How to get more FRIENDS?

[altaira]

I've always had a few close separate friends spread out, never had a group of freinds that knew each other and that I could hang around with locally.

Haven't had a best friend since high school

Rarely have someplace to go on the weekends.

Where and how do I find more friends, especially female friends (male friends tend to want more than just friendship and it usually doesn't work out)

[CaryGrant]

Well...I went through this just this past year. Moved to a new city and simultaneously decided it was time to develop some real friends to stop running away from intimate (not romantic) relationships.

I did a ton of activities that interested me: canoeing, rowing, volleyball, vegetarian group, writer's collaborative, etc. I met lots of people, and made an effort to make small talk with ones I felt there might be some potential with.

Then I forced myself to accept invitations to social events, or even ask if I could come if people were discussing them in front of me. These ranged from "we're getting together for breakfast after practice" to "Joe's having a party Friday night." It was scary to put myself out there like that, but generally the attitude was "Well, of course you can come. Duh. We wouldn't have been talking about it in front of you if we didn't want you there."

After a few of these types of things, the next step was to deepen the relationship with those I felt some connection with. That would be going out with just them, or a smaller group, or a group separate from the original method of meeting.

It is very possible; I went from alienated and scared poopless (and believing I simply did not belong in this world, that I was missing "something") to having a range of friends from close to acquaitance-level a year later. I have no doubt it could be done faster if you have the courage, but it does take some time to build trust with people.

[Altaira]

CaryGrant, thank you for your terrific advice. Sounds like you did a great job turning your situation around.

My problem is that the female connections I already have, never get to the level of going out every weekend or so.

Thanks again.

[Schmoo]

I have the same problem, Altaira. Cary made good suggestions, except I'd be too terrified to do those things. I always feel more comfortable trying to befriend people in certain contexts (e.g., college friends, work friends, etc.) but once you take away the context, then I'm clueless. That's why I never maintain friendships over the long haul.

[CaryGrant]

Schmoo - the vegetarian group turned out to be my best source of friends and connections, mainly because I have the most in common with them. But the canoeing group, for example, had occasional get-togethers outside of canoeing, and I made sure to go, no matter how out-of-place I felt. I found that my repeated, friendly presence (I didn't have to be the life of the party) helped get people to accept and include me.

I also noticed that in most groups there is at least one extroverted, social person who wants to organize social activities (extroverts do have their uses!). Often these people will float ideas for get-togethers (like, "Hey, why don't we go bowling/to the pub/etc) after practice next week?"). Most of the others will sit on the fence to see who else is going to go (most people are sheep).

Once I noticed this, I started supporting the extroverts and their ideas. First, it helped get social events rolling. Second, the extrovert(s) then saw me as an ally, and they appreciated my support. Third, everyone remembered me as someone who was up for things, so I was more likely to be included. I even got to the point of being able to tell people, "If you hear of something fun going on this weekend, call me" - and they do, and now ask me to do the same!

So, keep at it, and the social stuff will get more regular, and the friends closer.