Talking about shyness to a non-shy person

[Bashfulme]

What makes me angry is when I tell someone about my problem with shyness but instead of saying something to show they are sympathetic (obviously they are NOT sympathetic) they go on to say how they LOVE talking to people and how outgoing they are and that they love being in the middle of everything, and going out and doing things with people and bla bla bla. That only makes you feel worse because

1. they didn't give a crap about what you just confided in them and totally ignored it by talking about themselves
and
2. they just ended up putting you down after you were looking for sympathy or at least a listening ear


I think I have decided not to talk about my shyness with people who aren't shy any longer, THEY JUST DON"T GET IT.
However, I have no one else to confide in.

[Irene]

This has happened to me, but I think sometimes it's not that they don't care, just that maybe they don't really understand, they don't know how to respond and that's all they can come up with. It's sometimes hard for people to understand others who are different, so they just try to bring the conversation to something they can easily talk about. Of course, you also have to be careful about who you confide in.

[CaryGrant]

What Irene said, plus:

* Some people are very self-centered, so no matter where the conversation starts, it very quickly turns to them
* Some people are threatened by personal disclosure, because they are afraid to share themselves, so they quickly turn the conversation to something they can handle
* Some people don't believe you're shy, because you are talking to them and you just disclosed something personal - so they treat you as they see you, not as you see yourself

Regardless, people who cannot empathise and/or who only want to talk about themselves...who needs them?

I once heard a great suggestion for making conversation and determining whether you want to get to know someone better: Ask the person questions about him or herself. If, after several questions, s/he does not ask you anything about yourself, the person is too self-centered and you don't want anything to do with him/her.

[Alecto]

I agree with Irene and CaryGrant. Those people either don't understand what it is like, or they are very self centered.

[Japanese]

My "friend" : Hey, we are going to a club for a drink, you wanna join us?

Me: Sorry, I don't feel like it tonight. Maybe some other time.

My "friend": What? Is anything wrong? You wanna talk to me?

Me: That's all right... It's kind of complicated.

My "friend": Come on, talk to me. I am a good listener.

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I made a huge mistake. I started to talk about "it" and ended up listening to his 7 hour and 50 min long stupid totally pointless talk, while I probably spoke only 10 min out of the whole 8 hours we were on the phone. True story.

Lesson learned: Never talk about "it" to a "good listener"

[Bashfulme]

Wow, that totally sucks. I feel for you. What did he talk about for that long? How he used to be shy and got over it?
I hate it when superoutgoing people decide to say they were shy, and you think to yourself "yeah, sure, you were shy once".

[Japanese]

Bashfulme, actually this guy is a non-shy all his life and he claims that he is open-minded. What happened was that every time I start to say something, in 10 sec or so, he always cut me off and started to talk about what he thought was right, what he thought was good for me, etc. (and of course they were all pointless, because he hadn't heard me out and everything he said was based on nothing but his assumption) . As a "Japanese", I really hate to cut off other people's talk in the middle, so I just listened. We repeated the same thing (he spoke 30 min. Me, 10 sec.) over and over......

[Alecto]

That's pretty rude.

Does he only cut you off when talking about shyness or does he do this all the time?

I know quite a few people, who, no matter what you're talking about they gotta start interupting and talk about themselves.

Sometimes I have snapped and gone "Hey could you just shut up for 5 minutes!"

[CaryGrant]

Hi Japanese - ouch! 8 hours of your life gone, never to be recovered, to a dweeb.

Instead of the lesson being never to talk about "it," perhaps the lessons could be to a) be more assertive, and b) pick better friends?

I've actually gotten to the point where I hang up on people who won't listen/take no for an answer. Two quick examples:
* I went through a tough time with a family member who was not happy with a decision I made. Every time we talked on the phone, it rapidly degenerated into her verbally abusing me and telling me what I "should" have done. I warned her I would not be spoken to that way, she persisted, I said I would not continue this conversation, she said "Don't you hang up on me" and continued with the abuse and judgements. I hung up. She was warned. It took several calls and some time between calls for her to get the message that, no matter what she thought of my life or her "right" to tell me what she thought, I did not share the same view and thought enough of myself to act upon it.

* Ok, this one's quicker: frickin' telesales people, especially the ones who try and make you feel guilty because they're calling from a charity. They start talking, I say no, they say, "Very well sir, then what about THIS plan." Again, I say no, I am not interested, and they are still usually babbling as I hang up.

I do find that some people will take advantage of natural human courtesy (which the Japanese have more of than other cultures). I say, respect me or talk to the dial tone.

It's hard to find friends who will listen non-judgementally and not try to give you advice (which I did above - groan), but they are out there. And some people just need to be told that you just want to talk, because I think it's normal to want to help.

[Japanese]

I hate it when superoutgoing people decide to say they were shy, and you think to yourself "yeah, sure, you were shy once".

Yes, Bashfulme, I totally understand. Not only about "shyness," I always hate it when some people totally forget what they used to be, and act like they are superior to me now>.

Does he only cut you off when talking about shyness or does he do this all the time?

Alecto, he does that all the time, no matter what we are talking about. So does his girlfriend. One time, though, I said to them "what's the point of asking me questions if you don't want to hear my answer!"

Instead of the lesson being never to talk about "it," perhaps the lessons could be to a) be more assertive, and b) pick better friends?

Yes, Cary, definitely I need to work on a) especially. And as for B), you said:

It's hard to find friends who will listen non-judgementally and not try to give you advice (which I did above - groan), but they are out there.

It is true that "they are out there." In spite of so many ordeals with some people, I feel fortunate to have a couple of friends like that. It's not that they always understand me, but at least, they don't keep going on and on based on their false assumption on what I am going to say. At least, they say something based on what they actually heard from me.

* Ok, this one's quicker: frickin' telesales people, especially the ones who try and make you feel guilty because they're calling from a charity. They start talking, I say no, they say, "Very well sir, then what about THIS plan." Again, I say no, I am not interested, and they are still usually babbling as I hang up.

I sometimes wonder if those people have a manual or something that tells them NOT to act like a human.

"How much do you spend on long distance call a month?"

"None. I don't make long distance calls, and I know I won't. "

"We are now offering a special plan for.......blah blah.."

I really don't think those people are that stupid by nature... there has to be a manual that pushes them to become insanely aggressive or become a robot.

One Japanese company called me one day, though, and it was the only exception.

"How much do you spend on long distance call a month?"

"None. I don't make long distance calls, and I know I won't. "

"In that case, we are sorry that we interrupted you. We hope you have a wonderful evening."

We ended up chatting about 20 min. and she was successful making me choose their company, if I need to in the future.

[Alecto]

People who are very judgemental, and won't even let you finish your side of the story are very annoying to me.



Japanese, your post reminded me of people who were calling me everyday to get me to subscribe to the newspaper. After telling them 100s of time that I didn't want it, when I told them I can't read they never called again.. ;D

[Japanese]

After telling them 100s of time that I didn't want it, when I told them I can't read they never called again..

Good one! ;D

Next time I will use it, or I could say, "noooo...no Engulishhuuu... no undaaastaandooo" with my heavy accent. ;D

[Alecto]

haha

Now I just need to come up with a good way to get rid of these satelite people

[Rosiemoore]

CaryGrant said:

* Ok, this one's quicker: frickin' telesales people, especially the ones who try and make you feel guilty because they're calling from a charity. They start talking, I say no, they say, "Very well sir, then what about THIS plan." Again, I say no, I am not interested, and they are still usually babbling as I hang up.

Lol - I really don't like salespeople, either the telesales ones or the street ones!! I've heard they are trained to take advantage of a person's natural sense of guilt and sense of what they "should" do, in order to pressurise the person into buying from them!! So I dislike them on principal, because of the way they use & abuse shy people to make money!!

[mrsindependent]

I would never do that....I don't think. No one at my past jobs have known about it. But I think it really started to get bad when I starting taking data entry positions which take place in a production environment. I don't remember having trouble talking to my co-workers when I worked at Roy Rogers or any of my other restaurant/retail jobs.