franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Mar 31, 2005 6:12:57 GMT -5
I've found time and again that shyness is a very tough thing for people to understand. My own mother thought I was a snob! And she couldn't understand why I wasn't more social. She thought that I couldn't belong to this family and that I was "switched at birth" as reported by my sister. I still feel the sting from that one. One of my best friends in college who was also shy thought the real reason I wasn't in relationships was because I didn't want to. And she often criticized me for not getting excited about anything. Its very hard growing up shy. You just wish there was one other person who could understand you. Well it's worse when your sister reports to you that your mom thinks you're gay. I would have preferred if she said switched at birth. I know what you mean about wishing someone would understand. It has been a relief for me in the past when someone said to me "Oh, you're so shy". You know in that case I knew that they got it instead of thinking I was miserable and unfriendly.
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Post by Toltec on Mar 31, 2005 6:14:53 GMT -5
My family doesn't understand it either. Despite my efforts to explain shyness, my mother still thinks that I hate everyone and have no interest whatsoever in social activities.
I believe I have less social urges than most people, but certain urges still exist.
I also used to get teased if I had any contact with girls, especially by my mother. I swear, she never misses an opportunity to make a fucking comment...
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Post by zaab on Mar 31, 2005 13:22:46 GMT -5
It has been a relief for me in the past when someone said to me "Oh, you're so shy". You know in that case I knew that they got it instead of thinking I was miserable and unfriendly. I used to take this as an insult. I hated, abhored that side of me and stewed in anger when someone acknowledged it. I accepted that side of me. Now I'll even tell people that I'm shy just so they won't conjure up alternate and worse explanations for my behavior. Sometimes I have to do some heavy arguing before they believe me which is a good sign. I'm not so obviously shy anymore.
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Post by zaab on Mar 31, 2005 13:27:43 GMT -5
yes, if they haven't experienced it, probably almost impossible. fortunately alot of people have experienced some sort of shyness to some degree at some time, and can empathize to some extent. i mean, if they WANT to they can...but that brings in another issue. Yes, but I know from experience that there are a surprising number of people who haven't come to terms with their own shyness. They can't understand themselves so they can't even begin to understand you.
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franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Apr 1, 2005 17:29:26 GMT -5
I used to take this as an insult. I hated, abhored that side of me and stewed in anger when someone acknowledged it. I accepted that side of me. Now I'll even tell people that I'm shy just so they won't conjure up alternate and worse explanations for my behavior. Sometimes I have to do some heavy arguing before they believe me which is a good sign. I'm not so obviously shy anymore. I think it's good if you're brave enough to tell them, although I have seen many articles that if you are a guy hoping to meet someone then telling them you're shy automatically puts you at a disadvantage as many women will not consider shyness an attractive quality. The time the girl said to me "Oh, you're so shy" I would love to have talked to her again after that even just to find out why she said it and maybe to see if I might have been more at ease around her. But it was her last day at my workplace when she said that and I never seen her again.
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NickH
Full Member
Posts: 160
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Post by NickH on Apr 1, 2005 19:08:50 GMT -5
Hi Nick, just out of curiosity what were your parents attitudes like towards sex and relationships? Was it an open subject in your house or something that wasn't really talked about? I can't recall a time when anyone in my family openly had a conversation about that stuff, i certainly never sat down and had that specific discussion but i learn't about sex and stuff in school which i obviously needed parental concent for so that covered it really which is probably why it was never brought up in an educational sense. I think if i did bring the subject up now then there would be no problem in discussing it, so its not a closed topic, but thats just never happened. My parents know pretty well that I had major problems with shyness and they definently know I'm not gay because I had my room plastered with all kinds of girly posters for years and I made a few attempts with girls over the years. So I am forced to assume that they think my chronic bachelorhood is due to me being a loner and not having a whole lot of friends in general. Sometimes I wonder how much they think about it. I think thats the same with me, i'm hoping my parents know about my shyness problems (they should do) and so think that i've never had a girlfried etc due to those problems. I know what you mean about wishing someone would understand. It has been a relief for me in the past when someone said to me "Oh, you're so shy". You know in that case I knew that they got it instead of thinking I was miserable and unfriendly. When people have said this to me in the past i have always taken it as a negative thing, like meaning theres something wrong with me that i'm shy and don't talk much like there having a dig at me, which has usually resulted in me getting embaressed and remaining even more tight lipped. The annoying thing aswell is that there have been some situations where i've tried really hard to be more outgoing around others and think i have done well, but then it gets back to me that people still wondered why i'm so shy and i'm like "wtf i thought i hid it pretty well?" I also used to get teased if I had any contact with girls, especially by my mother. I swear, she never misses an opportunity to make a fucking comment... I remember my mum used to do that to me in primary school cos i had a few friends who were girls and she used to tease me that they were girlfriends. Why do parents do this? Your supposed to be interested in girls so what possible benefit could this have. I never had any girlfriends in primary school (if you can call them that at that age anyway) but maybe i would have if she hadn't done that (can't use that as an excuse now as i know better).
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franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Apr 1, 2005 20:44:46 GMT -5
Regarding the teasing thing. I was talking about this in another thread and it seems to be quite common among shy guys. When my therapist asked me to fill in sheets of automatic thoughts and then give "relevant childhood data" the most significant data I could come up with was being teased by my parents as a kid and their attitudes towards sex as something not to be discussed.
At no time did my parents talk of girlfriends as a normal thing. It would always be in a way to try and get me to give a shy reaction so that they could see their teasing was working. It really amazes me when I see kids on TV talking about girlfriends or boyfriends to their parents and it just comes across like a natural conversation.
I think there must be some effect from the teasing, not least because I remember the teasing very well, probably because they aren't good memories. I have memories even from 4 years of age. At about 6 or 7 years of age I remember being teased to the point of tears by both my parents for supposedly looking at topless women in the tabloid newspapers we have in the UK, which I hadn't done, but which they thought would provoke a strong shy reaction from me.
Thinking about that as I'm typing really annoys me because it's just so f**ed up. The only time they could bring themselves to mention girls or sex was to tease me and that was twisted parenting. It's the reverse of good parenting. Like screwing up your kid's mind and teaching your kid natural things are shameful, just for entertainment.
This is the whole reason toxic shame really hit home with me when I first read about it. I am embarrassed about my own feelings. To even show my romantic interests and needs to anyone is embarrassing. "To feel need is to feel shame" As John Bradshaw said in one of his books.
At the end of the day I might have been shy in any case due to my temperament, but my parents certainly done a good job of making girls and my interest in them something to hide and be ashamed of.
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Post by HybridMoment on Apr 2, 2005 1:54:25 GMT -5
I can really understand what you mean about being embarassed to show romantic interest because of your parents.
I have always felt that I could never talk to my parents about anything like that. Even as a child I actually had thoughts that if I ever were to get married I would not invite my parents (or the rest of my family) to the wedding. If I were to go out on a date I would never tell them and lie that I was going to meet a friend (and specifically mention it was not a guy) or that I had to go to the library for a school project in fear that they would laugh at me.
At least you are seeing a therapist and maybe are going towards getting over this kind of awkwardness. If you do work through this problem I'm sure many of us here would like to hear how you did, because we could use the same advice.
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Post by Toltec on Apr 3, 2005 1:39:38 GMT -5
There might be a relationship between shyness and being teased by parents. However, I was only teased about girls, yet I'm shy around everyone, male or female.
I wonder where one could poll the general (non-shy) population about these kinds of things...
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Post by zaab on Apr 3, 2005 2:04:16 GMT -5
There also might be a relationship between shyness and taking your parents seriously.
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franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Apr 3, 2005 11:29:40 GMT -5
There might be a relationship between shyness and being teased by parents. However, I was only teased about girls, yet I'm shy around everyone, male or female. I wonder where one could poll the general (non-shy) population about these kinds of things... I'm not sure. I am also shy around everyone, but more severely around girls. Like I said, I believe that was my temperament in any case, but being teased about girls more than likely played on that sesitivity I already had and made it worse with the opposite sex. I have a much easier time making small talk with guys, but could never do the same with the opposite sex With guys it's like I'm comfortable enough that I can force myself, but I'm not in that position with girls.
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franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Apr 3, 2005 16:14:56 GMT -5
That's a good point Sweetpea. I'm still living at home and I'm nearly 27. My mom doesn't want me to move out, but I haven't really had any incentive to move anyway. I would only move somewhere on my own and have never had much of a social life.
It's like that programme I was watching recently called "switched". Where young people swap homes and lives for a week. Well it often ends with these people of about 17 saying it really made them confident to realise they could socialise and network pretty well away from home. I know I couldn't really do that since I can't do it anywhere.
In some ways I worry that could also be worse for me. I seen a study on shy guys a while back and it painted a bleak picture of a lot of them being on their own living in small apartments with not many friends and very isolated.
I definately take the point though. I am in a comfort zone and besides I live in a not so good area which adds to my lack of desire to go out a lot of the time.
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franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Apr 4, 2005 7:07:21 GMT -5
don't overlook the fact that your relationship with your mother is filling 'social needs' to a certain extent, as well as providing diversion, taking up available time for socializing, etc. i'm not saying this is a 'bad thing'. but if you remove yourself from the situation, you may find that you will have motivation to get out and seek contact with others that you presently do not have. It's another good point although I still think i've learned to live without being lonely that there would not really be much motivation there. The truth is I could only find out by getting out of my bubble so it's a valid point.
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Post by Princess Caraboo on Apr 4, 2005 16:53:19 GMT -5
My family no longer ask so i tell them nothing.Deep down i think they know i have some issues but are allowing me space to deal/cope on my own terms.
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Post by Max Power on Apr 12, 2005 15:19:41 GMT -5
Its a don't ask don't tell policy at this point. I just assume they all think I'm gay. Same here, except they know I'm not gay. Years ago I had Playboys and stuff lying around. They know about my shyness but they don't speak on it.
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