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Post by smartie on Nov 30, 2003 11:40:32 GMT -5
It's fair to say that those of us who are here to attempt to beat our social phobias and shyness are looking for help and support. Can anyone shed any light as to what is deemed to be appropriate in terms of support?
I read some of the postings on here, and I hate to say it, but they come over as feelings of self pity. I've done it, for years. You can be offered as much support as you can handle, but if you elect to take what is offered as a 'crutch', and you never decide that you are going to walk alone without it, then you will remain emotionally crippled for life. What have any of us done to deserve that.
I realised years ago that 'if I don't start today' that I would turn around as a very old man and realise that everything I had waited for had never come. The mail man won't be posting the new you through the letter box; not today, not any day.
If you just read the words on this site, and then continue to post 'woah is me' responses you will never get anywhere. You might as well read the Old Testament, because you are just as likely to draw your lessons from that as you are from this site. I sincerely believe that any genuine posters on this site are strong people, (in spite of what I have just written), and that part of being strong is accepting that here and now is the place to stop being negative. You probably won't believe what you are writing or telling yourself when you start being positive, but then again you weren't born thinking of yourself as a loser either. It's a condition, and you have been conditioned to think like that through experience. New attitudes to experience will mean new conditioning. Positive thinking works every time... we should all know that, as it is negative thinking that has brought us all here in the first place!
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Post by CaryGrant on Nov 30, 2003 12:32:00 GMT -5
Without knowing someone fairly well, it can be difficult to figure out when they just need to vent (and will then get back to working on overcoming their SA), and when they are just complaining.
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Post by smartie on Dec 1, 2003 16:54:22 GMT -5
Hi CG, I read your reply to my original posting. I am not intending to be critical of any member or guest on this site,(not destructively any way) I am trying to be observant, and I am hoping to draw inspiration and lessons from what I read here. You made the point perfectly in your reply - I don't know anyone, and no one knows me. Regardless of how well we write, there is still opportunity for misinterpretation, and we can only hope to pass the most rudimentary facts about ourselves over in our posts, whether they be descriptions of our problems, attempts at advice, or observations.
Yesterday I had a private message which suggested that I ought to assume that other people using this site are idiots (either by virtue of their relative youth, or by the fact that I should look upon them as fuck ups). It was suggested that I should address them as such. I can't do that, because not only is it an insult to them, but it's a denial of what I am. I express myself as best I can, and to be honest, my written English is a cause of anxiety for me.
Personally I am here to learn about myself, and to try to use this place as a forum for my thoughts, fears and hopes. I get very little chance to communicate in any other way, as I stammer badly, lose track of myself easily, and avoid speaking where possible. I spend a lot of time isolated, and so I yearn to communicate (I am not lonely, but my shyness keeps me away from people through their misunderstanding of me as aloof, anti social, or igniorant).
This is a last chance saloon for me. I am not meaning to be dismissive or rude, and I welcome any criticism of a constructive nature. I may well argue with anyone who berates me, but at least I will think about it, and maybe some of what will be said will be true.
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Post by moogle on Dec 1, 2003 21:37:34 GMT -5
None of us here are professionals, so all we can offer is suggestions for things that have worked for us and, the thing that I think is most important, understanding. Here we share the knowledge that we are not the only ones that feel this way. I know that there are some that won't find this site helpful at all, but I think that sometimes you do just need to complain, and if you're shy, who do you have to complain to? And then there are threads that try to delve a little deeper and analyze why we are this way.
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Post by MissAnxiety on Dec 2, 2003 11:20:10 GMT -5
I like to write out my thoughts sometimes because I have no alternative on how to express my feelings. It sometimes makes me feel better, not because I want pity. Hope you all don't take me the wrong way.  It's nice to have this site because at least most of us are going through or have been through the same problems of being shy, and we can just "talk" about it  . |
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Post by smartie on Dec 2, 2003 17:04:07 GMT -5
You are right moogle, but I have something to say further about it - we may not be professionals, but we are experienced, and I think that makes all of us experts. When we express our pain, frustration and puzzlement at our condition, and the reasons for it, we are accessing the body of painfully learned knowledge of what it is like to be shy, socially phobic, and have various anxieties.
I have been here a couple of weeks, and I have learned that we are NOT all the same. I have encoutered people who are here solely to sort out their matters, rather than to try to pool resources with others inorder to try to make all of us stronger in our fight against our problem. It's sad, but they have the choice to do that if they wish. The majority seem to be united in their support of what is effectively a group of strangers with a common goal. Personally, that makes me feel very good. My opinion, which I have arrived at through reading the posts, is that the help is here if you see it. It goes deeper than just reading the words - I always consider the position the poster is saying they are in, or that they have been in. None of us was born to be shy forever, although genes can have some influence on it. The actions some take are borne of desperation, and it is their courage to keep trying that has brought them on. I am applying some of the things I have read about, I am inspired to keep trying new things by others.
I often rant in writing too, but I always end the rant with some positive stuff, even if I don't believe it as I am writing it. Conditioning to new thoughts takes time, but it works, I know it because it is changing my life NOW. I promise you, if I can do it, anyone can, but it takes effort and it hurts. Why? Because there is a part of me (and each of you) deep inside that thrives and lives because of my shyness. It doesn't want me to change, because it will die. Every time I try and leave it, it will whisper to me that confidence, good feelings and progress are not for me. It tells me that yes, shyness is horrible, but at least it's not out there - in the unknown.
Each time this little demon tries this with me now, I kick it in the nuts. It was hard at first, because I had decided to proactively destroy what is part of me, even though it's a part of me that I don't like. It is getting easier and easier, and the little bits of confidence I am now feeling are as joyful as Christmas mornings to a kid.
It's a good feelling, and I deserve it. All of you do too, but you have to work at it. I hope you all get there in your ways, you don't desreve to be crushed by shyness.
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