How long...

[Strawberry]

How long would you give a relationship to decide how you feel about it? (without being an asshole...)

Should you know right away how you feel about someone and what you want out of it? Or is that very rare? How about 6+ months...

If you don't, is it doomed, regardless? Or should one give it time...and the more you go through together...the better it gets? Or would it then just turn into a long-term relationship out of sheer convenience? Or is that even a bad thing?

Is it better to have more of a friendship base... and/or should you feel 'crazy' about a person? Or does feeling 'crazy' about someone make things worse in the end?

Just...how do you know...

[puppet]

I wrote a bit. But then, not knowing anything about relationship, I decided to stop right there. So I have deleted my text.
I hope you find you answer. I'm curious about this topic too. 

[Karen]

From my perspective its pretty simple. If you want to spend time with 'x' person. Then you should. There isn't a time frame. If you're not sure about the future... well... welcome to the human race I don't think anyone is ever 100% sure if they are with the right person. Even those who claim they are had their doubts from time to time.

Eventually you'll find that the bad out weighs the good when you are with the other person, or that the good out weighs the bad. If its the former, dump them. If its the latter, then keep going and see how things go. If any of us had clear answers to questions like these, life would be a lot simpler for everyone.

As far as the 'crazy' vs. friendship base to a relationship, I will always choose friendship. At the end of the day you have to be friends with the person you love. The 'crazy' fades, and if there isn't friendship and companionship and joy left over, then the relationship is probably going to go south, and probably painfully.

[Strawberry]

I admire your positivity, Karen...

but...what about...any possible "dealbreakers?"

I'm just going to add more general thoughts/questions...anyone can answer...or not answer... :/...

I don't know...I think between the ages of 25 to 35, it would a total waste of time to be strung along by someone for years if someone (particularly females) know they want kids and the partner doesn't. Because of the whole stupid biological thing.

Maybe it's not as a big of a concern for a man (who wants kids) to be with someone who's unsure...since men tend to find someone younger....but even so...the older one gets, the more difficult it is to find someone unattached and compatible. Would it be unfair for anyone to drag a relationship out for an extended period of time, if this is an important issue to them?

Would it be wrong to move in with someone if that someone tends to refer to the future a lot, and you kind of know you're just taking it one day at a time?

What if someone has so many GOOD qualities...and you're fully aware of all the potential jerks that exist in the world; it would be hard to let them go...yet...you don't exactly seem to be "on the same page" about some things?

How much do you think two people need to have in common in order to have a long, happy relationship? Is it better to be more similar...or is it better be with someone who is a bit opposite to you?

For example...I've always thought sharing a similar sense of humor is super important. But what if such personal interests seem hard to come by to begin with?

Someone told me it's impossible to find someone with ALL qualities you desire from a partner. I guess I just don't know how to weed out what's most important. I mean...I think that loyalty, faithfulness, trust, respect...are huge, important things...but let's say there may be a bit of difference in the sense of humor...would this be considered a "dealbreaker?"

I fully realize no one can necessarily answer these in a way that may help me personally...but I'm still curious about any thoughts and/or experiences anyone has, nonetheless.

*puppet...feel free to share your thoughts. This forum isn't exactly full of responses these days.

[Karen]

I didn't think my post was very positive. But thank you. I hope you find the answers you're looking for. I'll leave it to others on the forum to give you their feedback. Hopefully something they say will help you clarify your feelings.

[Scotty]

Firstly, are you happy? Are they happy? If yes then don't change anything. If someone isn't happy talk to eachother and see if it's something you can work on, if not the relationship should end so you can both move on.

If you are unsure about moving in with them, then you shouldn't. That's just going to cause problems later if you change your mind. Be if you think living with them could be a good thing and you want to do it, then go for it!

[puppet]

123456789

[Stranger]

Sept 8, 2014 20:59:08 GMT -5 Strawberry said:

I don't know...I think between the ages of 25 to 35, it would a total waste of time to be strung along by someone for years if someone (particularly females) know they want kids and the partner doesn't. Because of the whole stupid biological thing.

Maybe it's not as a big of a concern for a man (who wants kids) to be with someone who's unsure...since men tend to find someone younger....but even so...the older one gets, the more difficult it is to find someone unattached and compatible. Would it be unfair for anyone to drag a relationship out for an extended period of time, if this is an important issue to them?

Would it be wrong to move in with someone if that someone tends to refer to the future a lot, and you kind of know you're just taking it one day at a time?

That seems risky to me. You'll feel worse if you break it off after doing that, and then you have the additional burden of figuring out new living arrangements.

The important thing is to have compatible expectations, so if you don't know for sure what his are, I'd strongly suggest talking to him about it before moving in. If he really cares about you he should have no problem giving you some time.

That said, if you've been going out for 6 months and feel kinda meh about him, I can't imagine sticking with him longer would change that. Holding on expecting him to change in some way sounds like a surefire recipe for agony. I get the kid thing, but my money is on you finding someone suitable before it's too late.

Sept 8, 2014 20:59:08 GMT -5 Strawberry said:

I admire your positivity, Karen...
What if someone has so many GOOD qualities...and you're fully aware of all the potential jerks that exist in the world; it would be hard to let them go...yet...you don't exactly seem to be "on the same page" about some things?

How much do you think two people need to have in common in order to have a long, happy relationship? Is it better to be more similar...or is it better be with someone who is a bit opposite to you?

For example...I've always thought sharing a similar sense of humor is super important. But what if such personal interests seem hard to come by to begin with?

Someone told me it's impossible to find someone with ALL qualities you desire from a partner. I guess I just don't know how to weed out what's most important. I mean...I think that loyalty, faithfulness, trust, respect...are huge, important things...but let's say there may be a bit of difference in the sense of humor...would this be considered a "dealbreaker?"

To me sense of humor is pretty high up there. That doesn't mean that you need to have many interests in common or share the same opinions on everything. Sense of humor is more about finding the same sorts of things fun and funny; about laughing and having fun together regularly, and being able to say things to each other without fear of offending or having the other judge you.

In the wider context, it's about being able to reduce each other's stress levels in tough times, and boost each other's happiness in great ones. Seems worth holding out for.

[Sweet Pea]

i don't think i can give great advice on how long to try. i stayed in a bad, unsatisfying relationship for 16 years out of some sense of duty or something. if i had it to do over again, no way. looking back on my life, things would have gone a LOT better if i had trusted my gut. at those times when i had that red flag feeling, i should have split. life is too short.

[Strawberry]

Sept 11, 2014 23:19:45 GMT -5 Stranger said:

That seems risky to me. You'll feel worse if you break it off after doing that, and then you have the additional burden of figuring out new living arrangements.

The important thing is to have compatible expectations, so if you don't know for sure what his are, I'd strongly suggest talking to him about it before moving in. If he really cares about you he should have no problem giving you some time.

That said, if you've been going out for 6 months and feel kinda meh about him, I can't imagine sticking with him longer would change that. Holding on expecting him to change in some way sounds like a surefire recipe for agony. I get the kid thing, but my money is on you finding someone suitable before it's too late.
.
.
.
.
.
To me sense of humor is pretty high up there. That doesn't mean that you need to have many interests in common or share the same opinions on everything. Sense of humor is more about finding the same sorts of things fun and funny; about laughing and having fun together regularly, and being able to say things to each other without fear of offending or having the other judge you.

In the wider context, it's about being able to reduce each other's stress levels in tough times, and boost each other's happiness in great ones. Seems worth holding out for.

Quite honestly, I think the biggest issue here is *ME* not knowing my own expectations. I don't understand how I'm so uncertain, at this age, about the *BIG*/key issues in life. The sort of things, I feel like, one should know before dating. I don't know what's wrong with me.

And those are pretty much my thoughts on the "sense of humor." Someone's told me recently that they think living with someone can improve things, though...that you adopt each other's mannerisms and whatnot, and perhaps grow closer? Though I imagine it could have the opposite affect as well.

I personally feel my main goal now is to stay where I'm at to continue paying off my loans. I'd kind of like to get that over with before moving on anyway. :/ But it's an issue that's been brought up more than once...so...I just don't know. I almost feel like we don't spend enough time with each other, and that kind of drags things out longer...for better or worse...though I don't really know what I'm talking about. :/


@ puppet...I did catch what you wrote. The questions you posed were very good, and really, they were a lot of questions I've asked myself over and over again. Maybe I don't like the answers to some of them. :/

@ Sweet Pea...I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad relationship. I do wonder what is meant by "bad" and "unsatisfying," though I don't expect you to go into detail or anything. I feel like this guy can be depended on and can be trusted, though...I just don't know. I feel like 'feelings' are either there or aren't. And "gut feeling" is something I often have to go by, too. I can say that my initial feeling was that we didn't have enough in common to even start a relationship...that's all I'll say...but it's a feeling that has just kind of lingered. Though we've had enough to get us by this far.

I've just always hoped that this sort of shit was mutual...either way. Like, either both people know it's really good or both know it's not a good fit...or that both just feel similar things in general. This one-sided crap pisses me off. Just speaking in general, not about this situation specifically. He doesn't anger me. It just saddens me. I don't consider myself a violent person or anything...but if I came into contact with the mythical creature known as Cupid...I would want to punch him about 20 times before kicking him off of a cliff.

I feel like "love" is presented in a way, through a variety of media, that is just not congruent with real life, on the whole. And pardon the word choice there, if it seems weird. It seems that work lingo is affecting my real life choice of words. At least a little.

*Anyway, just one last note...I do appreciate everyone's responses to this thread thus far.

[StarFall]

These thoughts and opinions are just my own from my own experience in a long-term relationship that is getting better but going nowhere.

How long would you give a relationship to decide how you feel about it? (without being an asshole...) I would give it time but not too much time. Somewhere between six months and a year I think you've known someone long enough to see several sides of them without wasting too much time if you realize things are not going to work out.

Should you know right away how you feel about someone and what you want out of it? No and maybe. Sometimes feelings do take time to develop and it might not be all sparks and fireworks in the beginning and that's not always a bad thing. As far as knowing what you want out of it, I think it depends on the person. If you know you want to get married some day then you are probably dating to find a marriageable partner, and if you can't picture being married to the person you're dating then that person probably isn't right. However, if you're dating to have fun (with or without marriage on the distant horizon) then it might be okay to stick it out and figure out what you want out of the relationship.

Or is that very rare? I can't tell you how many stories I've heard of people knowing within a few hours/days that they found "the one" and then they went on to be happily together forever. But I think for most people it's somewhere in between that and several years to decide if the person is right or not.

If you don't, is it doomed, regardless? I feel that when someone is unsure of their feelings then deep down inside there is usually something wrong with the relationship that they might not even want to admit to themselves. I think a lot of times people don't want to admit to shallow reasons for calling it quits, but sometimes even shallow reasons can be valid reasons for moving on, as horrible as that sounds.

Or should one give it time...and the more you go through together...the better it gets? Or would it then just turn into a long-term relationship out of sheer convenience? Or is that even a bad thing? For good or bad, the more you go through together the more things get relaxed and comfortable. Also, going through a lot together creates a common history and a bond of its own. It might very well turn into a long-term relationship out of sheer convenience which would be a bad thing if ultimately one or both of you is not getting what you want out of the relationship.

Is it better to have more of a friendship base... and/or should you feel 'crazy' about a person? Or does feeling 'crazy' about someone make things worse in the end? In my opinion, and from what I've heard time and time again, it's better to have a friendship base. The honeymoon "crazy" about someone phase will end and if there isn't friendship left to sustain the relationship then I don't think there's a strong enough base to hold up the post-honeymoon phase.

but...what about...any possible "dealbreakers?" There's a really annoying pop song whose lyrics say something like, "as long you love me we could be homeless, we could be starving, etc." - basically saying that as long as you love each you can get through anything. In my opinion/experience I think that's a nice sentiment for tweens and teenagers. But as an adult I've realized another song hits closer to the truth "sometimes love just ain't enough". I know what it's like to love someone and yet know there is no way it will ever work because of dealbreakers.

I don't know...I think between the ages of 25 to 35, it would a total waste of time to be strung along by someone for years if someone (particularly females) know they want kids and the partner doesn't. Because of the whole stupid biological thing. Yes, a thousand times yes. I don't think people realize how quickly fertility runs out for women. Also, if one partner wants kids and the other doesn't, then it isn't fair to either partner. Also, it would be extremely unfair to any kid born into a relationship where one partner resents them.

Maybe it's not as a big of a concern for a man (who wants kids) to be with someone who's unsure...since men tend to find someone younger....but even so...the older one gets, the more difficult it is to find someone unattached and compatible. Would it be unfair for anyone to drag a relationship out for an extended period of time, if this is an important issue to them? Yes, it would not be fair.

Would it be wrong to move in with someone if that someone tends to refer to the future a lot, and you kind of know you're just taking it one day at a time? I would hold off on moving in in that case.

What if someone has so many GOOD qualities...and you're fully aware of all the potential jerks that exist in the world; it would be hard to let them go...yet...you don't exactly seem to be "on the same page" about some things? This is so my relationship. Could you picture yourself saying yes to a marriage proposal from that person? If you hesitate (or panic), there's probably a good reason why.

How much do you think two people need to have in common in order to have a long, happy relationship? Is it better to be more similar...or is it better be with someone who is a bit opposite to you? They say opposites attract and yet it excites me more when I find out I have something in common with someone, it creates a sort of kinship. I think a good relationship needs a lot in common but not everything.

For example...I've always thought sharing a similar sense of humor is super important. But what if such personal interests seem hard to come by to begin with? Someone told me it's impossible to find someone with ALL qualities you desire from a partner. Yes, I think every relationship ends up with some compromises.

I guess I just don't know how to weed out what's most important. I mean...I think that loyalty, faithfulness, trust, respect...are huge, important things...but let's say there may be a bit of difference in the sense of humor...would this be considered a "dealbreaker?" It's so great to be able to laugh at the same things. Once more, it creates a bond between you two. Also, if you find their humor offensive or annoying it might grate on your nerves more and more as time goes on. However, if their humor is fairly harmless or dorky you might just get used to it and it may become a non-issue.

For what it's worth I think the common/major issues couples fight about are very important to consider as far as dealbreakers go. These are things like finances (is one of you a Scrooge and the other extremely generous?), are you on the same page about marriage and kids?, what about sex (does one person want it all the time while the other only wants it every once in a while?). Are you opposite on other issues like religion and politics? Do you get along with each others' families?

I hope that helps, or at least gives you something to think about. It sounds like we're both in a very similar situation.

[Strawberry]

Thank you so much for the thorough response, StarFall. I greatly appreciate it. I guess I have the same thoughts towards my own questions. :/ Though, it is nice to hear others' thoughts. I still feel like a big jerk for even thinking some of the things I think. For even sharing this on this forum.

I imagine I need to definitely make up my mind within the next 6 months.

I think my biggest fear of all is just going through life all alone, though. And quite possibly just choosing the loneliest lifestyle ever.

It was just a year ago I had made the comment to someone..."If I never find the right person, I don't think I'll ever get married." To which the person kind of gave me a surprised look, which I didn't even really understand.

I just don't think I'm the type of person that can make "logical" decisions. If my heart doesn't feel a certain way...I can't force it. Nor can I ignore it.