Post by Thado on Jan 20, 2004 3:01:39 GMT -5
Im not shy. When my grade depends on talking in front of class, i'll do it, because its the most important thing in my life. Its the reason i live. For my future. And when that becomes jeopardized by not going up in front of the class and giving a report... thats where i draw the line. Thats where i suck it up and be a man... a bigger man than most men ever are.
At first i can deny it. I can trick myself into thinking, "meh, theres only 10 more minutes of class, and still another person who's going before me... I'll get to go tomorrow". But then as they're finishing up, and taking questions, then i start to shake. I start to sweat. I turn red. My palms get wet... I start to panic. Its hard to breathe. Its hard to think. I can hear my heart beating, i can feel my stomache in my throat. But fuck it... i get up anyway... and i start off, sounding like a joke. And kids give me weird looks, expecting a show, because i've done this many times, and its always the same. My voice is too soft, then too loud, the words jumbled and out of place. I realize I would rather be dead. I would rather be buried alive. I would rather be crucified. I would rather be anywhere else. The class can see me squirming, and they watch. Painfully, i give my report. No matter how well its written, how long i spend preparing it, it will never come out correct. No one can understand my mumbled ramblings. I forget to breathe out, so now my lungs are full of air, and every word i say is an octive higher than it should be, and i can only get out two or three words before I have to take another breath. It sounds like im on helium. Im done. Now its time to go sit down, go measure the damage to my pride, go lick my wounds and try to forget what just happened.
But wait... oh sweet fucking jesus. The teacher stops me, she's got a question. Can't she see im a bumbling idiot up here? I want to kill her. I cant hear her question over the sound of my own heart beating, but i act like i understand and nod like a fool. I say yes, and spew out random information in such a way i cannot reproduce it here. And now its finally over. I go and sit down. I can hardly hold back the tears, and im shaking so violently that i can hear my desk creaking. At least this time i didnt run out the door to vomit. But i am not shy. I do it every time. I'm the bravest little bastard i know... I can eat any bug, i can take any needle, i can face my own death. And the scariest thing of all, giving those god awful reports... i do them every time, and although i dont get an A on them, I dont fail them either. Indeed the teacher does show some mercy. To those of you who are shy: Breathe deep and get angry. You have to be the bravest people in the world. You have to face a fear more frightning than death. So bite your lip, close your eyes, and do your shit.
At first i can deny it. I can trick myself into thinking, "meh, theres only 10 more minutes of class, and still another person who's going before me... I'll get to go tomorrow". But then as they're finishing up, and taking questions, then i start to shake. I start to sweat. I turn red. My palms get wet... I start to panic. Its hard to breathe. Its hard to think. I can hear my heart beating, i can feel my stomache in my throat. But fuck it... i get up anyway... and i start off, sounding like a joke. And kids give me weird looks, expecting a show, because i've done this many times, and its always the same. My voice is too soft, then too loud, the words jumbled and out of place. I realize I would rather be dead. I would rather be buried alive. I would rather be crucified. I would rather be anywhere else. The class can see me squirming, and they watch. Painfully, i give my report. No matter how well its written, how long i spend preparing it, it will never come out correct. No one can understand my mumbled ramblings. I forget to breathe out, so now my lungs are full of air, and every word i say is an octive higher than it should be, and i can only get out two or three words before I have to take another breath. It sounds like im on helium. Im done. Now its time to go sit down, go measure the damage to my pride, go lick my wounds and try to forget what just happened.
But wait... oh sweet fucking jesus. The teacher stops me, she's got a question. Can't she see im a bumbling idiot up here? I want to kill her. I cant hear her question over the sound of my own heart beating, but i act like i understand and nod like a fool. I say yes, and spew out random information in such a way i cannot reproduce it here. And now its finally over. I go and sit down. I can hardly hold back the tears, and im shaking so violently that i can hear my desk creaking. At least this time i didnt run out the door to vomit. But i am not shy. I do it every time. I'm the bravest little bastard i know... I can eat any bug, i can take any needle, i can face my own death. And the scariest thing of all, giving those god awful reports... i do them every time, and although i dont get an A on them, I dont fail them either. Indeed the teacher does show some mercy. To those of you who are shy: Breathe deep and get angry. You have to be the bravest people in the world. You have to face a fear more frightning than death. So bite your lip, close your eyes, and do your shit.
