Lizzie's Diary of Shyness

[Lizzie]

Where do I start? I'm shy. I thought about writing a journal to see how my shyness progresses, but I guess on here, other people can see it and hopefully help me, although probably no-one will read it.

I'm Lizzie, and I'm 17 and at school doing my A levels. I was always a quiet child, but at primary school I was bullied and had no friends apart from the girl who bullied me, who said she was my friend. She really shook my confidence, and since then I've suffered with a very low self-image.

When I went to secondary school I made some new friends, although it took a long time to get to know them. I'm still friends with the same group, and they're very important to me, but I still don't feel they really know me. Apart from them, I really can't talk to anyone else at school; I feel like they think I'm boring and a geek and wouldn't want to talk to me.

My friends get annoyed with me because of my shyness; they end up doing things for me if I'm too scared - like asking a teacher something or talking to other people. The only time I've ever argued with my best friend was when I was too scared to go to the other end of the chemistry lab and get some chemical. I might not have been able to find it, or someone might have talked to me, so I couldn't go. It sounds so pathetic. And then there was the time she said I had a "mental problem". I probably do.

It feels like I spend my whole life being scared. I just have to walk out the front door, and there are huge obstacles infront of me. And I'm missing out on so much. I have learned to cope; I enjoy school and learning and seeing my friends there. But my grades have really started to suffer. This year I've been getting stuck sometimes with coursework, which could easily be sorted out if I went to ask the teachers for help, but I can't do it. I tell myself that it's either going to ask for help, or getting bad grades, which for a perfectionist like me, is not appealing. But I tell myself I'll just have to deal with the bad grades.

My teachers started to notice something was wrong, and so every day after school I go to speak with my biology teacher, and now this has become really easy - I can be relaxed with her and could ask her for help. But I can't talkt to any other teachers, or even talk to her if other people are near.

That's the problem; I'm not just scared that I'm going to say something stupid, I just don't want people to hear me at all. If I'm talking to my friends, and a teacher comes near enough to hear, I'll stop talking. I just can't stand that other people might hear me. I don't know why - maybe I'm scared of what they'll think. But they probably don't think anything; they probably think it's much stranger if I just stop talking in the middle of a conversation.

I'm shaking right now; it's weird writing all this down. I don't know if it's going to help, or if anyone's going to even read it.

And then there's the fact that I think some people don't believe my shyness is sincere. I do a lot of performing at school - singing and playing the piano and harp. Somehow I can overcome my shyness to do this, and although I get incredibly nervous, I love it. The most eye contact I think I've ever made with my chemistry teacher was when I was singing in a school concert, whereas in her lessons, I can't bring myself to look at her. I don't know what it is - it's like that's the real me up there on stage, whereas normally it feels like I'm being forced to hide inside myself.

I used to act in school plays too, but this year I couldn't even make myself audition. Again it was the strange fear that people, especially the other people in my year, might hear my speak. And they might think something. Whether it be good or bad, I'd rather they didn't think anything. I sort of want to be invisible, as it's safe, but at the same time, I hate being invisible.

If anyone's taken the time to read that - thank you. It felt good to write that down.

[Hermit]

Hi Lizzie

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

You're not alone in dealing with shyness, and i think you'll find that many of the folks here have experienced some or most of what you're feeling.

I am very surprised that you can take part in something that puts you under such scrutiny as singing or playing an instrument in front of an audience (the mere idea of which gives me the willies), yet you find it hard to speak to your teachers, or in the case of your chemistry teacher- can hardly look her in the eye. I can't grasp that concept for the life of me.

--"I sort of want to be invisible, as it's safe, but at the same time, I hate being invisible."--
I *do* understand this statement though.. it is a terrible feeling- wanting to be able interact with others, while at the same time wishing they would just go away.

I don't have any advice to give other than to say that if you can deal with singing in front of an audience, then i think you should attack your shyness in other settings as well- i could be dead wrong, but it takes a lot of courage for a shy person to stand and perform in front of their peers. I think you have it in you to break out of the dark place you're stuck in right now.

Whatever you decide, i hope things work out for you.

[CaryGrant]

Hi Lizzie - hermit is totally right - you clearly have the courage to break out of your shyness. Few of us on this board could perform in public!

Also, you said

every day after school I go to speak with my biology teacher, and now this has become really easy

. Note how you expanded your comfort zone in one area - talking to a particular teacher went from being very stressful to being "really easy." You can do this in many areas - just take small steps until that step becomes easy, then move on to the next. You could start with how you think your friends think of you - obviously they like you or they wouldn't be your friends. So you could try just accepting that.

All the best...

[Animasgal]

Hi there Sweetheart,

You're not the only one, I feel the same exact way. Have for most of the 30 years I've been alive. Still have trouble with the shyness, almost quit my job a few weeks ago because they had changed the cubicle arrangement to where everyone could see eachother. Freaked me out, I couldn't focus as well as I used to. I got real mad about it because most of the people that I had tried to explain myself to, had all recommended that I seek out medical attention. I had been at that job for a little over a year now and was just about insulted that I was told to do that.

We used to have large cubicles that prevented you from easily seeing those that sat next to you. With that arrangement I could focus on what I was doing, be extremeley productive, and keep my phobias to myself.

Not so anymore. It's terribly frustrating. I want to be recognized for my work, not my ability to be everyone's best friend.

Sorry, seems I'm rambling. I can certainly relate to what you're going through. I to have an ability to perform without much thought to what others think of me. I haven't done it in a long time, but I still sing at the top of my lungs in the car and think if it takes me till I'm 80 to break out of my shell and live my dream, then that's just fine. We don't know how much time we have, but accept yourself for exactly who you are.

Sometimes it's hard to do. A movie that really inspired me was "A beautiful mind" Russel Crowe depicts an individual with schizophrenia and eventually, as best as he can, learns to ignore the thoughts that plague his mind.

That's all I can do when I'm not feeling to good about myself. I just acknowledge that I'm having a moment and feel it through and through. Not much I can do but that.

Anyway, hang in there, live your dreams, and as best as you can, not give too much attention to the bad moments that you have, and reward yourself when you have achieved something.

I could probably go on...but I fear I'm putting too much of myself in this and I really hope that you know you're not alone.

G'night and god bless this website, just found it!

PS: sorry if doesn't look right...comp. not working good, I see lots of white boxes with red x's in them...not exactly sure what I'm doing!

[Animasgal]

forgot to add this article I just read:

4. Once 'shy,' now 'sick'
By Jeff Gammage / Inquirer Staff Writer
If you've seen the advertisements - on television, buses and billboards, on the Internet or even in the glossy magazines lying around your doctor's waiting room - then you've probably noticed:
Sunday, May 30, 2004 (Philadelphia Inquirer)

www.philly.com/mld/inquirer/8765684.htm

check it out, it may be of interest...g'night all.

[Lizzie]

Thank you so much for all your lovely comments! It's good to know I'm not the only one. Animasgal, I'm sorry about your office rearrangement - I can understand how you feel about that - I'm glad I have my study desk at school which is like a cubical so no-one can see me. I hope it works out for you.

Some days I do think I'm making progress, and some days I just think I'm getting worse. I play in a harp group, and I've been playing in it for six months now. Every time I go, I dread it because of the twenty minute break in the middle where everyone talks - last time I was actually shaking from nerves. Some weeks I just sit there all on my own, feeling awful because I can't go over to talk to anyone. But last time I went, I did manage to talk to some people for the first time, so maybe I am getting better.

It's so hard though, and sometimes I just feel like it's not worth it, but I haven't given up yet.

I've got a job for the summer holidays this year. It's at my aunt's office, where I worked a couple of years ago during the holidays, doing scanning and filing. I hated it because I just felt scared and really anxious the whole time I was in the building. Luckily I was in a room on my own for most of the time, so hardly anyone ever spoke to me, but this time I'll be working in the office, and I'll have to talk to people. I'm dreading it already, but hopefully it will force me to talk to other people. So it should either make me braver, or terrify me so much that I won't be able to keep doing it.

[Leigh]

I can understand you ability to get up in front of other people and perform completely and I really mean that. I hate to make eye contact and approach people with questions, but performing something can be so much fun. It doesn't bother me to give a speech in front of a large crowd or to act, but in the "real world" situations it is scary! Little by little throughout college mostly, I have made gains with my shyness and learned that it is okay to be shy and that people will notice, but they might understand if you let them know you situation. Write it in a note and have someone deliver it to let people know if you can't tell them. Good luck.

[glenn miller]

i cant make eye contact eather. i cant speak in front of a bit of people.

[Lizzie]

Leigh said:

I can understand you ability to get up in front of other people and perform completely and I really mean that. I hate to make eye contact and approach people with questions, but performing something can be so much fun. It doesn't bother me to give a speech in front of a large crowd or to act, but in the "real world" situations it is scary!

I'm glad someone else understands how performing is scary but fun! But I don't agree with you that speaking infront of people is easy - I really hate doing that! I can sing infront of an audience, but giving a speech infron of one is my worst nightmares. I'm not sure what the difference is, but there must be one.

A few years ago I had to do a presentation in my English class as part of the coursework. I completely panicked about it, and pushed it to the back of my mind, hoping it would go away. Bad thing to do - it didn't go away, so I had to make up a presentation at the last minute. When it came to actually doing ithe presentation, I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was awful, but I just refused to do it. The teacher was not pleased and we all had to sit in silence until I spoke, so eventually I said it what I had to say, in my seat instead of at the front of the class,without looking at anyone. It was horrible. I just feel so embarrassed about speaking when other people can hear me; I don't know what it is. But I can sing to them.

[spitzig]

Lizzie said:

But I don't agree with you that speaking infront of people is easy - I really hate doing that! I can sing infront of an audience, but giving a speech infron of one is my worst nightmares. I'm not sure what the difference is, but there must be one.

Public speaking is the most feared thing(not sure whether that was a US/Western statisistic, or what). Significantly more feared than the next most feared thing(death, I think).