Post by streetworm on May 29, 2005 23:41:21 GMT -5
Okay, I'm 18 years old and until Friday had never been kissed or anything really. Until earlier this month I'd never even really went on a date so this is really weird. It's weird...until about two months ago I barely even talked to girls aside from a couple exceptions here and there, now I've went on a date with one girl twice and will almost certainly get further with the girl I met Friday.
Anyways, Friday my friend told me we should go over to his house because there'd be some chicks there and he said they wanted to meet us (us being me and another friend of mine). So we get there and it's just incredibly boring. No one was really talking (obviously I was leading this pack) and my friends were staring holes into me because I wasn't talking to this girl.
Finally my friend confronts me and says "hey man, she wants you to kiss her." Me being me I was still really standoffish because my mind was totally blank as to what I should say to her. Finally I just figured screw it and went over and talked to her and I ended up thinking of what to say once I actually started walking over and stopped thinking so negatively about all of my actions.
I'm not going into great detail into the night because it's mostly uninteresting (and I really don't feel like typing more than I already know I will) but after a couple hours of talking and freezing our collective asses off everyone was ready to go. So this was the time where I knew one of us was going to have to make a move. I could tell she really wanted me to kiss her by this point, she had made it blatantly obvious earlier that night, and was even moreso now: laying her head on my shoulder, rubbing my waste...among a bunch of other signals.
Still, I was being an idiot not making my move when she finally just kissed me. We ended up kissing for about 30 seconds and while it was nice to finally kiss a girl it was weird that after all this time I really didn't feel any heavy emotional thoughts at the time. I think it's mostly because I wasn't really all the attracted to her in the first place...not to mention that I'd been trying to get another date with the girl (amber) I went to prom with for about two weeks now.
I've been kinda pissed about that because I really liked Amber a lot and I thought we had a lot in common but we'd go through a lot of times where we just wouldn't talk for half an hour...which is fine when you know someone really well, but when you're on your first date and know nothing about a person and you still can't talk to them you've got a problem...
I think that thing with Amber just really blocked me off from letting me get to attatched to anyone else. I know there's no way me and this new girl (Tara) will ever have a chance with anything other than a physical (well...I guess I should just say sexual) relationship because I just don't really identify with her mentally...maybe a better way to put that is that we just don't have similiar personalities at all. She's definately a wild girl, probably the exact opposite of what I'm looking for but I'm just so frustrated over the thing with Amber that I think I might actually enjoy this relationship more for a couple of reasons:
I already know that Tara likes me which is a nice benefit. For me it's really nice that she's not subtle about showing that through body language. With Amber I couldn't tell a single thing, she was pretty laid back the entire time and I couldn't tell if it was because she was uninterested or because she was just as shy as I was.
Okay, this next reason is going to come off making sound like a shallow insensive prick but I'll admit it. I really think the main reason I want to go out with Tara is probably sex. Half the time I don't even know what my true reason is for doing something (I've always tried to use introspection as a tool, but it seems the more I use it the more lost I become so I guess it's just too hard to look at myself from an outside perspective) but I'm pretty sure on this one that I'm only considering this relationship because I'm pretty much guaranteed a sexual relationship. This is really weird because a month ago I never even would have considered doing something like this but I guess just knowing that a girl is really attracted to me is all it took.
And the last reason I think is just the fact that I'm not all that shy around her. Some people I feel incredibly shy around and others I pretty much have no trouble talking to from the get-go (as I'm sure many of you have experienced). Tara seems to be one from the latter category. And any times I can't think of anything to say she's extrovertive enough that she can fill that space up.
I guess if nothing else this will get me some practice as far as talking to girls and trying to become more extrovertive. I'm not really sure if I'm making the right choice with all of this because I really feel shallow at the moment even though I think Tara probably is looking for the same thing as me...but I think I'm making the right choice although it may be for the wrong reasons. I've only met her once though and hopefully I'll meet her again tomorrow so I think I'll have a better idea of what I want (and hopefully why I want it) after I see her a few more times.
Okay, this is mostly just to try to help myself get my thoughts organized and focus on my shyness and try to help me realise any changes or progress in myself but if you guys have any comments about the whole situation or if you want to filet me alive for being such a typical horny little 18-year-old bastard go for it. I could probably use the help or just an honest outside oppinion. I don't know that it would change my mind at all but at least it would give me something to chew on for a while.
I'll probably be updating this quite often so I can kind of track my progress and hopefully learn some of the things that I've been trying to figure out through introspection for so long (why I'm shy would be a nice thing to know...). Kind of sucks because I started a journal like this on another forum but that one seems to have bitten the dust. Oh well, this one is a lot more active anyways so it's probably for the best.
By the way, for any of you who made it through all of this shit congratulations...you have a lot more patience than I do. And thank you as well.
Anyways, Friday my friend told me we should go over to his house because there'd be some chicks there and he said they wanted to meet us (us being me and another friend of mine). So we get there and it's just incredibly boring. No one was really talking (obviously I was leading this pack) and my friends were staring holes into me because I wasn't talking to this girl.
Finally my friend confronts me and says "hey man, she wants you to kiss her." Me being me I was still really standoffish because my mind was totally blank as to what I should say to her. Finally I just figured screw it and went over and talked to her and I ended up thinking of what to say once I actually started walking over and stopped thinking so negatively about all of my actions.
I'm not going into great detail into the night because it's mostly uninteresting (and I really don't feel like typing more than I already know I will) but after a couple hours of talking and freezing our collective asses off everyone was ready to go. So this was the time where I knew one of us was going to have to make a move. I could tell she really wanted me to kiss her by this point, she had made it blatantly obvious earlier that night, and was even moreso now: laying her head on my shoulder, rubbing my waste...among a bunch of other signals.
Still, I was being an idiot not making my move when she finally just kissed me. We ended up kissing for about 30 seconds and while it was nice to finally kiss a girl it was weird that after all this time I really didn't feel any heavy emotional thoughts at the time. I think it's mostly because I wasn't really all the attracted to her in the first place...not to mention that I'd been trying to get another date with the girl (amber) I went to prom with for about two weeks now.
I've been kinda pissed about that because I really liked Amber a lot and I thought we had a lot in common but we'd go through a lot of times where we just wouldn't talk for half an hour...which is fine when you know someone really well, but when you're on your first date and know nothing about a person and you still can't talk to them you've got a problem...
I think that thing with Amber just really blocked me off from letting me get to attatched to anyone else. I know there's no way me and this new girl (Tara) will ever have a chance with anything other than a physical (well...I guess I should just say sexual) relationship because I just don't really identify with her mentally...maybe a better way to put that is that we just don't have similiar personalities at all. She's definately a wild girl, probably the exact opposite of what I'm looking for but I'm just so frustrated over the thing with Amber that I think I might actually enjoy this relationship more for a couple of reasons:
I already know that Tara likes me which is a nice benefit. For me it's really nice that she's not subtle about showing that through body language. With Amber I couldn't tell a single thing, she was pretty laid back the entire time and I couldn't tell if it was because she was uninterested or because she was just as shy as I was.
Okay, this next reason is going to come off making sound like a shallow insensive prick but I'll admit it. I really think the main reason I want to go out with Tara is probably sex. Half the time I don't even know what my true reason is for doing something (I've always tried to use introspection as a tool, but it seems the more I use it the more lost I become so I guess it's just too hard to look at myself from an outside perspective) but I'm pretty sure on this one that I'm only considering this relationship because I'm pretty much guaranteed a sexual relationship. This is really weird because a month ago I never even would have considered doing something like this but I guess just knowing that a girl is really attracted to me is all it took.
And the last reason I think is just the fact that I'm not all that shy around her. Some people I feel incredibly shy around and others I pretty much have no trouble talking to from the get-go (as I'm sure many of you have experienced). Tara seems to be one from the latter category. And any times I can't think of anything to say she's extrovertive enough that she can fill that space up.
I guess if nothing else this will get me some practice as far as talking to girls and trying to become more extrovertive. I'm not really sure if I'm making the right choice with all of this because I really feel shallow at the moment even though I think Tara probably is looking for the same thing as me...but I think I'm making the right choice although it may be for the wrong reasons. I've only met her once though and hopefully I'll meet her again tomorrow so I think I'll have a better idea of what I want (and hopefully why I want it) after I see her a few more times.
Okay, this is mostly just to try to help myself get my thoughts organized and focus on my shyness and try to help me realise any changes or progress in myself but if you guys have any comments about the whole situation or if you want to filet me alive for being such a typical horny little 18-year-old bastard go for it. I could probably use the help or just an honest outside oppinion. I don't know that it would change my mind at all but at least it would give me something to chew on for a while.
I'll probably be updating this quite often so I can kind of track my progress and hopefully learn some of the things that I've been trying to figure out through introspection for so long (why I'm shy would be a nice thing to know...). Kind of sucks because I started a journal like this on another forum but that one seems to have bitten the dust. Oh well, this one is a lot more active anyways so it's probably for the best.
By the way, for any of you who made it through all of this shit congratulations...you have a lot more patience than I do. And thank you as well.
