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Post by Bodhi on Jul 25, 2005 20:25:20 GMT -5
Sorry about the title, probally a bit too sappy and melodramatic, especially since it deals with a rather mundane situation as a crush on a girl at work. But for shy guys like myself these crushs are so far our only experience with male/female relations.
Anyway anyone reading my thread 'sorry another question" in the relationships forum will already know this story but since this is a diary section I want to recount it up to today, just to get it off my chest.
I work at a job grading standardized tests and managed to get the job after I graduated college in January. Its been great so far but its only temporary and probally ending in a few weeks. There are lots of people there and I've been talking alot more than I have in the past and have been interacting fairly well with my coworkers. Yet there also are a fair number of attractive girls my age there, which has been a distraction I must admit. Although up to a few weeks ago not much of a distraction, but then I started to really notice a girl. Lets just say her name is Jane, and to me she is absolutely beautiful and also seems a bit on the shy side like me. She seemed like a perfect person for me to approach and get to know and then maybe something more, yet of course I couldn't do that on numerous occasions. She even would sit alone and read a book outside during break, something that made me like her more.
So for the last few weeks I've been beating myself up over not being able to talk to her, and trying to do it with all my strength and failing and going back and forth and its been stressfull and I got nowhere. So last week I had pretty much given up on her, and was starting to try and accept the fact that she must already have a boyfriend and not like me anyway. But then she gives me a sign(I think) and maybe she does like me(I think). The specifics aren't that important but lets say she talked to me and I thought by her words and actions she liked me and wanted to get to know me more. I could be wrong, she might have just been acting friendly but I believe she does have at least a mild attraction to me(call it hopeless faith). Anyway after she kind of reveals this the next day I wanted more than anything to talk to her more and I see her outside reading and walk by her and have every intention in the world of saying hello or something but the anxiety washs over and I walk on by. I can't forgive myself for that, it was wrong and stupid and an action of a complete coward. She probally thought I was rude and didn't like her.
So that was Thursday and there was no work Friday so I've been keeping that stupid thing I did inside all weekend and the only thing that saved me was thinking how I would do it differently on Monday(today). I planned it out I would talk to her, I would say hello and be nice, I would do it all and redemn myself. Yet today she wan't there. Now I'm scared, terrified. This is only a temporary job and is ending soon. People come and go fairly often and my fear is she left early. Maybe she had always only planned to stay untill last week, maybe she got another job. Anything like that could have happened. But if she did I don't know what I'm going to do. How can I live with myself when I had this perfect opportunity and I blew it and now shes gone, forever. It is too disturbing to even fully contemplate. What if she thought of me all the time, what if she prayed I would come over and talk to her and I just walked by and said nothing, like a fool. Maybe she did like me and now she hates me for not acting on her signals. I hate myself right now for the stupid things I've done. All those weeks when I could have talked to her and I did nothing. And this is not just a girl I'm sort of attracted to, this is a girl I dream about. There are girls that I'd like to date and I find attractive, many of them all around. But then there are a select few that are above and beyond, ones that i think have the perfect looks, the perfect personality, and even something more, some quality that is indescribable. This girl was one of them and now she could be gone. I have to wait and see, see if I blew my one chance at pure happiness, at bliss.
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Post by paul1983 on Jul 26, 2005 8:05:54 GMT -5
Bohdi, don't be so hard on yourself. Most shy people have the same problem. This has happened to me so many times...i've lost count. And yes, like you, i have regretted it, kicked myself for letting a chance slip. For example, at work, this girl came in three weeks straight (i believe to talk to me). I really wanted to ask her out because i didn't know if i'd ever see her again. On each of the 3 occasions i just didn't have the guts. I haven't seen her for the past 3 months now...  As for Jane, she may not have been at work simply because she was sick or had other plans and had to take the day off. I hope that this is the case. If she is not there tomorrow, maybe you could ask someone what has happened to her? If in fact she did only take the day off, all is not lost. The fact that she came up and talked to you tells me that she at least wants to be on friendly terms with you. Don't think you have given off bad signs by not talking to her the past few days. She probably understands that your a little shy, and i'll bet she will not mind at all if you say hi to her the next time you see her. Talk to her about how the job is ending soon, and what she plans to do after this. If you just keep talking to her you will find out more about her, which will let you decide if you would like to keep in touch with her after the job finishes. I know, as i have said before, this is easier said then done, but you don't want her to be on your mind 24/7, thinking about what could have been. At least if you talk to her, and if it doesn't work out, you'll know where you stand and can move on. If you find that you still can't approach her, maybe write a little note to her, and ask someone you trust to give it to her on the last day, or pop it in her locker or something. I hope it all works out Bohdi. I really can relate to your story...it is why i am still single as well.  All the best with this Jane chick!  |
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Post by chemistry on Jul 26, 2005 8:30:28 GMT -5
Bohdi You didn't blow your one chance at happiness and bliss. First of all, ask some of your other co-workers if they know where she has gone to. If they do, maybe they will give you her number at her new job and you can talk to her there. From there, if she's interested, most likely she'll give you her cell or home number so you can talk more. Calling yourself a coward is very harsh to yourself. I know in the past I've done the same thing but if I can find courage, so can you. The circumstances have to be right, that's all. If she is shy like you say she is, I can't imagine her being angry with you. If by chance you don't hook up with this girl, don't let it get you down. There will be other women. I know that's not what you wanna read but it's the truth. Chem  |
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Post by Samantha on Jul 26, 2005 12:08:21 GMT -5
It's only hopeless if you give up. I have to wait and see, see if I blew my one chance at pure happiness, at bliss. I think this final sentence sums up why it is so hard for you. She is just a person. When you understand she is human and not some form of divine salvation then it might be a lot easier to talk to her. You are putting far too much pressure on yourself. You should see making conversation with her as just that, making conversation. Sure that could lead to all sorts of stuff down the line maybe but that's down the line. You've got to take each step as it comes. Take it easy. Relax, I'm sure there will still be more opportunities for you. |
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Post by Bodhi on Jul 26, 2005 15:41:48 GMT -5
Thanks for all that replied. Well today she was there, I jumped the gun at thinking she had left. But again I was unable to talk to her, but this time it was not in lack of trying. At my work it is very crowded and people are all over the place so usually I don't have any opportunity to talk to her besides breaks and lunch. There are two 15 minute breaks and a half hour lunch. Well breaks arn't always the same for everyone and today it just happened she had different breaks and lunch from me. So I went to where she usually sits outside and she wasn't there, it was depressing, because i think if she was I would have talked to her. I then near the end of the day had an idea of standing outside after work when she comes out and talking to her, but she left just a minute before me so I couldn't even do that. I guess its good I was willing to talk to her and it was just circumstances that got in the way, not my shyness. But I know this job isn't lasting much longer and time is ticking away, I don't know how many more opportunites I will get.
You're right Nergh, I do put her up as some sort of Goddess and thats probally what makes it so hard for me to talk to her. I guess I have to look at her as just a girl, although I think of her as much more, but just think of her as less just to talk to her. I can talk to girls I'm not attracted to, so I just have to pretend I'm not attracted to this girl. Maybe it could work?
Chem, you're right there will be other girls, but it just seems I've been saying that my whole life. Waiting for the next girl, the next opportunity, the ones before always failing. I can't take it anymore. If I don't talk to this girl, I don't know what will happen to me.
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Post by chemistry on Jul 26, 2005 20:05:53 GMT -5
First of all Bohdi, relax. Sometimes circumstances DO get in the way. Next, I'm assuming she's going to be there for the rest of the week. You have three days to attempt to talk to her. Try again. If you can't get the same time for lunch or a break, wait for her after work again (if you should get out before her.) I know how you feel. I used to crazy about not talking to women all the time. Now, look at me. I'm more assertive, more outgoing. It takes time sometimes. Hey, I finally have been chatting with a girl on that dating site I joined. Things look good with that so far. anyway, tomorrow is Wednesday. just relax and go through your daily routine. If you get the chance to be with her talk about small things, the weather, the book she's reading, what are her plans after she leaves the job and based on her answers you'll get into a nice conversation. Good luck. I will pray for you (even though I'm not religious ) Chem |
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Post by chemistry on Jul 27, 2005 14:12:44 GMT -5
Bohdi What's happening. Give us the scoop. Chem |
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Post by Bodhi on Jul 27, 2005 15:20:49 GMT -5
Bohdi What's happening. Give us the scoop. Chem Well today was d-day for me, I made the move. But now I might be more depressed. She was sitting in her usual spot outside on the grass eating her lunch and at first I hesitated going up to her. I had the same overwhelming feeling of anxiety that is almost physically impossible to overcome. I would equate it to someone saying to you, "jump over that cliff" and then you actually doing it. But I somehow did jump over the cliff and went up to her and said, "Want some company?". So I did it, all the weeks of wondering if I could and going through it in my mind a million times and there I was, talking to her. But then it started to go downhill. She replied by saying, "I'd love some BUT my breaks over so I should be getting back" After that she did engage in a little small talk with me but nothing more and then she left me sitting there alone. Well at first I couldn't tell what had happened, maybe her break really was over(something I'm not sure since we all have different breaks) but somehow it seemed too conveniant, as if it was a great excuse to not have to sit with me but still let me down nicely. I don't know, and I didn't get any obvious signs either when she was talking to me(like a big smile or any kind of direct show of affection). Yet I still had some hope since she hadn't directly rejected me. So I knew I had another opportunity to find out more on our last break of the day. At that break I went out and she wasn't there so I sat down in the same spot and waited. It was kind of a test since if she came out she would have to decide herself to sit with me, knowing I obviously wanted to sit with her. Well she did come out. She was talking on her cell phone and she opted to not sit with me but across the street on another patch of grass. So that was it, obvious rejection right? If she had been interested in me she wouldn't have been talking on her cell phone and wouldn't have sat somewhere else. It hurts to know I made the effort, something I've really never done before and I was basically rejected(although she did it in a subtle way). I feel so stupid since I was almost certain she liked me. We had made some eye contact before(I guess it could have been accidental on her part) and she asked me to stay and work overtime with her and she waved goodbye to me and smiled. It seemed like she was giving off the signals. But apparently not, maybe I have an overactive imagination. I'm still not 100% certain, but about 95% certain she doesn't have any attraction to me. It hurts but I guess it feels slightly better then not knowing and always wondering. I know I should be proud I managed to actually talk to her, but rejection still hurts. My title for this thread seems more apt now. |
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Post by Kitten on Jul 27, 2005 17:33:23 GMT -5
Don't count yourself out yet, Bhodi.  It's possible she's not interested, but then again maybe she really needed to make that phone call on her break (probably can't talk on her cell while she's working) and wanted some privacy--if she'd gone over to you, it'd be rude to whip out her cell phone then and talk to whoever it was instead of you who was sitting right there. I'm glad you feel a little better for making the first move, at least you won't have to drive yourself crazy worrying any more! The ball is in her court now. It should be pretty obvious to her that you're interested, and now the pressure's off you. Say hi when you see her from now on, and if you see her sitting in her usual spot, go over but don't invite yourself, see if she invites you to sit down. If she does, great, but if she doesn't, then you know she's not interested like that. I wouldn't take it peronally if she's not, maybe she has a boyfriend and can't do anything even if she was interested in you. |
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Post by Bodhi on Jul 27, 2005 21:31:59 GMT -5
Don't count yourself out yet, Bhodi. It's possible she's not interested, but then again maybe she really needed to make that phone call on her break (probably can't talk on her cell while she's working) and wanted some privacy--if she'd gone over to you, it'd be rude to whip out her cell phone then and talk to whoever it was instead of you who was sitting right there. I'm glad you feel a little better for making the first move, at least you won't have to drive yourself crazy worrying any more! The ball is in her court now. It should be pretty obvious to her that you're interested, and now the pressure's off you. Say hi when you see her from now on, and if you see her sitting in her usual spot, go over but don't invite yourself, see if she invites you to sit down. If she does, great, but if she doesn't, then you know she's not interested like that. I wouldn't take it peronally if she's not, maybe she has a boyfriend and can't do anything even if she was interested in you. Thanks Kitten, that makes me feel a little better. But let me ask you, what would you have done if you were her in a similar situation? I personally think that if she was attracted to me she wouldn't have made any phone call during her break. I guess if it was really important but otherwise wouldn't you wait and use the opportunity to talk and sit with a guy you like? Also thinking about it she didn't seem that nervous talking to me and quickly got out her excuse for leaving, making it seem like me coming up to her stirred no emotions and was only a nuisence. If she had liked me you'd think she would be more unsure and would have kind of thought about whether she had to leave or not, maybe even taken an extra long lunch. I keep trying to make the facts fit into her liking me, but they always seem to stack up the other way. The only thing that gives me any hope is last week when she seemed to want me to stay and work overtime with her. That is the only reason I had the courage to talk to her in the first place, because I thought it was a sign she liked me. But now I can't figure it out. I guess I could explain it at that time she didn't realize I liked her and thought nothing of spending some time with me, but now she realizes I like her and is turned off by that and wants to stay away from me. I don't know, that incident doesn't seem to fit with everything else. |
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Post by chemistry on Jul 28, 2005 0:41:18 GMT -5
Bohdi I'm proud of you that you had the courage to walk up and talk to her. That's a big step. From what you posted, you didn't do anything wrong. It is possible that once again circumstances got in the way. Her break could have been ending as yours was beginning, nothing more. As for the phone call, I don't think she made a call to avoid you. It's like Kitten said, if she sat down and then made a call that would be her way of saying get lost. I'm assuming the call was legitamite. It could've been an emergency or she could've been talking to someone she hasn't spoken to in a while, nothing more. You should be very, very proud of yourself. You took a risk and even though it wasn't perfect, you tried and that's what's important. Keep going. Try again tomorrow. If by chance she's not interested, don't worry, another girl will come along. Chem |
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Post by paul1983 on Jul 28, 2005 2:15:15 GMT -5
Bohdi! Well done for going through with it! That took some guts! Sometimes the way we expect things to go don't always go to plan, hey? I really don't think shestrying to ignore you by talking on her phone. I'll bet someone called her, and of course, you can't just hang up on someone...it may have been something important! Also, she may also be a little shy/introverted which is why she decided to go when her break ended. You've seen girls posting on this forum...when a guy approaches them that they kinda like, they go all defensive and the guy thinks they've been rejected...could be the same thing happening here! Don't give up, next time you see her, even if she's working, say hi. Don't just wait for the break! Talk to her while she's working, who cares about the boss, its not like he/she will care if you just talk for a minute or two! Let us know what happens!  Good Luck |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jul 28, 2005 3:00:37 GMT -5
Well done for making the move. It took a lot of guts. Hopefully regardless of how it turns out with her, you'll feel a little about approaching women in the future.
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Post by Samantha on Jul 28, 2005 7:08:38 GMT -5
Yay Bodhi! Well done for doing it. It's still not hopeless. You got to think of the bigger picture. The most important thing is getting used to doing it so one day when someone does like you, you will eventually meet them. I reckon since you are leaving anyway you should ask to sit with her again. So what if she doesn't fancy you, it's all good practise. Plus.... you never know Again well done. I know how hard it is to do what you have done. It is definately an achievement and you should be proud |
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Post by chemistry on Jul 28, 2005 10:43:26 GMT -5
Bohdi Please continue to keep us informed what happens at work. Chem |
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It's possible she's not interested, but then again maybe she really needed to make that phone call on her break (probably can't talk on her cell while she's working) and wanted some privacy--if she'd gone over to you, it'd be rude to whip out her cell phone then and talk to whoever it was instead of you who was sitting right there. 