I Scared Him Off!

[Thought Analyst]

At least that is the conclusion I've drawn.

 

Ok. I know I am not as open as a lot of you are about my life and any relationships lol what relationships?! It's taken me a long time to get over "Trad" the fellow I was in love with 4 years ago, but anyway....

This is hard for me to share:

A few months ago at the library (around April, I know it was April because I had just gotten over a terrible bronchitis cold), I was sitting in one of the big comfy chairs (the library had done a renovation and they increased the number of chairs for people to sit on), and a man named Rael was sitting at one of the big tables studying. At some point (I forget the exact details of our first encounter, sorry), we introduced ourselves to each other, then we went back to our respective reading materials. I had had a leftover cough from that cold, and he offered me a candy for my throat which I gratefully accepted. That was the gist of the first meeting. I think we had said a few words before this about that he was new to Fredericton and to the library (he's from Montreal), that sort of thing.

The second encounter was a few months later, around August. I was charging up my mp3 player in one of the rooms. I happened to notice someone out of the corner of my eye looking in the room I was in. I was almost sure it was Rael. Then the person left so I went back to waiting for the mp3 to charge. After that, I walked around to where I had met Rael before and lo and behold he was sitting at the same table, so I gingerly went over and greeted him. He greeted me back. I asked if I could sit with him, and he indicated I could. At some point during our conversation he said he noticed me in the other room but that he didn't want to disturb me as I looked occupied. We had a really good convo going this time, talking about words and meanings. He's an intellectual, a person I want to be involved with. We were talking about French and he taught me a few things about that. We discussed other words and meanings of which at some point during our approximately 2 hour conversation I got a German-English dictionary so we could look up one of the words. I told him some things about my life, my noisy upstairs neighbour and so on. He seemed very interested in me as a person plus he seemed to like how I look, saying how young I looked. He couldn't believe it when I told him my age. He thought I was much younger. He's in his 50s but when I asked him his age he jokingly changed the subject saying "what nice weather we're having lately" - lol. I was telling him a bunch of jokes also and he seemed to get a kick out of them, his eyes would twinkle, and he smiled with his eyes too:)! I was on cloud 9 for awhile there til I noticed his absences at the library, and especially after I surmised I probably scared him off - then I felt guilty.

I know now what I did wrong. I scared him off. I didn't see any harm in it at the time, but I'd made some complaint about being alone and lonely. I know now I should not have said that, but it being our only second conversation like I said I didn't see any harm in it. At the time I didn't consider beforehand that it "could turn him off" or maybe I would have "thought twice" about saying it. I know I didn't say anything mean to him, and he seemed as if he enjoyed our talks, the few (only 2) we'd had. I know I came across as "desperate" (which I am), and that's what spoiled it for me. In the book "Why Men Love Bitches" that is the thing it counsels women not to come across as (among other advice it gives). Sometimes a person just Forgets (the advice) in the moment of conversation, unfortunately for me.

I haven't seen him at the library since this last time; and I can only conclude that he's avoiding me because of what I said.

I would like to (and probably won't) have the chance to speak to him once more and apologize to him for talking about being lonely, that I believe I scared him off by saying that, and if it would make any difference at all, that I will just sit in another area of the library, if that's why he hasn't been going there.

I don't mean to sound presumptuous. I suppose there could be other reasons why he's not at the library. I suppose that if he has a job maybe his shift got changed to go to work at night or something. It doesn't Have to be Myself that is the reason I no longer see him sitting at that particular table. I just don't like the thought that maybe I scared him off talking about being lonely, that's all. I just would like to at least have the chance to apologize to him and try to make it right if it's because of what I said.

This isn't the only reason I'm feeling crappy/crabby. For now I will stick to the subject at hand (Rael) - at least on this thread, if I can have enough self control to do this lol.

He was my last hope, my last chance - especially since he probably doesn't think I'm ugly. I find him pretty attractive myself! I guess, like I told my friends (lol) on facebook, I better go shopping for some knitting needles and yarn to go along with that rocking chair I have:(. Because at the rate I'm going I'm never going to find someone I can have a romantic and long term relationship with. Most of you on here are in your 20s, and those of you who know of me, know I'm over 50, so I guess for me this is it. Even my ex got remarried, and he was 61 when he did so (of course he's not ugly like I am - I hate to think what an old hag I'll look like when/if I see 61!!! I never was one of the "pretty ones") Sorry. Like I said on the other thread/post I made today, I'm feeling really crappy/crabby. Those of you who aren't ugly - and that's probably every girl on here but me! - be happy about that. Because personality or no, a guy is just not going to bother unless the looks are there. Well there has to be "sex appeal" so that there's an attraction: otherwise it'll just be a friendship. Why Would he bother? If he'd sooner wrap his arms around a telephone pole, than someone with my looks, then there's no hope then. Not for me. And nothing is going to change that. I can "think positive thoughts" til the cows come home, but if I am not attractive it will not get me anywhere as far as getting a romantic long term relationship. I'm Not confident. I'm Not sure of myself. I know those two things are what a guy looks for also. But it's too late for me. I wish I had learned these things when I was 16 instead of 52! I probably have only 20 more years or less to live. So I'm Just Going to Have to Buckle Down and Get Used to Not Having A Significant Other and try to learn how to do crafts, I guess.

[puppet]

It must be hard to feel this way.
I haven't had any relationship and I have never tried to build one. I wouldn't know how to do it and wouldn't feel worth it.
So I can only try to feel the pain it could cause. And I imagine the real thing must be even worse.
I can only wish you will find a Significant Other at some point.
My thoughts go to you.

[StarFall]

I'm so sorry you're feeling down about yourself Audioanalyst. I know just how difficult confidence is to come by. But when I was reading through your interactions with Rael, as far as striking up a conversation, keeping conversation going, asking to sit with him - that all sounded great to me and far more than I do with strangers or near-strangers on any given day and I think you should be proud of that.

Also, I don't think you should apologize to him for anything. You didn't do anything wrong and if his reason for "avoiding" the library is because he's been extra busy at work, or on vacation or something then apologizing to him is just going to make things more awkward. Also, don't say anything about thinking you scared him off and don't offer to sit in another area of the library (if he truly doesn't want to sit near you he can go find his own area). Anyway, if you see him again just say hi, ask how he's doing, and see how the conversation flows from there.

By the way, I actually own the book "Why Men Love Bitches" - a very interesting read.

Oct 5, 2014 16:16:42 GMT -5 Thought Analyst said:

I would like to (and probably won't) have the chance to speak to him once more and apologize to him for talking about being lonely, that I believe I scared him off by saying that, and if it would make any difference at all, that I will just sit in another area of the library, if that's why he hasn't been going there.

I don't mean to sound presumptuous. I suppose there could be other reasons why he's not at the library. I suppose that if he has a job maybe his shift got changed to go to work at night or something. It doesn't Have to be Myself that is the reason I no longer see him sitting at that particular table. I just don't like the thought that maybe I scared him off talking about being lonely, that's all. I just would like to at least have the chance to apologize to him and try to make it right if it's because of what I said.

[snookie]

I am in similar situation to you Audioanalyst.  I work in a hospital library and have been sort of friendly with one of the doctors who comes in to study.  He is on the shy side and very good looking, but obviously finds it difficult to talk to women.  Anyway he started talking to me - not long conversations - but just "hi" and "how are you?" sort of thing.  I am shy myself and don't usually get much male attention, so I can't believe that someone like him likes me.  But he obviously likes me in some way as we have been building a little friendship over the course of a couple of years now.  We don't see each other outside work, but talk a bit when he comes into the library - on one occasion he came and sat beside me at the library desk to read his book - that was a surprise I can tell you.  And we sometimes text each other - just friendly messages wishing each other Happy Birthday or have a good weekend and he was supportive earlier this year when a relative passed away.

But he also has been rather absent recently.  He is on a temporary contract at the moment, which keeps being extended.  I had to text him about a month ago because the librarian had noticed that he hadn't been in the library for some time, so asked me if he was still working at the hospital.  So I asked him if he was still there.  He replied about a week later to say that he was still working at the hospital, would be until after Christmas.  Then said he hoped to come to the library later so might 'catch me then.'  'See you soon.'  I replied ok.  And later after work texted him again to apologise for bothering him and said I would not mention leaving dates again, but would let him tell us when he would be going to another hospital, if indeed he did.  He wasn't allowed to just disappear.  That was just over two weeks ago and apart from waving hello to each other in the car park I haven't seen him since.  It could be that he is too busy to leave his department - the hospital is at full capacity at the moment.  But I wonder if I have blown it with my "you're not allowed to just disappear" comment.  I thought we were friendly enough for him to know what I meant by that - I just wouldn't want him to leave without saying goodbye. 

So now I don't know whether to text him and ask if I have upset him in some way or just leave him alone.  I was never expecting to have a 'relationship' with him, but thought our friendship was going quite well, for two shy people.  It is very frustrating when you have to be so careful what you say to these delicate male creatures isn't it?

[Outcast]

It's not easy to forget something that you may have said or did that could have turned off the person you've just met. I have my share of experiences like that. But i think we shouldn't care that much. Because that's probably part of the "getting to know you stage". I think it's better if we act naturally rather than try to pretend to be somebody we are not. Because sooner or later, they will find out eventually.

If the men you like seem to get scared that easily just based on what you thought was a perfectly harmless remark in a conversation, then it's probably best that the relationship ended sooner rather than later. They should appreciate and like you for who you are, and how you talk and carry a conversation naturally. I think it's shallow for them to judge you immediately based on one innocent remark. It takes some time to really get to know somebody. Well, i guess i can't really blame them for forming perceptions/impressions (not necessarily correct) of the people they meet. I think everyone is prone to do the same thing. Doesn't make it right, but sometimes people can't help it.

The point is, they hardly know us to properly judge our character. So we shouldn't take it to heart or agree with any negative impressions/perceptions they may have about us. Well at least, that's how i would try to cheer myself up when i find myself in these kinds of situations. (And i kinda did recently.)

It's probably hard to do, but just try to stop thinking about the guy or just the incident itself. I don't think you necessarily have to stop thinking about the guy, just stop thinking that what you did was a mistake. You did and said what you felt was ok at the time, if other people took it the wrong way and avoids you before you could have had a chance to explain. Then it was their mistake and not your problem.

Anyway, hope you guys feel better. I know sometimes it's harder to actually do.

[snookie]

Outcast - wise advice from you. My problem is that I'm too sensitive and think about things too much. I think my friendship with my doctor is ok. In the past there have been other times he hasn't been in the library for weeks as he was very busy. This week he phoned the libraryabout something. I texted him later to see if he had sorted his problem out. He replied straight away. So i think we're ok.

[Outcast]

Dec 6, 2014 5:13:02 GMT -5 snookie said:

Outcast - wise advice from you. My problem is that I'm too sensitive and think about things too much. I think my friendship with my doctor is ok. In the past there have been other times he hasn't been in the library for weeks as he was very busy. This week he phoned the libraryabout something. I texted him later to see if he had sorted his problem out. He replied straight away. So i think we're ok.

Thanks Snookie. I wasn't really sure if i was able to really relate to what you girls were feeling. I thought it might have been different case for you guys and i was just rambling nonsense that didn't quite fit your situation.

I think of myself as a pretty sensitive guy as well. Probably most shy people are i guess. I think we become too sensitive because we remember/have had more bad experiences when it comes to dealing with people compared to the good experiences. But i think other people can experience those bad experiences too, but they may deal with them differently. Some may just shrug those experiences off, and barely give it any thought. I think it probably helps when they are confident about themselves, and learn to like themselves for who they are and what they have.

I do realize how being too sensitive can be bad, when i see it in other people. Like when others would get mad or reject me simply because of something i said. When they mistake it for something else and judge me for it. But it's really hard to blame them too. Since i think most people are inclined to (judge) do so anyways. I think it could be like hard wired in our brains. Like something from a show called "brain games".

Anyways, whenever i catch myself being too sensitive. I just try to remind myself that it's a trait that i know i'm often guilty of, and a trait that i wish to change.

Thinking about things too much is another thing i do as well. I think we tend to do that more when we worry about all kinds of stuff. And because of most of what we remember from our experiences with dealing with people are negative, we sometimes can't help it. In my experience, i've tended to assume what other people think about me are all sorts of these negative stuff. Most of it i think comes from my own negative perception of myself and my self worth. So yes it helps not to jump to conclusions or assume what a person is thinking because sometimes when you actually talk to them later on, we find that we were mistaken. So i think the only solution to this problem is to try and change that perception into a more positive one. In other words, working on our self esteem. But i know it's not easy.

Good to know you're friendship with the doctor is ok.