Diary

[matthewtheshyperson]

Ok so I'm just gonna use this thread as a way to sum up what's going on in my life, there probably won't be any structure to it, the posts will probably be quite long and it may be a bit random.

Ok that's all for now, thank you for reading :-)

[matthewtheshyperson]

I originally uploaded this to a different thread, but I thought it work better here. Just for context the second paragraph (starts with 'I kinda find...') is me talkign about how most of my friends are female (I know it's weird)



Ok just to warn you this is gonna be a long and random post with no real point, so it's not too important, but anyway onto the post...




I kinda find that alot of the boys I know are just inmature pricks, and are just a bit crazy and physical (well I guess that's just a typical stereotype for boys anyway) I'm just a pretty calm person and I hate being physical, I can just sit in the corner of a lesson and not talk for the whole hour. I just have nothing in common with anyone and it's really fraustraiting. I just can't seem to make any male friends. I thought maybe it'd be alright for that moving up to upper school, but so far I've only really made one proper friend (who is a girl of course, but she's the person I share the most interested with, but unfortunately she's already in a pretty big group, so the only social interactions we seem to get is talking in Skype and if we see each other between lessons). 

Ugh sometimes I wish you didn't have to have friends, this Breanda bs has been giving me a headache all week and I just want new friends really. I still wanna be friends with Susan, but Brenda I just wanna never see her again tbh. I've been felling pretty good socially so far this year, but now I seem to be going down the drain again, feeling unsatisfied and annoyed with myself, my freinds and my shyness. 

I'm kind of worried about getting into a relationship, since I've never been in one before, I just don't know what to do or how anything works.

On the plus side tho, someone said I had to go and see a mentor (about support because my brother had disibilities) (mentor is basically when you have to see a six form student who talks to you or supports you with whatever), and I was pretty damn nervous about this and I may of kinda exaggerated my cold to have a sick day so I didn't have to see them (I know thats pretty dumb, but I guess it's just me), however I've been in school days it was due to happen and nothings been mentioned about it, so I haven't had to go to a 1 to 1 with a six former, which is good I guess.

Anyway thanks so much for everyone's support, everyone's so nice and friendly in here! I'm sorry this post was so random and didn't really fit to the original theme of the thread, but alots been going through my head lately and I just needed to vent it all out. Thanks so much if you read all this you're a hero and it means so much to me! Ok bye! :-)

[matthewtheshyperson]

Oh I just realise I need to say who's who.

Brenda: Anoyinng girl who hangs out with us, who I pretend to like, but I actually hate

Susan:Closest friend, been freinds with her for a long time. Only reason I put up with Brenda.

Alex: Freind who Brenda hates, so I just pretend I'm not friends with her in front of her and Susan so I don't lose Susan as a friend. It's also rumoured that she has a crush on me.

Ok that's it for now (these aren't these people's real names btw) I'll introduce new people when it's relevant. Thanks for reading :-)

[matthewtheshyperson]

Ok well this was my week I guess,

It was pretty typical that the exact day after I originally posted about not having to do a 1 to 1 with a sixth form mentor, the day after it happend. It was very awkward since she wanted to know what I was having trouble with and answering questions like that isn't exactly my niche.

I've been talking alot to one of 2 friends that I've made after starting a new school(Its pathetic that I've only made 2 freinds after attending a new school for half the year). She's really nice (I'll call her Charlotte) we have the same personality type and enjoy the same music, but things go pretty slow since she seems pretty shy too so it kinda make things awkward at times (but it's good to have someone else who shy as a freind). I really want to date her, but I just need to get to know her better before I even think about asking her (It still probably won't be until the day before I die).

Brenda and Susan seem to be getting suspicious about me and Alex. Unfortunately, form is opposite there's so when I talk to her during form they can see me doing that and they keep questioning me on what we're taking about. Brenda also gave me explicit instructions not to date her today.

I've been kind of going out of my comfort zone recently, since Charlotte invited me to play some online games with some her friends, which involved joining a Skype call with 3 people I didn't know very well. It was kind of awkward since I was so paralysed by anxiety I sat on the call for about 10 minuetes without being able to speak, which they noticed, and I just kind of had to awkwardly say that I was cripilingly shy and had to sit on the call for ages before getting the confidence to talk. We did this again today and I was pretty comfortable with the whole thing actually!

Also today at school was a non- uniform day (I'm pretty sure most schools in America don't wear uniform, but in England most do). I HATE non- uniform days since they just make me feel anxious and self conscious about the clothes I'm wearing. I did expiriance quite a bit of self consciousness during the day, but nothing too bad.

Anyway, thats all I can remeber to write about now, thanks so much if you've read all this it means alot!!! Thanks again :-)

[matthewtheshyperson]

Also I did take a huge leap out of my comfort zone again the other day.

Susan was busy elsewhere during lunch the other day, and I one of my friends (I just realised I've made 3, not 2! Still pretty pathetic though) (let's call her Linda) talked to Me, I then decided to see if I could stay with her group for the rest of lunch (normally this wouldn't be something I'd do unless I was invited) and I thought maybe they didn't want me there, but to my surprise the next day Linda called me and asked if she wanted to hang out again! I was pretty surprise about this! So in the end it went really well!

I had to go to the doctors on Friday, which meant anxiety overload. I'd been an idiot and stubbed my toe on a door frame and almost broke it and also had ripped half of my toe off. I was pretty nervous tbh since I hadn't been to the doctors for ages, but she just poked my toe and said I needed antibiotics as a precaution in case it gets infected. However, she said I had to go for another appointment on Monday with a different doctor for my nail. The nail seemed better today, but my Mum is still making me go on Monday, I don't wanna look like I'm making a fuss out of nothing when I go on Monday now, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

Anyway thanks for reading :-)

[matthewtheshyperson]

It's been a while since I've posted here, but I guess this is what had happend.

I feel like Charlotte has started to blank me at school after half term, I don't know if she's just too shy to come talk to me, if she thinks I don't wanna be freinds, if she dosen't wanna be freinds or if she's just found better people to talk to. I'm sure it's fine, I'm probably being a bit paranoid to be honest.

I've been rehersing for a show recently, which means I can kind of say I have a life outside of looking at my phone. I guess I can pretend I'm being social. Most of the people there are huge extroverts though (which is to be expected) and it kind of makes me feel pretty intimidated, but it's fine since I can just hang around with another group and I kind of made freinds with this guy, I'll call him Sam.

So I guess things are going alright for me at the moment, I gotta stop writing now anyway it's getting late. Thanks for reading, it means alot to me that you've taken the time to read through these paragraphs of me moaning about my life

[matthewtheshyperson]

It's a been a while since I've posted on SU, but I'd like to say that my anxiety has improved and I'm being alot more social.

I went on holiday to China the other week which was a crazy expiriance. It did kind of help me though, since I got stared at quite a bit for being one of the only westerners there. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, but as soon as I acknowledged the fact that I was never going to see these people in my life again, it kind of eased the pain.

Social life has been pretty good, I'm not going to talk about specific people (since I've kind of forgotten the fake names I made for them lol), but I've been kind of active talking people I know from school online and even maybe made a few more freinds, which is pretty impressive for me.

Overall, things seem to improving, I know that I'm never going to get over my shynes, but that's ok I guess. Of course if you've read all of this, you're amazing thanks

[ShyBorg]

Apr 26, 2018 17:04:21 GMT -5 matthewtheshyperson said:

It's a been a while since I've posted on SU, but I'd like to say that my anxiety has improved and I'm being alot more social.

    That’s great to hear 👍🏻

[matthewtheshyperson]

May 1, 2018 19:10:09 GMT -5 ShyBorg said:

Apr 26, 2018 17:04:21 GMT -5 matthewtheshyperson said:

It's a been a while since I've posted on SU, but I'd like to say that my anxiety has improved and I'm being alot more social.

    That’s great to hear 👍🏻

Thank you shyborg

[matthewtheshyperson]

It's been a while, but I feel like I'm slipping back into anxiety again unfortunately. I had a bad day for it on Tuesday where I did a task in Spanish where we had cards with either a Spanish or English word on them and one person in the class had to call out a word on there card and the person with the translation had to call it out and if it was wrong it has to start agian. I suppose it'd be ok if you knew what the word meant, but I didn't so I got extremely nervous and when it was my word there was a long awkward pause as I didn't know if it was mine and I didnt want to restart the game so I did day it, but it was too quiet and nobody heard and then when people found out it was me I was given greif. This made me very nervous and I had to take a second to calm down after and then got told off for not doing the work :/. Then in English the teacher announced it was group work and my freind who I normally pair up with was ill, I normally would very nervously go up to a group and ask to join, but for some reason I just felt physically unable to and I just kind of awkwardly sat next to a group until the task was over and then sat down when I as questioned by the teacher as to what group I was in and I didn't know what to say so I just went I don't know and was forced into another group I felt so embarasrd and nervous, but it was completely my fault.

I don't know what happend but I've randomly just been getting nervous or anxious at random times ever since I'm not quite sure what happend.

Also today we did a presentation in science where were the teacher doing the lesson and another group was using lollipop sticks (written with names on to randomly select a student) and it was me, but they paused and read the stick and laughed before reading my name out which idk why they did, but I found it quite rude. Then last lesson I had another presentation where I was pressured by someone in the group to write faster and then when it was time to present I was moaned at by him when he couldn't read my writing and was later told my spelling was like a 4 year old. The presentation was a complete disaster and made me look like an idiot in front of the class yet again. Oh yeah and to finish it off someone flicked loads of water onto me while I was in a toilet cubical for absolutely no reason.

Idk why I keep on feeling anxiety as it's starting to concern me as it's for no reason, I just don't want to start feeling depressed agian.

Thanks for reading anyway if you got this far

[Outcast]

Its only natural to feel that way when you feel embarassed. I dont really know how to fight that feeling to shy away. I always sucumb to hiding myself from people in general. Maybe try to keep yourself busy to keep your mind from thinking negative thoughts. Its a temporary form of escape. But its the only thing i can think of. Hope you dont get depressed again.

[matthewtheshyperson]

Jun 29, 2018 0:16:21 GMT -5 Outcast said:

Its only natural to feel that way when you feel embarassed. I dont really know how to fight that feeling to shy away. I always sucumb to hiding myself from people in general. Maybe try to keep yourself busy to keep your mind from thinking negative thoughts. Its a temporary form of escape. But its the only thing i can think of. Hope you dont get depressed again.

Thank you, I'll remeber this next time I get into a similar situation.

[matthewtheshyperson]

Um... So is it bad that I've only been on summer break for a week and I'm already worrying/ dreading school which isn't for another 5 weeks.

So the thing is, the school I go to is pretty big and has about 1,600 students with 400 being in my year. Because of this the year is split into 3 sections meaning you'll only have lessons with the people in your section. I basically spent all of last year getting to know everyone in my section, but I know literally no one in the other sections and I find out on the last week of school that next year they're changing round almost everyone into different sections, which now means I'm gonna be having lessons with people I don't know yet again for the second year in a row, which is always fun and anxiety enducing for me. Oh well it could be worse, I'm just too paranoid.

[matthewtheshyperson]

I also had a kind of nightmare about school a few nights ago. However, I'm on holiday now and I feel much more relaxed about it all.

[ShyBorg]

School must be in by now, how has that been going for you?