Post by shyguyincanada on Sept 26, 2006 22:01:19 GMT -5
OK, well i guess this is the best place to post this thread i have been mulling around the idea to post this for a while now and have thought about this over a number of days since i have been a part of SU well anyways here it goes.
My life
I sincerly lack a stiff direction i feel like i have been flopping around for around three years. Although i believe i really started down this path long long ago with my upbringing.
I was raised more or less alone with a few very close people namely my brother babysitter mother father and close family and a few close family friends. When i started school i felt very odd it was werid for me to be out of the house for the whole day i guess more or less typical though who didnt feel like that at one point or another when they frist started school. Anyways i went to kindergarded and grade 1 at a montesory school which is kind of like a private school more open ended sort of learning and stuff. Which was not to bad i didnt like school very much but i had like 1 best friend who i sort of shared with another kid and we were friends and then i moved schools for the first time and started going to a regular school rode the bus had desks and cubbys and shit regular public school stuff. I didnt like it much well the school part but i did however have 3 best friends who we all respected each other and stuff i really enjoyed this.
Then shit hit the fan ... grade 3 fucking grade 3 i was diagnosed with brain cancer .... and it began doctors ... surgury ...... appointments .... hospitals ... needles .... radiation ... scars ... and no more school for me nooooooo serie bob and that was the end of being normal in essence. i had my friends come and see me. we had a big picnic at our house in the summer when i was a little better but i felt alone i didnt have any hair and stuff because of the radiation aswell as a huge scar and a still slightly swollen head i felt so alone.......
well i got better 11 years now cancer free never had anything perminant that we know of since then.
and then started the homeschooling ...... i didnt want to go back to school i felt hideous and like no one would every look at me the same way again or would even consider being my friend. So at the time i was more than happy to become mr shut in and get taught at home by mommie. it was ok i didnt really know what i was missing out on i didnt have to get up early or ride the bus i got to go places when eveyone else was in school. but it was also the first time i started slaking off lieing not doing my homework etc stuff like that which would later become a big big problem for me.
So this went on for three years from the beginning of grade 4 to the end of grade 6 by about that time i was beginning to realize how little socialization i was getting with other people so my mom tried to get us involved with groups and stuff around town with other homeschooled kids guitar lessions and stuff. Well anyways it didnt work i wanted to go back to regular school. so i did and it was fucking hard ...... i had no idea what to do in social situations and got rejected tossed around chewed up spit out and finally accepted in the end by the end of grade 7 i was on top of the world again i felt normal and it was a great feeling.
then ... it happened again we moved ... so bye bye normal grade 7 fitting in again. At the time i was really happy because i really wanted to move to the city "we had always lived in the country untill this point" and we were going to be moving back to london the city where i grew up and really missed still. So we moved back and i had a pretty good summer and was going to grade 8 in the fall. and it happened again the school i went to was full of rich cliquy kids who had been together since grade 2 and had no room for the new kid. So i did my best got chewed up spit out etc and by the end of the year i had some good friends and was enjoying life again.
Then hurray high school hits like a TON of bricks the year after grade 9... oh grade 9 ... i just couldnt hack it it was my chance to get right in right in and on track but i couldnt handle it everyone was new making friends and stuff i was to to a certain extent but i cracked i couldnt take it and started faking sick to be able to stay home and not have to deal with my problems at school and it ruined me i had to be pulled out and put back with correspondance school to slavage what was left of my tattered year and dreams. SO i moved schools and it just didnt work .. same old story struggled through grade 10 and 11 missing almost half of my classes and pulling down some truly steller marks 70's 60's 50's etc. anyways at the middle of grade 11 i go back to correspondance full time and boy do i fuck that up i slack off so hard that i end up forging fake marks to get my parents off my back. thats when things go from really bad to really really bad.
eventually as you can imagine i sink in so far that there is no hope now of pulling myself out on my own and it now becomes a only a matter of time before things blow up in my face ..... and they do oh boy do they ever my parents go NUTS and i mean nuts yell say how dissapointed they are etc. Its about that time that i find out my brother has done exactally the same thing boy that was a surprise i always thought he was the good one could do no wrong etc. so shit blows up bigtime and we end up going to family councelling and stuff with some one on one stuff aswell and try to get stuff figured out so we make this plan to get back on track.
But in usuall style i blow it again this time tho its only about 6 months before i just let it all out and then make this plan to go to an adult ed center to get back on track this is about last March.
this goes ok i get 2 credits locked down and stuff by May but then i get this idea i need to get a job for the summer so i say il finish up next year and go out and get a job instead of getting 3 more credits locked down. well so now its school again and im back im taking 3 courses now and i will be done in May provided i stay on course and into university next year. i really hope i pull it off it will be probably my biggest accomplishment next to beating cancer.
SO my life lacks long term stability, Iv been moved jerked around so much i have no idea which way is up anymore or whats normal. I am 19 years old and i am supposed to be having the best years of my life but im sitting next to people who are 34 and just finishing high school i suppose it could be a lot worse but i cant help feeling bad. I have NO friends really. i have 2 cousins who i am kina close to but they have no time for me one is in univeristy already his 4th year and the other is off doing his own thing to. I do have a few people i talk to online to which i like very much but as for friday nights i do nothing pretty much every week. and its getting to me i am very lonely.
Some relizations that i have had over the years days/ whatever
-Sometimes i think i am jsut a spoiled brat who gets to sit and live in his parents house and am just to comfortable to realize how much more i should be doing to get my life back on track but to be honnest it all feels so fuzzy to me right now like nothing really matters anymore. I think sometiems that if i were to get kicked out i would probably end up on the street before i knew what was going on.
- Maby i need to totally hit rock bottom even harder before i know whats going on
- I never got to experement i always just sat in my room and played videogames no girls no friends i smoked a bit of pot thats about it i guess
- I get scared easily i wont go downtown even though im 19 now i think its mostly because of the life i have led shut in etc im learning how to be less like this but its slow very slow with relapses.
I quit very easily on all sorts of things i really have no drive and havent for a long time.
- i just want a freind...... who i wont lie to
- I lie to feel normal
- I feel like i hate my paretns im sure they love me more than anything in the world but i have no respect for them i lie to them all the time i feel like i dont want to have anything to do with them.
- No one cares about my shit except maby my paretns who i cant feel a connection with
-jedi mind tricks own
I am more and more increasingly selfish and i dont know why
i feel lost and numb
i have more and more of a need to talk about my situation
sometimes i just want to explode
things seem to blur together over the past years
i talk to much on this forum
i want people to notice me
i dont know why i dont do things sometimes
i think maby im to coddled and have no values
birdies are cool i want a friend
i should work out more
sometimes i jsut cant even get up in the morning
sometimes i think im just a burden on the world, maby its because i had cancer
i probably have a lot of issues
i want to scream
i have screamed
is this torture
maby passion is what i need
Some things i have realized about
relationships
ditto
You need something in common to work
attraction Is very important and will overall determine if the relationship will work
i think im incapable at this point in my life of having a normal relationship
i need to find someone who is in tune with me this is next to impossible given my life so far
Friendship
people dont want baggage
no one wants to listen
people will, if they want something
no one has every listend to my shit without wanting something in return
In conclusion
I think i am more and more one sided and this scares me
I am not proud of my life and i wish i could muster the strength needed to change it in the flash of a cool cold cut dime this will never happen however life truly is like a bag of tomatoes try putting it back togehter after you smash it on the curb of a street
maby this is why people blog i have a lot more but it just isnt possible to let it all out in one night
thank you for reading my post
My life
I sincerly lack a stiff direction i feel like i have been flopping around for around three years. Although i believe i really started down this path long long ago with my upbringing.
I was raised more or less alone with a few very close people namely my brother babysitter mother father and close family and a few close family friends. When i started school i felt very odd it was werid for me to be out of the house for the whole day i guess more or less typical though who didnt feel like that at one point or another when they frist started school. Anyways i went to kindergarded and grade 1 at a montesory school which is kind of like a private school more open ended sort of learning and stuff. Which was not to bad i didnt like school very much but i had like 1 best friend who i sort of shared with another kid and we were friends and then i moved schools for the first time and started going to a regular school rode the bus had desks and cubbys and shit regular public school stuff. I didnt like it much well the school part but i did however have 3 best friends who we all respected each other and stuff i really enjoyed this.
Then shit hit the fan ... grade 3 fucking grade 3 i was diagnosed with brain cancer .... and it began doctors ... surgury ...... appointments .... hospitals ... needles .... radiation ... scars ... and no more school for me nooooooo serie bob and that was the end of being normal in essence. i had my friends come and see me. we had a big picnic at our house in the summer when i was a little better but i felt alone i didnt have any hair and stuff because of the radiation aswell as a huge scar and a still slightly swollen head i felt so alone.......
well i got better 11 years now cancer free never had anything perminant that we know of since then.
and then started the homeschooling ...... i didnt want to go back to school i felt hideous and like no one would every look at me the same way again or would even consider being my friend. So at the time i was more than happy to become mr shut in and get taught at home by mommie. it was ok i didnt really know what i was missing out on i didnt have to get up early or ride the bus i got to go places when eveyone else was in school. but it was also the first time i started slaking off lieing not doing my homework etc stuff like that which would later become a big big problem for me.
So this went on for three years from the beginning of grade 4 to the end of grade 6 by about that time i was beginning to realize how little socialization i was getting with other people so my mom tried to get us involved with groups and stuff around town with other homeschooled kids guitar lessions and stuff. Well anyways it didnt work i wanted to go back to regular school. so i did and it was fucking hard ...... i had no idea what to do in social situations and got rejected tossed around chewed up spit out and finally accepted in the end by the end of grade 7 i was on top of the world again i felt normal and it was a great feeling.
then ... it happened again we moved ... so bye bye normal grade 7 fitting in again. At the time i was really happy because i really wanted to move to the city "we had always lived in the country untill this point" and we were going to be moving back to london the city where i grew up and really missed still. So we moved back and i had a pretty good summer and was going to grade 8 in the fall. and it happened again the school i went to was full of rich cliquy kids who had been together since grade 2 and had no room for the new kid. So i did my best got chewed up spit out etc and by the end of the year i had some good friends and was enjoying life again.
Then hurray high school hits like a TON of bricks the year after grade 9... oh grade 9 ... i just couldnt hack it it was my chance to get right in right in and on track but i couldnt handle it everyone was new making friends and stuff i was to to a certain extent but i cracked i couldnt take it and started faking sick to be able to stay home and not have to deal with my problems at school and it ruined me i had to be pulled out and put back with correspondance school to slavage what was left of my tattered year and dreams. SO i moved schools and it just didnt work .. same old story struggled through grade 10 and 11 missing almost half of my classes and pulling down some truly steller marks 70's 60's 50's etc. anyways at the middle of grade 11 i go back to correspondance full time and boy do i fuck that up i slack off so hard that i end up forging fake marks to get my parents off my back. thats when things go from really bad to really really bad.
eventually as you can imagine i sink in so far that there is no hope now of pulling myself out on my own and it now becomes a only a matter of time before things blow up in my face ..... and they do oh boy do they ever my parents go NUTS and i mean nuts yell say how dissapointed they are etc. Its about that time that i find out my brother has done exactally the same thing boy that was a surprise i always thought he was the good one could do no wrong etc. so shit blows up bigtime and we end up going to family councelling and stuff with some one on one stuff aswell and try to get stuff figured out so we make this plan to get back on track.
But in usuall style i blow it again this time tho its only about 6 months before i just let it all out and then make this plan to go to an adult ed center to get back on track this is about last March.
this goes ok i get 2 credits locked down and stuff by May but then i get this idea i need to get a job for the summer so i say il finish up next year and go out and get a job instead of getting 3 more credits locked down. well so now its school again and im back im taking 3 courses now and i will be done in May provided i stay on course and into university next year. i really hope i pull it off it will be probably my biggest accomplishment next to beating cancer.
SO my life lacks long term stability, Iv been moved jerked around so much i have no idea which way is up anymore or whats normal. I am 19 years old and i am supposed to be having the best years of my life but im sitting next to people who are 34 and just finishing high school i suppose it could be a lot worse but i cant help feeling bad. I have NO friends really. i have 2 cousins who i am kina close to but they have no time for me one is in univeristy already his 4th year and the other is off doing his own thing to. I do have a few people i talk to online to which i like very much but as for friday nights i do nothing pretty much every week. and its getting to me i am very lonely.
Some relizations that i have had over the years days/ whatever
-Sometimes i think i am jsut a spoiled brat who gets to sit and live in his parents house and am just to comfortable to realize how much more i should be doing to get my life back on track but to be honnest it all feels so fuzzy to me right now like nothing really matters anymore. I think sometiems that if i were to get kicked out i would probably end up on the street before i knew what was going on.
- Maby i need to totally hit rock bottom even harder before i know whats going on
- I never got to experement i always just sat in my room and played videogames no girls no friends i smoked a bit of pot thats about it i guess
- I get scared easily i wont go downtown even though im 19 now i think its mostly because of the life i have led shut in etc im learning how to be less like this but its slow very slow with relapses.
I quit very easily on all sorts of things i really have no drive and havent for a long time.
- i just want a freind...... who i wont lie to
- I lie to feel normal
- I feel like i hate my paretns im sure they love me more than anything in the world but i have no respect for them i lie to them all the time i feel like i dont want to have anything to do with them.
- No one cares about my shit except maby my paretns who i cant feel a connection with
-jedi mind tricks own
I am more and more increasingly selfish and i dont know why
i feel lost and numb
i have more and more of a need to talk about my situation
sometimes i just want to explode
things seem to blur together over the past years
i talk to much on this forum
i want people to notice me
i dont know why i dont do things sometimes
i think maby im to coddled and have no values
birdies are cool i want a friend
i should work out more
sometimes i jsut cant even get up in the morning
sometimes i think im just a burden on the world, maby its because i had cancer
i probably have a lot of issues
i want to scream
i have screamed
is this torture
maby passion is what i need
Some things i have realized about
relationships
ditto
You need something in common to work
attraction Is very important and will overall determine if the relationship will work
i think im incapable at this point in my life of having a normal relationship
i need to find someone who is in tune with me this is next to impossible given my life so far
Friendship
people dont want baggage
no one wants to listen
people will, if they want something
no one has every listend to my shit without wanting something in return
In conclusion
I think i am more and more one sided and this scares me
I am not proud of my life and i wish i could muster the strength needed to change it in the flash of a cool cold cut dime this will never happen however life truly is like a bag of tomatoes try putting it back togehter after you smash it on the curb of a street
maby this is why people blog i have a lot more but it just isnt possible to let it all out in one night
thank you for reading my post