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Post by Shypuppy17 on Feb 20, 2004 17:22:25 GMT -5
I was wondering if anybody ever felt left out because they are quiet and shy. A few years ago, a group of people from school all planned to go out. These people talked to me but I wasn't real close, and it didn't help I was a commuter student to the university. When they were making their plans, they didn't even ask me to come along. I was deeply hurt. I would of loved to go out and had some fun but I'd feel funny inviting myself. Its not like I'm ugly. I'm an attractive women. I feel like I was left out because I'm quiet.
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Post by Alecto on Feb 20, 2004 18:25:59 GMT -5
That has happened to me quiet often. I'll be with a group, and they'll make plans and not invite me. I think its because of my shyness also
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Post by glenn miller on Feb 20, 2004 22:43:55 GMT -5
the same with me. people usually leave me out to beacuse i am shy. i am not the kind of peson to ask if i can do some thing with them.
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Post by Placido on Feb 20, 2004 23:21:15 GMT -5
No-one hates you because you're shy, but they can forget about you...
Maybe these people assumed 'everyone' was invited, and they didn't need to ask people individually - perhaps a lot of the non-shy people weren't asked specifically, but never had any doubt that anyone would mind if they turned up.
When people at work organise a pub lunch, I don't wait to be asked (though I used to) - I just come along.
A good plan is to ask a couple of questions about the event (eg, 'So where's this happening?', or 'What does it cost to get in?' etc) - it's a subtle way of making it known that you'd like to come. And if the vibes are good from the person you ask (and they may well say something like "you're coming? cool!" ), then that gives you more confidence to just turn up.
I've learnt, in retrospect, in most cases I've been left out either because a) people thought that a quiet chap like me wouldn't be up for a night out or b) I just got overlooked and was never un-invited. Looking back, I don't think people ever really hated my company!
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max
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Post by max on Feb 21, 2004 1:17:22 GMT -5
You were left out because you were quiet. If you don't talk, people might think you aren't interested in them and not invite you.
You won't be invited to do as many things if you don't speak up and let your presence be known. That's just a fact of life. And most of the time it's ok to invite yourself to social events, and Placido's suggestions are great ways to do that.
Although, quite honestly, depending on the situation, I really think a blatant 'can I come?' is great too.. it's ballsy and lets people know for sure you are interested in doing things with them.
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Post by ASolitarySoul on Feb 22, 2004 2:10:31 GMT -5
I was wondering if anybody ever felt left out because they are quiet and shy. A few years ago, a group of people from school all planned to go out. These people talked to me but I wasn't real close, and it didn't help I was a commuter student to the university. When they were making their plans, they didn't even ask me to come along. I was deeply hurt. I would of loved to go out and had some fun but I'd feel funny inviting myself. Its not like I'm ugly. I'm an attractive women. I feel like I was left out because I'm quiet. That’s surprising - normally attractive women have no problem with guys asking them out - shy or otherwise. Are you in a relationship? I started a few threads about this matter several months ago: [Misfit] tinyurl.com/2unwdtinyurl.com/2zsqqIs this the only time you’ve ever been “excluded” from a social function like this? If so, then you should consider yourself to be very fortunate. Solitary Soul all about me -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/-------------------------------------------------------- |
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Post by mere phantom on Feb 22, 2004 22:21:54 GMT -5
im always left out, i just learned not to expect anything
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Post by Shypuppy17 on Feb 23, 2004 14:13:37 GMT -5
I did try to initiate a socially outing with that group of students who excluded me but they all seemed "to have plans." I figured they don't want to be bothered with me, why should I kiss up to them. I stopped talking to them and moved on because people like that aren't worth being friends with.
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Post by EdgedInBlue on Feb 23, 2004 16:31:42 GMT -5
First of all, if they don't plan to invite you to an event, why on earth were they discussing it in your presence?!
I've had this happen to me quite a bit. It's rude, its unfair and it's hurtful but people like that don't deserve your companionship anyway.
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Post by CaryGrant on Feb 24, 2004 10:24:37 GMT -5
Warning: Long story alert! Some months ago, I was sitting at a table with two women that a new acquaintance I had just met had introduced me to. (He claimed to be a formerly shy person who now had no social fears, so he was going to help me. A few days later he was locked up in the psych ward.) Anyway, these two women knew each other, the guy had gone off, and I had hit it off quite well with one of the women. However, at one point they were talking about going to a movie later that night and they did not invite me. I was, of course, hurt, and, of course, said nothing.  Later, the one I hit it off with asked if I wanted to go to the movie, and I asked why they didn't mention it when they were talking about it earlier. She replied that she assumed I would invite myself. Moral of the story: Confident, assertive, outgoing, decent people won't talk about social events in front of you unless they are ok with you asking if you can come. YOu can do so by saying something like, "That sounds like fun," or "Can I come?" This is obvious to confident, assertive, etc. people, not-so-obvious to shy people. If they do talk about social events that you are not welcome to, then they are the social retards. |
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Mar 2, 2004 13:57:59 GMT -5
If I am left out, but I usual choose not to anticipate. I don't feel connected to the people or subjects, frequent.
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lyn
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Post by lyn on Mar 2, 2004 19:16:41 GMT -5
I also felt excluded and left out when people around me used to talk about social events in front of me. I used to wonder why I was being rejected, I have actually learnt something from reading these replies, if only I knew that back then. Often wondered why I was never included but then again, I was very quiet and withdrawn, maybe they thought I wasn't interested.
Like Placido said make it obvious that you are interested by asking simple questions like when and where, time then they know you are interested. If for some they still don't you to come and are making plans to go out in front of you then they aren't really very good friends and aren't worth losing sleep over.
Like Shypuppy said I was excluded from their plans but it never even occurred to me, to ask for more details or to even invite myself. I looked at it the negative way like I'm not good enough to be seen with them and felt like I had been rejected. I also moved on from that group and turned into a loner overnight as I felt I wasn't good enough to be around them.
I have come to regret this as I have gone downhill from there and now I have got no social skills, shake when I meet people for the first time and am constantly thinking that I will be rejected again. I am currently working on building my self confidence and self esteem up so that I no longer feel like this.
If you want to go out with them take the chance and let them know that you are interested, you have got nothing to lose, and it will let them know that you are interested in doing things with them as well.
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