Talking in groups

[Placido]

I've been making progress with one-on-one conversations, and quite a lot of it.

But I just can't seem to get going in a group of people - I feel low down the pecking order, with less right to speak, and with little to say.

I feel like if I can't come up with something incredibly witty or interesting, then I should just shut up. Which is stupid, because 90% of what everyone else says isn't exactly Oscar Wilde, but that doesn't stop them saying it.

This feels like something I should be tackling in small stages, as I have been everything else, but even the smallest step I can think of (ie saying anything at all!) seems like a big leap.

Actually I feel like I've plateaued a bit with the whole shyness thing - I'm much better than I was in September, but most of the progress was made in the first month or two, and since then I've just been consolidating.

[EdgedInBlue]

I'm the same way when it comes to group conversations. With women and girls, it's a lot of gossip...this person and their boyfriend, "you'll never guess what she/he did", that kind of a thing. Not only am I out of the loop but I really just don't care for such conversations. Not that I'd rather be discussing Nathaniel Hawthorne or Wall Street, but I do find one on one conversations to be more interesting and comfortable.

[glenn miller]

your right. i have it easer with one on one to. better the a group.

[Alecto]

I'm the same way most of the time. I can handle myself pretty well in one on one conversations, because I force myself to say something so there won't be this strange silence. However in groups theres already a lot of chattering going on and I feel I would say something stupid, or would have nothing to contribute to the conversation

[Placido]

Partly it's the fact that it's easy to stay quiet - there's little pressure to say anything, so it takes more of an act of will to contribute.

[Shylurker]

Yeah Placido I agree with a lot of things you say.

I just get really shy in groups. And the worst thing of all is when you have someone, like in one of my classes there was this mega-bitch who for some reason enjoyed the fact that I was shy and nervous, who makes you be the object of attention. And challenges all things said.

Even if things they have said, you have already thought of. And they definetly are no Oscar Wilde either. I grew a strong resentment for this person, if I see her now, my stomach turns.

I feel sorry for people like that though. The only way they can feel good about themselves is to highlight other peoples weaknesses and get that person at their weakness.

That is what is referred to as someone with no mercy. And I'm a f-ed up individual, but not that f-ed up. Oops I think I just did what a said I hated. Add hypocrite to my list of issues.

[CaryGrant]

Placido - like you, I feel I've made good progress but have recently plateaued. Or, more accurately, the noticeable progress has slowed. However, consolidation can be good, as you make new habits and behaviors part of who you are, rather than a stretch.

I have found two things with groups:

1. There are some that are hard to fit into because they're not a good match for my values. After listening for awhile, I leave.

2. Other groups I do want to participate in, but it takes a bit of time to be accepted. I listen first, and pay attention to who else is quiet. Then, when I want to jump in, I start by laughing at something I think is funny, or simply making an affirmative-type comment when I agree with something. That helps to get me a bit more in the flow of the conversation.

Finally I say something, generally careful not to make it a big contradiction of what someone else has said or that the group clearly believes. (Obviously this only works with groups whose values you share.) I don't aim for brilliance, though I may go for wit. Perhaps a small suggestion or joke, or a question to clarify.

And I absolutely stop myself thinking I didn't do it right. Everybody messes up, and I won't let one social mistake stop me.

[Placido]

I need to speed my brain up - I keep thinking of things to say 2 seconds too late!

But I'm disciplining myself to say at least one thing in every group situation, no matter how banal it seems.

[Boblouie58]

Placido- you are not alone in talking to people in groups. When at a function/party I usually look around the room to see what "the lay of the land" is like; small groups, larger groups, 2 people talking, people standing by themselves, etc.
If I see someone by themselves I usually approch them and start a conversation or once I greet them they start one. In fact, we both may stand there and not say anything but look around the room.
Many places I don't see any good opportunities to engage in conversation and yes, I do walk toward a group and do just listen. Most of the time, a conversation going on is not anything I care to discuss, but sometimes it allows for me to interject my opinion or my observation.
Who says my opinion is a good one or not? In conversations...its similar to a dating situation..you listen and then try to say something to either complete the conversation of to make the conversation more lively.

Parties and functions are mainly done to allow people to meet others, to engage in conversations, the list is endless. I try to go and have a good time, be it talking at all or just enjoying the "host or hostess".

If all of us whether shy or not didn't go out into the world and try different things and do different things...wouldn't it be an absolutely bore!

[Placido]

Placido - like you, I feel I've made good progress but have recently plateaued. Or, more accurately, the noticeable progress has slowed. However, consolidation can be good, as you make new habits and behaviors part of who you are, rather than a stretch.

This is true - sometimes you know you've made progress not so much because of something you did, but how you felt about doing it. Today I found myself in the lift with a colleague, and it seemed to be the easiest thing in the world to strike up a bit of small talk. A couple of months ago, I might have done exactly the same thing, but it would have seemed a lot more of an effort.

Anyway, it's time to raise the bar a little, and start pushing myself again, I think.