Too shy to ask a girl out

[shyguy1976]

I'm new to this sort of thing so be gentle with me please!!! ;0)

There is a Girl at work who I have fancied like mad for ages but I'm too shy to do anything about it.
I know the obvious answer is ask her out but the trouble is she is very shy too and I can't tell if she like me or not
.
When we talk one on one we have a laugh and even flirt a little but when she is around me with other people there she ignores me and turns away from me.
I'am confused does she like me but is too shy to show it around other people or is she just not intrested and trying to give me a hint.
Any advise would be gratefully received as its doing my head in !!!
Cheers

[sushiboat]

She likes you. The question is whether she thinks of you as just a friend or as a potential boyfriend. Can you give us more details about how you interact when you are alone with her? What are some examples of the flirting? Is she touching you at all?

I wouldn't worry about the way she acts in a group. A shy guy like you isn't likely to be the center of attention in that setting.

[CaryGrant]

One shy person makes figuring things out very difficult; two shy people...aye carumba. Still, if you are sensing interest, she almost certainly is interested in some way. As sushi asks, can you provide more details about the flirting part?

One way to 'test the waters' is to mention an event that you are both interested in, and see how she responds. Examples of things you could say:

- "Did you hear that Band X is coming to town? I'm going to see them."
- "Have you seen the Egyptian museum exhibit? I hear it's really good, and I'm thinking of going."

What you're doing is offering her a chance to say something like, "Oh, I would love to see Band X/that exhibit." You have NOT asked her out, and she has NOT asked herself out with you. But...she has pretty much said she would go with you to Band X/that exhibit.

At this point, you ask her out without asking her out on a DATE, by saying something like, "I'd love to have someone to go with, would you like to go Saturday afternoon?" (So far, it's just two friends going to do something together; what happens when you get together is up to you.)

Ideally, she responds by saying "Sure!" or with a counter-offer such as "I'm busy Saturday, but how about Monday evening?" If she just says "I'm busy Saturday," you have a choice to make. Either she wants to go out with you but is too shy/socially inept to realise she needs to signal so by counter-offering, or she doesn't want to go out with you. (This is why I don't date shy girls. Hypocritical of me, I know.)

Let me know if this was at all helpful, because it took awhile to type...

[shyguy1976]

Thanks for taking the time to reply guys I do appreciate it. Both been a great help.

U wanted more details on how we interact. Normal its ethier during a break when we'll chat about work (nothing too thrilling) or its when she'll phone me for some help or come over for my help. She does ask quite alot but then she'll ask other people for help too.
But this is when we really start clicking. She'll ask me to help with something, I'll start to tease her about not knowing the answer herself (playfully mind I don't mean it nastly). I'll Try and sort her problem out, often making her laugh with some glib remake at the same time. Then if we're not too busy she'll move the subject onto something outside work and we'll chat for a while until the bosses start moaning. I sometime chuck in the odd jokey(although underneath I mean it) remake about how pretty she is which always makes her laugh but I'm not sure if she knows I mean it or if she thinks i'm taking the piss.
However last couple of time I have made coments about how beautiful shes looked, she's groaned or said something like "here we go again". Now I'm not sure if this was a hint to back off or if she likes it and is just playing along.
I like CaryGrant suggestion about testing the water and I think I'll give that a go.

[sushiboat]

Yes, try CaryGrant's low risk approach.

For future reference, kissing ass with compliments (about beauty or anything) can be a real turn-off. You were better off teasing her about needing help. Have you ever seen a woman punch a guy on the arm for teasing her, and she is half-laughing as she does it? That's your goal. Make everything a game, challenge her, keep her on her toes, and make her laugh.

[CaryGrant]

I totally, completely, and utterly agree with sushi's comment about compliments=ass-kissing. I have turned many, many women off by trying to suck up in this way. It reeks of low confidence, because you're basically looking for reassurance from the woman that she likes you.

You don't need to TELL a woman you find her attractive if you're SHOWING her with your behaviour (meaning you're with her, not that you're sucking up by insisting on paying for dinner, buying her flowers, catering to her every whim, etc.).

I really do believe that women test men for confidence so they know if you're a worthy match. A man attempts to buy love using compliments, attention, money, etc., will be perceived as less confident and worthy. This is why 'bad boys' get women, but good guys can do it, too, if they're secure in themselves. And, unlike the bad boys, we can KEEP a woman and truly make her happy.

[shyguy1976]

1st off I'd want to thank both sushiboat and carygrant very much for taking the time to reply and the great advise they have given me.


However I'm sorry to say that I have just found out the girl in question doesn't think of me in the same way I think of her. In fact the dreaded I like u as a friend line was used. Which is not too bad as I never wanted to loose her friendship in the 1st place.

Oh well I'm not as cut up as I thought I would be and have gained great experence and confidence from all of this which I can use next time I find someone I fancy. I truely believe I can learn from the mistakes and hopefully get more luck next time.

The major problem I feel is I had liked this girl for an age without doing anything about it. When I did decide to go for it it was too late the damage was done, I was using the wrong tactics for too long and was too far down the "friends" road.

The one major tip I would pass on to every shy guy out there is if you like a girl let her know as soon as (easier said then done I know). But whats the worst that could happen she don't feel the same way, a few days hurt is better than wasting 6 months watching the same girl from the shadows where she can't see you. Life is too short.

Talk to her, make her laugh, make eye contact and above all be confident (even if the very thought makes you want to reach). Remember she's not gonna come to you. So your gonna have to put in the leg work.
At the end of the day its not the end of the world if a girl rejects u, sure it hurts like hell but your still in there fighting . Just think you could have been one of those poor people in Russia or worse that could have been one of your kids!! See my point.

If your not very confident around women then practise. Challenge yourself to talk to x amount of women in a week. Then to make x amount of women laugh a day.
Women you go to work with, go to school with, see on the bus everday etc You don't have to fancy them and your not trying to pull them but its all about leaning to start converstions (about nothing really), being natural and confident around women. The next trick is to transfer this to women you fancy.


Another thing I've learnt is not to over think things. In fact turn your brain off completly. Act don't think.

Sorry if I gone on too much but it has helped me to get this all of my chest. I hope it helps someone else out there.

To all shyguys out there stay positive and above all remember women out there deserve us rather than the bastard they usaully go for, as CareyGrant saids
"Good guys can do it, too, if they're secure in themselves. And, unlike the bad boys, we can KEEP a woman and truly make her happy. "
And at the end of the day If she says no its her lose not ours.

[CaryGrant]

Glad to hear you tried - as you said, it was a learning experience. And now you can ask her for advice with other women! This was very well said:

The one major tip I would pass on to every shy guy out there is if you like a girl let her know as soon as (easier said then done I know). But whats the worst that could happen she don't feel the same way, a few days hurt is better than wasting 6 months watching the same girl from the shadows where she can't see you. Life is too short.

[stealth]

really sorry to hear bout that shyguy.

The one major tip I would pass on to every shy guy out there is if you like a girl let her know as soon as (easier said then done I know). But whats the worst that could happen she don't feel the same way, a few days hurt is better than wasting 6 months watching the same girl from the shadows where she can't see you. Life is too short.

this applies to me very much, but after reading this i think i realise i gotta talk to the gal at my work coz we get on in a way and i think she's got an idea that i like her so i guess its time to get the courage and ask her.
thanks for writing that and sry it didnt work out for u.

[shyguy1976]

Cheers Stealth

U should so go for it, at the very least it will get it out in the open. Which I can tell you feels sooooo much better than keeping it to yourself. (yes even if u get knocked back!)

Let us know how it goes