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Post by spiridon1980 on Sept 3, 2003 15:32:58 GMT -5
I am a 22-year old male medical student and I believe that my shyness is not natural. My dad and my brother are both very outgoing and my mom is not very shy either, and neither are most of my relatives, so I believe genetics has nothing to do with it. I became shy by being subjected to humiliation in public since early in life. It all started with kindergarten - a place where people are first exposed to the society. I am originally from Ukraine, and I went to kindergarten and elementary school during Soviet times, when everyone was expected to act the same and difference was not tolerated. I was very small, weak and scrawny and thus was subjected by constant humiliation from other kids and the teacher. The teacher was a sadistic bitch who shouldn't be let within a mile from children. She always picked on me for any small thing I did and punished me very brutally. Even though those punishments were never physical, their psychological effect was devastating. For example, when I put my shoes on wrong, she said she would chop my legs off and switch them places (for her it was a joke of course, but imagine how it felt for a 5-year-old!) Once I accidentally wet my pants, and since then she made it a habit to feel my underwear (yes, FEEL, while it was still on me!) during every quiet hour, and if there was any sign of wetness she made me take it off and march butt-naked through the entire row of beds with the other kids watching to put it on the drying radiator. Once I was afraid to climb the rope, and she put me in front of the entire class and said "Everybody, look, we have a new girl in class!" The humiliation was immense. Then my teacher told my parents every day about how bad I was, with me listening. I never complained to them about my teacher mistreating me, because I thought she did it because something was wrong with me, I was a very bad boy, that's why she felt the need to pick on me constantly. And my parents trusted everything the teacher said and scolded me even more. Now they apologize and say that they were young back then and I was their first child. I believe them - they are actually great parents.
When I went to first grade, the first thing I did was to find a dsk far behind the room with nobody sitting with me. From the kindergarten I carried the notion that I'm a bad kid, I need to always be nice, and other kids were already associated with humiliation. School did nothing to ameliorate my shyness, if anything - it worsened my shyness even further. Even when I moved to the US, when people are much friendlier, my shyness is still there.
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Post by Naptaq on Sept 6, 2003 3:37:46 GMT -5
u know it's hard to say if it's genetic or not.. well im not sure about my shyness either. i dunno is it cus of the genes or for other bad things that happened to me...
im tryin' to get rid of my shyness to but i dunno how..
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Post by glenn miller on Sept 6, 2003 6:39:32 GMT -5
yea it is hard to say what it is. i dont know if mine is. because when i was younger i was picked on all the time. for the way i talked. and other things. so i know how u feel. i would like to hear from u.
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Post by spiridon on Sept 6, 2003 22:29:16 GMT -5
You see, I don't want to avoid groups: if anything, I would very much like to be among other people. But it always seems like other people don't like me. When they appear to be friendly, I subconsciously assume that they are just being polite, and, in fact, they dream of getting rid of me as soon as possible. I know that this is irrational, but when sometimes I say a stupid thing in public or somebody makes a negative comment about me (even jokingly), the "everyone is against me, I am disgusting, stupid and ridiculous" notion immediately flashes in my head. Also I always get reprimanded for my shyness, which unfortunately makes me even more shy. Like when people say "Come on, you need to take the initiative" or willingly make me the center of attention by asking "what do you think about it, Spiridon?" while talking about a topic that I am not interested in for that moment, just because I don't say anything.
I am also very young-looking, and people constantly remind me about it. Not directly, though, for example they sometimes think I am the younger brother while I am in fact the older of two. When I was 20 and worked as a cashier, my boss and other coworkers repeatedly kept asking me if I am over 18. When I said I was, they looked surprized and said "Really?" It hurts, because I am a mature adult who wants to be treated as such. Besides, women like men who look older and more respectable. I don't know what to do about it - take steroids or grow a beard? But I am afraid that will make me look more ridiculous. If none of these things happened, I don't think I would be shy at all.
I'm glad I can find people on this website who understand my feelings.
Glenn, what is your contact information? Please be aware of the fact that I am a medical student now, so if I don't talk to you for a week or two, I am not unfriendly - just busy. But I will keep in touch with you whenever I can.
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Post by glenn miller on Sept 7, 2003 9:09:01 GMT -5
u can email me at tantrum23hb@yahoo.com.
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Post by angelka on Sept 17, 2003 4:10:41 GMT -5
I don't know. I've thought about this alot myself. My dad is by nature, I believe very shy. (Though he comes across as a "tough guy" and a smart ass...think Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it Gets.")
He was also pretty rude to me, I couldn't count how many times he's rolled his eyes at something I've said like I'm the biggest idiot in the world...even to this day!
But, then again, let's just admit it, I was a nerd in school. And, most certainly, I was treated as such. Someone else posted about picking teams in elementary school...oh yeah, I was always last. I can even remember once in the 3rd grade, a couple of guys actually arguing over who HAD to take me on their team. It is hurtful, but now a huge joke with me and my brother who also shared the horror of the choosing of teams in school. (God I hope they don't make kids go through that anymore!!)
Then, there were those bitches in high school! Oh, I remember those bitches!! The pretty cheerleaders with the football player boyfriends, the homecoming queens who never wore the same outfit twice...EVER, who should have felt fine about themselves, but decided it would make them feel even better about themselves to put the losers down...me being a loser.
Oh, and just a side note on the bitches in high school...I'm 30 now, and the other day I ran into one of those girls. And, well, I'll just say it...she was sooooo FAT!!! I had a brief moment of insane cruelty, where I wanted to approach her and say, "OH MY GOSH!!! Aren't you so and so? Oh, I thought so but sheesh!! You've put on soooo much weight since high school I barely recognized you!!!!!" (but i didn't).
Anyways, the whole point of all of this is really, who knows what causes shyness? And really, what the hell difference does it make anyway? I really don't see what difference it makes what causes it, in fact I really think it can do more harm than good. if you believe it's genetic and you decide to try and be a little more outgoing....couldn't it cause you to think, "Oh, well, I'm probably screwed anyway. I was born this way so there's no way it can ever be changed.'
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Post by Boglin on Sept 21, 2003 0:07:24 GMT -5
Spirdon:
I kind of know where you're coming from on the looking young problem. While it's not that pronounced due to my relative youth, I can still get mistaken for a high school sophmore. That wouldn't bother me so much except I'm a college senior. Nothing like volunteering at the high school and having some 15 year old try and pull rank on you.
However, I prefer to think that I'll get the last laugh. Yeah, I look like a high school kid now, but, in eight years, when all the other guys are getting fat and bald, maybe I'll look like a college guy.
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Post by Boglin on Sept 21, 2003 0:12:55 GMT -5
Angelka:
I'd like to add a bit of defense for those of us who look at it genetically. This view mostly comes from having other, physical, medical conditions. There are certain things that I cannot do and will never be able to do, many of them involving my left arm. However, I just try to do as much as I can and, when I find something that I just can't do, I remind myself that it's just a problem with my arm.
I try to see shyness the same way. In my case it probably is genetic (I've had family members on both sides institutionalized for anxiety disorders). So, no, I don't think I'm ever going to be "not shy". However, I do try and work as best as I can and remind myself. When I fail, that I'm not working on an even playing field, so occasional set backs are to be expected.
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Post by spitzig1 on Sept 22, 2003 16:49:18 GMT -5
Just because you've got a family history of anxiety disorders doesn't mean that that history is due to genetics. It's quite possible your family "does some stuff" that results in this. I tend to think that at least one major factor in my shyness was the low self-esteem I picked up as a kid. Enhancing this was that my mother was shy and father pretty introverted. Didn't really get to see a lot of examples of social interaction with them that didn't involve family. So, I didn't have that way to learn about it.
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Post by Boglin on Sept 22, 2003 17:36:24 GMT -5
Spitzig:
I concur with you that environment certainly played a factor. There were probably several things that I could have done earlier in life that would have left me not as shy as I am. I grew up in a neighborhood that didn't have many kids, so I pretty well learned to just entertain myself. Plus, my parents didn't really have too many friends themselves, so it was a pretty closed group. This undoubtedly played a large role in my shyness
However, this doesn't mean that it was an exclussive factor. After all, the adopted members of the family tend to be more outgoing than the ones related by blood. Also, I believe that twin studies have shown that children of introverted parents adopted by extroverts still turn out more introverted than the extrovert's natural children (of course, I've not taken anything past Psych 120, so this could be horribly mistaken).
I'm not saying that environment plays no role in the process; that idea would just be to depressing. Environment has to play some role if I ever hope to get better (which I do). However, I do believe that there is a genetic affinity that effects how easy it will be.
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Post by spitzig on Sept 22, 2003 23:54:13 GMT -5
Introversion and shyness are also not the same thing. I'd expect that extroversion and shyness would conflict more and either be more troublesome or help one get over shyness, though. I've seen no scientific studies or anything indicating a correlation, so I've no idea whether that guess has any basis in reality.
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Post by rammsteinrainbow on Oct 15, 2003 4:15:13 GMT -5
I totally understand the whole looking young thing. I'm 20, and I'm only 4ft11 tall! Shop assistants are so patronizing and I always get them asking me why I'm not in school. Thats when I whip out my provisional driving licence and uni id card. I had a teacher when I was eight who always belittled me. Affected me ever since. I cant talk in public and never ask for help when i need it in class.
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Post by NewOrleansLady on Oct 27, 2003 1:33:34 GMT -5
While my family is on the quiet side I wouldn't consider any of them shy. I, however, was painfully shy as a child. I overcame it, though I was still quiet, only to go back into my shyness after realizing how unloyal people that I considered "friends" could be. If I don't like a person, I just won't associate with them. Never would I pretend to be their friend only to talk sh*t behind their back.
I'm an outdoorsy person and have too much energy for my own good, so I like to spend my free time doing physical activities. Because of this I also have to deal with girls who think I'm a bit*h, and get treated as such, because I have a fairly nice figure and don't talk much. Many times I've considered being lazy and letting myself go just so girls would be nicer to me but, that just makes me depressed which in turn would make me even more shy. If only I were mentally strong enough to say, "fu*k the world" ...
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Post by Anonymouse on Nov 6, 2003 4:33:53 GMT -5
I don't know if you can say that shyness is totally due to enviornment or it's all herditary. I guess that why scientist still fighting over the nature verses nurturer debate. Being shy all my life I can total reflect on what you say and I think my self esteem and enviornment has really been a major impact. I think though that society in general makes shyness out to be such a bad quality. Also some elementry teachers can be brutal. Mine used to pick on me as well. Also on the note of looking young for your age. I get hit on by boys of a local middle school and asked if i'm ditching class all the time and i'm currently a college sophmore student. It's really humiliating.
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Post by Huntress on Nov 6, 2003 6:16:24 GMT -5
Hey guys,
just ambled on you lot when I was checking the EUSA boards.
I think tis great that you're all able to share stuff..sometimes its easier to write stuff down than talk about it face to face.
School was shit..I used to self harm to the point where I tried to commit suicide, but being too drunk failed. I now have permenant scars, and every time I look at them it makes me remember how bad things were.
But I'm using it in a positive way, I'm not going to let other people walk over me, take advantage, say bad stuff or bully me in any way. It stops right now.
My confidence levels have grown, from not being able to speak in class to being a postgrad rep! I used to think all the bad things, but something's changed. I'm just not interested in other people's opinions of me and what I do. Life is too short.
But I do have a bit of a quandry...positively thinking, I'm doing well but I'm unable to form friendships with anyone. If I had to write down a list of 5 friends I wouldn't be able to.
Anyone got any ideas?
Cheers
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