not meant to be in a relationship

[Sweet Pea]

littlesongbird said:

Do you think it is possible that some people just aren't meant to be in a relationship? Could it be that someone is so insecure, immature and selfish that they can't ever be in a relationship?

it's possible that a person could be like that today, but none of us knows whether they'll still be like that tomorrow.

[phoenixferret]

littlesongbird said:

Do you think it is possible that some people just aren't meant to be in a relationship? Could it be that someone is so insecure, immature and selfish that they can't ever be in a relationship?

The only thing necessary to be in a relationship is for two people to want to be in a relationship together, so yes, I think anyone can be in a relationship. Whether it will last or not is another story, of course.

Insecurity, immaturity, and selfishness are traits that a person can work to change, if they can recognize these things in themselves and if they are serious about improving. But you don't have to be perfect to be happy with a partner. They say every relationship takes work, and I think a lot of that effort involves keeping insecurity, immaturity, and selfishness in check. If you read some of the mainstream love advice out there, you'll notice that the writers generally seem to assume that there will be quite a *lot* of those three things within a given relationship

If you're asking your question for yourself, I'd say that the main thing it would be important for you to work on would be the insecurity. Not only does confidence help you to get into a relationship, but when you're secure in your needs you can own up to any faults and gamely attempt to compensate for them. For the most part, I think if you're willing to try, your SO will love and appreciate you for it--and you will actually see a change in yourself as it becomes second nature to think before you act. And I think if you're worried about being selfish and immature, that means you're not so far gone that you can't recover, lol.

But if you're asking the question in regard to another person... I don't think it's usually a good idea to get into or remain in a relationship in which the other person is remarkably selfish and immature. The person may change with time, but the only way they'll change is if they can see what they're doing and they *want* to change. It's not at all a safe bet.

[ball4yourout]

I sort of reaching a point where I'm beginning to agree with the sentiment of the original poster.

When you reach a point and still have absolutely nothing happen, you just can't see it happening any other way. And even when it seems like things will change, you're given a harsh reminder of how things have not changed.

Example. Yesterday, I ran into a girl I've met and spoken with a couple times. She is very cute, but also very friendly as well. She's one of the few girls that actually proactively talked to me, ever. I approach her and I say hi, how you doing, etc. She barely acknowledges me, replies in a manner which is like she doesn't even know me. It really dampened my spirits.

There are so many girls around, but I can't get anywhere.

[gaz]

I think I am destined to be alone. I feel that being in relationship could be too much for me to handle.

[Sweet Pea]

littlesongbird said:

it sux when you want something, but can't have it.

what's that? you talking about a relationship?

[Linzi]

littlesongbird said:

it sux when you want something, but can't have it.

tell me about it, been there a few times before

[konnor]

phoenixferret said:

Insecurity, immaturity, and selfishness are traits that a person can work to change, if they can recognize these things in themselves and if they are serious about improving.

But if you're asking the question in regard to another person... I don't think it's usually a good idea to get into or remain in a relationship in which the other person is remarkably selfish and immature. The person may change with time, but the only way they'll change is if they can see what they're doing and they *want* to change. It's not at all a safe bet.

Not quite sure what you mean here.

You say that you can work towards changing traits such as Insecurity, Immaturity etc but then in the final paragraph you say that if its your partner trying to make these changes, its not a good idea to remain in the relationship. Isn't that kind of a double standard?

Presumably if you feel a person can change these traits (which I gathered from your post), you should also be prepared and supportive of your partner if they want to try, and not give up on the relationship.

Apologies if im just misunderstanding.

[phoenixferret]

konnor said:

phoenixferret said:

Insecurity, immaturity, and selfishness are traits that a person can work to change, if they can recognize these things in themselves and if they are serious about improving.

But if you're asking the question in regard to another person... I don't think it's usually a good idea to get into or remain in a relationship in which the other person is remarkably selfish and immature. The person may change with time, but the only way they'll change is if they can see what they're doing and they *want* to change. It's not at all a safe bet.

Not quite sure what you mean here.

You say that you can work towards changing traits such as Insecurity, Immaturity etc but then in the final paragraph you say that if its your partner trying to make these changes, its not a good idea to remain in the relationship. Isn't that kind of a double standard?

Huh..? Yeah, you've definitely misunderstood what I said. In fact I can't see how you'd get that from my post, lol, but let me try to rephrase.

It is possible for a person to become less selfish. But this is ONLY possible when the person can, in their own mind, identify their selfishness and truly desire to become a better person. And no one will change just because you, the partner, want them to change and hope they will change.

I think it is a very bad idea to stay in a relationship with a selfish person in the hopes that one day they will suddenly cotton on to what you've been trying to explain and realize how selfish they're being and change their ways. It may happen, this spontaneous conversion, but you're gambling days, month, or years of your life on the possibility. And in the meantime, by remaining in a relationship, you may actually be enabling the selfishness by continuing to supply affection.

Presumably if you feel a person can change these traits (which I gathered from your post), you should also be prepared and supportive of your partner if they want to try, and not give up on the relationship.

If you're married or have a kid together, I'll say that yes, in my opinion you "should" give the person the opportunity to change, almost definitely (perhaps depending on the depth and nature of the selfishness, and the willingness to change). Other than that, isn't it just individual choice? If you love your partner, you should want to give them a chance to mend their ways. But I don't think you have an obligation to stay in the relationship just out of a sense of fair play.

[lennythegiant]

littlesongbird said:

Do you think it is possible that some people just aren't meant to be in a relationship? Could it be that someone is so insecure, immature and selfish that they can't ever be in a relationship?

That's the way I feel sometimes. At 22 I've hit a point where most people have some sort of relationship experience to talk about, while I have none. But I also realize I haven't really put myself out there that much. I'd like to think that when I do put myself out there more, I'll be able to find a girl out there that will put up with me.

[Outcast]

littlesongbird said:

Do you think it is possible that some people just aren't meant to be in a relationship? Could it be that someone is so insecure, immature and selfish that they can't ever be in a relationship?

Yes. I believe it is possible. Because right now, i feel i am that someone. The truth hurts sometimes...

It's really hard. When you try your best, to change. Again and again. Only to fail, and see that your right back where you first started. Yeah, it makes me wonder now, if it is even possible for me to be in a relationship. Especially when i don't even know how to have a friend for starters.

I really hate it when i'm down like this. But sometimes i feel , i am just fooling myself, when i force myself to think positive. (Sighs).

[unionjackattack86]

littlesongbird said:

Do you think it is possible that some people just aren't meant to be in a relationship? Could it be that someone is so insecure, immature and selfish that they can't ever be in a relationship?

well in the bible (I can't remember which book e.t.c.) it says something along the lines of, some people are meant to get married, some are meant to serve God and some just stay single. I've often considered myself to be the last one as I've only ever had one girlfriend and since we split up, I've been single for 5 years. It does seem at times that I'm destined for this life but I believe we all have the ability to get in a relationship.

I've met 3 or 4 girls over the past 5 years who I could have potentially got into a relationship with but for whatever reason, it just never happened. I haven't given up hope just yet though, I'm only 21 and hopefully will live a long life so who knows what might happen. You read of some people meeting and marrying when they are in their 80s so I suppose one should never give up hope. You might have to wait a few weeks, might be a few years but I think eventually you will meet someone.

[WinceRind]

littlesongbird said:

I think most people are screwed up and aren't worth it.

I'd respectfully disagree... everyone has his or her own issues to deal with, but I don't think this "screws us up" to the point of not being able to deal with other rational folks (or so I keep telling myself!

Yeah, some folks have difficulty due to their personality types. I can see how things such as insecurity and selfishness (which to me seem pretty different from one another) can make it hard to adjust to the ups and downs of relationships -- but isn't that the very nature of human interaction?

I do think that such personality traits and behaviours can be changed, though, to better accomodate getting into (or for that matter starting) relationships. I don't think it's _easy_, not by a long shot, but I think it can be done -- there's always hope yet!

[annaa]

littlesongbird said:

Do you think it is possible that some people just aren't meant to be in a relationship? Could it be that someone is so insecure, immature and selfish that they can't ever be in a relationship?

Absolutely!
Also I don't think anyone should convince themselves otherwise. If you've got feelings for someone like that (insecure/immature/selfish), it would be wrong to think that you can 'rescue' them from that kind of darkness.
To put in all that effort and give so much of yourself to a person like that is a huge mistake as you'll end up feeling very drained (and then possibly you'll end up as the insecure/immature/selfish one).
If someone has issues like that they need to be left well alone, so they can work through whatever hurt or issue it is that's making them feel that way.
Perhaps once they've done that kind of work on themselves you could then consider a relationship.

*This comes for a personal (bad) experience

[ty78]

I definitely think some people aren't relationship people(generally the selfish ones). I'm not sure its natural for everyone anyway.

[audioalone]

Well it is or can be hard work. I tried in my former marriage, and it still didn't work out. He had his faults and I had (still have) mine. I'm still too selfish, so I think I'll stay single (well, divorced, you know what I mean) until I get rid of some of my selfishness. I know I was on "cloud 9", but later (after getting married), things didn't go as well as I thought they would and resentment built up. Of course we only stayed together 2 years, but I have to say it seemed longer than 2 years for ME! It's just a good thing we didn't have children together (he was 16 years older than me, and had been married before, so he had grown children and grandchildren!) Well I think I'll stop now. I'm getting longwinded again. I was hoping I was marriageable, but I guess I found out I was wrong. Okay I'll shut up now on this post .