HELP!

[deadendphilosopher]

This is long, but I would really appreciate advice and feedback!

I ran in to the guy I wrote about in my confusing mess thread in the cafeteria at brunch today, and he asked me to watch a movie with him, and I was caught way off guard and said yes. We saw the movie at 7:00, we talked for about 40 minutes afterward (he did most of the talking and it was kind of awkward), and then I went to meet a friend. I got back to my room at about 1:00, and was about to go to bed when I heard a knock on my door, and guess who was there!

I had just mentioned to him which dorm I lived in, and he must have searched the whole thing to find my room. He told me that he called my room 5 times while I was gone, and I think he came up and knocked on my door at least a couple times before I was back. When I answered the door after saying hi, and explaining this to me, he said, "You're probably going to go to bed now, I guess I should leave," and I said "yeah I should really go to bed, I need to get up early and do work in the morning," and he said "ok" and that he had just wanted to come by to chat for like 10 minutes, and I didn't want to be rude, so I said he could come in for a few minutes.

Well a few minutes turned into at least 40! (Partly my fault because I kept on asking him questions to fill in the awkward silences.) Then when he left, he hugged me (something he's done before), and the rest of what happened is a little blurry, but he wound up hugging me again and asking if he could kiss me on the cheek! I indicated "no", and in explanation said "You have a girlfriend." I think he muttered something like, "maybe that's what's right" or something along those lines.

Then it got really awkward, and he commented that it was awkward and apologized, and he had moved to the door, but he kept standing there looking at me. He confirmed that we were just friends, and we confirmed that back and forth a couple times. He then, after saying he should leave a couple times, walked out of the door, and I said, "bye" as he left, and then he came back in, and said something about being confused, but wasn't being very coherent. I think he said something about the kiss on the cheek not meaning anything, so that is why he was confused. Then he asked for another hug, and I hugged him (though I regretted it a second later), and he left. (He also kept apologizing for putting me in an awkward situation.)

Then he called me as soon as he got back to his dorm to apologize for the awkwardness, and to say that asking to kiss me on the cheek was just a friendly thing, and that it didn't occur to him until afterwards that it could be interpreted differently. He said it's something he does with all of his friends. (Which may be true, he is from Zimbabwe, so maybe customs are different there.) He said I mentioned something to him a long time ago, (about this subject) and I said yes, I had mentioned that I wasn't sure why he wanted to be friends with me in the first place, and then he said that he didn't know, that him and his friends just sometimes messaged people they saw around campus on facebook to get to know them. He also said, "I could ask you the same question," and I didn't have a good answer to that. He also said if I wanted him to stop talking to me in general to tell him, and than he would stop.

So I'm basically REALLY confused and stressed out. I don't know what to make of this. I would appreciate anyone's thoughts.

[phoenixferret]

It sounds to me like he's grooming you to be his bit on the side. I'd say it's pretty obvious he doesn't mind screwing around on his girlfriend one bit. Maybe he thought his friendly kiss on the cheek would lead to something "just happening" between you two.

He's got a girlfriend, and he's basically dating you. He asked you out to a movie at night and then went to your home to "talk" and touch you! Since this guy doesn't have the sense or the decency to end things, you're going to have to be the one to put a stop to this. "Confirming back and forth" that you're just friends after an awkward kiss..? You know this guy is interested in getting physical with you.

He's basically laid his cards on the table at this point. You can keep letting him push you further until you inevitably end up making out with him or sleeping with him and feeling more confused; or you can try to see him only very occasionally and never alone if he's someone you still want to keep as a friend--and only a friend--for whatever reason; you can tell him to dump his poor girlfriend so you can be his new patsy; or my personal favorite: you can tell him to buzz off.

He knows he's putting your friendship on the line. He's said he'll understand if you stop talking to him because the two major options here are to either continue on the road that started with a movie date and a kiss, or to stop seeing each other at all. It's awkward now that he's made it clear what he wants, and will continue to be awkward until all that sexual tension gets either shattered or shelved.

[pnoopiepnats]

Ok let's get real here.

You know deep down this guy wants more than friendship.

Are you attracted to him? Now be honest. You can pretend not to be but you are just kidding yourself.

Why are you allowing this to happen?

A man doesn't show up at a woman's place at 1am unless he is hoping to get friendly.

Why didn't his girlfriend go with you two to the movies?

This is a slippery slope just leading to trouble. You already know the guy is a cheater. You have to ask yourself again why are you letting this go on?

End the "friendship" and save yourself a lot of heartache.

[deadendphilosopher]

Thank you for the response PheonixFerret. I really appreciate it!

To clarify, he didn't actually kiss me, I basically said "no" when he asked. I would never let this progress to making out or sleeping with him. And I think I may be the one who brought up the friend thing - I think I said "You just want to be friends right?" Also, we didn't go out to see the movie, we watched one in his dorm room in separate chairs when we could have sat on his bed.

But yeah, my initial response was, "wow, how can he do this to his girlfriend?" He really didn't seem like that type of guy to me - he seemed really mature and responsible. I definately don't want him to break up with his girlfriend. But I don't know how to just tell him to "buzz off," especially when he says he's only interested in friendship. I guess I should probably have some courage, and do it anyway even though I don't feel completely confident that that's what he's after.

[deadendphilosopher]

pnoopiepnats said:

Ok let's get real here.

You know deep down this guy wants more than friendship.

Are you attracted to him? Now be honest. You can pretend not to be but you are just kidding yourself.

Why are you allowing this to happen?

A man doesn't show up at a woman's place at 1am unless he is hoping to get friendly.

Why didn't his girlfriend go with you two to the movies?

This is a slippery slope just leading to trouble. You already know the guy is a cheater. You have to ask yourself again why are you letting this go on?

End the "friendship" and save yourself a lot of heartache.

Thank you for your response too!

Honestly I do not feel attracted to him! At least not physically, and definately not to a large extent emotionally. If he was single, I wouldn't want to go out. I felt like there might have been potential when he first friended me, but now I don't feel like that.

Why am I allowing this to happen? Well basically I'm confused, I'm scared to change things because I don't want to hurt his feelings and/or be presumptuous, and for a while I was thinking that maybe he was good friend material. He seemed like a really good, decent person. Though if he was really coming on to me, obviously he isn't.

I'm not sure where his girlfriend was, I thought maybe she was gone on midsemester break.

[phoenixferret]

deadendphilosopher said:

Thank you for the response PheonixFerret. I really appreciate it!

To clarify, he didn't actually kiss me, I basically said "no" when he asked. I would never let this progress to making out or sleeping with him. And I think I may be the one who brought up the friend thing - I think I said "You just want to be friends right?" Also, we didn't go out to see the movie, we watched one in his dorm room in separate chairs when we could have sat on his bed.

But yeah, my initial response was, "wow, how can he do this to his girlfriend?" He really didn't seem like that type of guy to me - he seemed really mature and responsible. I definately don't want him to break up with his girlfriend. But I don't know how to just tell him to "buzz off," especially when he says he's only interested in friendship. I guess I should probably have some courage, and do it anyway even though I don't feel completely confident that that's what he's after.

I think watching a movie alone together in his dorm room is even more fishy than going to a movie theater, no matter where you sat. "Going back to his place to watch a movie" is almost as notorious as "going upstairs to see his etchings," lol. And afterward he tracked you down despite the fact that you didn't tell him exactly where you lived? He called you five times before you got there, after just having hung out with you? He hugged you and asked you if he could kiss you on the cheek? That doesn't sound "friendly" to me. As Pnats brought up, if you guys are getting to be such good friends, why haven't you met his girlfriend yet? Why has he hardly mentioned her except when you bring up her existence, when presumably she's a major part of his life?

I think it's pretty safe to conclude he wants more. The reason some cheaters manage to keep it up so long is precisely because they project an aura of trustworthiness. Survival of the fittest liar: if they're not good at it, they're liable to get caught and dumped, and you can't cheat without a partner to cheat on.

[pnoopiepnats]

If you thought all of this was just being friendly, you wouldn't be on here asking about it.

Trust me, this guy wants to get into your pants.

Don't worry about hurting his feelings. You won't.

You REALLY need to stop worrying about being rude and hurting feelings. You have to put yourself first in these situations or you will find yourself being used and hurt.

[Sweet Pea]

there could be some cultural differences causing communication problems, but i think this guy is speaking the international language of hanky panky, lol.

[deadendphilosopher]

I guess you guys are probably right. : ( I should tell him I don't want to hang out anymore. But how? Should I call him and say something like, "I've been thinking and I realized that I don't really feel comfortable hanging out anymore." ? Or should I say something when I run into him next (though who knows when that will be), or would it be appropriate to send him a message on facebook? (That options feels kind of like a cop out.)

And if he askes why, what should I say?

[Bodhi]

deadendphilosopher said:

I guess you guys are probably right. : ( I should tell him I don't want to hang out anymore. But how? Should I call him and say something like, "I've been thinking and I realized that I don't really feel comfortable hanging out anymore." ? Or should I say something when I run into him next (though who knows when that will be), or would it be appropriate to send him a message on facebook? (That options feels kind of like a cop out.)

And if he askes why, what should I say?

I also think he most definitely has intentions of being more than friends. He was almost stalking you by calling you 5 times and finding your dorm room and coming there at 1 am. I think if things hadn't been so awkward he would have tried making more of a move, he was probably just trying to feel out the situation to see how you would react.

My advice would be you could not change anything in your relationship yet, he might have gotten the hint and accepted you two will be just friends. BUT if anything else happens that shows he is still trying to be more than friends with you, you should then tell him you are not comfortable with him acting that way and maybe you shouldn't be friends anymore. Hopefully he got the hint that you are not interested and will back off, but if he doesn't, you really should make things clear to him.

[Sweet Pea]

deadendphilosopher said:

I guess you guys are probably right. : ( I should tell him I don't want to hang out anymore. But how? Should I call him and say something like, "I've been thinking and I realized that I don't really feel comfortable hanging out anymore." ? Or should I say something when I run into him next (though who knows when that will be), or would it be appropriate to send him a message on facebook? (That options feels kind of like a cop out.)

And if he askes why, what should I say?

if it were me, i'd call or send a message to him asking him to call and check with you first before coming by. then if the dorm is attended, i'd ask the attendants to stop him if he tries to enter the building and check with you first. you'll have to be really consistent though. don't do things to send double messages like you have been. make a decision, tell him what it is, and stick to it. you're not doing him any favors by being wishy washy. he could get into real trouble by being confused about what you really want.

[deadendphilosopher]

bodhi395 said:

deadendphilosopher said:

I guess you guys are probably right. : ( I should tell him I don't want to hang out anymore. But how? Should I call him and say something like, "I've been thinking and I realized that I don't really feel comfortable hanging out anymore." ? Or should I say something when I run into him next (though who knows when that will be), or would it be appropriate to send him a message on facebook? (That options feels kind of like a cop out.)

And if he askes why, what should I say?

I also think he most definitely has intentions of being more than friends. He was almost stalking you by calling you 5 times and finding your dorm room and coming there at 1 am. I think if things hadn't been so awkward he would have tried making more of a move, he was probably just trying to feel out the situation to see how you would react.

My advice would be you could not change anything in your relationship yet, he might have gotten the hint and accepted you two will be just friends. BUT if anything else happens that shows he is still trying to be more than friends with you, you should then tell him you are not comfortable with him acting that way and maybe you shouldn't be friends anymore. Hopefully he got the hint that you are not interested and will back off, but if he doesn't, you really should make things clear to him.

The thing about him trying to feel the situation out makes sense. I don't think I really want to be friends anymore though. I just feel too weird about the situation, and I feel kind of disrespected and used, and I certainly don't want to disrespect his girlfriend. Would it be bad for me to just say that I don't feel comfortable hanging out with him if he asks again? (Or if he shows up at my dorm?)

[Sweet Pea]

deadendphilosopher said:

The thing about him trying to feel the situation out makes sense. I don't think I really want to be friends anymore though. I just feel too weird about the situation, and I feel kind of disrespected and used, and I certainly don't want to disrespect his girlfriend. Would it be bad for me to just say that I don't feel comfortable hanging out with him if he asks again? (Or if he shows up at my dorm?)

not at all, just don't let any kissing or hugging happen...that's a double message that most guys will interpret as encouragement. i hear guys right on this site talking all the time about how women don't really know what they want, yada yada yada. alot of guys believe that, and if you don't send a clear message that you're not interested they just see 'green light'. the best thing you could do for him right now is to give him a very clear 'red light'. don't let things get to the point that you need a restraining order to get the point across.

[deadendphilosopher]

sweetpea said:

deadendphilosopher said:

I guess you guys are probably right. : ( I should tell him I don't want to hang out anymore. But how? Should I call him and say something like, "I've been thinking and I realized that I don't really feel comfortable hanging out anymore." ? Or should I say something when I run into him next (though who knows when that will be), or would it be appropriate to send him a message on facebook? (That options feels kind of like a cop out.)

And if he askes why, what should I say?

if it were me, i'd call or send a message to him asking him to call and check with you first before coming by. then if the dorm is attended, i'd ask the attendants to stop him if he tries to enter the building and check with you first. you'll have to be really consistent though. don't do things to send double messages like you have been. make a decision, tell him what it is, and stick to it. you're not doing him any favors by being wishy washy. he could get into real trouble by being confused about what you really want.

What if he asks why I want him to call? The dorm isn't attended, but I don't think he would come by without checking with me if I asked him not to. You say not to do things to send double messages like I've been doing: do you mean don't do things like hang out with him alone? We have different groups of friends, so if we hang out at all it would probably be alone. If he asks me to hang out should I make an excuse, or should I tell him that I don't feel comfortable doing that? I don't want to be wishy washy, but I'm feeling very uncertain of how to go about this, especially because he is operating under the pretense that he just wants friendship.

[Sweet Pea]

deadendphilosopher said:

sweetpea said:

if it were me, i'd call or send a message to him asking him to call and check with you first before coming by. then if the dorm is attended, i'd ask the attendants to stop him if he tries to enter the building and check with you first. you'll have to be really consistent though. don't do things to send double messages like you have been. make a decision, tell him what it is, and stick to it. you're not doing him any favors by being wishy washy. he could get into real trouble by being confused about what you really want.

What if he asks why I want him to call? The dorm isn't attended, but I don't think he would come by without checking with me if I asked him not to. You say not to do things to send double messages like I've been doing: do you mean don't do things like hang out with him alone? We have different groups of friends, so if we hang out at all it would probably be alone. If he asks me to hang out should I make an excuse, or should I tell him that I don't feel comfortable doing that? I don't want to be wishy washy, but I'm feeling very uncertain of how to go about this, especially because he is operating under the pretense that he just wants friendship.

don't be afraid to respond to his not so hidden agenda because he states he just wants friendship. listen to your gut and act accordingly. you say you know you don't want this situation, so state that to him clearly and cut off contact. you're under no obligation to have a kissy huggy relationship with a guy in a relationship with another girl if that's not what you want. i have no problem with people having open relationships if they prefer it, but you have no reason to believe he's being honest with his gf from what you've posted here.