friendship dying

[carly]

i need some advice. i have a friend that i had for a long time, like since 7th grade. anyways, i am 21 and went to college. she is 22 and is a hairdresser. lately she had gotten really rude and puts me down.

for instance she just sent me a message saying, "hey bitch, what the hell are you up to?"

i find this really rude. the last couple messages she has been sending me all called me a bitch in them. she'll defend it saying she is joking. but it is starting to bother me and i dont think she is joking.

so i havent been talking to her much or hanging out with her after she threatened to leave me at a club by myself.

at this point i feel like we have nothing in common and that she cant respect me as a person. also, i feel like i have to constantly put myself down when i am talking to her. not because i think i am no good, but because i feel bad.

but now i realize it is not my fault i want a better life for myself. its not my fault i am graduating college and on a different path. it seems as if we finally hit the point where we need to go our seperate ways. i cant say this to her. but its how i feel.

i guess our friendship will continue to fade. sometimes i think she is stuck in high school and acts very immature. So I sent her a message back and said, "Excuse me?" I didnt want to start a fight or insult her, but I am sick of not standing up for myself. I feel as though I am better than that. If she was a friend, she wouldnt be doing this to me. I feel like she is never there for me.

It seems anyway that we were only friends cuz i moved back home. You ever notice how some relationships/friendships reach a point where you don't know why you are friends anymore. That is how I feel.

[pnoopiepnats]

It sounds like you have just grown apart and nothing wrong with that. This happened with my best friend when I tried to reunite with her many years later. I wanted to be her friend. It didnt matter to me what her socio-economic status was but I guess it mattered to her. She chose not to continue the friendship. Sad.

The second part is your friend being so distrespectful to you calling you a bitch. I would just tell her that you don't care if she is joking to please don't call you that anymore.
If she continues to do so then you pretty much have your answer.

I like to think of myself as an easygoing tolerant person but there are a few things I won't put up with and I would end a freindship over. Disrespect like that is one of them. Cruelty and abuse is another.

[carly]

so she responds..."im sorry if you think i was being ignorant, i wasnt, i was being sarcastic"

that is like nails on a blackboard.

she totally misused the word sarcastic. there was nothing sarcastic about her message. that would be more applicable if she was calling me a bitch cuz im nice? uhuh. and even if she was being sarcastic, she still was trying to insult me. sarcasim is no excuse for being rude. it just is that....its rude.

[MrNice]

It sucks to lose a friend, but just find and hang out with other friends. There isn't much you can do in terms of talking to her about it. Cut her lose. I she sobers up then you will have her back if not then tough luck. But you can not control how she feels. If she sends you rude emails just ignore them.

[Tal]

Most friendships end eventually. All mine have.

People go their separate ways, people change their attitudes and ways of life, people meet new friends and everything is in a constant state of motion. So I'd say let go of this past friendship and accept many more will probably go the same way.

Personally I'm not sure I want to try and make friends with anyone who I don't feel is compatible with me, since I really only see a friendship having any chance of lasting many years if both parties share common personalities and interests. Even then there's no guarantee I guess.

[franco]

You're right to nip her attitude in the bud. I have joked with people like this in the past, but the problem with that kind of thing is some people will take it as a license to insult you at will and that's not so much fun when you're feeling down and someone starts insulting you to make themselves feel good all under the excuse of a joke.

It would be one thing even if you did accept it, but in my opinion it's right to let her know that you don't like being talked to that way. Obviously if she's not happy with that then she's not much of a friend.

[wagnerr]

Carly said:

so she responds..."im sorry if you think i was being ignorant, i wasnt, i was being sarcastic"

that is like nails on a blackboard.

she totally misused the word sarcastic. there was nothing sarcastic about her message. that would be more applicable if she was calling me a bitch cuz im nice?

She called my Spiffydoo a bitch? What the hell's wrong with that bitch?

I may have to fly up to phili and kick some bitch ass, and soon.

[carly]

thank you sweetpea. you are right about salvaging friendships, and thats how i feel alot cuz i dont have many friends. but then i start feeling like a doormat.

i feel like i have been salvaging this for 2 years now. and i feel like i have been being dragged down. we have went thru so much together and have got closer cuz of it, but after a while im realizing theres just more nothingness.

maybe it is just a phase. i sometimes grow apart from people a little or they grow apart but then we come together again. it may happen, i dunno. i just dont see a point. it just seems empty right now.

[theinfiniteabyss84]

i guess our friendship will continue to fade. sometimes i think she is stuck in high school and acts very immature.

This sounds like a situation I recently was in. I wrote about it in...January I believe, in here. Maybe it was earlier, I don't know, ANYways...heeheehee...


I had this friend on and off since Kindergarten. At times I realllllly disliked her but I continued to be her friend. Yeeeears past and I just looked over her many faults. Her constantly talking about herself. She always talked about all of these guys who liked her, more so towards the end of our friendship. Many things happened during the course of September 2004 and December 2004, things that made me open my eyes to the way she was treating me. Total disregard for my feelings, her incessant bragging about these guys, all the while knowing how I felt. Long story short, I spilled my guts to her, how I felt and how it made me feel, EVERYthing imaginable. She pleaded ignorance. After all of that and she had no idea how I felt and then she ended up blaming me. She said "instead of dwelling in loneliness you can be happy for me!" I never been told anything so insensitive before in my life from a friend. She saw herself as perfect and I knew it was time for me to go. She acted so immature and she was so ignorant of everything.

long time friends are hard to come by. if you think there's something about this friendship you'd like to try to salvage, tell her you want to talk to her and just lay your feelings out there. ask her what's going on, tell her you value her friendship and want to work it out. see what she says. you might be surprised. conflict can actually bring people closer. don't run away from it.

It depends on who the person is. Laying out your feelings doesn't work with people who are hopelessly ignorant and refuse to see what they are doing isn't good. I know nobody is perfect but in my situation I know my faults and I tried not to let them get in the way. She knew how I was, and we talked about it but her response was "stop feeling that way" then start talking about how these online guys are so in love with her.

you are right about salvaging friendships, and thats how i feel alot cuz i dont have many friends. but then i start feeling like a doormat.

i feel like i have been salvaging this for 2 years now. and i feel like i have been being dragged down. we have went thru so much together and have got closer cuz of it, but after a while im realizing theres just more nothingness.

maybe it is just a phase. i sometimes grow apart from people a little or they grow apart but then we come together again. it may happen, i dunno. i just dont see a point. it just seems empty right now.

I felt like a doormat as well. She would talk to me about her problems to death and if I talk to her abotu my problems, a minute later she would change the subject back on herself.

These things happen all of the time. People grow apart and sometimes it seems like everything is fine one day then suddenly you see everything differently and realize the person you see as a good friend is not much of a friend after all. I noticed once I stopped being friends with her I was more determined to make new friends. And with that determination I managed to make a couple, and a few acquaintences along the way.

Everybody's situation is different, but the way you described how you felt I identified with grrrreatly. The feeling of emptiness of the friendship. It definately not a good feeling and it is a bit depressing realizing a person you have been friends with isn't really a friend at all.

~I.A.

[carly]

I feel like my shyness is from a complete lack of confidence, lack of self-esteem, negativity, being crazy, selfish and picky. I feel like an ugly person. As soon as I meet someone that I like I keep feeling bad for the person. I feel bad because I know I am not a good friend. I know I am not smart and am just shallow and superficial. I hate people for no reason. All I want is me and to help me. I don't give anything so I don't get anything. How can I complain that people aren't friends to me when I am not friends to them. How?!?! I'm not funny or caring or sweet, I'm just picky, crazy and negative. I know I am just going to hurt them. I cry thinking, "I was stupid to think he liked me" and "I was stupid to think this would work out and be different." I am always the same. I can try and try. I can meet completely new people but I just screw everything up. I am selfish. I can't give anything to anyone. I can't be nice, and I can't be there for people. I always think people have a hidden agenda and I can't trust anyone. I can't open up. I feel so stuck. I feel like my parents are so negative as they call me negative things. This is exactly what they say to me and I know this is what everyone thinks of me. I have nothing going for me. I have no redeeming quality.

[Icarus X]

Carly said:

i abhor people who say that. they act like you can hit a magic button and stop feeling how you feel.

I'm definitely getting one of those buttons installed. Anyone know where I can get it done?