Shyness My Story

[Julia]

Hi,

I did not realize that there are so many shy people out there. Everyones feelings sound a lot like mine. Here is my story:

When I was young I was shy but not as shy as I am now. I had friends and went to school but then we had to move. The pattern was always the same. I would start of extremely shy then I would slowly get used to people and then make a few friends. Maybe not friends but at least people I felt comfortable talking to at school. Then we would move again and the shyness got worse again. I particuraly hated finding a seat on the bus or in the lunchroom. I dreaded finding a seat I would get nervous every day thinking about it. It was agonizing thing for me especially when all the seats were taken on the bus. I would just stand there untill the bus driver told me to get a seat.
Well eventually at one school I got comfortable enough to make a boyfriend. He kissed me and I was excited but then my friends asked if he had french kissed me yet. I got so nervous that I called my mom said the school was to much for me and she put me in a christian school. I bet that guy wonders what happened to me. I just vanished and never told anyone.
I loved christian school. It was the perfect enviroment for shy people because the classes and schools are small. I started playing basketball, and cheerleading at this school. I got real comfortable and made some friends there but then we had to move. The next school was agonizing and they were doing drugs in the back of the room. I decided to leave this school and I was home schooled. Home schooling is the worse thing for shy people. Never put a kid into home schooling without involving them in some group activities. They will not learn any social skills. After home schooling I finished of my high school years in another christian school after we moved again. You would think moving would turn you into an outgoing person because you meet new people but for me it just turned me inward. I guess it is hard to learn social skills when you never stay long enough to make any real friends. Well this next school I got comfortable again made a few friends, started basketball and cheerleading again. Then at the age of 17 I met a guy that was older then me. We dated two months and got married. I graduated early because I had finished my senior years work the year before.
After I got married we were given a small house that my parents had moved to their property. Let me say my parents are like this, my dad wants nothing to do with people and my mom is real outgoing. We have always lived out in the middle of nowhere. So the house was moved out in the middle of nowhere. The guy I married was really outgoing and he hated living here. My mom clinged on to me and I was her only friend. This was not a very healthy situation because it made it were I never felt the need to go out and do something in the world. Mom would even buy me anything I wanted and would get very upset if we left. So this unhealthy situation got worse and worse until some bad things happened (which I will not mention here) between me and my husband. We visited a counselor and he told us to move.
Well so we moved. We moved to a town on the border were we are the only caucasion people in the town. I love Mexican people they are very nice to us but I am mentioning this because not only do I have my shyness to get over now I have a language barrier also most of the people here only speak Spanish. Also it is hard when you know that you are different it makes you even more self concious. My husband loves the Mexican people. He learned Spanish fluently and just starts talking to anyone he sees in Spanish if they look Mexican. It has gotten to where if we are in a store and I see someone he is probably going to talk to I just walk the other way. One thing I like about the language barrier though is at least you have a reason for not talking. They know you do not know Spanish so they don't think that you are being rude if you don't talk. I know pretty much what they are saying now but I can never come up with the words to answer back.
Well now here I am hiding in our little rented house on the border. I feel like I am waisting my life. I am 25 years old and have not done anything with my life because I am too afraid. My husband went and got a teaching job. He has to work now to support us. Before we just did a little remodeling to support ourselves. He was kind of my only friend that I cling to which I am sure is an unhealthy thing. I feel like I need to go out and do something with my life but I am to afraid to. My husband says I need to make friends but I say what is the use. I mean I am misreable without friends but I am also misreable with friends. I mean it is just easier to sit here and do nothing then it is to force myself to go make friends. At least I feel comfortable sitting here. The other way is an agonizing thing so why put myself through it. What would I get out of it. Also the people I try to make friends with do not like it either because they feel uncomfortable around me. I mean I just sit there and try to think of things to say but can't come up with any.
So basically this is the dilemma of my life. I feel worthless like I need to do something with my life but I feel more comfortable just hiding out in my house then trying to fix the problem. That is my story. If anyone has the answers let me know.

Take care,
Julia

[Sanity FreeZ0ne]

Hi Julia,
Thanks for posting your story, I don't know if you’ll find the answers here or not, but you may find some help.
The harsh part is if you want to overcome shyness and social phobia you probably will feel pain and uncomfortable for a very long time. The payoff, in the end however, of having friends and a social life you are comfortable with is well worth it in my opinion. I know how much sitting there with nothing to say hurts. It just takes practice, though to try and think of things to say in conversation and when you’re in a conversation you can say pretty much any sentence as long it’s vaguely connected to the conversation. You also might want to try self-help books, or some websites like this one and www.shyandfree.com, www.shyrelease.com are also useful sites you could also give therapy/medication a thought. Sorry I can't help more, but welcome to the site and feel free to keep us updated of how you’re getting on.

[selina]

Hi julia

Im so glad to see this site. I just happened on ur story and I find we have so much in common. For eg. in my childhood, i could never make friends, because of constant shifting, or the fact that some friends shifted constantly. Till now, all the friends ive had have either faded away into the woodwork, or never bother to remember me.
Also, I feel like I intimidate people. does that happent o u? I dont try to do anything, I dont even try to act aloof, I just seem to make people"go away". And no, this is not a problem which has recently started, ive always been like this.
would u like to be friends? I have a loving husband, whos very supportive, but would love to have a friend or two to talk to. ur story seemed so similar to mine, i just had to say something.

take care,
selina.

[CaryGrant]

Hi Julia,

Tough situation, but then it's no picnic for any shy person, no matter the circumstances. May I suggest two small steps?

First, take small steps. Meaning, gradually push your comfort zone a bit. Set weekly goals, such as, this week I will say Hi (in Spanish) to one person each day. When you're ready, move on to sitting in a cafe and ordering tea in Spanish, or whatever works for you.

Second, really try and take the focus off yourself. Absolutely refuse, for awhile, anyway, to evaluate anything you say or do in a negative way. Instead, ask questions, make it your mission to find out about other people, volunteer to tutor a child, anything you feel you can handle that requires you to focus on others, not yourself.

[Julia1]

Hi again,

Thank you everyone for your advice. I think maybe I will try to push my comfort zone because I am not happy the way I am now. Until I found this site I never really anaylized my shy behavouir. I find it interesting that other shy people have those same feelings of thinking that you will say the wrong things and feeling embaressed when you say the wrong things even if it was weeks ago. I realized that non shy people do not anaylize what they say and do not replay embaressing situations over and over in there head. I had never even thought of this before. Here is a situation recently that happened to me that embaressed me:

I went to Mexico with my husband and when I got to the border crossing to leave I had forgotten my drivers liscense. So when it was time for me to show them my drivers liscense Matt told them that he lost it. So the guy asked if I was a citizen and I said yes. I was very nervous and he looked me straight in the eyes and I looked away. So he probably thought I was lying so he asked my husbands date of birth. My mind went blank and I could not think of it. What is really funny is it is one day before my birthday. Matt was in the background going come on you know it its, and then the guy made him stop talking. So the guy looked at me and said you have been married 8 years and you do not know your own husbands birthday. So Matt finally said something about it being close to my birthday and then I remembered it. So he asked me some more questions about me and I was able to remember at that point and he let me go. This situation still embaresses me as I am writing it. I played it over and over in my head after that and kept thinking how dumb I was for not knowing my husbands birthday. I was glad that I finally told him the date but I would probably be even more embaressed if I had never told him.(or I might still be in Mexico:)

Well anyway I thought I would share my funny story. Selina if you read this I would love to be friends. My email address is [e-mail] if you would like to write me. Maybe it is common for people that move around to be shy.

Take care,
Julia

[glenn miller]

it is hard. it has taken me a while.

[Bongo Drummer]

Hi Julia- you situation is not much different than any of us shy persons. Shy people dwell of the "woe is me syndrone" and we feel sorry for ourselves and that the world doesn't understand us, etc. Many people you believe to be confident and not having a care in the world were once as she as us. They have determined that thinking about "the small things in life" will not advance their good outlook on life. Thus they put on a happy face and go meet the world 1/2 way.
You say you feel worthless and you stay at home. Staying at home doesn't help so get outside and go to a library nearby or a church or a school etc. and ask someone about you volunteering to help in any way you can? People are very happy to find others who are willing to help each other. Helping in this way will build up not only your self confidence but will help you feel good about yourself in that you are educating yourself to take on more tasks as they become available.
Why don't you learn Spanish? As Cary Grant suggests....baby steps...a word a day or 7 words a week. Learn phrases..which will allow you to get farther in your talking with the Spanish speaking people. Join them, tell them you want to learn their language and they will be happy to teach you as each culture wants another to learn their language.
Keep us posted on your progress, you will do well I can assure you.

[SH]

I thought I could add something here. My situation is very similar.
I'm new, this is my second post (hi all) but I just saw this post and even if it's a bit old my opinion could still be of some help.

not only do I have my shyness to get over now I have a language barrier also most of the people here only speak Spanish. Also it is hard when you know that you are different it makes you even more self concious. My husband loves the Mexican people. He learned Spanish fluently and just starts talking to anyone he sees in Spanish if they look Mexican. It has gotten to where if we are in a store and I see someone he is probably going to talk to I just walk the other way. One thing I like about the language barrier though is at least you have a reason for not talking. They know you do not know Spanish so they don't think that you are being rude if you don't talk. I know pretty much what they are saying now but I can never come up with the words to answer back.

I found it easier to be in an area where people spoke a different language than mine, I felt I didn't have the pressure to reply or say the right things every time another person spoke to me, so I was really free, I just smiled or said "aha" and nobody thought I wasn't being polite, it was a great thing that helped me feel better when I was out, it didn't last for long but in this case I think you can use that to start gaining security as nobody will think you're shy, just that you don't speak the language correctly.

I feel worthless like I need to do something with my life but I feel more comfortable just hiding out in my house then trying to fix the problem.

If you want to do something in particular with your life then do it, but not because you're expected to, but because it makes you happy. Whatever you feel like doing then go ahead and do it, don't worry if it seems "too little" or if for nobody else will mean a thing, if you do the things you want your self confidence will grow.

I went to Mexico with my husband and when I got to the border crossing to leave I had forgotten my drivers liscense. So when it was time for me to show them my drivers liscense Matt told them that he lost it. So the guy asked if I was a citizen and I said yes. I was very nervous and he looked me straight in the eyes and I looked away. So he probably thought I was lying so he asked my husbands date of birth. My mind went blank and I could not think of it. What is really funny is it is one day before my birthday.

I would suggest to never put yourself in difficult situations knowing you are shy. Going to another country, no matter how easy it seems, can lead to many very complicated events, specially how the world is these days, don't ever underestimate an activity, I'm not saying that we should all live in fear but saying that being carefree, instead of helping with the stress of "what if I do this, say that" can lead to situations like the one you unfortunately went through, unexpected things that thanks to our nerves become nightmares.

I try to see in my mind different situations and solutions for possible problems, just at a start. And if you find out that you'll be doing something unexpected relax for a few minutes and picture it in your head, it might help your mind get used to reacting to different circumstances.

Good Luck.