hey im back

[Chris2208]

hey im not really new, i use to be here awhile ago but got busy and now im back, remember i had the problem with comming up with things to talk about, well i still do sometimes, but somehow i got two girls to like me and all i need is just to talk to them more but i still can never come up with stuff to talk about

[Twice-Shy]

Good to see you back, Chris. I know what you mean about struggling sometimes to find things to say.

[CaryGrant]

Hey Chris, welcome back! In "Shyness," Bernardo Carducci says that shy people struggle greatly with "small talk." We tend to be bad at at, think it is stupid and either get stuck at a very superficial level (lovely weather, isn't it?), or plunge too deeply too quickly. Certainly these have been my problems.

So, what to say to these girls? Here's what Carducci says confident people do:

1. Setting talk: brief, consists of remarks about surroundings. Eg, "It's stuffy in here," "Nice weather," etc. Has to be brief because it is "devoid of intimate information." (Many shy people never get past this stage.)

2. Name exchange: do it early. The longer you wait, the more awkward it becomes.

3. Pretopical: Confident people "fish around" for something to talk about. Eg: "What's your profession?" "How do you know our host?" If one of these does not work out, a confident person tries a different topic. Note: the topic must be relevant to the conversation, and it must be sensitive to the other person. As a guy, for example, talking about your prostate troubles is just not on - unless you are both in the urologist's office and the other person seems interested.

4. Taking turns: you share, they share. You ask about them, they ask about you.

5. Banishing silences: Confident people fill gaps in conversation by "playing host." They ask open-ended questions or start a new topic.

6. Self-disclosure: Confident people match the other person's level of self-disclosure. This makes the relationship "more intimate and rewarding." Ie, if the other guy talks about his prostate worries, you talk about something equally intimate.

Hope this helps. If you can't think of anything to talk about, redo 3-5 to find topics of common interest, and don't forget to make the questions open-ended. For example, "What makes X your favorite band," or "How has your day gone?" Some people have a knack for turning even open-ended questions into dead-ends, though, which means either they are not interested in you or they are shy and lack social skills. If you are always carrying the conversation, you may want to assume the former.