Post by Audio the obscure on Jan 21, 2018 12:45:30 GMT -5
Sorry about the inability to put a proper title on this.
Before I start, I may as well tell you a piece of good news (yes it should be somewhere else besides the "rant" thread, but I'm fatigued so I'm putting it here):
My Aunt Gracie called me today! Of course it was more obligatory - she was making calls to the relatives about the fact that Aunt Georgina died and she thought I'd want to know. So I appreciated that. We had a bit of a talk. I told her (again) how I felt about our relationship. She's sort of "reserved" (for lack of a better term for it) and doesn't always show emotion or express it like I do. She wants me to come over on the bus and visit, which I appreciated her saying. I said I would and that if she called sometimes and invited me I promise that barring any health (legs,etc) troubles on whatever day I would definitely get the bus over. I got talking about some opinions I had (earlier in the conversation) about politics and so forth and we seem to be on a similar page about some aspects of this. She said "I hit the nail on the head" with something I said, which is to me the closest thing to a compliment from HER toward me for anything coming from me lol. So hopefully our relationship has a chance for at least not getting worse and maybe will get better. She liked the Mother's Day card I'd sent her last year at that time, so I was glad about that too. I'm hoping when I get over there to bring my smart phone (which I use only to take pics for the most part - the rest of it is "shot" lol - none or almost none of the apps work anymore) and get some pics of her, Lana, and cousin Kevin.
Anyway, that said this next part is sort of the "rant" as it were:
I watch House M.D. quite a lot (I realize it's been done off the network for some years now, but one of the Canadian tv stations has reruns on a couple times a week; plus I have 3 dvds of it here). And today I was watching the one where Foreman had Taub stay in his home temporarily to help him study for a test (something like that). I won't bore you with all of it so I'll just put the point next:
The point is, that after the goal was reached and Taub was leaving, Foreman invited him to stay with him at least until he found another place to live (when I think previously he was only "tolerating" Taub to help him study or something like that).
My rant is that I wish that something similar would happen with me. That someone (anyone) who doesn't especially like me maybe even considers me an "enemy" at worst or is irritated by me (at best) would take the time to get to know me and maybe a similar thing would happen.
It seems that I either have almost no friends and/or I made (or make) a lot of enemies. And even when I try as best as I know how to make (or try to) make amends to certain people, nothing positive happens. I can't force a relationship, I know that. I try (for a short time) - a "short time" ONLY because I don't want to be seen by a person (anyone) as harrassing them, so I don't. I am very sensitive to the thought or possibility of getting in trouble with the law and being charged with something. I have never been in trouble with the law (police), charged, arrested, or in jail or prison. And I don't want that to change. I'm not a "good" person, and I still believe I am going to "hell". That I don't think I'll ever be able to change because I don't have a job. That is the other thing. The old worry about that that I had in 1992 which caused my nervous breakdown and subsequent hospitalisation is rearing its ugly head psychologically in me again. I want desperately to make amends to all I've hurt or offended before I go "the way of all flesh" (or die I mean). I don't expect a relationship. I just want that I and other people (the ones I've offended) can reach some kind of understanding that I didn't mean to hurt/offend them. I've tried to as it were hold out the white handkerchief (even in here privately of course) but no dice. I've not named names publicly of course. I won't do that, so.... anyway *sigh* I am tres tres discouraged about all of this. The guilt over being unemployed is eating me alive!!!! I have no desire to be employed. I detest retail. I love cleaning. Trouble is, I don't have bona fide cleaning experience - I mean employed cleaning experience of course. My religious beliefs (sorry I know it's a sticky subject in here) hinder me as I don't work on the Sabbath and a lot of jobs require one to work the weekends, especially Saturday. I feel somewhat suicidal. I'm just saying. I know I can't really talk about that in here specifically. I know what I'm supposed to do, so... *sighs*. I'm just saying. I don't want to die. Why would I be in a hurry to die and then go into hellfire?! Of course I would not. I want to hold on to whatever years I have left to live. But the guilt is still killing me!!! I don't believe I am lazy. I do housework here. I vacuum. I mop. I dust. I wash clothes, even some by hand. When I was in the jobs I had (very few, but anyway...), both places I worked - the supervisors and others said I was a hard and/or fast worker. I even have a recommendation from the last place I worked fulltime saying I excelled on any work which requires attention to detail. I tried to get work online, like doing surveys (ugh) or typing stuff. But no dice. All that happened was I wasted hours of time jumping through their hoops and still no chance for work. I'm just ranting. Feel free not to read <lol what a time in this to say that eh?<*snorts@myself*. I just don't have a big desire to do anything at the moment. It's hard to say that to people, you know, in the out of online world. It seems to make one appear like they're<(myself I mean) lazy. I just wish it "could count" that I do housework. I don't mean count on the GDP. I mean count Spiritually so that I could escape hellfire. I believe it would "count" in my favour if I were married and my husband was the breadwinner. But I don't believe it counts when I'm by myself. It's very frustrating. But mostly discouraging because of the guilt and the fear. Even if I were today or tomorrow decide to renounce everything and become an athiest. For me, I just can't. It would take a lobotomy or shock treatment or something drastic for me to just say "there is no God". I know people have that belief and I respect that. That's why some I've favourited in here knowing they are athiests. Like I said on another post I've made. I am conservative minded and a "live and let live" person as far as other people's lives and opinions and beliefs are concerned. I've favourited, as I said before, people in here because I've found something I liked about each of them. Either because we like similar genre tv shows (i.e. scifi/trek); or because we like music; or because we are each musicians, songwriters or poets, etc., or because I can relate to them psychologically in some way (i.e. depression, anxiety, etc.); and so forth, etc. etc. etc. I know this is long. I am so high strung lately. I got only a few hours' sleep Friday night into Saturday morning which made for a very tired and sluggish time trying to keep Sabbath. Last night I slept somewhat better, not as many awakenings, and a bit more of a deeper sleep. I'm having nightmares also but I can't remember what the subject matter is in them. Sorry for the length of this. I want to say more, but I just can't remember what else it is I want to say.
I suppose I should put this on a new post, but I'll just "addendum" it here. I think all this Church Guilt stuff partly stems from the fact that in 1991 there was a ministerial change in wcg (the church I attended in 80s and early 90s). The first two ministers treated me wonderfully, and even the second of those two ministers had me in a "singles club" at the time (since I was in my 20s) along with other singles, which I enjoyed. Anyway, when they did the transferring of the second minister to Markham, Ontario; and the 3rd minister was brought in (from Zimbabwe), some of us speculated and wondered how he would approach us (members). Well he could be lavish in his praise, but, unfortunately equally lavish in his criticisms! At the time I was going to Community College in an Administrative Services Assistant (fancy name for secretary or office worker, etc.) and even then at a time when I was actually working towards an intended job or career, I felt guilty. I wrote this minister telling him of my discouragement, feeling like I was a "tare" (for those who don't know what I mean and want the info, it's a biblical expression that is somewhat negative). I was expecting him to either write me back or to telephone me; but instead he used 5 minutes at one of the Feast or Holy Days to talk to me. And when I needed to talk more (have more counseling and conversation about this), he cut me off, accusing me of taking up his time away from other church members). So here I was, trying to improve myself and do better vocationally, looking for some encouragement from a church minister, and he says THIS to me. So I hope this might give anyone reading my posts some insight (if anyone would like) as to why I am so Spiritually messed up. It seems as the saying goes I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
Sorry again about the very long post.
Before I start, I may as well tell you a piece of good news (yes it should be somewhere else besides the "rant" thread, but I'm fatigued so I'm putting it here):
My Aunt Gracie called me today! Of course it was more obligatory - she was making calls to the relatives about the fact that Aunt Georgina died and she thought I'd want to know. So I appreciated that. We had a bit of a talk. I told her (again) how I felt about our relationship. She's sort of "reserved" (for lack of a better term for it) and doesn't always show emotion or express it like I do. She wants me to come over on the bus and visit, which I appreciated her saying. I said I would and that if she called sometimes and invited me I promise that barring any health (legs,etc) troubles on whatever day I would definitely get the bus over. I got talking about some opinions I had (earlier in the conversation) about politics and so forth and we seem to be on a similar page about some aspects of this. She said "I hit the nail on the head" with something I said, which is to me the closest thing to a compliment from HER toward me for anything coming from me lol. So hopefully our relationship has a chance for at least not getting worse and maybe will get better. She liked the Mother's Day card I'd sent her last year at that time, so I was glad about that too. I'm hoping when I get over there to bring my smart phone (which I use only to take pics for the most part - the rest of it is "shot" lol - none or almost none of the apps work anymore) and get some pics of her, Lana, and cousin Kevin.
Anyway, that said this next part is sort of the "rant" as it were:
I watch House M.D. quite a lot (I realize it's been done off the network for some years now, but one of the Canadian tv stations has reruns on a couple times a week; plus I have 3 dvds of it here). And today I was watching the one where Foreman had Taub stay in his home temporarily to help him study for a test (something like that). I won't bore you with all of it so I'll just put the point next:
The point is, that after the goal was reached and Taub was leaving, Foreman invited him to stay with him at least until he found another place to live (when I think previously he was only "tolerating" Taub to help him study or something like that).
My rant is that I wish that something similar would happen with me. That someone (anyone) who doesn't especially like me maybe even considers me an "enemy" at worst or is irritated by me (at best) would take the time to get to know me and maybe a similar thing would happen.
It seems that I either have almost no friends and/or I made (or make) a lot of enemies. And even when I try as best as I know how to make (or try to) make amends to certain people, nothing positive happens. I can't force a relationship, I know that. I try (for a short time) - a "short time" ONLY because I don't want to be seen by a person (anyone) as harrassing them, so I don't. I am very sensitive to the thought or possibility of getting in trouble with the law and being charged with something. I have never been in trouble with the law (police), charged, arrested, or in jail or prison. And I don't want that to change. I'm not a "good" person, and I still believe I am going to "hell". That I don't think I'll ever be able to change because I don't have a job. That is the other thing. The old worry about that that I had in 1992 which caused my nervous breakdown and subsequent hospitalisation is rearing its ugly head psychologically in me again. I want desperately to make amends to all I've hurt or offended before I go "the way of all flesh" (or die I mean). I don't expect a relationship. I just want that I and other people (the ones I've offended) can reach some kind of understanding that I didn't mean to hurt/offend them. I've tried to as it were hold out the white handkerchief (even in here privately of course) but no dice. I've not named names publicly of course. I won't do that, so.... anyway *sigh* I am tres tres discouraged about all of this. The guilt over being unemployed is eating me alive!!!! I have no desire to be employed. I detest retail. I love cleaning. Trouble is, I don't have bona fide cleaning experience - I mean employed cleaning experience of course. My religious beliefs (sorry I know it's a sticky subject in here) hinder me as I don't work on the Sabbath and a lot of jobs require one to work the weekends, especially Saturday. I feel somewhat suicidal. I'm just saying. I know I can't really talk about that in here specifically. I know what I'm supposed to do, so... *sighs*. I'm just saying. I don't want to die. Why would I be in a hurry to die and then go into hellfire?! Of course I would not. I want to hold on to whatever years I have left to live. But the guilt is still killing me!!! I don't believe I am lazy. I do housework here. I vacuum. I mop. I dust. I wash clothes, even some by hand. When I was in the jobs I had (very few, but anyway...), both places I worked - the supervisors and others said I was a hard and/or fast worker. I even have a recommendation from the last place I worked fulltime saying I excelled on any work which requires attention to detail. I tried to get work online, like doing surveys (ugh) or typing stuff. But no dice. All that happened was I wasted hours of time jumping through their hoops and still no chance for work. I'm just ranting. Feel free not to read <lol what a time in this to say that eh?<*snorts@myself*. I just don't have a big desire to do anything at the moment. It's hard to say that to people, you know, in the out of online world. It seems to make one appear like they're<(myself I mean) lazy. I just wish it "could count" that I do housework. I don't mean count on the GDP. I mean count Spiritually so that I could escape hellfire. I believe it would "count" in my favour if I were married and my husband was the breadwinner. But I don't believe it counts when I'm by myself. It's very frustrating. But mostly discouraging because of the guilt and the fear. Even if I were today or tomorrow decide to renounce everything and become an athiest. For me, I just can't. It would take a lobotomy or shock treatment or something drastic for me to just say "there is no God". I know people have that belief and I respect that. That's why some I've favourited in here knowing they are athiests. Like I said on another post I've made. I am conservative minded and a "live and let live" person as far as other people's lives and opinions and beliefs are concerned. I've favourited, as I said before, people in here because I've found something I liked about each of them. Either because we like similar genre tv shows (i.e. scifi/trek); or because we like music; or because we are each musicians, songwriters or poets, etc., or because I can relate to them psychologically in some way (i.e. depression, anxiety, etc.); and so forth, etc. etc. etc. I know this is long. I am so high strung lately. I got only a few hours' sleep Friday night into Saturday morning which made for a very tired and sluggish time trying to keep Sabbath. Last night I slept somewhat better, not as many awakenings, and a bit more of a deeper sleep. I'm having nightmares also but I can't remember what the subject matter is in them. Sorry for the length of this. I want to say more, but I just can't remember what else it is I want to say.
I suppose I should put this on a new post, but I'll just "addendum" it here. I think all this Church Guilt stuff partly stems from the fact that in 1991 there was a ministerial change in wcg (the church I attended in 80s and early 90s). The first two ministers treated me wonderfully, and even the second of those two ministers had me in a "singles club" at the time (since I was in my 20s) along with other singles, which I enjoyed. Anyway, when they did the transferring of the second minister to Markham, Ontario; and the 3rd minister was brought in (from Zimbabwe), some of us speculated and wondered how he would approach us (members). Well he could be lavish in his praise, but, unfortunately equally lavish in his criticisms! At the time I was going to Community College in an Administrative Services Assistant (fancy name for secretary or office worker, etc.) and even then at a time when I was actually working towards an intended job or career, I felt guilty. I wrote this minister telling him of my discouragement, feeling like I was a "tare" (for those who don't know what I mean and want the info, it's a biblical expression that is somewhat negative). I was expecting him to either write me back or to telephone me; but instead he used 5 minutes at one of the Feast or Holy Days to talk to me. And when I needed to talk more (have more counseling and conversation about this), he cut me off, accusing me of taking up his time away from other church members). So here I was, trying to improve myself and do better vocationally, looking for some encouragement from a church minister, and he says THIS to me. So I hope this might give anyone reading my posts some insight (if anyone would like) as to why I am so Spiritually messed up. It seems as the saying goes I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
Sorry again about the very long post.