franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Mar 25, 2005 15:29:32 GMT -5
For those of you who have never had a relationship and are in your 20s or more what kind of things do you say to your family about lack of a girlfriend / boyfriend?? Do they ask?
I have taken to saying nothing or making stupid jokes just to avoid the questions. I'm talking about my mom or sister here, but unfortunately I don't even like the idea of seeing my cousins and other relatives as they will know that something is up.
I just dread being asked the question of who I'm dating because I know it's going to be asked. It's just such a normal question that presents no problems for non shy people, but since I'm not a good liar I don't know what I'd do. I would love to be more open with my cousins and uncles etc. but I just couldn't deal with that sort of conversation. If that issue came up I think I would be so anxious it would just be a give away.
My mum thought I was gay at one time and I don't know what other members of my family think. They would think something, but I don't know what. Maybe I should start dressing like a priest so they don't ask anymore.
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Post by zaab on Mar 25, 2005 15:38:18 GMT -5
Its a don't ask don't tell policy at this point. I just assume they all think I'm gay.
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Post by Tal on Mar 25, 2005 17:53:35 GMT -5
I tell them nothing. If conversation drifts towards the subject, I simply stop talking.
To be honest, my close family (3 people) are either clueless and thus don't ask, or are content with me staying at home and remaining single (more likely imo).
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franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Mar 25, 2005 19:01:27 GMT -5
Ha, yeah I was doing the stop talking tactic for quite a while. Now I just say stupid stuff instead to get off the subject. Yeah, with some of my relative's it is a don't ask don't tell policy. It's like that with my dad, one of my uncles, but other family members I don't know what they will ask because I don't see them often.
It's terrible really because at this point the only guarantee I have of going to see friends who I could go out with is my cousins. In fact they're the only friends I have who I can call up to go out somewhere. Instead of taking that opportunity I completely avoid seeing them.
I'm sure some of my family think I'm weird / unfriendly, but they have no idea the reason I didn't go and see them when I was in town was down to my anxiety about them asking those sorts of questions.
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NickH
Full Member
Posts: 160
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Post by NickH on Mar 28, 2005 19:33:37 GMT -5
Its pretty much the same for me, my family have occasionally mentioned this but i come up with some way of avoiding the issue, changing the subject or something to get out of answering the question. My mum occasionally picks on me about it (which isn't normal for her so i just ignore it), my dad never really mentions it (god knows what he thinks but we have a good relationship so i don't worry about it too much) and my sister sometimes brings it up but in more of a positive way, like giving advice (which still annoys me cos i'm unable to use it due to my fucking problems). I've never openly discussed my shyness with my family but i assume they know its an issue, they should know me by now as i've been living with them for 21 years. I'm pretty sure they don't think i'm gay either, i'd be suprised if they did.
Dunno what else to say really, i guess my family kind of adopt a live and let live policy on the subject, hoping one day my love life will kick off properly (which obviously i'm hoping for, but its hard to see it happenning).
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franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Mar 29, 2005 13:10:56 GMT -5
Hi Nick, just out of curiosity what were your parents attitudes like towards sex and relationships? Was it an open subject in your house or something that wasn't really talked about?
I ask because I often wonder is the don't ask don't tell policy I experience now just an extension of the don't talk about it policy towards relationships when I was a kid.
In other words would a "normal" open family adopt a don't ask don't tell policy with their grown up kids or would they make sure they talked about it openly and suggested therapy or whatever other possible treatment.
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Post by zaab on Mar 29, 2005 13:23:47 GMT -5
Hi Nick, just out of curiosity what were your parents attitudes like towards sex and relationships? Was it an open subject in your house or something that wasn't really talked about? I ask because I often wonder is the don't ask don't tell policy I experience now just an extension of the don't talk about it policy towards relationships when I was a kid. In other words would a "normal" open family adopt a don't ask don't tell policy with their grown up kids or would they make sure they talked about it openly and suggested therapy or whatever other possible treatment. I often wondered the same thing about my family. I'm still waiting for my sex talk and I'm 35. I still believe in storks for criminy sakes. "Just leave him alone, it will all work out eventually." That was the attitude I picked up. It didn't work out, btw.
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Post by HybridMoment on Mar 29, 2005 21:22:59 GMT -5
When I was younger my parents would make jokes or say say stuff like "When you older you boyfriend can drive you to the movies and we'll save on gas" when I wanted to go to the theater; all hinting towards me just being too young to have boyfriend.
After about age 19 they just went under the asumption that I disliked being social and was going to be alone for the rest of my life. So they never talk about it and perhaps don't even care. My siblings (ranging from ages 15-17) still joke and have a laugh riot about it as if it would be the funniest thing in the world if a guy ever showed slight interest in me.
As for my parents ever giving me a sex talk; they never did and just thought I would figure it out on my own (but I guess they never knew at age 5 I found their porn magazines and became quite obscenely knowledged on the subject LOL) I think my mother did have some kind of talk with my sister, but it was more about avoiding bad guys or what to do if a guy was fresh with her or something.
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Post by zaab on Mar 30, 2005 1:54:57 GMT -5
The only one in my family who showed the slightest interest was my sister. She attempted to set me up on dates a couple of times. I resisted. Maybe I shouldn't have. It just seems natural to not listen to your older sister. That's when my mom said to leave me alone. My sister at least got a book about sex. I got nothing which left me with the assumption that my own parents didn't even think I was going to be successful with women. I don't know. I think I wanted some sign from them. Any sort of concern, not that godawful silence that speaks volumes, as if I was some parapalegic who they knew would never walk so why even bring it up. Misdirected overconcern would've been bad as well. But present and future parents take note: ignoring your children's problems sucks as a parenting method.
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Post by zaab on Mar 30, 2005 11:15:25 GMT -5
sometimes it sure is hard to get them to talk about what's bothering them though. Well yeah, that's a very fair point.
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Post by Medici on Mar 30, 2005 18:49:11 GMT -5
My parents know pretty well that I had major problems with shyness and they definently know I'm not gay because I had my room plastered with all kinds of girly posters for years and I made a few attempts with girls over the years. So I am forced to assume that they think my chronic bachelorhood is due to me being a loner and not having a whole lot of friends in general.
Sometimes I wonder how much they think about it.
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franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Mar 30, 2005 19:47:16 GMT -5
My parents know pretty well that I had major problems with shyness and they definently know I'm not gay because I had my room plastered with all kinds of girly posters for years and I made a few attempts with girls over the years. So I am forced to assume that they think my chronic bachelorhood is due to me being a loner and not having a whole lot of friends in general. Sometimes I wonder how much they think about it. Ha, there's obviously differing levels of shyness here. I would feel too awkward to have any girlie poster in my room despite the fact I would love to have done so.
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franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Mar 30, 2005 19:52:32 GMT -5
I often wondered the same thing about my family. I'm still waiting for my sex talk and I'm 35. I still believe in storks for criminy sakes. "Just leave him alone, it will all work out eventually." That was the attitude I picked up. It didn't work out, btw. The same happened with me. My mom used to say. "Oh, he'll grow out of it" When I seen my doctor about depression years later and told her my mom had said that she shook her head. She seemed to think it was bad parenting to assume that a kid will grow out of it. I remember when I was 13 and through one of my moms friends I found myself in a house with loads of very attractive girls. My mom jumped at the chance to say "Oh, he's shy around girls". Needless to say I was mortified as it was such an unnecessary comment and really killed and chance of me striking up a friendship with any of these girls. In fact one of the younger girls took the opportunity to tease me.
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franco
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by franco on Mar 30, 2005 19:58:12 GMT -5
When I was younger my parents would make jokes or say say stuff like "When you older you boyfriend can drive you to the movies and we'll save on gas" when I wanted to go to the theater; all hinting towards me just being too young to have boyfriend. After about age 19 they just went under the asumption that I disliked being social and was going to be alone for the rest of my life. So they never talk about it and perhaps don't even care. My siblings (ranging from ages 15-17) still joke and have a laugh riot about it as if it would be the funniest thing in the world if a guy ever showed slight interest in me. Notice the assumption is kind of like you are at fault or have made some kind of strange choice. Why don't parents question themselves?? I know I would if I found my kid was different or acting a certain way later on in life. As for the siblings I had a major dent in my confidence when my sister gave me feedback from another girl about my age who said I was ugly. I think I was having an argument with my sister at the time and she kind of threw it at me as an insult. As in "well this is what girls think of you." My sister and her friend also teased me for never having had a girlfriend and said I must be gay and stuff. The problem is I was only about 12 and definately didn't deserve it at that age.
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Post by zaab on Mar 31, 2005 3:45:10 GMT -5
The same happened with me. My mom used to say. "Oh, he'll grow out of it" When I seen my doctor about depression years later and told her my mom had said that she shook her head. She seemed to think it was bad parenting to assume that a kid will grow out of it. I've found time and again that shyness is a very tough thing for people to understand. My own mother thought I was a snob! And she couldn't understand why I wasn't more social. She thought that I couldn't belong to this family and that I was "switched at birth" as reported by my sister. I still feel the sting from that one. One of my best friends in college who was also shy thought the real reason I wasn't in relationships was because I didn't want to. And she often criticized me for not getting excited about anything. Its very hard growing up shy. You just wish there was one other person who could understand you.
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