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Post by Max Power on Aug 25, 2004 17:36:43 GMT -5
Hi, typical too shy question with a little urgency. Sorry for the long message... I work at this large company, and I have seen this girl in the cafeteria during lunch for the past three years. I see her about three times a week during this time. I always sit with my friends, and she sits with her's, and we usually face each other and catch each other looking at each other, but the eye contact is so brief, not a chance for a smile or anything.  During this time, I have not said a word to her, because I am too shy just to make eye contact directly. I have had several chances to talk to her, just to say hi, but I have a huge problem in thinking that women will be disgusted if they know I like them.  But recently, I made an effort to look her way, and when I do, some of the time she's looking at me and she quickly looks away. I don't even know her name or what department she works in. There have been several incidences where I think she likes me. There was one time when her friends left their table to go back to work, but she was taking a longer time to leave, gathering her things. I watched her subtly, not making it obvious, and as I did, she turned to face me to see if I was watching, which startled the hell out of me, but that told me that she knows I like her, or the other way around. We have not spoken a word to each other in these three years, but I get the strange feeling that she: 1) is attracted to me, or 2) knows I am attracted to her. I catch her friends looking at me a lot as well when I look in their direction. I personally think I am paranoid because I have extremely low self esteem, and find it too good to be true that this attractive woman who just happens to be exactly my type might fancy me. (did I say fancy?)  Am I that lucky? Recently, over the last few months, she doesn't come to the cafeteria as often. I think she thinks I have a girlfriend, because I have lunch once a week with an attractive woman who just happens to be my friend, but she may think otherwise. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, which was the last time I saw my crush, something peculiar happened. I was sitting with my female friend having lunch. My crush was leaving to go back to work, however she was walking towards our table. I thought she was getting a snack, but she was making coffee, and taking an incredibly long time to do so (we were sitting right in front of the coffee machine.) I looked over to her friends, who were watching the whole thing. Unfortunately, our company is downsizing in the next couple of weeks, which means one or both of us may not be with the company much longer. Like I said before, I have not seen her in two weeks, but I know she'll be back. My dilemma is just saying hi, because everytime I see her, my heart jumps, my stomach starts and I go into ignoring mode. Should I talk to her friends, asking them if she would find a guy like me attractive? I am 99% sure they know I like her. What should I say to them if I should talk to them? Also, am I paranoid in thinking she likes me? I tend to have a wild imagination and I think that maybe this is fantasy, hoping that this beautiful woman finds me attractive. I am in panic mode because I feel that I am missing out and I don't have much time left and I am just so so bashful and get nervous when I see her.  Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks for your time. |
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Cactus
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Post by Cactus on Aug 25, 2004 21:06:33 GMT -5
Max Power, if she's been looking over at you on a fairly consistent basis (and her friends as well), I think it's safe to assume that she likes you. If she were disgusted with you (as you put it), she wouldn't give you a second thought or glance. What you've described sounds like two shy people who just can't take the risk of losing face. Let me ask you something. How important is it that you get to know this girl? Right, I thought so....it must be a priority because you've written for advice ASAP! Three years? That's a long time to wait. Which would be more painful for you? Approaching her to say "Hi, how are you? I see you in here all the time and I don't know your name. I'm (you fill in the blank) or the possibility of never seeing her again? The thing is, you already have something in common. You both work at the same company (big as it may be) so, you have a basis for a conversation. The opener above is so casual and friendly, it gives you an out. If it doesn't seem to go over so well, then you can simply say, "it's nice to meet you. I'm sure I'll see you again!) You don't have to worry about a huge rejection (perhaps just a tiny one, but from the sounds of things, that's not too likely). If you talk to her friends, they'll probably talk to her. If you aren't certain of her interest, this might just serve to involve more people in the situation. If they're your friends too, then go ahead and ask about it, but I think the best thing is to just initiate some meeting with her directly. Find a way to get near her and look for a chance to say something (like at the coffee machine or passing by on the way out of the cafeteria). If you have to puke from nerves in order to do it, go ahead. If she likes you too, she won't mind that you're nervous or bashful or even if you have difficulty saying things. She'll just be glad you finally made a move to let her know you "really" like her. Just don't let the opportunity pass by because it may not come again and it sounds like she's been really subtle in checking you out too!  I hope some of this helps even just a little. |
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Cactus
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Post by Cactus on Aug 25, 2004 21:52:00 GMT -5
we usually face each other and catch each other looking at each other, but the eye contact is so brief, not a chance for a smile or anything. That's because neither of you knows for certain whether the other likes you. It's about self preservation. And so is she by the sounds of it. If she doesn't know that you definitely like her, she's probably checking you out. If she's caught in the act, she averts her eyes to save face. If she thinks you may not be interested, her looking at you often might make her feel that she's invading your personal space, but if she likes you....she probably just can't help herself. Why were you watching her subtly? Could it possibly be for the same reason that she's been watching you? (see above quotes) If you watch the movie "The Village" (the one that just came out in theatres recently), you'll see an interesting scene where a girl talks about this kind of behaviour. The thing we really want the most is the thing we pretend we don't want.  So, if you're ignoring her, it means you either don't like her, you don't know she exists or that you really, really, really like her. ;D The same goes for her. |
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Post by Sweet Pea on Aug 26, 2004 4:50:51 GMT -5
I say go for it. Talk to her. Find out her name and a few basics about her so you won't lose touch. She's obviously shy too, and is waiting for you to make the first move. You probably have absolutely nothing to lose by the sound of things, cuz you're probably going to lose touch with her with the downsize if you do nothing.
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Post by Max Power on Aug 26, 2004 14:05:54 GMT -5
Thank you for all of your advice. I will definitely go for it, I just have to strike up the nerve. Sadly, I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, so I hope she's not gone forever, but at least I see her friends from time to time and have them as a second option. Problem is, I don't know her friends either, so I would be introducing myself to new people regardless, which is painful for me, but what have I got to lose at this point. Thanks again for everything!
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Cactus
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Post by Cactus on Sept 12, 2004 0:03:21 GMT -5
Any news on this front? Did you see the girl again or is she gone? Have you managed to talk to her at all? I hope so. You seemed so down about it.  |
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Post by Max Power on Sept 12, 2004 20:07:35 GMT -5
Thanks for your concern Cactus, I sincerely appreciate it. This has weighed me down so emotionally, more than ever, not just because I may have missed my chance, but I let a good thing go by, going out with my "ideal" type of woman, which I don't seem to attract. As of now, I have not seen her. I saw one of her friends one day last week, and I looked around for her, but she hasn't shown up in about a month, But the good news is that this has happened before, where she hasn't shown up in a month and then she shows up every day. So I'll rely on that. But with our company merging with that other company... I'm sorry, I just realized it's more of a takeover and our company's being absorbed...  anyway, they may move her department to another building far from where I am, or they may lay her off. They may even lay me off, but that's another story. I really hope to see her again. I can't express that more. I'm just afraid that if I see her again, my stomach will hurt as usual, my heart will beat faster as usual, I'll retreat to a safe haven far away from her as usual, and I'll kick myself later on as usual.  But the more I think about the subtle clues over the last 3 years and the way her friends react to me, I'm pretty sure I screwed up on a good thing. Big Time! It wouldn't hurt as much if it wasn't for the fact that for the first few months, I admired her from afar, although never looking her way, and the next thing I know, we're making efforts to sit across from each other, making quick eye contact, ect. But to be honest, and this would absolutely kill me if she did like me and I messed up, I think she has a boyfriend. She's too pretty not to have one, or at least have a great guy come along and scoop her up. Well, we'll see. I'll keep you informed this week. Thanks again for your concern. I guess the saga continues... |
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Post by CaryGrant on Sept 13, 2004 12:07:08 GMT -5
So, friend of mine wanted to ask a girl out, was going to do it by email, but a female acquaintance said to do it in person. He was extremely nervous, but I drove him to the shop she works at to do the deed.
Shop and girl were very busy. They had only one or two very brief moments to talk between customers. On the second one, she asked him if he would like to call her sometime, and gave him her number.
Anyway, various morals you can take from this story, but if something is meant to be, it will. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen. Also, I'm taking the attitude these days that there are TONS of women out there (and there really are), and I'll have to go through a few to find both chemistry and good character.
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Cactus
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Post by Cactus on Sept 13, 2004 17:26:41 GMT -5
I really hope to see her again. I can't express that more. I'm just afraid that if I see her again, my stomach will hurt as usual, my heart will beat faster as usual, I'll retreat to a safe haven far away from her as usual, and I'll kick myself later on as usual. O.k. MP. think about this for a minute. Are you happy with the usual? From the sounds of things, you aren't because you're usually alone wishing you had the girl of your dreams. How emotionally painful is that to you? Do you want to feel that always? No, of course not. It's a matter of the greater pain. So, you make an approach and she rejects you (it is possible, but not necessarily probable). Then you'll suffer the humiliation of defeat, but it would only be momentary and the potential gain is too great for you not to at least try. If you never try, it will twist inside you and mess you up pretty badly for a long time....and you'd still be alone. I know shyness doesn't like to cooperate with rationality, but think of this: If you don't approach (if you see her again), you will never (and I mean never) be with her! If you do, it's possible. Which odds do you like better? Thought so. Sometimes, my man, you just have to throw caution to the wind....The greater the risk, the greater the reward! Sleep on this and let me know if it makes sense. If it does, do whatever you have to the next chance you get because, as you probably know....opportunity doesn't come knocking indefinitely. If the only reason that you think she has a boyfriend is because she's too pretty not to, think again. If everyone who was ever attracted to her thought that way, she'd be single forever! Sure lots of beautiful people have significant others, but there are a lot who don't because of that very thing and lots of people are intimidated by their looks (thinking that they couldn't possibly measure up)so, all these attractive people can be just as lonely as you or I. 'nuf said! Hopefully, I don't sound like a drill sargeant or anything, but you've gotta do something otherwise you'll be miserable. There is a bright side though. If you don't get to follow up with this girl or it doesn't work out or whatever, it will free you up to look around at all the other women out there that Cary Grant was talking about. There may be limited opportunities with her, but there are unlimited opportunities with all the other women on the planet! Hopefully, you'll be able to see that soon....Hang in there Max Power! I'm rooting for you! |
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Post by Max Power on Sept 15, 2004 10:33:14 GMT -5
Thanks for your kind words Cactus. She still hasn't shown up, so now I'm in panic mode. But I took baby steps yesterday, although nothing was accomplished.
She usually sits with two of her friends, and I saw one of them in the cafeteria yesterday, but not her. So of course, all day I was down. When I left for work, I went out through the front entrance (I usually go through the side but had to go through the front yesterday.) Well I saw her other friend, who has had lunch with her over the course of the three years. I was coming out of the elevator as she was going in. I believe she smiled at me, she was definitely looking at me with a smile on her face, but I am not sure if she was squinting, well anyway I smiled at her as I went my way.
But then I decided to turn around and go back. This might be my last chance, so I caught another elevator and hoped she would be in the lobby, but she wasn't. I don't know what I would've said to her friend, but I would've said something, maybe that her friend has a secret admirer, pass it on, or something like that. She definitely knows where I'm coming from. Well who knows. I hope that wasn't my last chance.
I also had a dream about it last night. I dreamed that the girl of my affection was at the salad bar. This was so because a couple of years ago at the salad bar was when I realized this girl might like me. I was getting my salad and I saw a blond out of the corner of my eye do a double-take. When I looked up a few seconds later I saw she was looking at me, but of course we both looked away, I got my salad and ran for the hills. Anyway, in the dream this situation came up again, but this time I talked to her and we finally got around to me saying that I liked her and would she like to hang out. She said yes, but her friends might not approve. Strange because I definitely know her friends don't dislike me, they almost always sit at the table next to me when they're having lunch. Where did that come from?
The saga continues, hopefully...
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Post by sushiboat on Sept 15, 2004 12:38:26 GMT -5
I don't know what I would've said to her friend, but I would've said something, maybe that her friend has a secret admirer, pass it on, or something like that. She definitely knows where I'm coming from. Secret admirer? That could sound cheesy or even creepy. Take every urge to confess your love and lock it away. The attitude you should have is, hey, you're interesting... maybe we could get together some time. If you talk with one of her friends, you should exchange comments about some casual topic (weather, food in the cafeteria) and then introduce yourself. Then casually ask about Ms. Hot. Don't confess your feelings. Just the fact that you asked about her will probably be noticed and reported by the friend. |
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Post by girlmysterious on Sept 15, 2004 12:52:08 GMT -5
Max, Do your friends know that you have a crush on her? It sounds from your original post that she is showing interest in you and that she has made attempts to get your attention. It may boost her confidence in her approach to you if she noticed your friends checking you out. Also, if your friends run into her friends or your crush, they can put a good word in for you.
I also think you should talk to her friends if you see them and not her. It is possible, that given the merger, that she may be tied to her desk doing merger-related work. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
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Post by Max Power on Sept 17, 2004 15:14:43 GMT -5
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Post by Sweet Pea on Sept 17, 2004 16:44:27 GMT -5
Aw come on! Don't give up! Go ask her friends why you never see that girl who used to have lunch with them anymore and describe her. She might have stopped coming around because she got the idea she was making you uncomfortable. I know I've done that at times with a shy guy I like. If you give her some indication that you really are still interested, bet she'll be back! |
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bk669
New Member
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Post by bk669 on Sept 19, 2004 18:06:58 GMT -5
Yeah, either forget her or ask one of her friends where she is.
You built her up too much - she's just another person. don't let it get you down if you don't see her again - just move on.
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But recently, I made an effort to look her way, and when I do, some of the time she's looking at me and she quickly looks away. I don't even know her name or what department she works in.
Am I that lucky?
Any advice will be appreciated. 
So, if you're ignoring her, it means you either don't like her, you don't know she exists or that you really, really, really like her. ;D The same goes for her. 
anyway, they may move her department to another building far from where I am, or they may lay her off. They may even lay me off, but that's another story.
