Delays in social interaction

[Tiff]

Mildman1 said:

Sounds like you're already friends. If you can't have a normal conversation with him face to face, what did you do for several hours when you went out with him socially? And if you don't think he's interested in what you say, why is it he keeps on asking you questions and encouraging you to talk more?

Your conversation with him was a liitle confusing. You seemed to suggest to him that if you can't look someone in the eye that means you don't like them. If you can't look someone in the eye it usually means that you fancy them. I've never been so nervous as with people I've found attractive, even to the level of near panic attacks.
He sounds like a nice person rather than shy. He's asked you about your private life; have you ever asked him about his? Maybe he's like you in that he wants to get to know you more and then see what happens - probably the best course for you.

But then again, Tiff, I've mostly been a failure in that department, so maybe you shouldn't pay any attention to me. Best of luck.

I think we are friends..partially. To be honest..not sure. We tease and joke around sometimes. As far as his private life, I have asked about it at times..what he does on the weekends..etc.

I figured you already realized that I fancy him..he knows that. I just feel all closed off and like I'm being scruntized so much..I feel like for example the way a clastrophic would feel in a closet..as if I simply have to leave...or something.

Anyawys, I am seriously working on trying to be around him better..visiting his cube or trying to...but like I said..hard to look at him. But I do glance at him when he's not looking at me and I think he sees that when he comes over around where I am.

It's all too confusing. But if anything happens, be sure to post away LOL

as far as that one time socially...I mean I was able to talk to him mostly and laugh too. I don't know, I know I was a little quiet, but I tried.

[Tiff]

GlasgowGuy said:

Hi Tiff,

I think this guy sees you more as a friend, which can be great too, but if he was really interested he would have made his move by now. However it's easy to build things up in your mind and imagine "what-if" when we don't get social support from many other people. However just interacting with this guy is probably good for you, so long as you don't fall too deep and get hurt...

Somewhere in a post you mentioned having trouble with eye contact - me too! The thing that worked for me was concentrating just an inch or so above their eyes, since I felt that if I looked straight at them they could detect my anxiety more. It's not perfect, but it's much better than staring at the floor

It's really interesting for me hearing a women's point of view on these things, as usually I'm too wrapped up in my own anxieties to notice. It is these eye contact/ body language things that I find the most difficult. I have seen communication likened to the "words, music (tone of voice) and dance (body language). I actually communicate OK in e-mail, and not too bad by phone, but the dance bit is just a total disaster! However someone once told me "the best you can do is the best you can do" and I try not to beat myself up about this too much.


p.s. I went to your website, it's really good, we like a lot of the same films:)

Hi!

GlasgowGuy - Nice to meet you and thank you for visiting my site!

I agree, this guy seems me more as a friend. And as far as getting hurt..I already went through that whole mess last year as far as dealing with it and well..I'm getting better. It's hard though, but as with all my other guy friends that I have liked before...it's all about time and eventually it all goes away and you seem them as a friend only. But he's a nice guy so atleast he hasn't used my liking him against me.

Thanks for the suggestion about eye contact. I just might do that. Atleast if I can look a little below the eyes...that's better than the floor!

As far as being so shy..it's guys that I like that are my problem. But everyone else..it's okay pretty much. If I feel like than adequate or...thinking someone is more experienced than me or done more...and I don't think I have anything interesting to say, then that's when the shyness comes out more so. But I have made strides and getting myself out there to try new things and hang out socially with people instead of staying at home alot.

I'm glad to be here to chat with everyone about it though it's nice to not be alone and offer each other some advice.


How is your shyness going..as far as when does it usually appear?

[spitzig]

Guest-1windingroad said:

I wonder if I'm the shyest person in the world sometimes. I'm 33 and the first time I really kissed someone was when I was 19 or 20 and it was a mercy kiss which she initiated. The next real time was when I was 25 and she was amazed how well I kissed. It was probably all that practice time I had between kisses. Later that same age I lost my virginity but found I was not in love like I thought. It's been 7 years since then and I've had a few blind dates and friendships that I just wasn't interested in converting to more. I have a friend who's frustrated that he hasn't had sex in about a year and a half....geez try 7 years buddy. I hope my sexual organ doesn't dry up because of the non-use! Here's to overcoming our shyness!!!

I went for almost five years without a date or sex. Most of college. Kissed a girl one time, but apparently it was unwanted.

I'd guess the reason you were good at kissing was because of where your FOCUS was(on her).

[Mildman1]

Tiff said:

I figured you already realized that I fancy him..he knows that.
Anyawys, I am seriously working on trying to be around him better..visiting his cube or trying to...but like I said..hard to look at him. But I do glance at him when he's not looking at me and I think he sees that when he comes over around where I am.

as far as that one time socially...I mean I was able to talk to him mostly and laugh too. I don't know, I know I was a little quiet, but I tried.

I'm glad that GlasgowGuy has taken up the reins and is offering another angle on things. Sometimes I doubt whether anything I can say can be of any practical use to you simply because everyone is unique, and my experience in this is not as wide as most.

However, following on from that I did know that you fancied him, and that he knew that, and thought that was why you couldn't look at him (and you have confirmed this by saying you're okay with male friends generally), and I don't know why I mentioned the eye contact thing.
I suppose the confusion regarding the conversation you had with him was down to mixing up the words like and fancy. You seemed to be saying to him that you couldn't look at someone you fancied, but just because you fancied them didn't mean you actually liked them (of course you can fancy someone without liking them), and you seemed to imply that you didn't like him. Anyway he knows you like him and fancy him.
Would you ever be able to say to him in a general , jokey sort of way: "Of course you know why I can't look you in the eye, don't you?Because you're irresistible to all us females" or some such like (Corny I know, but cheesiness seems to be part of the way we make clear that we're attracted to someone).
Glad you're taking some risks and probably becoming a little more confident as a result.