Post by iroseiroared3 on Aug 14, 2007 5:59:40 GMT -5
Man, my brain needs a rest. It's been going through a lot these past few weeks. 
Anyway, since some people responded to my post before this (thank you for listening ). I'll write another one. I have a feeling I annoy or bore people on this board much more than I contribute something considered worthwhile, but at least this is a place where I can get some of the stuff I want to say out.
I have the opportunity to save my own life and others' right now in a few different ways. I've been having problems with someone who is one of my best friends.. I told her how I felt, then I went through a short period where I tried to figure it out in my head, but eventually I gave in and told her yet again. (I think) we resolved part of the problem, but my feelings towards her during that period where I was holding back weren't nice. I felt some hatred or so I thought, and I even considered just pulling away and allowing our friendship to weaken to about half of what it was. I'm hoping things are ok now though.
I have another friend who has some major depression problems. I realized that what my other friend had been doing to me, I had been doing to friend #2. I resolved to not be that person and I wanted to change myself. See, the problem with my first friend was that it seemed like she was always putting down my ideas, and I felt that I did the same, so I wanted to open up and not only give friend #2 more time which she was in need of (b/c of her depression), but I could myself open myself up to her.
I realized I had two options. I could dump both of my friends and go back to my old ways. Or I could keep my first friend, who I never wanted to lose in the first place, and I could help my second friend's life, but the only way I could do this was if I could be happy within these relationships as well, which would force me to have to become more assertive. So here comes the problem which I've been trying to get to all along, which is with friend #2.
She is the same way as friend #1 in ways, actually though, a lot of people are like this. Now I never tell people what they can or can't do.. if I'm out with someone, I allow them to have their fun, and I expect to be allowed to have mine. But friend #2 a lot of times is like, "No, we're not doing this," or telling me to hurry up with something. I'll spend a half hour in a section of a store, and then when I get to mine, in 5 minutes she'll be asking me to go. If I allow this to continue, I'll just shy away from the friendship. To keep it together, things need to change.
The problem is that I want to move beyond yelling and getting angry. I want to be assertive in a kind manner. However, this is the major problem which has been driving me crazy.
Friend #1 had a way of getting what she wanted without being argumentative or mean. That is why it was so hard for me to tell her what I wanted, because she did it in such a self-assured and pleasant manner that I felt she was right, until I realized I wasn't getting what I wanted either, and even then it was hard to say anything. I knew she was the wrong one, but I felt I was in a trap because of her niceness.
What I'm afraid of is that if I'm nice and assertive with friend #2 in what I want, I'll also put her into that same trap. I know I shouldn't feel that way, since I'm only standing up for myself, but what if she starts to feel that I'm going too far and getting too much of what I want and I don't realize it, but she feels she can't say anything back to me because I come across as so self-assured. What if she then holds the resentment towards me that I did towards friend #1, when I felt she held the power? I don't ever want anyone to be as angry at me as I was at my other friend, so I feel like either way I go about it, I'm screwed. Do you guys think it's better then to just fight about you feel is right, instead of getting with you want with a smile on your face?
Anyway, since some people responded to my post before this (thank you for listening ). I'll write another one. I have a feeling I annoy or bore people on this board much more than I contribute something considered worthwhile, but at least this is a place where I can get some of the stuff I want to say out. I have the opportunity to save my own life and others' right now in a few different ways. I've been having problems with someone who is one of my best friends.. I told her how I felt, then I went through a short period where I tried to figure it out in my head, but eventually I gave in and told her yet again. (I think) we resolved part of the problem, but my feelings towards her during that period where I was holding back weren't nice. I felt some hatred or so I thought, and I even considered just pulling away and allowing our friendship to weaken to about half of what it was. I'm hoping things are ok now though.
I have another friend who has some major depression problems. I realized that what my other friend had been doing to me, I had been doing to friend #2. I resolved to not be that person and I wanted to change myself. See, the problem with my first friend was that it seemed like she was always putting down my ideas, and I felt that I did the same, so I wanted to open up and not only give friend #2 more time which she was in need of (b/c of her depression), but I could myself open myself up to her.
I realized I had two options. I could dump both of my friends and go back to my old ways. Or I could keep my first friend, who I never wanted to lose in the first place, and I could help my second friend's life, but the only way I could do this was if I could be happy within these relationships as well, which would force me to have to become more assertive. So here comes the problem which I've been trying to get to all along, which is with friend #2.
She is the same way as friend #1 in ways, actually though, a lot of people are like this. Now I never tell people what they can or can't do.. if I'm out with someone, I allow them to have their fun, and I expect to be allowed to have mine. But friend #2 a lot of times is like, "No, we're not doing this," or telling me to hurry up with something. I'll spend a half hour in a section of a store, and then when I get to mine, in 5 minutes she'll be asking me to go. If I allow this to continue, I'll just shy away from the friendship. To keep it together, things need to change.
The problem is that I want to move beyond yelling and getting angry. I want to be assertive in a kind manner. However, this is the major problem which has been driving me crazy.
Friend #1 had a way of getting what she wanted without being argumentative or mean. That is why it was so hard for me to tell her what I wanted, because she did it in such a self-assured and pleasant manner that I felt she was right, until I realized I wasn't getting what I wanted either, and even then it was hard to say anything. I knew she was the wrong one, but I felt I was in a trap because of her niceness.
What I'm afraid of is that if I'm nice and assertive with friend #2 in what I want, I'll also put her into that same trap. I know I shouldn't feel that way, since I'm only standing up for myself, but what if she starts to feel that I'm going too far and getting too much of what I want and I don't realize it, but she feels she can't say anything back to me because I come across as so self-assured. What if she then holds the resentment towards me that I did towards friend #1, when I felt she held the power? I don't ever want anyone to be as angry at me as I was at my other friend, so I feel like either way I go about it, I'm screwed. Do you guys think it's better then to just fight about you feel is right, instead of getting with you want with a smile on your face?
