So Sick of this damned depression!!!

[Audio the obscure]

I hate this depression. I'm so tired of trying to find ways to get my mind off it or to change my mood. I've tried changing  my diet, eating healthier. I've even given up that fluffy bread that I've been addicted to for years (now I just eat the non addictive dense sourdough - very small 70 calorie slices, one slice for a snack or meal). I've been eating salads. Cooked vegetables for supper. I rarely eat sweets now. I don't drink (well not enough to matter - for example, I still have one old wine cooler from when I was at my old place, and it's still sitting in the fridge!). I don't smoke. I don't use drugs. I'm even down to one cup of tea a day (in the morning!). I don't know what else to try as far as my diet is concerned.

I actually don't think it was my diet before that was causing my depression. I'm doing a lot of things correctly now diet-wise, and I'm still suffering. My feet continue to bother me and that is upsetting to me. Because I hate where I live now because it's too hot (yes when I get an air conditioner and it gets installed, that will help, but the big windows depress me no matter what the room temperature is!). I don't like staying in this apartment, but when my feet hurt, it's hard not to.

If I just had some relatives or friends that would care about me in the offline world, that would help.  That's what I need: someone to care about me, and I don't mean a man either. I've tried that, and there just isn't anyone. I've tried Plenty of Fish and there are some nice guys on there, and a few jerks, but overall they just don't find me attractive; or, if there's someone I find attractive, usually they don't find me attractive. I'm not going to bother trying anymore to find someone. I've just gotten too old that's all. I've never really been that pretty and age is not going to make me look any better so what's the use.  My aunt still treats me like I'm a stranger. My mother's younger sister! I have one sister that I haven't seen since we were kids. I've tried to contact her, but she won't contact me back. I don't even know where she lives now or I would try again. I looked for her name on facebook, but there's nothing. And if she's gotten married, I don't know her married name. Her maiden name does not show up on facebook.

If I could feel like I have some hope, but there isn't. That's what put me in the hospital in 1993 in the first place. Of course back then it was a shock. One day I'm depressed, but not too bad. The next morning, I have a panic attack that lasts for 4 months (I lost about 22 pounds at the time). I couldn't eat or sleep. I knew exactly what it was that caused the symptoms. And I still have it (hopelessness and fear of the future and certainty of my ultimate future). So far, I've been able to keep this from becoming a full blown severe panic attack. I still have control over my ability to eat (so far). It's tiring trying to block my mind when the hopelessness is so pervasive and prevalent. I want to believe "This too shall pass". But I don't. If only I hadn't become a failure. I know, I know. Thoughts determine reality. I understand that. But I can't just "think myself a success". In order to succeed where I live, I have to be proficient in the French language. I have no desire to learn French. I had immersion from grade 3 onward in school. There is a real debate going on in our province over this very thing. One security guard was not proficient in French so he lost his job. Then the government was going on about having French EMT  or ambulance drivers. Now the discussion has been on separate school buses for French students. Where will it end?! The whole thing depresses me. That's one reason why some people in my province have left to try to get work out west or anywhere else in Canada. I wish the bilingualism thing were scrapped! NB is the only officially bilingual province in all of Canada! There are French classes but they cost money. And I am not motivated. You know the carrot or stick motivation. Well I'm feeling rather "stick motivated". No, nobody's pushing me, but having no desire to learn enough French to pass the NB oral French proficiency test to have bilingual certification - the lack of desire and feeling like a failure for not being bilingual is my "stick", as it were. I don't even drive, for crying out loud. If I did, I would just take off and leave! I've thought of trying to get my driver's license, but ruminating about that and checking places out (driver's ed, etc.) online - all that there depresses me also. It's not about doing the work. It's "What if I spend all that money on driver's ed - which I'd have to save up for in the first place - and still not be able to pass the motor test?" I'm sure I could pass the written test if I put my mind to it and really hunkered down and studied all the materials: the road signs, the right of way rules, and the rest of it. I'm nervous and that can really affect the ability to drive. My friend Brent took the road test years ago, and didn't pass because of nervousness. And he's a calmer person than I am!!!

It would help SO MUCH if that aunt of mine, the snob across the river, would visit me. She knows my new address. I have never seen a relative as mean as her to me in my entire life! I wrote a card for her daughter, who's handicapped severely with some money in it for her to get something she might like to have. I asked my aunt if she didn't mind to read the card to her (in hopes that later on when she perhaps is better, she may remember I had written her, that she will know someday that I care about her). I included a self stamped envelope because I wanted my aunt to write me the address and phone number of a couple of relatives (another aunt, and a cousin). I've still not heard back from her. It's pretty damn depressing when I feel I have to supply a stamped envelope to an aunt that most certainly is not poor! She is a mean austere woman where I am concerned, with no generosity of spirit or anything else toward me. I am so tired of reaching out to her and getting nothing back. She continues to treat me like a stranger. Maybe she treats strangers better than me, I don't know. That hurts so much! I might as well be dead. What's the use of living. I'm able to care about others. But I need someone to care about me. I'm not a philanthropist. I can't just give without it being reciprocated. I don't have it in me to be that unselfish. I'm a selfish person. I wish I just hadn't wasted my life 30 years of it in a church when I could have been doing other things, when I still had the youth and strength to do them. That's why I am so turned off of religion! I wish I had never gotten involved 30 years ago in religion! I wish I had been atheist, I really do. Because I'm sure I would be happy today! I can't just turn it off and say I don't believe there's a God. If I could, that would be different. If I could, I wouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling that because I've lived an unsuccessful life my future is probably that I am going to hell. And it takes every bit of will to try not to let that thought take such a hold on me (as it did in 1993 causing the panic attacks that spawned the not eating that put me in the hospital) that I end up sick in the hospital again. Because if I end up in the hospital, without any hope at all, and without any relative and friend support, I fear I may not get out. I can't even go to the doctor. I'm afraid to go. I'm afraid I won't be able to hold in just how badly I feel. If she sees it, she may put me in the hospital against my will. I won't go through that again. I did everything they said. I took every pill they gave me. I went to all the therapy groups they put me in. And what was the result? The psychiatrist says: Mary, you are not making any effort to get better!!!" And if I hadn't been so terrified of him I probably would have told him to go square flying!!!! Dr. Omotayo Ifabumuyi, I did everything you told me to do. I took every pill you prescribed me. I went to all the groups: occupational therapy, foundation therapy, creative expressions group, relax group, fun group, grief group, etc. etc. etc. and you have the unmitigated gall to tell me that I am 'not making any effort to get better'?!? I hate Fredericton! It is the most hypocritical city I have ever encountered in my life. Politically correct. Believe me, if I could do it, I would move. It's a little difficult for me right now with my feet bothering me. Plus I have nobody to help me. Not one soul. And my longtime friend from the mutual village where we each lived - she unfriended me on facebook without even an email telling me what I said that offended her. And you've got to understand she was one of my best friends. She was the friend of both my parents and myself. My mum helped her out with food for her and her kids. And she helped my mum and I move when we were in the process of moving from the country to Saint John (she already had moved to Saint John before we did). I used to babysit her kids. I lived with her for a few months in 1979 and babysat her kids. We were close knit. And she does this to me?! Surely you can see how emotionally this would affect me. She was no stranger. It hurt me deeply when I discovered her not in my friends list. And she won't return my emails. I email her once in a while asking if we can talk and touch base, etc. I tell her I miss her. I don't do it everyday. I do it every so often so she can see that I miss her but that I don't want to harass her.

I want to write more but I'm tired. My back is sore from sitting typing this. Sorry about the religion talk. I promised I would never preach on here. And I believe I have kept my promise. I feel I have to make reference to it sometimes, but only when discussing my life, and how religion played a part, and how it's affecting me now (worrying about the future, etc.). But that is all I will do in that regard.

One piece of good news, though (but not about anything I wrote above):

I got a cheque yesterday for the damage deposit I had paid on my old apartment. I actually got the full amount back, which I hadn't expected. I wasn't even sure I'd get anything back, or at best that some would have been taken out (I hadn't damaged anything, but still, some landlords like to retain what they can). I'm a bit of a hoarder regarding money (only because I've been poor all my adult life, and I like to save up just mostly for trying to move). Four hundred and eighty dollars back!