What's really stopping us from talking/dating?

[Max Power]

Hi,

Last night I had a startling revelation as to why I do not talk to women. I know that I am defeated before the situation arises because I see myself in their eyes as a hideous ogre. Case in point, last night I had plenty of time to do some soul searching since I wasn't around my computer (God did I miss my computer last night!) Anyway, I looked back at the times I had to talk to girls, and my head was pounded with pictures of a monster talking to a beautiful woman, sort of like Shrek talking to Fiona (as the girl of course) or King Kong talking to Fay Wray/Jessica Lange. Before I even go up to them, I see myself as a monster fumbling his way to this beautiful woman and looking so hideous to her that she is grossed out and offended that this creature likes her. I know that's irrational thinking, but I can't help it.

My psychologist says that I worship women to the point where I feel like nothing. That basaically stops me. It's not her saying "no" that stops me, but her saying "eeeewwww, not with you, you ugly ogre" that stops me.

Luckily today, I have motivation. There was one woman who I borderline loved for ten years. Can't say I love her because I didn't know her well enough, but I was definitely infacuated with her. She's married now and it kills me that she has someone and I don't. So I say in my head, "So & so is married Max, it's time for you to get on the ball. You have a great sense of humor, they will like your personality." This helps a little, but 23 years of thinking you're an Ogre takes time to get rid of.

What about you guys and gals? Anyone feel like this, or does some other negative thought put a wall between you and your crush.

[girlmysterious]

Max,
What you described is how I feel about myself, not just when it comes to guys but to people generally. I tell people that I’d never approach a guy because I fear rejection the same way that guys do when they approach girls, but that really isn’t it. I feel that nobody would want to associate with an ugly ogre (as you put it, which actually sounds kinda cute to me for some reason : like myself, even though I’ve had people tell me that I am pretty and I have attracted men before. So I can’t be all that bad can I? I think that one of the reasons I have this mindset is because I was called a lot of names associated with the word “ugly” as a kid and all through high school. I agree that it is hard to get out of that mindset. Telling yourself that you are worthy and moving on with your life takes a lot of work and practice!

[Max Power]

Yep, a whooooole lot of work. Today was another example as to why I am my own worst enemy. There is a girl who my friends keep telling me likes me, but I didn't believe them. After all, one girl in the cafeteria may like me, so the possibility of two is mind boggling, unless there's an Ogre fad that I don't know about. Anyways, today I saw her and when she looked at me, I thought to myself as her, "God, what an ugly guy."

I think of myself in the girl's mind. Kinda self defeating, huh?

[Cactus]

I know that for me, talking to guys I'm attracted to is difficult because I don't feel worthy. Things that I do perfectly fine around everyone else, I will screw up around them. It's pretty much a self-fulfilling prophesy for me. I feel as though all of my flaws are amplified by a thousand times! I don't usually feel like an orge(but I do have my off days!) because I'm not and I know it's true. I've gotten enough feedback to confirm this (although it has taken a lot of time for me to fight the impressions I'd formed in childhood and during my teenage years. I was teased and bullied quite a bit and I'm still working on getting over it). I think one of the major things that holds me back is that I don't feel proud of myself so, I don't see how anyone else could be proud to know me or date me. I think it's up to me, though, to make changes so that I have things to be proud of. No one else will do it for me...

Max Power, why don't you try to find someone who may one day be available to you. If you pursue someone who is married, even if it's only in your mind, you'll only wind up disappointed. It's a no win situation.

I think you ought to let the women that you're attracted to decide what to think of you. If you constantly project your ideas of how they think of you onto them, you aren't really allowing them the chance to express other ideas. How do you know they will think that you're an ogre? Maybe they think all sorts of other things....but you'll never know it because you're too busy reacting to the way "you're" thinking about how you look, through their eyes (Wow, I wish I could follow my own advice!).

One of the best ways to approach interactions with other people, not just women, is to ask yourself what you want to know about them. Sometimes it's as easy as looking at the gestures or facial expressions (which can say so much about how people are feeling and what they might be going through). Other times, it might take talking and asking questions to get the answers that you're looking for. A lot of the time, the fact that you take an interest in somebody, can make them respond in kind. This is because when you are concerned with finding out about them, you forget about you and the negative thinking that's going on inside your brain.

[l0ner]

I see some butt-ugly guys who are pretty damn successful with girls. It's most likely because they ignore their looks and let their confidence do the attracting.

My problem is certainly not looks, I'll admit. And I'm not bad at being a charming person. I just get really nervous about coming off as an uninteresting person and having virtually nothing to say. So I avoid talking to people (and girls......because they're not people) in the first place.

[uglyogre]

I know how you feel, I too am an ugly ogre.But I was used to be really hunky, even when I was 7 or 8, this girl in my class would say I'm handsome.I haven't really thought about looks back them, it all started in 6th grade when I started liking this girl in my class, the only reason I liked her was cause I thought she liked me cause I overheard her seatmate talking to her about if she liked me or not, I can't remember her reply though, but man she was gorgeous, we later became friends when I started talking to her.but later this new hunky hispanic dude came and I think she likes him, cause all through out the schoolyear her seatmate keeps talking about her liking him, and I think she would occassionally bump into him on purpose.but what the heck, after 6th grade I stopped seeing her cause I lefted for another school, I never really found out if she liked me or not.(in 6th grade)also I think this other girl from another class liked me, cause all the girls in my class said that, they(girls in my class) even asked me to tell her I liked her, wtf you just can't force love.you would not believe the responses I get from girls, even when I went to get a haricut, the girls in the barber place will say hey that guy is really handsome, right in my face cause they are literally right next to me, only a few seats away.even my own sister said I was hunky, she didn't do that just because I was family, but because I really was hunky, you should've seen the picture she took of me, man I was gorgeous back then.then 7th grade started and I became an ugly freak , and that's when all the popular kids started making fun of my shyiness and probably cause I'm ugly.

[ShyOne]

sorry if my above post offended anyone.