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Post by Heather on Oct 9, 2004 2:26:54 GMT -5
I am a 29 yr. old woman who has always been shy with men I have a romantic interest in. My love interest is a 32 yr. old man who is extremely shy. He and I grew up in the same church in Texas, but never really got to know each other when we were younger. It always seemed as though we purposely avoided talking, but we’d always steal glances during mass and then quickly look away. His parents always tried to force us to talk—but the more they tried, the more we resisted. They once even called me at home and told me that their son had never dated anyone before, but they thought that we would be great together. They also told me that he had major problems dealing with people. They knew much more about the extent of his shyness than I did and I really think that they were worried that he would never pursue a relationship with anyone and would eventually end up alone (which is not very Catholic). They wanted me to pursue him, but I just couldn’t do it. Shyness can be truly debilitating! I was in love with him from afar.
Then, when I was 26, I took a job in Boston. I hated to leave without knowing how he felt about me, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything to him about it. I dated a lot in Boston, but never forgot about the guy I had left at home.
Then, this past May, I took a new job in my home town and moved back to Texas. I started going to church again and we immediately resumed our shy glances during mass. Finally, one Sunday, he put forth an effort to talk to me. It was great! I made a couple of flirtatious comments and he responded with more interest. Over the next few months, we continuously looked at each other and occasionally spoke—we were both really trying! Eventually, we started talking more and more—sometimes for twenty minutes at a time. We even began casually touching each other. The more we talked, the more comfortable we felt with each other and the more we learned how much we had in common. Nonetheless, no matter how much we talked, he would not ask me out. I’m sure that he was interested in me, but I had the feeling that I was going to have to make the move, given how shy he was. So, after a long time, I finally asked him out for coffee one night—and he said yes.
So here it is: We met at this popular coffee house, but it was really crowded and very loud. We could barely even hear each other speak over the voices. Plus, we were both really nervous. Everything started out ok, but then he started to choke up. We ended up having a strained conversation and there were a couple of awkward silences. Overall, he acted a bit strange, borderline rude. He tried to be nice, but then he got up to leave before I had even finished my coffee and we had only been there for 15 minutes! Then, he just said “bye” and left me standing in the coffee house! I was devastated…and now I am afraid that this was the tragic end.
Can anyone tell me what happened? Does this mean that he is not interested? I am also confused about whether or not painfully shy men have the need to pursue the woman, just like socially adept men. I have read that shy men like it when a woman makes the first move, but won't pursuing him turn him off? I’d really like to hear how some of you shy guys out there interpret this situation. I need advice on what to do next, if anything.
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ray
New Member
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Post by ray on Oct 9, 2004 7:25:42 GMT -5
Hi Heather, I want to tell you a little story about what happened to me. It may not help you but anyway. I have always been painfully shy and never dated until I met this girl when I was 22. I finally got up the nerve to ask her out to supper one evening. My first date ever. We were both pretty nervous. She also was kind of shy but not nearly as much as me. We had plenty of awkward quiet times during the evening. During those times, having such low self esteem, I was feeling mad at myself for being so quiet toward her. I felt that I was making a fool of myself and thought that I should end the night early to put her out of her misery. So as soon as we finished eating I took her back home and left. I felt terrible and depressed afterwords. Mad at myself for messing up and missing out on a relationship that I really wanted. The next day I went to work still feeling the same way. Later that after noon she had a rose delivered to me with a note saying "From your secret admirer". I new then that all I had been thinking was wrong. I desided that we had to spend some time alone to get to know each other. So our next date we spent the whole day together on a trip to the mountains. Just me and her and no one else all day. By the end of the day we were very comfortable with each other. Maybe he needs you to tell him that you are interested in getting to know him. Hope this helps you.
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ShyOne
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Post by ShyOne on Oct 9, 2004 9:56:39 GMT -5
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Post by Max Power on Oct 9, 2004 16:19:07 GMT -5
I'm totally baffled.  What do you mean by borderline rude? I'm curious about that. Whenever I find a situation uncomfortable, I'm outta there.  Maybe he was upset at himself for not making a better impression in his eyes. That would frustrate someone to the point of them not wanting to deal with the situation anymore. I'd probably ask him, "Hey what happened last night? Are you ok, you left in such a hurry and it seemed like something was bothering you." |
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Post by Heather on Oct 9, 2004 19:07:36 GMT -5
What do you mean by borderline rude? I'm curious about that. Well, I think that any time a girl works up the courage to ask a guy for a date after a really long time, and that date lasts for just 15 minutes before the guy just gets up and leaves the girl sitting at the table drinking her coffee, the girl might take it a bit personally--even if she realizes that he is shy. Believe me, I am a compassionate person and I would really feel bad for the guy if this had happened to one of my girlfriends. But you can't help but feel hurt when it happens to you. I had a date that literally stood up and walked out on me! A guy that I was pretty sure had a romantic interest in me! I can certainly understand that he may have been uncomfortable and I certainly let him get away with it because I understand that he is extremely shy and reacted in the only way he knew how to react--but it is only natural to feel completely rejected by such behavior. I don't know that I agree that it would be best for me to call attention to what he did by asking him why he did it. I would hope that he already realizes that it was a strange thing to do--and I would think that the last thing a shy guy needs is to be called on a social faux pas (or however you spell it). From what I read in this forum, shy guys' egos already seem bruised enough. Most of you seem to really beat yourselves up. I have really fallen for this guy--don't want to hurt him! I want to make him feel good about himself! Don't you think it would be better for me to just pretend that nothing happened and just be friendly with him, with the hopes that he asks me out? Doesn't sound promising, does it? I have put a lot of effort into this situation and I am afraid that I will scare him off if I pursue too much. Can anyone tell me if shy guys are turned off by a persistent girl, like other guys would be? And does anyone have any advice on how to rectify the situation? Thank you so much! |
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ray
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Post by ray on Oct 9, 2004 19:54:03 GMT -5
Heather, just an idea you may not even want to consider but, maybe at church you could talk to his mother and see if she knows what happened. I bet she was eager to ask him how the date went if she had been trying to get you two together. If not her, maybe a friend of his could tell you. It will probably get back to him but at least he will still know you are interested. I'm sorry that happened to you but it may not have had anything at all to do with you. I was extreemly shy and would have loved it if the girls would have pursued me if they were interested and a few did. I was usually obsessing over someone else that I never got the nerve to talk to when it did happen. Later hating that I didn't give the others a chance. Believe me, if he is as shy as I am or were at the time I was looking for someone, he will be glad that you are doing the persuing.
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Post by Heather on Oct 9, 2004 21:19:24 GMT -5
Thank you so much Ray, Max, SO and V for the comments. Every little bit helps!
And Ray, your idea to ask his Mom or friends seems like a good one, except for that I highly doubt that he told anyone, especially his mom. And actually, he doesn't have even one friend at church. He has many acquaintences, but no friends or siblings. He doesn't go out at all. So sad. He is a great guy!
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Post by CaryGrant on Oct 10, 2004 12:03:14 GMT -5
I'm curious to know why you think he's such a great guy? I would be concerned about getting involved with someone so lacking in self-esteem and social skills. While the latter can be learned, the former can only be improved if HE makes the effort to do so - it will not magically change because you love and support him.
It sounds like you want to rescue him? Sorry if I'm coming across as heartless or crass - that's not my intent. Until I boosted my self-esteem, every relationship I had was an attempt to rescue the woman from emotional woes, because I didn't feel worthy of someone without troubles. I felt they would NEED me, so they couldn't leave me.
His behaviour was rude, and, if there is going to be any sort of relationship, he has to know that it is not acceptable. Perhaps he had a panic attack, which can be very debilitating, or felt one coming on. Whatever, I think you need to let him know that running out on you is not acceptable, and that you will not reject him for his shyness/fear.
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Post by Schmoo on Oct 10, 2004 18:48:12 GMT -5
I agree with Cary, his behaviors was technically rude, BUT he probably acted this way because of his shyness. You have to consider that his level of shyness could become a serious liability and HE needs to exert a tremendous amount of effort to overcome it. You really shouldn't be doing all of the work in any relationship.
He's probably embarrassed about the experience, I'd just see what his demeanor is like the next time you see him at church, and wait for him to make the first move (ie, not just a glance in your direction)
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Post by Heather on Oct 10, 2004 22:13:14 GMT -5
Wow Cary! Believe it or not, I had not even considered that he should be held accountable for his rude behavior. I was too wrapped up in his social probs/shyness and not punishing him for the way he naturally is. Good point. He did behave like a jerk, which made me insecure, and I ended up coming to you all for the interpretation/answers!
And Schmoo, as for mass tonight--he was great! He approached me beforehand and was actually friendly and outgoing, which confuses me somewhat, but I'm happy that he didn't ignore me. He didn't apologize or even bring it up. It seems as though he didn't even realize that he had done anything wrong--or if he did, he didn't say anything about it. However, he didn't ask me out either, as I hoped he would. Maybe he just thinks of me as a friend now, but I hope there is still a chance. I was so positive that he liked me. I think that I have probably done my part and now I should probably just wait to see if he does anything in the future.
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Post by Robb on Oct 20, 2004 17:30:59 GMT -5
 Hi Heather I'm no expert just a 42 yr old man that has been social phobic for the past 38 yrs, and its my take he had a pretty major anxiety attack. I wouldnt take it personally at this point and by all means talk to him first.. He's probably praying you do , and he is probably crying inside for hurting you and the relationship...he probably wishes he was dead and wants to blow his brains out!! Talk to him..
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Post by Heather on Oct 22, 2004 19:21:55 GMT -5
I just wanted to say thanks to Robb for his comments and update everyone on my situation, if anyone cares.
I think that Robb might be right about the anxiety attack on the night I went out with this guy. But how do I know if he wants to try again? Shouldn't he go for it now if he wants?
I see so many postings in this forum where girls want to know how they can tell if a shy guy likes her and if they should approach him or not. I say yes, definitely approach the guy. But what do you do when you have approached a shy guy, have actually gone out with him, and things didn't go well thanks to high anxiety? I don't think that feelings can change over night, so I'd like to think that he may still like me. But it seems that we are back to square one, where we see each other and have great conversations, but neither of us suggest going out again. The problem with me suggesting it is that everything that has happened has made me feel like I am chasing him, and believe me guys, a girl needs to feel somewhat pursued. And if you are shy and want her to pursue you instead, you have to at least give her something to go on. **Note to shy guys, you can't just hope she makes a move on her own--throw her a bone. Anyway, how is a girl in this situation supposed to know if the guy isn't asking her out because he doesn't want to go out with her again or because he is too shy, has never dated, and is counting on her to take the lead just like she did before?
Side note: We have seen each other on three occasions since the night we went out. The first two times, we had awesome conversations with lots of laughs. The third time (yesterday), he left the conference without saying a word--and I wasn't about to chase him down.
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Post by qalone on Oct 23, 2004 6:45:42 GMT -5
I see so many postings in this forum where girls want to know how they can tell if a shy guy likes her and if they should approach him or not. I say yes, definitely approach the guy. But what do you do when you have approached a shy guy, have actually gone out with him, and things didn't go well thanks to high anxiety? I don't think that feelings can change over night, so I'd like to think that he may still like me. But it seems that we are back to square one, where we see each other and have great conversations, but neither of us suggest going out again. The problem with me suggesting it is that everything that has happened has made me feel like I am chasing him, and believe me guys, a girl needs to feel somewhat pursued. And if you are shy and want her to pursue you instead, you have to at least give her something to go on. **Note to shy guys, you can't just hope she makes a move on her own--throw her a bone. Anyway, how is a girl in this situation supposed to know if the guy isn't asking her out because he doesn't want to go out with her again or because he is too shy, has never dated, and is counting on her to take the lead just like she did before? after reading alot of the things shy guys have had to say about women, on this board and others, i have started to wonder if there isn't an element of misogyny in the way (some) shy guys behave and think toward women...maybe the frustration they cause women who are interested in them isn't just accidental/incidental ... maybe an inner hatred of women makes them deep down WANT to do things that frustrate/hurt women...even if they don't realize it... |
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Post by Robb on Oct 23, 2004 18:51:13 GMT -5
Hi Heather
Did you two talk about the incident?
and He more than likely has a hundred of reasons why you dont like him or shouldnt like him running through his head: like im to shy, im frikin mental,no fun no personality.the list goes on and on . and leaves him feeling unworthy, and you would be better off with a normal person. , or if she knew I was nuts. she will leave and every one will know im nuts too...
This is my experiance, I didnt date cause I didnt want anyone to know , I felt I was mental and and therefor became that way... The best thing for Him to do is talk about it open up and acknowlage the problem and what it is causing Him to feel and do ..
Does he know about this site??? Have you talked about S.A.D. with him . how severe is it..
There is a lot of people here that feel hopeless. thats to bad cause there is hope and its up to the person suffering to do something about it. its scarry as hell, but the thought of living with it the rest of your life is scarrier and it only gets worse as more and more traumas pile on like the panack attack you witnessed.
Im new here and my computer is down so Im here at the library.. as soon as Im back on line I will be on every evening. I have made a lot of progress have goals for more. its a lifelong process for me. I intend to have my own site soon one that is real and assists people it is my destiny I can assist..
Some of my success's include... singing 2 songs in a karioke bar ,,,stood up and spoke in a meeting of 30 people (I included that Im dealing with a anxiety disorder) Ive told others including women that my sex life from 15 to 25 was porn, fantisying and masterbation. Ive learned it is common among males with SAD. I want to know if it is true with women? Opening up is the key claiming your power over this disorder...
Dont give up Heather : He wants you bad and fantasy's about you........LOL
Later for now Robb
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Post by Robb on Oct 23, 2004 19:01:35 GMT -5
disreguard that little frowny thing,,dont know how I did that..
Interesting take on the subconciess intents toward women. I have a story about that.
When I have more time I will set up a new thred called
Conversations with Robb I have some ideas to get people to talk and commit to change..It will be good..
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Maybe he was upset at himself for not making a better impression in his eyes. That would frustrate someone to the point of them not wanting to deal with the situation anymore.
Hi Heather I'm no expert just a 42 yr old man that has been social phobic for the past 38 yrs, and its my take he had a pretty major anxiety attack. I wouldnt take it personally at this point and by all means talk to him first.. He's probably praying you do , and he is probably crying inside for hurting you and the relationship...he probably wishes he was dead and wants to blow his brains out!! Talk to him..