Coping at Work

[nymaway]

Hi All-I'm new and glad ;D I found this forum, this is the first time i've posted.

I'm having a hard time coping with my shyness and anxiety at work. I'm working in a small office and have been there almost a year and a half. I know all of the people fairly well but am having a terrible time just trying to converse, make eye contact and be friendly.

Because of my avoidant behavour my co-workers have restored to outright ignoring me unless I talk first. The problem is I want to try and be more social but feel as though the situation is out of control and that no one wants to talk to me because of the way I am. (which makes me more anxious & introverted) I think I come off as just being a bitch and feel trapped in the situation because the anxiety becomes unbearable.

I like these people, and really want to befriend them - I'm also afraid of losing my job because I don't fit in.

For the first time I'm aware of my shyness and am making small steps in overcoming it but how do you cope with other's reactions to your shyness?

[wonkothesane]

Hi Nymaway, and welcome- I'm newish too this but everybody seems pretty cool here.

Firstly the good news- If other people ignore you for being nothing else but shy and if your good at your job, you can't be that bad your there a year and a half- so what does that say about them??

The not so good news- If you are taking small steps to overcome your shyness that's what they are small steps- so it's going to take a while- no overnight solution! But hopefully that will help with some of your anxiety.

But don't try too hard to 'fit in', you are you and that's the only person you can be. ;D Other people have to be as excepting of you as you are of them.

[jwwimpy]

wonkothesane said:

Firstly the good news- If other people ignore you for being nothing else but shy and if your good at your job, you can't be that bad your there a year and a half- so what does that say about them??

The not so good news- If you are taking small steps to overcome your shyness that's what they are small steps- so it's going to take a while- no overnight solution! But hopefully that will help with some of your anxiety.

But don't try too hard to 'fit in', you are you and that's the only person you can be. ;D Other people have to be as excepting of you as you are of them.

Wrong, wrong, WRONG!!! Every business or organization has it's own culture, and you must try to learn it and fit in. Take it from someone who knows first hand, introversion and shyness can be a career killer. The loud-mouth back-stabbing office SOB will usually get along better at work than we shy folks. I don't like it, it's not fair, but that's the way it is. My own personal story parallels nymaway's dillemma, I'll post it if there's interest.

[lily]

jwwimpy said:

wonkothesane said:

Firstly the good news- If other people ignore you for being nothing else but shy and if your good at your job, you can't be that bad your there a year and a half- so what does that say about them??

The not so good news- If you are taking small steps to overcome your shyness that's what they are small steps- so it's going to take a while- no overnight solution! But hopefully that will help with some of your anxiety.

But don't try too hard to 'fit in', you are you and that's the only person you can be. ;D Other people have to be as excepting of you as you are of them.

Wrong, wrong, WRONG!!! Every business or organization has it's own culture, and you must try to learn it and fit in. Take it from someone who knows first hand, introversion and shyness can be a career killer. The loud-mouth back-stabbing office SOB will usually get along better at work than we shy folks. I don't like it, it's not fair, but that's the way it is. My own personal story parallels nymaway's dillemma, I'll post it if there's interest.

I have to agree. Maybe it depends on the particular situation I don't know. My experience has been that I cannot be my natural self at work. My behavior is often misinterpreted, and things tend to get ugly sooner or later. How good I was at my job never seemed to matter much either. People just aren't willing to leave me alone and let me be.

[wonkothesane]

jwwimpy said:

wonkothesane said:

Firstly the good news- If other people ignore you for being nothing else but shy and if your good at your job, you can't be that bad your there a year and a half- so what does that say about them??

The not so good news- If you are taking small steps to overcome your shyness that's what they are small steps- so it's going to take a while- no overnight solution! But hopefully that will help with some of your anxiety.

But don't try too hard to 'fit in', you are you and that's the only person you can be. ;D Other people have to be as excepting of you as you are of them.

Wrong, wrong, WRONG!!! Every business or organization has it's own culture, and you must try to learn it and fit in. Take it from someone who knows first hand, introversion and shyness can be a career killer. The loud-mouth back-stabbing office SOB will usually get along better at work than we shy folks. I don't like it, it's not fair, but that's the way it is. My own personal story parallels nymaway's dillemma, I'll post it if there's interest.

I just think you should be careful- it can be very damaging to try and change what is intrinsicly you- your own identity is more important than your career. The degree to which your anxiety and shyness effect how you interact with your workmates can be worked on but an naturally introverted person will not become an extrovert simply because they want to. Trying to be the extrovert will cause you just as much anxiety with rumanation and over analysis of your own behaviour. I realise that there is the real world of bills to pay..etc...etc but as an introverted person you have a different set of skills that are as valid as any others and you have to try to turn them to your advantage rather than abandoning an aspect of your self.

[lily]

wonkothesane said:

jwwimpy said:

Wrong, wrong, WRONG!!! Every business or organization has it's own culture, and you must try to learn it and fit in. Take it from someone who knows first hand, introversion and shyness can be a career killer. The loud-mouth back-stabbing office SOB will usually get along better at work than we shy folks. I don't like it, it's not fair, but that's the way it is. My own personal story parallels nymaway's dillemma, I'll post it if there's interest.

I just think you should be careful- it can be very damaging to try and change what is intrinsicly you- your own identity is more important than your career. The degree to which your anxiety and shyness effect how you interact with your workmates can be worked on but an naturally introverted person will not become an extrovert simply because they want to. Trying to be the extrovert will cause you just as much anxiety with rumanation and over analysis of your own behaviour. I realise that there is the real world of bills to pay..etc...etc but as an introverted person you have a different set of skills that are as valid as any others and you have to try to turn them to your advantage rather than abandoning an aspect of your self.

I wouldn't try to be an extrovert, although I have my extroverted moments on occasion. I don't think that would necessarily solve the problem anyway. I think it has more to do with dominance and submission. It seems to have more to do with who is willing to fight to dominate the scene. I never wanted to dominate because the whole thing just seems so stupid and silly, but neither do I want to submit to someone else. So I just withdraw. But they don't allow that. They'll drag me out of my little cave and try to force me to submit. They will basically poke me with a stick until I get pissed and blow up or more likely - leave. People really haven't changed much in the last 20,000 years in some ways.

[jwwimpy]

lily said:

jwwimpy said:

Wrong, wrong, WRONG!!! Every business or organization has it's own culture, and you must try to learn it and fit in. Take it from someone who knows first hand, introversion and shyness can be a career killer. The loud-mouth back-stabbing office SOB will usually get along better at work than we shy folks. I don't like it, it's not fair, but that's the way it is. My own personal story parallels nymaway's dillemma, I'll post it if there's interest.

I have to agree. Maybe it depends on the particular situation I don't know. My experience has been that I cannot be my natural self at work. My behavior is often misinterpreted, and things tend to get ugly sooner or later. How good I was at my job never seemed to matter much either. People just aren't willing to leave me alone and let me be.

You are correct, sometimes one cannot be one's natural self at work. Certainly I am not at times. You have to put on an act. In doing this, you are not "losing yourself" as another poster has claimed. Here's how I think about it - any job has occaisional tasks one might find distasteful or unpleasant, but you do these tasks anyway because it's part of your job. If social intercourse is a part of your job that you find distasteful, you just have to suck it up, and put on your "happy mask" for a few minutes. It can be done, I'm evidence of this.

[jwwimpy]

nymaway said:

Hi All-I'm new and glad ;D I found this forum, this is the first time i've posted.

I'm having a hard time coping with my shyness and anxiety at work. I'm working in a small office and have been there almost a year and a half. I know all of the people fairly well but am having a terrible time just trying to converse, make eye contact and be friendly.

Because of my avoidant behavour my co-workers have restored to outright ignoring me unless I talk first. The problem is I want to try and be more social but feel as though the situation is out of control and that no one wants to talk to me because of the way I am. (which makes me more anxious & introverted) I think I come off as just being a bitch and feel trapped in the situation because the anxiety becomes unbearable.

I like these people, and really want to befriend them - I'm also afraid of losing my job because I don't fit in.

For the first time I'm aware of my shyness and am making small steps in overcoming it but how do you cope with other's reactions to your shyness?

I'm sorry, I've responded to everyone on this thread but you, the original poster.

Are you able to converse freely with the one person that really matters, your supervisor? This is your first task if you cannot. Small talk helps. Ask about their kids. It matters not that you don't really care about their kids, get them talking, and interject some "Wow"s or "Really?"s. I have found that no matter how quiet I may have been in the past, my past quietness is quickly forgotten.

[BeatShyness]

I usually get the same thing at work, most of the people that have worked there for a while and know how quiet I usually am don't talk to me. But, sometimes I will start conversations with them, then they talk like we are friends almost. The new people who don't really know me tend to talk and now that I am more comfortable around people I tend to talk to these people more than I once would. But, sometimes I want to talk to them and the words just don't come out. Even if it's a perfect opportunity to say something. I know now though that you have to take risks, you have to attack your shyness head on. You can't just let it build up in you any longer. You must do the things you are afraid to do or are scared of the outcome. Of getting rejected, laughed at, pushed away from the group. If you feel you have an opportunity to say something, take it!

One thing I have noticed in myself is that I am more confortable talking to people one on one, on a personal level, rather than with many people around. But, if that's the case, experiment, find out what works, then use it in other situations. Where more people are around. I am usually the type to read body langauge well. I can tell if a person feels receptive toward me.

One thing you must do is make eye contact..that is a must for getting over your shyness. If you cannot do this, a person may see you off a mean person, or just not a caring person of the people around you. I once would never make eye contact with people. One day a man said "Are you afraid to make eye contact with me?"

I've made the eye contact ever since. And I get the feeling that people feel I am more interested in them when they are talking to me.

Sorry if I rambled any. I tend to do that sometimes. But, usually I get my point across somewhere in the middle

[pnoopiepnats]

If you have been there a year and a half you aren't going to lose your job unless you have made some political blunder, there is a reorg, or downsizing.

As far as appearing to be social without having to be, there are a few things you can do that works for me.

1. Say good morning or hi to people you pass in the halls and look them in the eye and smile.

2. At times when people are trying to talk to you ask them the standard questions of How's it going? or What do they have you working on now? Then they will talk about themselves.

3. You will learn things about people like about their pets or family members and you can ask things about that. For example my souper is going to be a grandpa for the first time. In the break room I asked him how the daughter and baby were doing.

4. Laugh at people's jokes.

5. Notice things about people.

I barely talk at all at work but with these small gestures I don't seem like a total freak.