Post by strawberrysweetie on Aug 4, 2004 22:22:41 GMT -5
Hey, there. I'm pretty new to this site and thought that I should share a little about my life. I guess I might as well start off by saying I'm 16 years old (will be 17 in Oct.) and am almost going to be a junior in high school. I have been very shy for as long as I can remember, and after some research about 2 years ago, I have diagnosed myself with having social anxiety.
I can remember being shy as far back as preschool when I would be scared of talking to my teachers and other kids, and really, none of that's changed. Towards the end of my kindergarten year my family moved, so I had to start all over with new people. So if it wasn't bad to begin with, then it got a lot worse. I can't remember ever making one single friend right when I moved. Next I can remember starting 1st grade and sitting on the bench with no one to play with during recess. Somehow, though, I managed to make a friend that year and a pretty good new friend every year until about the 6th grade. The friend that I made my 2nd year of school is the one that I've been friends with longest up until fairly recently...I'll be talking a little bit about her later. After my 3rd grade year (for some odd reason), I decided to transfer to an even smaller school nearby. This, I think, was a big mistake. It was so much harder for me than it was before to talk to people, yet again I somehow made a few more friends (about 3). Those recesses, though, were the worst that I've ever had in my elementary time. I never had anything to do during that time except I would sometimes sit with a friend on the swings (but if they were gone or wanted to play with someone else, then I totally alone.) One time my teacher embarassed me so much, because she brought up the fact that I (and a boy a year younger than me) were often alone during recess to the whole class. I just wanted to shrivel up and die. It was so humiliating.
Okay, so then middle school begins. My long-time friend and I were kind of getting rocky then. That's when she seemed to begin to want the 'cool' image....you know, to hang out with the "popular" kids. Well, she did, and we kind of weren't hanging out as much. I don't really remember making any friends except for maybe one girl in like the end of the 7th or in my 8th grade year, and that was only because she was a friend of my one friend. I was still kind of okay, though, I guess because I was in a couple of elective activities: band and choir. I would occasionally (well, maybe more rarely, but still at least a little) talk to a few people there, but nothing much really happened. I always found myself in the lunch room with no where to go. My friend would always sit with the "popular", and I definately wouldn't fit into their group, so I would just sit next to a different group of people that felt a little more comfortable to me to be in. However, I would never talk unless asked a question; I always felt like I annoyed the people I sat with, because I was afraid they thought I was weird and just listening to them. Anyway, throughout my middle school years I always thought that it would be better in highschool...like I'd just snap out of my shyness and suddenly be able to go to parties and dances and start dating. Boy was I sure wrong.
My first year of high school was pure hell. I always told myself that I would be involved in high school...I planned on staying in band (which I did love), go out for the international club, maybe try yearbook, and go out for softball and flags. However, before the year even began, all the band kids were invited to go over and practice like a week before the school started, and I just freaked out. And I think it was mainly because all the kids in my section quit. I didn't want to go and be the only freshman in my section and have absolutely no one that I felt at any ease with, so I was scared to death. I asked my parents if I could quit, and, to my disbelief, they let me; however, they did say that I must get involved somehow...like go out for softball, and I said I would, I was sure I would. Of course, though I chickened out on that just as I did with all the other activites I thought I'd try. So that year, I ended up all alone. I made no new friends, and I hated my classes. All the classes I had gave me homework and I would probably spend like 5 or more hours on it each night. I think I spent so much time on it, though, because I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my school work...not to mention somewhat of a procrastinator. I would get to bed at like 2 or later most nights and have to get up at 7 in the morning and start the day all over agian. I got into this horrible cycle and led myself into a bad depression. I started having thoughts that I never imagined myself having. Like when I picked up a knife, I would think about jabbing it into my stomach. So, I had suicidal thoughts there for a while, but I never dared tell anyone about it, nor about my shyness. I would often cry myself to sleep wondering if it would ever get better, and feeling sorry for myself didn't help any. I couldn't be happy about anything, and if someone said something that was supposed to be funny, I would have to force myself to laugh even if I didn't really feel that way.
Fortunately, I'm not in a deep depression any more. I can still get pretty down on myself at times, but I haven't fallen back into that deep dark pit that I was in before. This past year I did try to get involved. I tried yearbook, which really failed though since we didn't have the right materials at the time to do anything...and I tried going out for a club, which backfired too. I was attending a few meetings, but then I just stopped. I've been pretty much completely alone, though. My one friend that I thought I had has really showed me that she's not much of a friend. I have tried to explain my feelings to her, but she just doesn't seem to care or even try to listen. She's always talking about herself and how crappy her life is and how she never does anything, but then when I try to describe my problems, she just seems like she tries to change the subject or acts like I'm just being weird and it's not possible for me to feel this way. So now, I don't really consider myself to have any friends.
Now I've been really scared of my future. I'm scared that my extreme shyness will stop me from doing many things that I want to do. I really want to go to college and make some great friends, although I know I can't just snap out of it just because I'm in a new place. I think the one thing that I am most afraid of is never finding a someone to be with and always being lonely. I want to get married and have kids someday. I don't think that I could handle going through life completely alone, I really don't. I can't see myself living this way with all of these feelings for the rest of my life without going completely crazy.
Anyway, I think I've said more than enough. This is definately more than "just a bit" about myself. I know this isn't the most well-written story, so sorry if it doesn't make much sense...lol. I don't know if anyone will take their time to read this all the way through, but it is a good way to let it all out at least.
Oh, and I just have to say how great I think this site is. It's very comforting to know that I'm not the only one suffering from this.
I can remember being shy as far back as preschool when I would be scared of talking to my teachers and other kids, and really, none of that's changed. Towards the end of my kindergarten year my family moved, so I had to start all over with new people. So if it wasn't bad to begin with, then it got a lot worse. I can't remember ever making one single friend right when I moved. Next I can remember starting 1st grade and sitting on the bench with no one to play with during recess. Somehow, though, I managed to make a friend that year and a pretty good new friend every year until about the 6th grade. The friend that I made my 2nd year of school is the one that I've been friends with longest up until fairly recently...I'll be talking a little bit about her later. After my 3rd grade year (for some odd reason), I decided to transfer to an even smaller school nearby. This, I think, was a big mistake. It was so much harder for me than it was before to talk to people, yet again I somehow made a few more friends (about 3). Those recesses, though, were the worst that I've ever had in my elementary time. I never had anything to do during that time except I would sometimes sit with a friend on the swings (but if they were gone or wanted to play with someone else, then I totally alone.) One time my teacher embarassed me so much, because she brought up the fact that I (and a boy a year younger than me) were often alone during recess to the whole class. I just wanted to shrivel up and die. It was so humiliating.
Okay, so then middle school begins. My long-time friend and I were kind of getting rocky then. That's when she seemed to begin to want the 'cool' image....you know, to hang out with the "popular" kids. Well, she did, and we kind of weren't hanging out as much. I don't really remember making any friends except for maybe one girl in like the end of the 7th or in my 8th grade year, and that was only because she was a friend of my one friend. I was still kind of okay, though, I guess because I was in a couple of elective activities: band and choir. I would occasionally (well, maybe more rarely, but still at least a little) talk to a few people there, but nothing much really happened. I always found myself in the lunch room with no where to go. My friend would always sit with the "popular", and I definately wouldn't fit into their group, so I would just sit next to a different group of people that felt a little more comfortable to me to be in. However, I would never talk unless asked a question; I always felt like I annoyed the people I sat with, because I was afraid they thought I was weird and just listening to them. Anyway, throughout my middle school years I always thought that it would be better in highschool...like I'd just snap out of my shyness and suddenly be able to go to parties and dances and start dating. Boy was I sure wrong.
My first year of high school was pure hell. I always told myself that I would be involved in high school...I planned on staying in band (which I did love), go out for the international club, maybe try yearbook, and go out for softball and flags. However, before the year even began, all the band kids were invited to go over and practice like a week before the school started, and I just freaked out. And I think it was mainly because all the kids in my section quit. I didn't want to go and be the only freshman in my section and have absolutely no one that I felt at any ease with, so I was scared to death. I asked my parents if I could quit, and, to my disbelief, they let me; however, they did say that I must get involved somehow...like go out for softball, and I said I would, I was sure I would. Of course, though I chickened out on that just as I did with all the other activites I thought I'd try. So that year, I ended up all alone. I made no new friends, and I hated my classes. All the classes I had gave me homework and I would probably spend like 5 or more hours on it each night. I think I spent so much time on it, though, because I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my school work...not to mention somewhat of a procrastinator. I would get to bed at like 2 or later most nights and have to get up at 7 in the morning and start the day all over agian. I got into this horrible cycle and led myself into a bad depression. I started having thoughts that I never imagined myself having. Like when I picked up a knife, I would think about jabbing it into my stomach. So, I had suicidal thoughts there for a while, but I never dared tell anyone about it, nor about my shyness. I would often cry myself to sleep wondering if it would ever get better, and feeling sorry for myself didn't help any. I couldn't be happy about anything, and if someone said something that was supposed to be funny, I would have to force myself to laugh even if I didn't really feel that way.
Fortunately, I'm not in a deep depression any more. I can still get pretty down on myself at times, but I haven't fallen back into that deep dark pit that I was in before. This past year I did try to get involved. I tried yearbook, which really failed though since we didn't have the right materials at the time to do anything...and I tried going out for a club, which backfired too. I was attending a few meetings, but then I just stopped. I've been pretty much completely alone, though. My one friend that I thought I had has really showed me that she's not much of a friend. I have tried to explain my feelings to her, but she just doesn't seem to care or even try to listen. She's always talking about herself and how crappy her life is and how she never does anything, but then when I try to describe my problems, she just seems like she tries to change the subject or acts like I'm just being weird and it's not possible for me to feel this way. So now, I don't really consider myself to have any friends.
Now I've been really scared of my future. I'm scared that my extreme shyness will stop me from doing many things that I want to do. I really want to go to college and make some great friends, although I know I can't just snap out of it just because I'm in a new place. I think the one thing that I am most afraid of is never finding a someone to be with and always being lonely. I want to get married and have kids someday. I don't think that I could handle going through life completely alone, I really don't. I can't see myself living this way with all of these feelings for the rest of my life without going completely crazy.
Anyway, I think I've said more than enough. This is definately more than "just a bit" about myself. I know this isn't the most well-written story, so sorry if it doesn't make much sense...lol. I don't know if anyone will take their time to read this all the way through, but it is a good way to let it all out at least.
Oh, and I just have to say how great I think this site is. It's very comforting to know that I'm not the only one suffering from this.
Are you sure that your friend is being uncaring, or is it that she just doesn't understand? I've found that many un-shy people have an extremely hard time with understanding shyness or anxiety.. I think that they feel it's not a serious problem, that it's more of a "hurdle to overcome" rather than the painful life-crippling thing that it is -They just don't have a point of reference in comprehending.