Delays in social interaction

[Tiff]

Hello everyone,

My first topic starter:

Did you find that your shyness created delays in your social interactions..such as joining a club in elementary or college..making friends as a child and eventually dating?

For me:

I know I played soccor as a kid but I didn't join in any of my school's activities so I lacked alot of the social interactions. In elementary/high school I sat alone and ate my lunch and I was teased alot for various things...being so shy and quiet and being overweight. I even remember getting yelled at by a teacher because I didn't want to be in our end of the year singing for all the parents because I was so shy. I remember spending the entire time in the classroom crying..

I also know I am very delayed in the dating area. I didn't get my first actual date til just a few months ago. I know shyness has definitely affected having and/or getting dates. What's strange is that since I haven't had a romantic relationship...I almost feel okay about it...since I really can't miss what I never had. As much as I think it'll be a nice addition to my life...I don't feel I "need" it and content for now as is, that is of course unless a guy comes along and it becomes something.

I would be interested in your thoughts on this!

[Twice-Shy]

I found that there was very little balance in my life until my third and final year in uni. Up until then, like you, I was crazy about soccer and played it literally 7 days a week. My whole life revolved around it. When I stopped playing I found that there was not much left in my life. I had a couple of hard years in uni were I was pretty lonely. I had never had a girlfriend up until that point. I didn't socialise.

Thankfully in my third year I found the joys of drink and women.

[unionjackattack86]

I was pretty late on the partner scene, I only got my first girlfriend last year at the age of 16 although I had my first kiss at 13.
I've missed out on lots of oppertunitys to go out socially, so many, I can't even count.
Its like my college tutor says, you will never know how many chances you've had of having a positive experience because you could never be bothered; or something along the lines of that.
I'm alot more open to new things now though however so hopefully, I won't miss out on many things for the remainder of my life.

[spitzig]

I had a girlfriend in the eighth grade, but it was just a junior high thing. We said we were going out, and hung out with each other a couple of times.

Lost my virginity as a senior, by asking a friend to find a girl to screw me.

A little before, or after that, I had one date, that went badly.

I got more outgoing my first semester in college and regularly had sex with someone. I eventually convinced myself I had fallen for her. It was really just sex.

I didn't have another date or even sex for another five years. I guess I've gotten SOME confidence since graduating, because I've gone out with several women since then. Multiple dates with three. Loved two of them.

In high school, I think the main thing that held me back was that I didn't go to parties. I didn't get enough social interaction outside my few friends. Within that group, interactions mostly consisted of playing video games. I didn't talk that much at school outside my friends, but more than I do now. Now, with people other than friends, I can talk about school, but not outside that subject very well.

[NewOrleansLady]

Yeah soccer players!!! I love soccer.

Anyway, I was too afraid to participate in things for fear of what people would say or think. It wasn't too bad until I hit highschool. I really wish that I could go back and do it all over again sometimes. I have gotten much better throughout the years. Now I'm at the point where I consider myself quiet and not so much shy. However, I'm sure others would still classify me as being shy.

[Mildman1]

GlasgowGuy said:

Tiff,

So you are definitely right that shyness does delay a lot of things, for me the questions is really how do we make up for all that lost time?

kind regards

Colin

I'm in my 30's and I wish I could go back because I'm sure that with my experience now I would handle things much better. My biggest regret is in respect to women. Although I have had a long term relationship I feel I wasted a lot of time in my late teens and early 20's entirely due to shyness. I regret that I hadn't the necessary social skills and confidence to push myself forward. I don't think I can ever make up for that lost time, and that's why I think that the worst thing you can do, with respect to anything, is not to try because of fear - It really is better to try and fail, even if you feel humiliated at the time.

[spitzig]

Yeah. Me, too. I'm only a little more confident, though. And, I'm only 27. Everyone wishes they knew then what they know know, though.

[Tiff]

GlasgowGuy said:

Tiff,

I know exactly what you mean - not just things have being delayed, but my social skills haven't developed as much as they should and that affects my to this day and naturally reduces my quality of life too. Missing out on social things like parties etc in my teens and after means I find it difficult to relax and be myself in company (though I am fine in writing/ e-mail). Not only does this mean I made fewer friends but more importantly lack the ability to make new ones. A more extroverted person, meeting me, would think my quietness meant I had nothing to say, rather than I found it difficult to say. People aren't mindreaders - if you don't communicate well, they have no way to judge your personality. Lacking that history of relationships and the skills that they develop, I think the only type of person who could be a partner for me would be one who had the same difficulty and would be patient with my inhibitions. However meeting such people isn't easy either:) So you are definitely right that shyness does delay a lot of things, for me the questions is really how do we make up for all that lost time?

kind regards


Colin

Hi Colin,

How do we make up for lost time? - well..I am told that we should be taking more chances. One area that I don't take chances in is..dating. I just chatted with a guy from work that I like alot..we chat on IM at home..joking..teasing and some flirting..and the topic of me being shy came up. He knows that I like him..anyways..he told me that I need to take chances and even ask guys out if they don't ask me. I'm an old-fashioned girl and I prefer them to ask. But he is right though..you need to take a chance on people..reach out...sometimes you win and sometimes you don't..but you have to try.

Colin, I agree about the social interaction and high school..and parties..it's hard for us shy people to make new friends...and for me..hard to keep my friends because I am very much a loner..I like my "me" time alot...so sometimes it's hard for people to understand that.

[Mildman1]

Tiff said:

Hi Colin,

. I just chatted with a guy from work that I like alot..we chat on IM at home..joking..teasing and some flirting..and the topic of me being shy came up. He knows that I like him..anyways..he told me that I need to take chances and even ask guys out if they don't ask me.

I hope I'm not being too nosy, but this guy that you like knows you're interested in him , that you're shy, and has advised you to take a chance by asking guys out. Is he asking you to ask him out?

[Mildman1]

GlasgowGuy said:

Tiff I agree with you 100% - of course taking risks is easier said than done:)



The dating part I find very hard (I though it would get easier, but I'm 33 and it never did) especially as taking a risk inevitably means handling rejection. Although people say "don't take it personally" how else can you take it?

I've recently suffered rejection. Someone I thought was interested in me, but obviously wasn't. It is personal, but just the very fact that I tried has spurred me on. What used to stop me from asking was a feeling of inferiority, of not being 'worthy'. I still feel this a little, but rather than dwell on it I'll take one step at a time. If I like someone I try not to think what may go wrong - you know, like what am I going to say to them on a date, or what if they find me boring? I even try to look at it from their point of view. They don't want to hurt you, it doesn't mean they think you're not good enough, they just don't fancy you, that's all. Rejection happens to everyone, even the most outgoing, best looking people. When I was younger, I knew someone was interested in me, but I just didn't fancy them, even though I liked them as a friend - so I 'rejected' them, but I didn't want to hurt them.

GlasgowGuy said:

Having said all that, in some situations my shyness isn't so bad. I was recently at a Spanish language course in Barcelona, Spain and after classes we would go out as a group most evenings. In a group where we were all new to each other I found it easy to talk, especially as in a group of 6-7 there weren't those awkward silences you can get one to one.

How did you become involved in this? Must have taken some courage.

[1windingroad]

I wonder if I'm the shyest person in the world sometimes. I'm 33 and the first time I really kissed someone was when I was 19 or 20 and it was a mercy kiss which she initiated. The next real time was when I was 25 and she was amazed how well I kissed. It was probably all that practice time I had between kisses. Later that same age I lost my virginity but found I was not in love like I thought. It's been 7 years since then and I've had a few blind dates and friendships that I just wasn't interested in converting to more. I have a friend who's frustrated that he hasn't had sex in about a year and a half....geez try 7 years buddy. I hope my sexual organ doesn't dry up because of the non-use! Here's to overcoming our shyness!!!

[Tiff]

Mildman1 said:

I hope I'm not being too nosy, but this guy that you like knows you're interested in him , that you're shy, and has advised you to take a chance by asking guys out. Is he asking you to ask him out?

Hi,

Mildman - To be honest..I'm not sure if he was asking me to ask him out. The man also said I have sexy legs LOL

Seriously though..he knows that I like him..why wouldn't he ask me..why does he want me to ask...is it.to be stronger instead of so shy? He wants me to take a chance on it. Question: Does that mean that he likes me too?

Check this: He knows I can't look him in the eye either. He said "you need to ask guys out if they don't ask you" and I said "I ask guy friends out all the time..for mall, movies..etc" and he said no: "Ask a hottie out, ask someone you can't look in the eye."

I just don't want to think he's just humoring me...

[Mildman1]

Tiff said:

Hi,

Mildman - To be honest..I'm not sure if he was asking me to ask him out. The man also said I have sexy legs LOL

Seriously though..he knows that I like him..why wouldn't he ask me..why does he want me to ask...is it.to be stronger instead of so shy? He wants me to take a chance on it. Question: Does that mean that he likes me too?

Check this: He knows I can't look him in the eye either. He said "you need to ask guys out if they don't ask you" and I said "I ask guy friends out all the time..for mall, movies..etc" and he said no: "Ask a hottie out, ask someone you can't look in the eye."

I just don't want to think he's just humoring me...

Tiff, there are of course questions i can't answer about him and you.
Are you happy with things as they are? Would you be prepared to risk rejection to know whether he wanted to take things further? Would it be better to know, even if he was happy with only friendship?
Is he shy? Is he a nice guy (I presume he is or you wouldn't like him)?

If he's shy then it would be hard for him to compliment you without meaning it. It would take too much effort in overcoming his shyness, unless he really felt compelled to show you he was interested. He may be equally worried about rejection, and so won't ask you.
Alternatively, he may just be a nice guy who wants you to feel better about yourself. Do you think he is a nice guy? if you were to ask him out socially, and he was a decent guy, but did not want to be more than friends, it shouldn't affect your relationship. I was keen on a girl at work, she knew it, and we got on well (although she didn't encourage me to take it further) . She turned me down when I asked her out, but we still had a good relationship after that. I preferred to know rather than never have asked, although this may not suit you.
Do you get any feedback from colleagues about him?
Do you ever go on works outings socially, a meal out etc. ? This can be a good way to get to know someone without committing yourself.

[Tiff]

Mildman1 said:

Tiff, there are of course questions i can't answer about him and you.
Are you happy with things as they are? Would you be prepared to risk rejection to know whether he wanted to take things further? Would it be better to know, even if he was happy with only friendship?
Is he shy? Is he a nice guy (I presume he is or you wouldn't like him)?

Thanks for answering!

To be honest...i'm not sure if i want to take things further (we hung out socially once in september had appetizers and beer at this place for a few hours I had fun). I mean..he's a nice guy and we have things in common that we like, I guess I would want to be friends if that is something he wouldn't mind (just a more 'wait and see' thing). I just can't look at him..I mean I can chat online with the man for 4 hours but I can't have a decent normal conversation in front of him ...I swear I turn 12 years old...I think nothing of what I would say would be of interest to him, why would he want to talk to me.

Alternatively, he may just be a nice guy who wants you to feel better about yourself. Do you think he is a nice guy? if you were to ask him out socially, and he was a decent guy, but did not want to be more than friends, it shouldn't affect your relationship.

I think that this is more what he's doing: he is a nice guy that wants me to feel good about myself. He compliments me, tells me I shouldn't care what other people think and to just be myself and do what pleases me and not care how people feel about it. Its nice and he believes I can do things, for example..he's a tech person (I work in the tech department as a secretary) and he thinks I would be great working on the help desk helping to solve computer problems..etc so thought it would be great if I transferred over there sometime.

Do you get any feedback from colleagues about him?
Do you ever go on works outings socially, a meal out etc. ? This can be a good way to get to know someone without committing yourself.

I know that he is well-liked, he's funny and helpful and nice. Actually a group of us went to this opening of another thing at our company and since I knew him and the guys in his group I hung out with them alot..he was nice..offered to fill my drink up and trying to get me to talk more..etc. He knows I'm shy and tells me not to be..nicely. It's just too bad..it's always been this way around him..way before we started chatting online..for as long as I have known him...almost 3 1/2 years in the same department.

He has asked about my dating life..I mean this is probably just general conversation trying to get to know me (he asked months ago...but I sorta made a joke about it..danced around it and it was dropped.). He asked if I ever had a boyfriend and if I ever wanted one...I told him the situation never came up...and he asked if I wanted it to and if I was ever curious or wanting to be apart of it..liked someone and wanted to experience all of that stuff...kissing, romance, sex..etc. (I'm guessing based on that he knows I haven't been kissed either LOL). Anyways....and that is when he told me that I should ask guys out that I can't look at and take chances and all.. So I guess he is encouraging me to try and just see what is out there experience life..etc.

I mean here's what he said to me:

Bob: ask them out
Tiff: asked guy friends
Tiff: I have no problem doing that
Bob: no, ask a hottie out
Bob: ask someone you cant look in the eye
Tiff: nah
Bob: why not??
Tiff: if I don't like them, there isn't any point
Bob: ok... so sonce you cant look me in the eye, I should take that as "you dont like me"?

Anyways, ..not sure if that is a hint or not...but that's what he told me so you have a better idea. Actually I think I confused him a bit..can't take it back though...

Anways that's basically it. Comments? (You're probably going to say: "I'm sorry I asked!" LOL )

I want to be happy talking with him, more confident (I think that is what he is trying to do...)I want to be confortable in being around him just having a normal chat face to face and even being friends...and if something happens from that then great..if that not..then I'm sure I will deal with that and appreciate the friendship that I could/can have with him.

But I have doubts as to him wanting to spend time with me..I don't want to take up his time..etc.

[Mildman1]

Tiff said:

Thanks for answering!

To be honest...i'm not sure if i want to take things further (we hung out socially once in september had appetizers and beer at this place for a few hours I had fun). I mean..he's a nice guy and we have things in common that we like, I guess I would want to be friends if that is something he wouldn't mind (just a more 'wait and see' thing). I just can't look at him..I mean I can chat online with the man for 4 hours but I can't have a decent normal conversation in front of him ...I swear I turn 12 years old...I think nothing of what I would say would be of interest to him, why would he want to talk to me.



I think that this is more what he's doing: he is a nice guy that wants me to feel good about myself. He compliments me, tells me I shouldn't care what other people think and to just be myself and do what pleases me and not care how people feel about it. Its nice and he believes I can do things, for example..he's a tech person (I work in the tech department as a secretary) and he thinks I would be great working on the help desk helping to solve computer problems..etc so thought it would be great if I transferred over there sometime.



I know that he is well-liked, he's funny and helpful and nice. Actually a group of us went to this opening of another thing at our company and since I knew him and the guys in his group I hung out with them alot..he was nice..offered to fill my drink up and trying to get me to talk more..etc. He knows I'm shy and tells me not to be..nicely. It's just too bad..it's always been this way around him..way before we started chatting online..for as long as I have known him...almost 3 1/2 years in the same department.

He has asked about my dating life..I mean this is probably just general conversation trying to get to know me (he asked months ago...but I sorta made a joke about it..danced around it and it was dropped.). He asked if I ever had a boyfriend and if I ever wanted one...I told him the situation never came up...and he asked if I wanted it to and if I was ever curious or wanting to be apart of it..liked someone and wanted to experience all of that stuff...kissing, romance, sex..etc. (I'm guessing based on that he knows I haven't been kissed either LOL). Anyways....and that is when he told me that I should ask guys out that I can't look at and take chances and all.. So I guess he is encouraging me to try and just see what is out there experience life..etc.

I mean here's what he said to me:

Bob: ask them out
Tiff: asked guy friends
Tiff: I have no problem doing that
Bob: no, ask a hottie out
Bob: ask someone you cant look in the eye
Tiff: nah
Bob: why not??
Tiff: if I don't like them, there isn't any point
Bob: ok... so sonce you cant look me in the eye, I should take that as "you dont like me"?

Anyways, ..not sure if that is a hint or not...but that's what he told me so you have a better idea. Actually I think I confused him a bit..can't take it back though...

Anways that's basically it. Comments? (You're probably going to say: "I'm sorry I asked!" LOL )

I want to be happy talking with him, more confident (I think that is what he is trying to do...)I want to be confortable in being around him just having a normal chat face to face and even being friends...and if something happens from that then great..if that not..then I'm sure I will deal with that and appreciate the friendship that I could/can have with him.

But I have doubts as to him wanting to spend time with me..I don't want to take up his time..etc.

Sounds like you're already friends. If you can't have a normal conversation with him face to face, what did you do for several hours when you went out with him socially? And if you don't think he's interested in what you say, why is it he keeps on asking you questions and encouraging you to talk more?

Your conversation with him was a liitle confusing. You seemed to suggest to him that if you can't look someone in the eye that means you don't like them. If you can't look someone in the eye it usually means that you fancy them. I've never been so nervous as with people I've found attractive, even to the level of near panic attacks.
He sounds like a nice person rather than shy. He's asked you about your private life; have you ever asked him about his? Maybe he's like you in that he wants to get to know you more and then see what happens - probably the best course for you.

But then again, Tiff, I've mostly been a failure in that department, so maybe you shouldn't pay any attention to me. Best of luck.