Post by Rosiemoore on Jun 15, 2004 14:43:13 GMT -5
My experiences of severe Social Anxiety have certainly been quite dramatic...
As a young child, I was very shy - would not talk to strangers & would hide behind my mother. This came as no surprise to my Mum, as she herself & most of her family had also been very shy. When I started primary school, things only got worse - I became totally mute & would not speak at all in school - not even when it was expected of me! This of course created big problems - I had no friends & the other children disliked me. I suppose they thought I was unfriendly! The teachers were also very unsympathetic; at first, they thought I was just 'being difficult', and would get cross with me for not answering them. (Of course, this only scared me more!!) Then when this 'treatment' failed - they began to wonder if I was being abused at home.....!!!
SELECTIVE MUTISM is the name for severe childhood shyness where the child will not speak in certain situations - such as school. Sadly, this was not known about by 1980s schoolteachers in the UK...!!! But thankfully these days, things are beginning to improve!!
At the age of 9, things really came to crisis point - the school alerted Social Services & I was removed from my home - (where I was very happy) - and placed into care in a children's home; I was living amongst children from abusive homes & broken families!
I missed home very much, but my poor parents were issued with a Court Order and had to endure an agonising 5-month trial whilst I lived at the children's home. The court case took £2000 of my parents' money - and they were not well off to begin with - but they fought tooth-and-nail to save their only child... if Social Services had won that Court Case, I would've been sent to foster parents until my 18th birthday!!
Thankfully, with my father's strong belief in the power of prayer, the trial ended in October 1987 and I was allowed to go home! The courts had seen sense that my parents had done nothing wrong. My grandfather also lived with us, and I loved spending time with him.
However, my time living amongst other children had certainly helped to ease my shyness at that time - I was now able to talk to other children & make friends, and was no longer mute in school. Because I had spent all my time amongst strangers, it had eventually helped me to relax more.
But there was more upheaval to come - much more!! Two years later, when I was almost secondary-school age, our local authorities decided that perhaps Boarding School would help me to maintain the progress I had made whilst living away from home...! As this was a much more relaxed affair - (no court order this time!) - my parents agreed to it. It was a 'special' school for children with problems - (again however, the other children were those who had been abused or came from broken homes).
But it was a cosy, friendly boarding school, and mostly I enjoyed my time there. I was able to travel home every weekend and at school holidays. Living in such a sheltered environment, by the time I reached 14 or 15, I thought that most of my shyness had gone!! Unfortunately, there was a very nasty shock just around the corner.....!!!
When I left school at 16, and returned home to start at a local college - BANG!!! The nerves were back - with a vengeance!!!! What began as first-day nerves simply grew worse & worse... not helped by the fact that I was now used to living with others, not just seeing them for a few hours & then crawling back into my 'shell'!! Whilst the other teenagers became more confident with each other, I just became more nervous than ever - every morning felt like a 'first day'! Because of my childhood experiences, I preferred to settle into a new place over a period of weeks, not have that process interrupted by returning to the safety of home! (I guess this is how I learnt to deal with going to boarding school, when I had no choice).
Once the other teenagers began to notice my nerves, they began to misunderstand me & thought I was unfriendly & rude. Of course I was terrified even more - as this was the last thing I wanted them to think - and the more nervous I grew, the more they misunderstood!! People who'd been nice to me on my first day were now whispering about me behind my back.
This terrible, agonising experience made me think: "Oh no! What if I was nervous with everyone!?!" and this fuelled a terrible self-doubt which spilled over into my relationships with friends that I already had - such as my lifelong best friend who had lived down my road since I was 10 years old!! She misunderstood me, everyone misunderstood me! I even went to visit my grandmother one hot summer's day in 1995... and by the time I arrived at her door, the sweat pouring down my face was more from fear than from the heat!!!
BUT - and this is where my life began to change: My grandmother took one look into my startled, 17-year-old eyes - and the widest warmest grin broke out across her face!! I was most confused - I was more used to getting a rather hurt, worried, confused look from others - not this reaction!!
In the most agonising turmoil of my anguish, that sweet, wise face calmed the depths of my soul.
It was only later on that I fully realised that my grandmother & my mother & in fact several of my relatives had suffered just as badly as me!!!
I had heard them talk about 'Shyness' in the past - but had no idea they were describing mental torture of this degree... but indeed they were!!
For me, it has been a true joy to discover that I was not 'to blame' for this horrendous experience. During the worst moments, I knew that my nerves were far out of proportion & out of control... I had always felt there must be a biological element, and indeed in my case it appears to be genetic.
However, despite this, I realised that - although the nerves were manifest in my body - they were only fuelled by the way in which I was thinking - about myself, about my shyness, and about the reactions of others.
Over time, I worked on analysing my thinking-processes & thus came to see everything in a much more 'realistic' way.... And this is why today I am able to lead a fairly normal life!! I now know that it is NOT the 'end of the World' if someone misunderstands me... and I've learnt that although it's sad if they think I'm unfriendly, it really is their mistake, & I cannot afford to risk a Panic Attack by worrying about things;
I know that the ability to become a nervous wreck is lying dormant inside me -as it has done for so many years in the past - but as an adult, who has benefitted from learning 'Cognitive Therapy' - I know that it is ME in control of my Shyness, and NOT the Shyness in control of me!!!
As a young child, I was very shy - would not talk to strangers & would hide behind my mother. This came as no surprise to my Mum, as she herself & most of her family had also been very shy. When I started primary school, things only got worse - I became totally mute & would not speak at all in school - not even when it was expected of me! This of course created big problems - I had no friends & the other children disliked me. I suppose they thought I was unfriendly! The teachers were also very unsympathetic; at first, they thought I was just 'being difficult', and would get cross with me for not answering them. (Of course, this only scared me more!!) Then when this 'treatment' failed - they began to wonder if I was being abused at home.....!!!
SELECTIVE MUTISM is the name for severe childhood shyness where the child will not speak in certain situations - such as school. Sadly, this was not known about by 1980s schoolteachers in the UK...!!! But thankfully these days, things are beginning to improve!!
At the age of 9, things really came to crisis point - the school alerted Social Services & I was removed from my home - (where I was very happy) - and placed into care in a children's home; I was living amongst children from abusive homes & broken families!
I missed home very much, but my poor parents were issued with a Court Order and had to endure an agonising 5-month trial whilst I lived at the children's home. The court case took £2000 of my parents' money - and they were not well off to begin with - but they fought tooth-and-nail to save their only child... if Social Services had won that Court Case, I would've been sent to foster parents until my 18th birthday!!
Thankfully, with my father's strong belief in the power of prayer, the trial ended in October 1987 and I was allowed to go home! The courts had seen sense that my parents had done nothing wrong. My grandfather also lived with us, and I loved spending time with him.
However, my time living amongst other children had certainly helped to ease my shyness at that time - I was now able to talk to other children & make friends, and was no longer mute in school. Because I had spent all my time amongst strangers, it had eventually helped me to relax more.
But there was more upheaval to come - much more!! Two years later, when I was almost secondary-school age, our local authorities decided that perhaps Boarding School would help me to maintain the progress I had made whilst living away from home...! As this was a much more relaxed affair - (no court order this time!) - my parents agreed to it. It was a 'special' school for children with problems - (again however, the other children were those who had been abused or came from broken homes).
But it was a cosy, friendly boarding school, and mostly I enjoyed my time there. I was able to travel home every weekend and at school holidays. Living in such a sheltered environment, by the time I reached 14 or 15, I thought that most of my shyness had gone!! Unfortunately, there was a very nasty shock just around the corner.....!!!
When I left school at 16, and returned home to start at a local college - BANG!!! The nerves were back - with a vengeance!!!! What began as first-day nerves simply grew worse & worse... not helped by the fact that I was now used to living with others, not just seeing them for a few hours & then crawling back into my 'shell'!! Whilst the other teenagers became more confident with each other, I just became more nervous than ever - every morning felt like a 'first day'! Because of my childhood experiences, I preferred to settle into a new place over a period of weeks, not have that process interrupted by returning to the safety of home! (I guess this is how I learnt to deal with going to boarding school, when I had no choice).
Once the other teenagers began to notice my nerves, they began to misunderstand me & thought I was unfriendly & rude. Of course I was terrified even more - as this was the last thing I wanted them to think - and the more nervous I grew, the more they misunderstood!! People who'd been nice to me on my first day were now whispering about me behind my back.
This terrible, agonising experience made me think: "Oh no! What if I was nervous with everyone!?!" and this fuelled a terrible self-doubt which spilled over into my relationships with friends that I already had - such as my lifelong best friend who had lived down my road since I was 10 years old!! She misunderstood me, everyone misunderstood me! I even went to visit my grandmother one hot summer's day in 1995... and by the time I arrived at her door, the sweat pouring down my face was more from fear than from the heat!!!
BUT - and this is where my life began to change: My grandmother took one look into my startled, 17-year-old eyes - and the widest warmest grin broke out across her face!! I was most confused - I was more used to getting a rather hurt, worried, confused look from others - not this reaction!!
In the most agonising turmoil of my anguish, that sweet, wise face calmed the depths of my soul.
It was only later on that I fully realised that my grandmother & my mother & in fact several of my relatives had suffered just as badly as me!!!
I had heard them talk about 'Shyness' in the past - but had no idea they were describing mental torture of this degree... but indeed they were!!
For me, it has been a true joy to discover that I was not 'to blame' for this horrendous experience. During the worst moments, I knew that my nerves were far out of proportion & out of control... I had always felt there must be a biological element, and indeed in my case it appears to be genetic.
However, despite this, I realised that - although the nerves were manifest in my body - they were only fuelled by the way in which I was thinking - about myself, about my shyness, and about the reactions of others.
Over time, I worked on analysing my thinking-processes & thus came to see everything in a much more 'realistic' way.... And this is why today I am able to lead a fairly normal life!! I now know that it is NOT the 'end of the World' if someone misunderstands me... and I've learnt that although it's sad if they think I'm unfriendly, it really is their mistake, & I cannot afford to risk a Panic Attack by worrying about things;
I know that the ability to become a nervous wreck is lying dormant inside me -as it has done for so many years in the past - but as an adult, who has benefitted from learning 'Cognitive Therapy' - I know that it is ME in control of my Shyness, and NOT the Shyness in control of me!!!
