Shyness due to past trauma

[John]

Hi all,

Up until around 8th Grade, I always remember being an extremely outgoing child. I always had a comment to make, or a joke to tell, I performed in school plays, showed people card tricks, had no problem approaching asking another kid if he/she would like to visit my house.

Then something happened:

Once I hit about 14, my parents decided they no longer wanted me to go to public schools (despite my continuous stream of 90s+) and decided to send me to a private school because the "environment" would be a better influence on me.

The only problem was - the first year at that private school was the last year at my Junior High. I had spent three years at this Junior School and grew to expect that I would graduate with my life-long friends the fourth year. I begged and pleaded with my parents to allow me to do my last year at my junior high so I could graduate with them, THEN send me to the private school. They refused.

Suddenly everyone I had grown up with, all of the people I became attached to...all gone. That secure little world where I could be as sociable and expressive as I wanted quickly vanished, and I was part of a new world now.

I was originally enthusiastic, until I realized exactly what type of kids attended this prestigous "private" school. The first day, literally four kids cut me in line, one of them physically pushing me aside ordering "move it, Geek". I turned to the girl who was standing behind me and asked "Should they be cutting the line like that?" to which she responded "Hah, obviously YOU don't know the way things work around here".

As the year went on, I made numerous attempts to make friends with my new fellow students, but at the lunch table every time I attempted to join a conversation, every time I attempted to connect with any of them- they would either look at me funny, "mimick me" or say that what I was talking about was stupid.

This feeling of mass- rejection soon took a toll on me, and I began to do very "out of character" things.: I cut classes specifically to avoid certain people. I stopped studying and immersed myself into video games and the internet. I no longer told jokes or stories or did card tricks anymore.

This was just around the boom of the world wide web and suddenly this new "internet world" became a substitute for a real life. No more going to the beach, because there was a "conference at 3PM" on a website that day.

No more going to take a swim down at the Y, because one of my IM buddies was going to team up with me in an online game. I became socially withdrawn, lonely, and sad. Hours were spend literally hugging my pillow (while attached to my computer) because of the debilitating, horrible loneliness.

I ended up flunking out of this private school. There was never a moment in my life where I had felt totally and utterly destroyed, any type of moment where I felt things were simply "over" for me - but this was that moment.

To add insult to injury, my parents then enrolled me in the local public High School that all of the kids I was very close with in Junior High were now attending. It was like history repeating itself! All of these kids who had graduated together were now in their own little "cliques", and I was no longer a part of anything anymore. The guys cared more about spending time with their girlfriends than having me as a regular friend. The girls cared more about spending time with the boyfriends they had made in Junior High instead of having me as a friend/boyfriend.

I was too messed up by then to attempt to make friends with any new person and nobody ever approached me (not that they should have), thus I had no friends in High School either.

I studied my ass off and managed to to make it through high school - the year ending with me not going to the prom (asked three girls, all rejected)

I am now an adult enrolling in University and am completely and utterly terrified. Now that I have seen the "dark" side of human behavior, and I'm not so gullible anymore, there is always a part of me that thinks:

If you attempt to be friends with them, they will laugh at you. If you attempt to be outgoing with her, she will snap at you and tell you that you obviously don't know the way things work. If you attempt to make friends with him, he'll "imitate" you.

There is a kind of ingrained paranoia in me - the feeling that people really aren't what they seem and at any moment, he/she could just turn on me.

I no longer trust people. I find it hard to see the good in people. I don't think anyone would ever really like me, and if they did, I would think it was some kind of trap.


Can anyone here to relate to this "feeling"?

I feel encased. There seems to be no way out of my "shell" again. What can I do?

[Stijl]

Thanks for sharing your story, John.

I had similar problems. From a popular, animated person to this depressed, slow, unhappy one - by virtue of a few key events in my life - so can most certainly relate to your story. Recovering now, though.

The advantage of entering University is that you will meet more diverse people, which should increase your chances of forming friendships.

As hackneyed as it seems, I think it's important to get the most out of University life. As important as academic grades are, growing socially is equally important.

I'm sure you realise your paranoia isn't rational and authentic. Even the most rude, vile personalities have some element of goodness - you just have to look for it. And you can't expect people to look for the good in you if you don't look for the good in them.

Approach people. Ask questions and start discussions in class. Show your sense of humour and your good side. It's easier said than done, but you owe it to yourself.

As long as you're genuine, things will improve. Truly.

Don't be put off by a select few who want to damage your self-concept by belittling you - their insecurity shows more than anything. I know you understand that.

I'll end by saying becoming the person you want to be takes a comprehensive approach. You need to practice your outgoing personality everywhere: with family, at the supermarket, at University.

Good luck.

[anonomie]

John,

Your post was very moving...it brings up more emotions than I can express here and I totally empathize with you to the point of overidentifying. I too was more outgoing as a kid (I was never super popular...i've always been shy), but I NEVER had trouble making friends. I went to college, had a BLAST and really found myself there and became very sure of myself. I becane so sure of myself that I opted to go to a prestigious private school right after college.

My story is much like yours, except worse because sadly these are adults...yes, the same adults who we "entrust the future generations to." The bullying behavior you described is what I experienced and continue to experience on a daily basis, but I haven't stopped it from allowing me to be friendly, however, some days I break down in tears in the hallways (when no one is looking), and sometimes I feel so damned and forsaken that I stop caring if any one sees me.

From being on this site I met a friend here who advised me that at richer schools, this is the behavior because rich kids think they can intimidate others...unfortunately, you were too young when this started to see those jerks for the inhumane monsters they were. The sad thing is...as much as I wanna say that those kinds of people get their just deserts...so, so, oh so many just bully their way to the top of the corporate ladder or become your boss. I was never bullied as a kid, but I find adult bullying much much worse because you just expect more of them.

Although the tactics are different in adult bullying, the pain is the same. I had to seriously do MANTRAS to keep my self-esteem at a slightly below average level. It is very very very psychologically and emotionally violent and to the extent that I rack my brain to understand the psycho behavior that fuels bullying, I plead to God to help such empty, emotionally bankrupt people.

I am glad you are reaching out for support. It sounds like you are ready to heal. From my bullying experiences I have done a lot of reading and you can be assured that the main reason for bullying is the fact that you are indeed a fundamentally good person and that alone is a deep threat to others and rather than try to emulate that goodness they see in you, they punish the person and chip away their spirit.

I am now struggling because I am making some friends after a year of relentless bullying, deep depression, anxiety, and loneliness. But because of the "past trauma" I am finding it hard to get close to others feeling that at any moment they may turn on me because in adult bullying they don't shove you or jack your lunch money. Nope, that'd be easy. Instead, they cozy up to you, get to know you and act all bubbly and outgoing, then they spread rumors behind your back or plagiarize your homework. So sad how parallel child and adult bullying is. As one priest was quoted as saying, "there is no such thing as an adult."

Anyway, I would strongly, strongly suggest you consider some therapy (it's good to get support here, but you need some face to face support. I also say it beacuse I found just venting to someone so helpful). Also you need to get educated about bullying to help yourself heal and empower yourself. One site that helped me begin the process was www.bullyonline.org. Best to you and God Bless!