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Post by Max Power on Aug 30, 2004 13:30:32 GMT -5
I am an extremely shy guy in his early 30s, and I just cannot picture myself with a woman because I am not attractive. I had my first crush in 4th grade, but the girl I liked had a bigger crush on my best friend, who was the best looking kid in the school (it was a small private school.) All thoughout school, from 4th grade up until college, I had to suffer while girls that I totally fall for wind up with good looking guys, most of whom were really shy like myself. Everyone says that I have a terrific sense of humor and that and that the right girl will come along eventually. Bull$h!t! If they've been telling me that for 15 years and I haven't had any freakin' luck, then why the hell bother! And I do look around, to try and notice some signals to see if there is a chance that a girl likes me, but no. I shouldn't say that. Girls have liked me, but I'm that funny kid who doesn't measure up to Joe Handsome. So while they've liked me, they don't like me. What pisses me off the most is that I am not good looking. Well, to be honest, I am quite ugly. If I were attractive, I know I would've had someone take an interest in me and approach me. A couple of my friends are shy, but they're also good looking and they get the girl. Me, I have never had that luck. A couple of days ago, I wrote about a girl at my job who I've liked for 3 years, but I don't know her name. We make eye contact here and there, but I think I am imagining that she likes me because when I look in the mirror, I always say to myself, "Am I the type of man that would attract a woman from afar. I don't think so!! I see a psycologist about my depression on this issue, and after talking to me, he diagnosed my with Body Dismorphic Disorder, telling me that I see something different than what others see. I think he's 100% wrong. I'm just facing facts that I am ugly. I recently joined a dating site to e-mail women to chat, maybe set up a date, but when it comes to sending them a picture, I chicken out because I see nothing but a grotesque human being who got screwed out of life by having no confidence and no friggin' looks! The whole thing just pisses me off that I am shy and ugly, can't approach a woman and won't have a woman approach me. Ever! Anybody else feel this way. It's to the point where I don't want to live because I have always wanted a girlfriend since 4th grade, and it has dominated my life from that day until this day (20 years) and I have not even come close. Having a girl in my life means everything to me. Anyone else feel the same way?
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Post by Sweet Pea on Aug 30, 2004 16:15:19 GMT -5
I think you should take your therapist's word for the dismorphic body disorder thing. Even if you don't believe it deep down, just act like you do. Send the girls your picture, talk to the girl who seems to be interested in you, just do it! Think about it this way. Right now, YOU are what is holding you back from connecting with someone cuz of your fears. And I'm not pointing the finger here, I've experienced it myself. Maybe you should post a photo so we can give you a realistic appraisal here of your appearance. Maybe you can believe us.
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Post by minger face on Aug 30, 2004 16:34:50 GMT -5
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Post by minger face on Aug 30, 2004 16:37:01 GMT -5
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Post by minger face on Aug 30, 2004 16:37:35 GMT -5
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Post by minger face on Aug 30, 2004 16:38:55 GMT -5
sorry about the multiple posts i couldnt edit it so i had to press back and it posted the corrections as another message!!!
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Post by Purranha on Aug 30, 2004 16:45:50 GMT -5
Do you have any reason (other then what you think) to believe you're ugly? Have people insulted your looks before? You should put your pic up on facethejury.com and the people there can vote on what they think of your looks. BTW beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I sometimes find guys attractive that most other women wouldn't...its all a matter of opinion. Just that the majority of people seem to like the same thing.
Maybe you're just going for the wrong type of girls and should try less attractive, shyer girls.
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Cactus
Junior Member
Posts: 75
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Post by Cactus on Aug 30, 2004 19:41:14 GMT -5
People always seem to think they're less attractive than they really are. Take me, for example. I know I'm not hideous, but I don't ever feel really attractive either. My friend (who could be a model she's so gorgeous) sees all sorts of flaws in herself too. When we go out every guy will just stare at her and I end up feeling like wallpaper. So, for her looks are an advantage, but they aren't everything She will go for maybe one month between boyfriends. They ask her out all the time. (Personally, I think she should spend a bit of time on her own to get to know who she is and what she wants, but there's always a guy in tow). Now, I've had boyfriends before and I even had one of them tell me that his friends said that he had a beautiful girlfriend. I didn't believe it....and I still don't. Why is that? I focus on the things I don't like about my looks. I don't like my nose, my jawline, my knees, my backside, etc.... One thing I have noticed though, is that when I'm out by myself, I feel a little better about myself. That's when I'll notice some guys looking at me. That's why I think that the things that make a person attractive aren't necessarily all about looks. Confidence can make posture better, improve grace and make eye contact possible. While this is not easy for a shy person to acheive, it may be within the realm. Another thing to consider....sensuality can play a big role in attractiveness (and I'm not talking about sex here). The way you move, touch, gesture....all of these things can make you extremely attractive even where mother nature has been negligent in her duties. Perhaps you should take inventory of all your positive qualities (your humour, etc...) and then emphasize those things, but not to the point that all else about you is obscured). The best thing about the internet, is that there is no pressure to look a certain way. You can be yourself and interact with people on a level field no matter what (of course, I'm sure there are more than a few people who aren't on the straight and narrow). If you connect with any women on the dating site, don't feel that you have to give out a picture right away. Try to get to know them a little bit first. Take it slow. That's how you weed out the shallow ones. Perhaps someone will like what you write, what comes from your mind and the rest won't matter. Perhaps, if you ever get that far (you shy one, you), she'll fall for the sound of your voice on the telephone. Who knows? Just don't believe for one second that looks are everything. Just a little scene to leave off with: I confessed to a person that I know that I had a crush on this guy. What did they say? "I guess everyone has their own taste!" ::)Implying, of course, that my crush was less than attractive in their eyes. Well, that was fine. It's what my eyes see that I care about. So, after all this rather long-winded reply, I just hope that you can give up the illusion of ugliness and just be yourself. Someone is bound to love you someday and, equally important, you are bound to love someone too. Not just a crush, but meaningful, real, unblinded love. P.S. Have you seen the girl from work again or is she still missing in action? (If you start thinking about all this negative stuff again, you should go and reread what you and I both wrote about it) Hang in there! P.P.S. This whole past winter I wanted to die (even just this past week I felt like it would end my torment, but I would just end up crying ). When I'm inside my head too much, I get seriously depressed and I can't talk about it with anyone really. They wouldn't understand. I could never ever follow through though. I care about my family too much for that and I always seem to maintain a glimmer of hope for the future. So, even if you don't want to live, I really hope you don't want the opposite either. If it ever gets too much, reach out. I can't speak for everyone on the site, but I know that's why I'm here.
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Post by Max Power on Aug 30, 2004 23:21:08 GMT -5
I do agree with you on the personality part, but what you said made me think. Do the girls really insult you because of your looks. Do they pick out your physical flaws and make fun? If they do, then who wants to hang around shallow people who make fun of someone's appearance anyway. Just go about your business and look for people who appreciate you for who you are and don't point arrows at you. I remember watching a talk show years ago where this unattractive man, who kinda looked like Eugene Levy, had all the confidence in the world and got plenty of women. Even the audience was calling him "ugly". He even said something like, "Look at me, I am unattractive but I get all the girls because I know how to flaunt my good qualities." Actually, he was a cocky guy, but he didn't care about his looks. I guess it's all about attitude. With me, I have terrible luck. All throughout my years school, I always had good looking friends. At the workplace, there was always a bunch of hunks who also had great personalities. I live in a huge city, so forget the club and the bar scene. The competition is just too great. I feel absolutely defeated when it comes to this. I even had an idea of picking out 3 or 4 absolutely hideous guys and walk into a club, so that I could be the good looking one. I know how you feel. It's tough.
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Post by Max Power on Aug 30, 2004 23:31:56 GMT -5
Do you have any reason (other then what you think) to believe you're ugly? Have people insulted your looks before? You should put your pic up on facethejury.com and the people there can vote on what they think of your looks. BTW beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I sometimes find guys attractive that most other women wouldn't...its all a matter of opinion. Just that the majority of people seem to like the same thing. Thank you, it does make me think. I have to be honest, after thinking about my diagnosis for Body Dysmorphic Disorder and reading your response, I thought back as far as I could. I do not recall being called ugly, but I definitely "feel the vibes" that women give off and find me unattractive. For example, I used to be a receptionist, and I have been told that I have a nice voice over the phone (something I find hard to believe) Anyway, I was talking to this woman who was ordering from our company, and we were exchanging nice compliments back and forth. Later that day after her order was filled, she came to the job and I expected a "nice to meet you" or even a "hi", but all she did was see me, take her product and go. I could see the disappoinment on her face, and it has lived with me to this day. That was eight years ago. I don't think I could put my face on facethejury.com. My ego is fragile as it is. That would probably put the nail in the coffin, but thanks so much for your advice.
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Post by Max Power on Aug 31, 2004 0:03:48 GMT -5
People always seem to think they're less attractive than they really are. Take me, for example. I know I'm not hideous, but I don't ever feel really attractive either. Thanks for your reply, Cactus. It's weird, I always see a nice shirt in the window that I know will make me look better, but when I put it on, the look of the shirt actually changes. I guess I do have Body Dismorphic Disorder, but I don't think I'm imagining things. Today, my friend was using her camera during lunch to film us. I saw myself on camera and was absolutely repulsed and depressed up to and beyond this writing. It sucks. But for you, if you know you're not hideous, it's best to sway the needle in that direction instead of the not feeling attractive feeling. The more you feel that you are not hideous, the more attractive you will (hopefully) feel. Don't say, "I'm not ugly, but I'm not beautiful either." Just say, "I'm not ugly." Now, I've had boyfriends before and I even had one of them tell me that his friends said that he had a beautiful girlfriend. I didn't believe it....and I still don't. Why is that? I focus on the things I don't like about my looks. I don't like my nose, my jawline, my knees, my backside, etc.... One thing I have noticed though, is that when I'm out by myself, I feel a little better about myself. That's when I'll notice some guys looking at me. I guess beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder. I go for the glamour models, but I also go for those with funny noses, etc. I just can't see women seeing me in that light. If friends say that your boyfriend had a beatiful girlfriend, then what does that mean, Beautiful? The best thing about the internet, is that there is no pressure to look a certain way. You can be yourself and interact with people on a level field no matter what (of course, I'm sure there are more than a few people who aren't on the straight and narrow). If you connect with any women on the dating site, don't feel that you have to give out a picture right away. Try to get to know them a little bit first. Take it slow. That's how you weed out the shallow ones. Perhaps someone will like what you write, what comes from your mind and the rest won't matter. Perhaps, if you ever get that far (you shy one, you), she'll fall for the sound of your voice on the telephone. Who knows? Just don't believe for one second that looks are everything. Hopefully I can find a personal site where a picture isn't required to send an e-mail. Unfortunately with the dating sites I've been to, most of, if not all the women require a picture with an e-mail. Honestly, that applies to women who have already put their picture up. I should go a different route and try chatting with those who, like me, don't have their pic on the site. P.S. Have you seen the girl from work again or is she still missing in action? (If you start thinking about all this negative stuff again, you should go and reread what you and I both wrote about it) Hang in there! I did see her today for a few seconds, but didn't get a chance to do anything. She was on line to pay for her meal, and I was sitting at my table. I made a big effort to look at her, which I did, and she looked up at me before we both looked away. She wound up paying and getting her utensils, which was right next to my table, but I couldn't make more eye contact because the chef made his way to our table to chat and I got distracted. She didn't stay to eat in the safeteria, so the moment came and went. About twenty minutes later, I saw this gorgeous guy walk into the cafeteria. Even my coworkers who I was having lunch with (2 women) said he was stunning, but probably spends more time in the beauty parlor than they do. But seeing him brought my confidence down because it made me wonder if this girl I am crazy about really likes me, or notices a fimiliar face staring at her. *sigh* I have a plan. She was alone today, but she didn't stay to eat in the cafeteria. If the same thing happens tomorrow, I am thinking of following her and just saying something like, "Hi, my name is Max, and I am sorry to bother you, but I have always wanted to introduce myself to you but never had the nerve. I realize that our company is going through changes and neither of us may get the chance to see each other's familiar face again, so I thought I would take a chance and say hello. Does this sound ok? P.P.S. This whole past winter I wanted to die (even just this past week I felt like it would end my torment, but I would just end up crying ). When I'm inside my head too much, I get seriously depressed and I can't talk about it with anyone really. They wouldn't understand. I could never ever follow through though. I care about my family too much for that and I always seem to maintain a glimmer of hope for the future. So, even if you don't want to live, I really hope you don't want the opposite either. If it ever gets too much, reach out. I can't speak for everyone on the site, but I know that's why I'm here. Hang in there, kiddo. I get depressed and discouraged every day but I lean on hope. It's funny, during my school years, I always had a "mini rush of hope" believing that something will happen for me. I kinda lost that feeling over the last few years, but all I can say is that things will always work out. You'll see soon enough. Thanks so much for your advice on this and my other rant, I sincerely appreciate it.
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Post by sushiboat on Aug 31, 2004 8:46:03 GMT -5
There is something you should know about insults. Insults are usually a test of backbone and spunk. If you just accept them sheepishly, then you fail the test. If you can take them, laugh them off, and then come back with your own zinger, you pass.
Go with some friends to a bar and just spend time watching people. Or watch movies about buddies or modern dating. You'll see all kinds of digs and cut-down exchanges, and it's all in good fun.
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Post by sushiboat on Aug 31, 2004 8:58:43 GMT -5
I have a plan. She was alone today, but she didn't stay to eat in the cafeteria. If the same thing happens tomorrow, I am thinking of following her and just saying something like, "Hi, my name is Max, and I am sorry to bother you, but I have always wanted to introduce myself to you but never had the nerve. I realize that our company is going through changes and neither of us may get the chance to see each other's familiar face again, so I thought I would take a chance and say hello. Does this sound ok? It seems a little long-winded and overly needy to me. Try something like this: "Hi. I've seen you around for a while, but I still don't know your name." She gives her name. "Hi ___, I'm Max. I work in the _____ Department." She tells you where in the company she works. "Hey, why don't you come and eat lunch with me?" She either says yes or she is busy. If she is busy, say, "Well, maybe some other time."
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Post by Max Power on Aug 31, 2004 10:29:18 GMT -5
It seems a little long-winded and overly needy to me. Try something like this: "Hi. I've seen you around for a while, but I still don't know your name." She gives her name. "Hi ___, I'm Max. I work in the _____ Department." She tells you where in the company she works. "Hey, why don't you come and eat lunch with me?" She either says yes or she is busy. If she is busy, say, "Well, maybe some other time." Thank you, I will definitely use your way. I've never done anything like this before, so your advice is greatly appreciated, thanks!
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Post by CaryGrant on Aug 31, 2004 12:07:22 GMT -5
I feel for ya, Max. I used to think, If only I had looks/money/power/? then I would get women no problem. They were all excuses for my own low self-esteem. And, by-the-way, I've had lots of women say that, while they find the hunks attractive, they don't consider them seriously for a relationship, because they don't trust them, or think the pretty boys will be too vain.
Also, regarding body image, choose different "mirrors," meaning people you trust to give you feedback (they may not know they're doing it), and believe it. Don't rely on some random woman you saw eight years ago! Who knows what expectations she had, or even what she was thinking?
Also, I mentioned this in another post, but I suspect you may be staring at women, rather than making socially acceptable eye contact. I used to do just that - look (ok, stare) at women waiting for some clear signal that they liked me, almost as if I was trying to show them through my eyes that they should approach me. It never worked, though it did creep some of them out. Try making eye contact, giving a brief smile, and looking away first. Then look back a minute or so later, give a small smile. If you look back a third time and she smiles, you may want to approach her. Many women are cautious about smiling at unknown guys because then the guy takes it as other than friendly.
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