ray
New Member
Posts: 28
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Post by ray on Oct 23, 2004 19:46:54 GMT -5
Heather, I know you said "a girl needs to feel somewhat pursued", but I'm affraid if this guy is as shy as you say, you may be waiting a long time and it may not ever happen. If he did suffer from some kind of panic attack during your date, he'll probably be scared to put himself in that situation again fearing that it will happen again. It would probably make him feel more at ease around you if he knew that you knew he had a panic attack and it didn't change the way you felt about him or at least that you still had feelings for him and wanted to still pursue a relationship. You may have to do all the pursuing and chasing starting out, but maybe the way to go about it is to let him know that he can trust you. That he can be himself with you, shyness, panic attacks and all. I once had a girl to talk to me about being shy. She told me about her experiences with being shy. It made me feel a lot more comfortable knowing that she had an idea of what I was going though. (I don't know if you are shy or not, I assume you aren't and are just here because he is.) If you go on just waiting on him you may never have a relationship with him other than friends. Eventually, you may meet someone else and give up on him or he may meet someone who will pursue harder. Either way eventually you may never even see him as friends anymore. So I don't see any loss in taking a chance by talking to him honestly about what you are feeling and what he is feeling or what happened during your date. The worst thing that could happen is that you don't get together which if you keep waiting on him will probably never happen anyway and you can start looking for someone else. But by taking the risk you could also start the relationship that you and possibly he is looking for. Good luck. (Looks like Robb was writing you the same time I wasand we were basically saying the same thing)
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Post by Heather on Oct 23, 2004 21:19:56 GMT -5
Wow Robb, how encouraging your last message was. It is great for those of us who do not suffer from SAD to hear the success stories of those who do. I really admire people like you and Cary Grant and others on this forum who recognize their problems with shyness or SAD and make efforts to correct them, no matter how difficult. It is also extremely helpful for those of us who do not suffer from these difficulties, but care for someone who does, to hear how you feel inside and how your shyness or SAD affects your life. Not only does it give us insight as to how a person of so few words feels about himself/herself--and how they could possibly feel about us--but it also helps us not to take that person's behavior too personally. Granted that everyone is different, it sort of allows us to get inside that person's head so that we can better understand him/her and decide how to handle the situation.
As for my situation and your questions, no I have never talked to him about his SAD (assuming he has it) and we have never talked about the night we had coffee. I do know this, he has a job that requires him to speak infront of large groups of people often and he has a lot of contact with the public. So, it seems that his problems lie mainly in the realm of his interpersonal relationships in the social arena--no friends, no women.
To chase or not to chase, that is the question. I have no idea if running after him will scare him off, or if that is exactly what he needs. I'll take your advice, Robb, and won't give up just yet.
As for your question about women with SAD, I probably shouldn't comment because I don't suffer from it. I am just a little shy with men. However, I'd be willing to bet that even women with SAD aren't into porn as much as most men are--especially those with SAD. I'll be interested to hear how other women respond to your question.
Thanks again!
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Post by Heather on Oct 23, 2004 21:50:01 GMT -5
Ray, I guess that you and Robb were saying essentially the same thing--but your post really hit home. When I talk to my girlfriends, I rarely get an honest answer. Not because they want to save my feelings, per se, but because they cannot understand what it is like to be a man with extreme social anxiety. I think that you are right and I appreciate your honesty. This guy will never make a move, even if he wants to. And, I agree. Why would anyone in his position ever want to put himself in the same situation that caused him so much anxiety again? Excellent point. This is why I need all of you!!! Anyway, I don't know that I feel like bringing up his problems and then try to talk about them, but I can definitely work on making him feel comfortable with me. He can trust me and I hope that if he knows that, then he will open up a little. But, like you said, I have everything to lose by not trying. So, thank you. My dilemma was whether or not to continue chasing--and it seems that this is my only option. And just so all of you shy guys know, this is another reason why it is so important to have a forum like this in which to share your stories and give advice. It is not just about having a group of understanding people who you identify with and with whom you can lament without feeling judged. It is also about helping people who want to reach out to shy individuals to understand the inner workings of the mind of the shy man/woman! Who knows how many women there are out there who read through your posts and make great decisions about whether or not to "go for it" with a shy guy! It is hard for most women to be the pursuer, but I'd be willing to bet that everyone's posts here have sparked great relationships. So, I hope that when any of you are feeling worthless--and many of you say you do--that you will think about all of the unselfish advice that you have given to each other and to others via these forums and feel good about contributing to the well-being and happiness of other people.
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Post by Robb on Oct 23, 2004 23:35:13 GMT -5
Hi Heather Wow I dont get it, He can and does address large groups at work. Is this in mixed company?
I learned to adapt and be functional in my work inviroment, speaking to groups is still somthing I'm working on. Women on the other hand causes me more anxiety, more so if I liked them. being afraid that something would happen to trigger the anxiety then the symptoms would embarras and or humiliate me. If that happend to the old me, I wouldnt bring it up I would build a wall around it and pretend it didnt happen. I feel it would serve both of you to talk about it and it will more than likely be up to you to bring it up. Thats the tough part, Im thinking he's embarrased about it.. And it is bothering him. you could say something like ; I hope that was just a anxiety attack you had and not the way you feel about me.... And by you telling him how you feel about being persued might give him the green light he's lookin for, any way I should'nt be giving advice and the public speaking is still kind of a curve ball keep me posted Robb
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Post by WayoftheBraves on Oct 24, 2004 13:47:42 GMT -5
Hi Heather Wow I dont get it, He can and does address large groups at work. Is this in mixed company? I learned to adapt and be functional in my work inviroment, speaking to groups is still somthing I'm working on. It's not unusual. With all my shyness, I can easily address large groups and I even enjoy addressing large groups. I don't know why, I just like it because maybe when I speak to large groups, I already have something set to talk about. A couple weeks ago, I even led a group in a discussion, especially when everyone else in the group was too shy to say anything. But talking to girls is impossible for me, unless they're some lesbian who loves talking to everyone. This was highlighted. In that group I was leading a discussion in, I spoke to EVERYONE except one girl and she is the apple of my eye.
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Post by Orionation on Oct 25, 2004 18:21:31 GMT -5
i dont have the time to read the entire topic at the moment so if this is an echo of somebody i apologize in advance . I dont know about most guys but I know for me, being a VERY shy person, there is nothing that gives me a better feeling than a girl that starts the conversations with me and pursues me, and would ask me out, if she is someone i am very attracted to. Unfortunatly ive never experienced much of that in my life.. but the little bit i have was great, and every day i hope that this one particular girl will say something to me.. but every day she just walks right on by . I am a very lonely and depressed person.. and as a result i feel like if i could get involved in a relationship like the ones that my friends have with their girlfriends.. i feel like i could love my girlfriend more than anybody else could, whether its the truth or not. The problem is just getting to that point. Im way too nervous to initiate conversations and even say hi to her. And while i worry about it days fly by and i miss my chance every time. The main reason i dont go for it is because, like in the position im in right now, she is so beautiful and i feel like i could die if she turned out to be the girl i dream about.. yet im too afraid that ill mess it up.. so i just hope that she will talk to me first and make an effort to talk to me on a regular basis dispite the fact that i hardly talk.. and i just hope that she will understand me and continue talking to me until i get comfortable enough to tell her anything.. and then i would break through the barrier of being shy around her. Only problem is that i bet that day would never come before hell freezes over.
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