable of attracting many guys, at least. I really feel like you'll overcome this and find someone someday.
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Post by marle on Jan 29, 2013 22:35:02 GMT -5
One thing that is true is that one should be content with themselves before getting involved in a relationship. It will make things a lot easier on you. I'm sure it is, but problem is...is that I'm unlikely to ever feel that way about myself. ... Men are expected to make the first move. I just feel completely undesirable! It's fucking embarrassing to me. I'm just curious, do you smile when you are around guys you like? From what I know, that really helps approachability. As far as this topic goes, I'm definitely one of those with no experience whatsoever (kissing, etc.). I should probably write a longer post on this sometime, but I'll just say that right now I am not ready to be in a relationship. I know that I have to improve myself before even thinking of such a thing. I don't mean reaching complete contentment, but just reaching some minimum where I can say "I'm okay." I'm 29 now, and I will probably be middle aged before a relationship is a possibility. I'm just kind of muddling through life right now, with a vague sense of trying to improve myself without the sense of urgency I should feel as someone with only a limited time on earth. I feel lonely, but more so generally speaking than romantically. Although there are times where it's hard to tell the difference.
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Post by Crashtastic on Jan 29, 2013 23:08:20 GMT -5
Yeah, that's what my goal is. I want to just be ok with myself. When I am ready to start again, I'm raising my standards. I know what to look for at this point. There is no more denying it. It will probably be a good while before I can finally find the relationship I've been looking for, though. Now that its on my mind I'll mention a couple of things to look for when anyone starts a relationship. Watch out for if they say passive remarks that indicate doubt on a somewhat frequent basis. It's not to be just ignored. I've experienced this in a couple of my past relationships and that doubt never seemed to go away. For example with the last guy, I would say something simple like I missed you and he would say in a joking kind of way that he didn't miss me, I'd get a look on my face and then he would just hug me. I chalked it up to him just joking around even though there was still the "wft?" thought in the back of my head. Little things like that can be a huge red flag. In another one of my relationships, he would say things like if I weren't around blah blah and you can remember me by blah blah. I'm feel like I'm being vague. Maybe I'll try to share some of this stuff later when I'm not pooped lol And smiling does definitely help. Guys are simple that way...no offense guys! lol Smiling helps in general I've found though. I've kinda trained myself to do it and even at work they have said to me you don't talk much but you smile and that is very important. No joke.
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Post by missklew on Jan 30, 2013 3:37:42 GMT -5
Yeah, that's what my goal is. I want to just be ok with myself. When I am ready to start again, I'm raising my standards. I know what to look for at this point. There is no more denying it. It will probably be a good while before I can finally find the relationship I've been looking for, though. Now that its on my mind I'll mention a couple of things to look for when anyone starts a relationship. Watch out for if they say passive remarks that indicate doubt on a somewhat frequent basis. It's not to be just ignored. I've experienced this in a couple of my past relationships and that doubt never seemed to go away. For example with the last guy, I would say something simple like I missed you and he would say in a joking kind of way that he didn't miss me, I'd get a look on my face and then he would just hug me. I chalked it up to him just joking around even though there was still the "wft?" thought in the back of my head. Little things like that can be a huge red flag. In another one of my relationships, he would say things like if I weren't around blah blah and you can remember me by blah blah. I'm feel like I'm being vague. Maybe I'll try to share some of this stuff later when I'm not pooped lol And smiling does definitely help. Guys are simple that way...no offense guys! lol Smiling helps in general I've found though. I've kinda trained myself to do it and even at work they have said to me you don't talk much but you smile and that is very important. No joke. Those are some really good observations that I have also found to be true. I agree that they aren't that complicated. Most of them are looking for sex. I suppose everybody is looking for sex. I don't think guys feel an overwhelming need to get married anymore. People get stuck in something that is just comfortable and then they are dishonest because they don't want to give up their good thing. That explains why a 10 year bf/gf relationship ends and they go out and marry someone new within a year. The comments like I don't miss you are really telling. I think they are done to manage your expectations down. I think the biggest red flag is how full on some guys are practically begging for a relationship and then once they get what they want, they start to back off. They want to keep you locked down to them so they have their steady sex partner or person they can go to when they are bored, but they know damn well they aren't interested in anything long term. I think the biggest way to avoid things is to slow everything way down. Don't let yourself get caught up in smooth talk and lust. I find it funny some guys want to take everything slowly as far as a relationship except for the sex part. I think it is easy for girls to get caught up in imagining the relationship as it was when it first started and it is hard to let go when you think it will get back to that. It is easy to make excuses for bad behavior because of this. Just my 3 cents from an old bag who has been around the block a few times.
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Post by Crashtastic on Jan 30, 2013 4:16:53 GMT -5
Yeah, that's what my goal is. I want to just be ok with myself. When I am ready to start again, I'm raising my standards. I know what to look for at this point. There is no more denying it. It will probably be a good while before I can finally find the relationship I've been looking for, though. Now that its on my mind I'll mention a couple of things to look for when anyone starts a relationship. Watch out for if they say passive remarks that indicate doubt on a somewhat frequent basis. It's not to be just ignored. I've experienced this in a couple of my past relationships and that doubt never seemed to go away. For example with the last guy, I would say something simple like I missed you and he would say in a joking kind of way that he didn't miss me, I'd get a look on my face and then he would just hug me. I chalked it up to him just joking around even though there was still the "wft?" thought in the back of my head. Little things like that can be a huge red flag. In another one of my relationships, he would say things like if I weren't around blah blah and you can remember me by blah blah. I'm feel like I'm being vague. Maybe I'll try to share some of this stuff later when I'm not pooped lol And smiling does definitely help. Guys are simple that way...no offense guys! lol Smiling helps in general I've found though. I've kinda trained myself to do it and even at work they have said to me you don't talk much but you smile and that is very important. No joke. Those are some really good observations that I have also found to be true. I agree that they aren't that complicated. Most of them are looking for sex. I suppose everybody is looking for sex. I don't think guys feel an overwhelming need to get married anymore. People get stuck in something that is just comfortable and then they are dishonest because they don't want to give up their good thing. That explains why a 10 year bf/gf relationship ends and they go out and marry someone new within a year. The comments like I don't miss you are really telling. I think they are done to manage your expectations down. I think the biggest red flag is how full on some guys are practically begging for a relationship and then once they get what they want, they start to back off. They want to keep you locked down to them so they have their steady sex partner or person they can go to when they are bored, but they know damn well they aren't interested in anything long term. I think the biggest way to avoid things is to slow everything way down. Don't let yourself get caught up in smooth talk and lust. I find it funny some guys want to take everything slowly as far as a relationship except for the sex part. I think it is easy for girls to get caught up in imagining the relationship as it was when it first started and it is hard to let go when you think it will get back to that. It is easy to make excuses for bad behavior because of this. Just my 3 cents from an old bag who has been around the block a few times. Yes, yes, and yes. That was all perfect. lol You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say all of that. I mean I kinda know that it wasn't just me being awful and undesirable, but that thought still gets in there somehow. Just that you said it the way you did, says that shit was them! Like my guy friend told me "Trust me, Elyse. It wasn't you. It was him" But he couldnt explain how or why...it definitely is just the friggen guys i am choosing to be with and I have not nor have I know how to filter them. AND this is why someone should choose to maybe wait a little until they sleep with someone because a lot of them aren't even aware that they don't really want a serious relationship. They're fucking stupid and don't realize until after the fact...after they've made the promises and plans and strung your heart right up. I don't like just giving myself to someone under false pretenses and it fucking hurts when you feel lied to....because they're idiots. UGH. Not that I wasn't an idiot too...but I didn't hurt them! lol Jeez it makes me think of my ex who I was with last year said to me once. "You are everything that I thought I wanted, but now that I have it...I don't think I want it anymore." Why do they make no sense....a lot of men I mean. Some of them seem like carbon copies of one another in this way. How is it that they can't recognize their own feelings? I'm completely perplexed....
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